Disclaimer: This blog was supposed to have a completely different title. I have been putting it off for weeks now, and when I finally thought to remind myself to do it... I had forgotten what I wanted to call it. #judgeme
Okay so... here's the thing... Several of my friends and acquaintances have been discussing this concept of "bad sex partners" and dudes who just "do it wrong"... And this commentary is usually coming from males themselves. Based on the conversations that females either have with them... or conversations that they have overheard. So I thought this would be something interesting to discuss because I never really know what men are thinking when it comes to sex...
One of my friends tweeted recently that "If a [n-word]'s goal is not to make his lady orgasm as many times as she is capable of doing so in the time allotted for their sexual encounter" he is doing something wrong and the chick will talk about him poorly to all of her friends. Another of my friends tweeted that he thinks [n-word]s just pound until they can't anymore and call it a day"... In both of these cases lol, it seems that both think that someone is getting it wrong. But I also wonder what people who think that way would do to rectify the situation.
Sex seems to be such a taboo topic for discourse in male-female relationships. Even if you are not planning on keeping a female around for long periods of time, Gentlemen, you should still follow the rule of reciprocity. I'm positive it will serve you well. Now, if you do not know what this is... I have no problem explaining it as I TRULY do not understand why most men do not think this way... And I know that several don't because I have had several conversations that have made this very clear to me. Anyway, the rule of reciprocity with MOST women says that if you do what it takes to please her, your pleasure will know very few limits. I know for a fact this is the general school of thought for most Aquarians [to a much stronger degree]... But on a very basic level, it is also the rule of thumb for most women. Even in the most simple situation... if you find out what a woman likes, and put effort into accurately delivering it... she will come back even if only for the peen. FACT!
The problem is that most men, and women, think that they have sex down pact for all members within their radius of attraction. But that's not true. How do you know what someone wants or likes if you don't ask or find some method of discovery? And then, many men think that they are able to tell what turns a woman on or tickles her fancy by paying attention to what she says or how she responds to you. Little known fact... If a woman is into a man... she will say and do whatever is necessary to make him feel good. My point? You cannot rely solely on the things that you think are tell-tell signs simply because you would rather avoid what could result in an awkward conversation. It doesn't serve either of you well. No two people are created equally. Therefore the next may not like what turned the last on, and so on and so forth. The only way you can really find out what gets a person moving, is to inquire within. Ask her what she likes... tell her what you like... Discuss her turn-ons and more importantly her turn-offs... Keep her interested and get more interested.... And how would you even KNOW how sexually congruent you are with a person otherwise?
That being said. sex should be a negotiation of things that work for both parties. It becomes exponentially more challenging, yet straight forward once you are in a monogamous relationship because then you have several other variables to tend to... Yet you're only doing these things with ONE person...
And if you decide not to take into account what makes her body tick... you are by definition a selfish lover. Now there are obviously cases where someone would not care if they are being labeled a selfish lover. But clearly this information is not really for them. More so, it is for those who truly think their game is tight...and yet aren't taking the steps necessary to insure that this is correct.
Every woman is wired differently... and this may or may not be the case for every man as well. For instance, sex is purely psychological for some women while for others it is all physical, and others may experience variations of combinations of the two. So... I am all for experimenting. But I am even more in favor of simply asking the person... That is of course... if he/she is someone that you would prefer to keep around. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and bring joy to those who experience it. Opening up the lines of communication can truly improve the chances of meeting that goal for all parties involved.
More to come later I suppose... holler!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Pursuit of Perfection
So... This along with my next blog (Sexual Incongruence) have been in edit mode for the past several weeks... Between school and work and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life... My blog and thoughts have suffered. So My mission for the next hour at work is to crank these thoughts out so that I can get on to newer and more current thoughts...
So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?
My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.
Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.
Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word? 2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?
I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...
You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?
So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?
Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol
And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?
I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...
So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?
My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.
Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.
Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word? 2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?
I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...
You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?
So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?
Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol
And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?
I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...
Personal Profile...
I realized earlier... It's not very often that you get to take a good look at yourself and unpack your plans... assess your accomplishments, make provisions to move forward...
I think everyone should do this every so often... And I do it myself from time to time but am always amazed at how much I learn about me each time I do...
Anyway... Here's me...
Hi! I'm Nesh. I'm laid back. Enthusiastic. Passionate. Feisty. Opinionated. A lush for conversation. Caring. Compassionate. Sometimes louder than necessary. Always willing to hear and understand the point of view of another. Forgiving. Genuine. Humorous. Giving. Generous. Conservative. Adventurous. An advocate for social justice. A champion for the fair treatment of others. No nonsense. Honest. Loyal. Respectful. Nurturing. Understanding. Strong believer in friendship. Appreciative. Logical. Prideful. Independent. Argumentative. A know-it-all. Inspired. Perpetual student of life.
I am all of these things and so many more. Some of these things I am more proud of than others. But ultimately, I am a culmination of these things in varying degrees every single day. And I have no choice but to be okay with that, because overall, these attributes aren't going anywhere. [[[[[meh]]]]]
Friday, October 12, 2012
Eggs and baskets
Okay... ((sigh)). So this seems to be one of those forks in the road for me where I'm forced to align my behavior with either : 1.) what I believe is right OR 2.)what life has been showing me. The two are in constant conflict with one another...and even when I think I've stumbled across some sort of resolution... NOT SO!
I'm not a fan of what life shows me because it gives me no hope for a future that aligns with my inherent beliefs.
It has always been my stance that when it comes to relationships, you should always give your all and trust that your partner is doing the same. As such the need for second guessing, mistrust, stepping outside of, disbelief, and any other negative feelings associated with giving your all to a person. I have always been a firm believer of holding on to all of your eggs until you find someone worthy of trading with. And even then...you don't give them all of your eggs at once but instead gradually test which of your eggs you can trust that person with. Eventually though...as that person proves him or herself more and more trustworthy...you begin to trust them with more of your eggs. Simultaneously, they too are entrusting you with their eggs little by little and bit by bit. And eventually, the goal is that all of your eggs are in their basket and all of theirs are in yours. OR the two are so enmeshed in one giant basket labeled "OURS" that it is difficult for anyone to know whose eggs are where. I guess really, that's the ultimate goal. Or at least I thought it was.
But anyway ...what life is showing me is something different that I'm not a fan of (as mentioned). Life seems to suggests that you should never share your eggs. Or that if you do, not all of them. Life seems to suggest that even if someone requests to be the bearer of your eggs, you should only give them enough for appeasement. Always either keeping a few for yourself (to give to or place in the basket of another) or be deceitful about how many eggs you have to give at all. Either way... Be sneaky and underhanded with the disbursement of your eggs. Always place them in several baskets. Why? 1.) because everyone else is and 2.) so that you can't be totally crushed when your eggs aren't properly tended to it cared for.
Now what's funny about this is that I've played both ways. And both have points of fulfillment and emptiness.
Maybe I should first define the eggs though. At least my eggs are kinda labeled. There are my friendship eggs. My romantic eggs. My discussion eggs. My emotional eggs. My fun eggs. My erotic/fantasy eggs. My sexy eggs. My intellectual eggs. My homemaker eggs. My act right eggs. My submissive eggs. My opinionated eggs. My super sensitive and fragile eggs. My excitement eggs. My damsel in distress eggs. YEESH! That's a lot of eggs. But everyone has them in differing varieties. So it's clear that shelling them out (all pun intended) to anyone takes a lot out of me and therefore requires at least something of them.
I have to admit that it's been a long while since I put all of my eggs in one place. YEARS in fact. And that was the craziest most fulfilling yet draining relationship ever! WHY? He abused my eggs. Lol. I might've abused some of his too though. We rushed. We loved hard. We obsessed. We fought. We made up. And I probably wouldn't change anything about that. BUT ultimately...I probably would have killed him. Or left. Because I don't think I could've done it for much longer. As much as I loved him. As much as he loved me.
This is why I think I'll probably remain an old maid for life. I can't imagine building a life with someone who I can't trust to be faithful. I can't build a life with someone who doesn't take my feelings and concerns seriously. I can't build a life with someone who is content as a man with me doing all the work just because I can and will. I just can't do it. But mostly... I can't be with someone who won't love me and cherish me for and in spite of everyone of my eggs! And I can't be with someone who I can't trust with my eggs or that won't trust me with theirs.
And if that's my marker... And if life is showing me to never trust others because they will abuse that trust every time ... Where does that leave my future...?
I'm not a fan of what life shows me because it gives me no hope for a future that aligns with my inherent beliefs.
It has always been my stance that when it comes to relationships, you should always give your all and trust that your partner is doing the same. As such the need for second guessing, mistrust, stepping outside of, disbelief, and any other negative feelings associated with giving your all to a person. I have always been a firm believer of holding on to all of your eggs until you find someone worthy of trading with. And even then...you don't give them all of your eggs at once but instead gradually test which of your eggs you can trust that person with. Eventually though...as that person proves him or herself more and more trustworthy...you begin to trust them with more of your eggs. Simultaneously, they too are entrusting you with their eggs little by little and bit by bit. And eventually, the goal is that all of your eggs are in their basket and all of theirs are in yours. OR the two are so enmeshed in one giant basket labeled "OURS" that it is difficult for anyone to know whose eggs are where. I guess really, that's the ultimate goal. Or at least I thought it was.
But anyway ...what life is showing me is something different that I'm not a fan of (as mentioned). Life seems to suggests that you should never share your eggs. Or that if you do, not all of them. Life seems to suggest that even if someone requests to be the bearer of your eggs, you should only give them enough for appeasement. Always either keeping a few for yourself (to give to or place in the basket of another) or be deceitful about how many eggs you have to give at all. Either way... Be sneaky and underhanded with the disbursement of your eggs. Always place them in several baskets. Why? 1.) because everyone else is and 2.) so that you can't be totally crushed when your eggs aren't properly tended to it cared for.
Now what's funny about this is that I've played both ways. And both have points of fulfillment and emptiness.
Maybe I should first define the eggs though. At least my eggs are kinda labeled. There are my friendship eggs. My romantic eggs. My discussion eggs. My emotional eggs. My fun eggs. My erotic/fantasy eggs. My sexy eggs. My intellectual eggs. My homemaker eggs. My act right eggs. My submissive eggs. My opinionated eggs. My super sensitive and fragile eggs. My excitement eggs. My damsel in distress eggs. YEESH! That's a lot of eggs. But everyone has them in differing varieties. So it's clear that shelling them out (all pun intended) to anyone takes a lot out of me and therefore requires at least something of them.
I have to admit that it's been a long while since I put all of my eggs in one place. YEARS in fact. And that was the craziest most fulfilling yet draining relationship ever! WHY? He abused my eggs. Lol. I might've abused some of his too though. We rushed. We loved hard. We obsessed. We fought. We made up. And I probably wouldn't change anything about that. BUT ultimately...I probably would have killed him. Or left. Because I don't think I could've done it for much longer. As much as I loved him. As much as he loved me.
This is why I think I'll probably remain an old maid for life. I can't imagine building a life with someone who I can't trust to be faithful. I can't build a life with someone who doesn't take my feelings and concerns seriously. I can't build a life with someone who is content as a man with me doing all the work just because I can and will. I just can't do it. But mostly... I can't be with someone who won't love me and cherish me for and in spite of everyone of my eggs! And I can't be with someone who I can't trust with my eggs or that won't trust me with theirs.
And if that's my marker... And if life is showing me to never trust others because they will abuse that trust every time ... Where does that leave my future...?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Today's lesson: 10/11/12
You can never make people care about you or your feelings... Regardless of how much you may want them to. If you mattered, they'd behave accordingly. Because you don't, it shows through their actions. When someone SHOWS you who they are... Believe them. ✌
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Dating Faux Pas I have Made...
So... I guess I should first place the title of this blog into focus...
I have not dated a whole bunch in the sense of what I think actual dates consist of...
I don't think I have ever REALLY actually dated a person until my latter years at all actually...
To me... a date is a pre-planned event between myself and a guy where he actually makes plans with me in advance, usually picks me up and secures my transportation (somehow) to those plans... and then takes me back to my original location once those plans are over. There is also a romantic element to all of this in that I find interest in him, and he in me, worth exploring enough to make plans and attend them in unison in the first place.
There have been several lists that I have come across devoted to discussing the do's and don't's of those interactions. But that's not entirely what I mean here as I usually find myself asking those questions of my friends myself... I do not have a wealth of experience in that area...
I guess what the title should really discuss is the mistakes I have made in my entanglements with members of the opposite sex over the years... But that is a lot to say and sounds less catchy than the title I created so meh...
Anyway... this is a list of things that I am interested in exploring within myself because I am not entirely sure why I do them. However, I am very capable of identifying them for what they are...
1. I think one of the biggest mistakes I always make with people in general is that I don't express my true and complete feelings about things until my exit interview... I think there are several reasons for this... But let me be more clear about what I mean... If a man does something that rubs me wrong, or upsets me... or that I find as grounds for cancellation... I usually just take note and keep it moving. And unless that person is attentive enough of my change in temperament to notice that a shift has occurred (many are usually to egotistic to do so)... they likely won't even know that change has happened. Then, even in cases where the person may notice the shift, and that it was in response to him... I have usually already made up my mind so it's not usually worth discussing. Regarding my mind being made up, though... my feeling is this: If you are able to do something that would throw me off to that extent... do I really want you around long term? Or even for any term? It may not be grounds for cancellation as I may genuinely enjoy you... or being around you... But I really have to CARE to bring up my thoughts or my feelings... and if you don't then why should I? Even if a guy tells me that he has true plans for me... If his behavior [in any way] shows me that we are just chillin or kickin it or talkin (or whatever you youngsters use to express lack of true commitment)... then that is the mindset from which I will approach all interactions. Regardless. I compartmentalize... and usually most people take themselves off of the relationship track with very subtle moves. BUT... I do think that I could be more expressive. Sometimes people are not aware of their behaviors or of what those behaviors are showing someone else. However, I also think that if I choose to bring something to your attention and you do not honor it or make the necessary changes... then I'm just not that important to you... and therefore should not take you or your words or your actions seriously.
2. I have, in the past, put the happiness of others far above that of my own. And though this is generally the way that relationships should work... That should be the philosophy in all relationships... But its not. I have definitely been guilty of giving more of myself than I should have. The way that I see it, in a relationship, you should have already taken your time to get to know the person. Therefore, you have had ups and downs with them. They have seen you through some pains and celebrated with you through some sorrows. Therefore, you have had a chance to assess them and yourself too before beginning to DECIDE (relationships are more than culmination of feelings... relationships should always be decisions) to be in a relationship. As such, once you decide to make that leap with a person, it is because you both have agreed to the terms and conditions of this union... Sounds a lot like marriage... I'm sure. But to me, why be in a relationship with someone you can't see yourself with long term? That's what dating/talking/chilling is for. Therefore, if two people have decided to be with one another in a relationship...it should be exclusive and it should be reciprocal. I'm not saying that life is supposed to stop and that a person's significant other should now be the only focal point for that person in life. However, I am saying that your significant other should now be a very natural priority in your life. You should each be in a position of being so concerned with the needs and happiness of one another that your own shouln't really be a concern because he/she is already taking care of those details. Is it a perfect system? NO! Not at all. But if this is the daily goal, then it becomes something that both parties continue to work at. In light of this, many of my errors have come from giving too much to people who would not do the same for me or did not do the same for me. Whether I did it because they promised to, or for some other reason (because some other void was being filled by doing so) or whatever, I'm not sure. Clearly, though, I did not follow my own philosophy in these situations. MISTAKE!
3. Another huge mistake I have made is making people feel way too comfortable way too fast. My best friend and I have joked and not joked about this being both a gift and curse that we have both been guilty of possessing. But I have this tendency to make other people feel at ease. I do it unknowingly sometimes, and sometimes I wake up and its too late to change things. In doing this, people tend to think that you feel more strongly for them than you do... or rather that they have you right where they want you... lol what they don't know is that my C game looks a lot like the A game of some other people. So in just being the very basic version of me, people may get something that they really want and in turn believe that I'm behaving that way for their benefit. lol If I could provide more details without implicating parties, I would. But I'm always so interested in the way that people respond in that situation. To me, though, the difference is in how attached/detached I am to the person or events. If I'm being super sweet and chill with you... but I don't react to something you've done... the real question is am I really not reacting or am I just not reacting to you? Me talking to my friends about it is likely me reacting... because I usually want to talk more about them and their lives... therefore only with certain people will I request actual advice of/on my own. What is also interesting is that because this is really just how I am... I notice almost everything and yet comment on almost nothing. The result is people really thinking that they are getting away with things when in reality I just don't care enough to bring it up. And then in cases where I do care enough for that... Sometimes I still say nothing by way of point #1.
4. This flaw is more a continuation of the first point as well. But it is also a point of its own. Because I usually let things go or build when they upset me, it seems like I'm either VERY patient with a person or not patient at all. The reality is that neither are true... or rather that the two come together for me. They meet in the middle. As such, when I'm finished with something I'm finished. I can be patient until I don't want to anymore. And though now I am trying to get myself to be more honest about my thoughts when I have them... usually I just walk away or disappear. I am not sure if that is a sign of growth or an indication of my feelings toward the person. But ultimately, it is how I am. Telling the person may either prolong the inevitable or completely change the situation all together. But regardless of the steps I take to cancellation... I will usually endure a situation until I cannot any longer. And what that usually looks like on the outside looking in is that I've called it quits over nothing. Again though, I strongly believe that the person I end up with will be very in-tuned to these subtle changes in my behavior. To me, there are always warning signs. This is also true to those who know me best. Most men, however never see it. And that is a shame.
5. I have accepted things at face value/ been too trusting/ given chances because I felt obligated to do so
1. I think one of the biggest mistakes I always make with people in general is that I don't express my true and complete feelings about things until my exit interview... I think there are several reasons for this... But let me be more clear about what I mean... If a man does something that rubs me wrong, or upsets me... or that I find as grounds for cancellation... I usually just take note and keep it moving. And unless that person is attentive enough of my change in temperament to notice that a shift has occurred (many are usually to egotistic to do so)... they likely won't even know that change has happened. Then, even in cases where the person may notice the shift, and that it was in response to him... I have usually already made up my mind so it's not usually worth discussing. Regarding my mind being made up, though... my feeling is this: If you are able to do something that would throw me off to that extent... do I really want you around long term? Or even for any term? It may not be grounds for cancellation as I may genuinely enjoy you... or being around you... But I really have to CARE to bring up my thoughts or my feelings... and if you don't then why should I? Even if a guy tells me that he has true plans for me... If his behavior [in any way] shows me that we are just chillin or kickin it or talkin (or whatever you youngsters use to express lack of true commitment)... then that is the mindset from which I will approach all interactions. Regardless. I compartmentalize... and usually most people take themselves off of the relationship track with very subtle moves. BUT... I do think that I could be more expressive. Sometimes people are not aware of their behaviors or of what those behaviors are showing someone else. However, I also think that if I choose to bring something to your attention and you do not honor it or make the necessary changes... then I'm just not that important to you... and therefore should not take you or your words or your actions seriously.
2. I have, in the past, put the happiness of others far above that of my own. And though this is generally the way that relationships should work... That should be the philosophy in all relationships... But its not. I have definitely been guilty of giving more of myself than I should have. The way that I see it, in a relationship, you should have already taken your time to get to know the person. Therefore, you have had ups and downs with them. They have seen you through some pains and celebrated with you through some sorrows. Therefore, you have had a chance to assess them and yourself too before beginning to DECIDE (relationships are more than culmination of feelings... relationships should always be decisions) to be in a relationship. As such, once you decide to make that leap with a person, it is because you both have agreed to the terms and conditions of this union... Sounds a lot like marriage... I'm sure. But to me, why be in a relationship with someone you can't see yourself with long term? That's what dating/talking/chilling is for. Therefore, if two people have decided to be with one another in a relationship...it should be exclusive and it should be reciprocal. I'm not saying that life is supposed to stop and that a person's significant other should now be the only focal point for that person in life. However, I am saying that your significant other should now be a very natural priority in your life. You should each be in a position of being so concerned with the needs and happiness of one another that your own shouln't really be a concern because he/she is already taking care of those details. Is it a perfect system? NO! Not at all. But if this is the daily goal, then it becomes something that both parties continue to work at. In light of this, many of my errors have come from giving too much to people who would not do the same for me or did not do the same for me. Whether I did it because they promised to, or for some other reason (because some other void was being filled by doing so) or whatever, I'm not sure. Clearly, though, I did not follow my own philosophy in these situations. MISTAKE!
3. Another huge mistake I have made is making people feel way too comfortable way too fast. My best friend and I have joked and not joked about this being both a gift and curse that we have both been guilty of possessing. But I have this tendency to make other people feel at ease. I do it unknowingly sometimes, and sometimes I wake up and its too late to change things. In doing this, people tend to think that you feel more strongly for them than you do... or rather that they have you right where they want you... lol what they don't know is that my C game looks a lot like the A game of some other people. So in just being the very basic version of me, people may get something that they really want and in turn believe that I'm behaving that way for their benefit. lol If I could provide more details without implicating parties, I would. But I'm always so interested in the way that people respond in that situation. To me, though, the difference is in how attached/detached I am to the person or events. If I'm being super sweet and chill with you... but I don't react to something you've done... the real question is am I really not reacting or am I just not reacting to you? Me talking to my friends about it is likely me reacting... because I usually want to talk more about them and their lives... therefore only with certain people will I request actual advice of/on my own. What is also interesting is that because this is really just how I am... I notice almost everything and yet comment on almost nothing. The result is people really thinking that they are getting away with things when in reality I just don't care enough to bring it up. And then in cases where I do care enough for that... Sometimes I still say nothing by way of point #1.
4. This flaw is more a continuation of the first point as well. But it is also a point of its own. Because I usually let things go or build when they upset me, it seems like I'm either VERY patient with a person or not patient at all. The reality is that neither are true... or rather that the two come together for me. They meet in the middle. As such, when I'm finished with something I'm finished. I can be patient until I don't want to anymore. And though now I am trying to get myself to be more honest about my thoughts when I have them... usually I just walk away or disappear. I am not sure if that is a sign of growth or an indication of my feelings toward the person. But ultimately, it is how I am. Telling the person may either prolong the inevitable or completely change the situation all together. But regardless of the steps I take to cancellation... I will usually endure a situation until I cannot any longer. And what that usually looks like on the outside looking in is that I've called it quits over nothing. Again though, I strongly believe that the person I end up with will be very in-tuned to these subtle changes in my behavior. To me, there are always warning signs. This is also true to those who know me best. Most men, however never see it. And that is a shame.
5. I have accepted things at face value/ been too trusting/ given chances because I felt obligated to do so
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Lying, Cheating, and Playing Games
I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting lately... And I realized something. I am, overall, very different from a lot of people... male and female. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... Am I going against the grain in a way that will serve me well in the long run? Or in a way that will leave me chronically single because I expect too much of the opposite sex? I posed a similar question in an earlier blog, but realize that my mind will not leave this topic alone.
Like most of my blogs, my recent conversations are the muse for my thoughts on this topic of lying and cheating and all of that stuff. I have never cheated on anyone... I have, however, kissed exes while in limbo with another ex before lol interestingly... I have also been cheated on. Of the five "serious" relationships that I have had in my life... three [that I know of] have resulted in unfaithfulness. And in all three situations, I think they were for different reasons and occurred in different ways... I don't attribute my non-cheating record to my overall angelic ways. For me, when I'm single I'm usually single. Currently, I'm very irritated by the dating scene so ...meh to that. Another blog for another day. But usually, My breakdown looks a little something like this: I usually deal with people for a variety of reasons. The people that I talk to usually serve a specific purpose. There will usually be one that I like more than the others but either cannot see myself in a relationship with or don't see a relationship developing. There may also be someone who gets the majority of my time but that I may not like as much as the person I like the most. There may be someone who is great for conversation. Someone who I feel like enjoys the same things that I do.... I think you get the picture. Sort of like niche interacting. With that being said, in order for me to be in a relationship with someone, in addition to trusting them wholeheartedly I also have to feel like they make the existence of the other people that I find interesting obsolete. That way, when I get into a relationship with someone, I have no reason to search outside of my relationship for things that I need. I would have someone to talk to, someone I genuinely like, someone I can genuinely enjoy being around (which says ALOT for me... I'm super temperamental about who I share my space with)...Someone I'm attracted to intellectually, someone who keeps it real with me... etc. And that usually works well for me until it doesn't anymore. I see no reason to rush into anything and I generally don't see the benefit of being with someone just because.
I prefer to be with one person in one relationship. I prefer deep personal relationships that are close, intimate, and individualized. Plus, though I'm honest about where I am with things, investing in more than one person at a time is so exhausting. I didn't have time for it before and I have even less time for it now. But I've also KNOWN several cheaters... and this has always been an issue that has interested me. If I was interested enough, I would do my dissertation on it, because it honestly does fascinate me.
Today, though, I have been thinking more about the reasons people get caught in their lies and games moreso than the reasons that they commit these transgressions to begin with. As I mentioned yesterday... I am not sure where I stand on the issue of accepting cheating... But we'll get to that in a second too. Though I think that men and women do cheat for different reasons, I have to believe that the get caught for similar reasons which I will list below and provide examples. I must say, though, that of all of the cheaters that I know or have known, only one female has ever gotten caught. That says a lot. I don't know if they are more aware of their behaviors or what... The chick that I'm thinking of made a very classic mistake that men usually make. She underestimated how much her dude paid attention and she overestimated how slick she was. CLASSIC mistake. This usually has a lot to do with the ego of the person cheating. In this situation, her behavior changed drastically. As a result, her dude went through her phone and noticed some interesting activity between she and a dude that he knew of but didn't know. The activity was interesting more because there were lots of phone calls but no texts though he often witnessed her texting SOMEONE whenever they were together. As such, he saved his number under the number for the dude so that all messages would come to him. In doing so, he realized soon enough that she was also physically and emotionally intimate with this guy and got caught up. Clearly both men and women make this mistake. No surprise there.
Another key mistake that people make is underestimating just how small the world, and more specifically the area that we live in, actually is. I once knew a chick that was dealing with a dude who was friends with some people she was also friends with. In addition to this, one of her friends also happened to be friends with someone who was cool with the dude. She then later found out that several people she knew also worked with the dude and actually was cool with him at work. Needless to say that dude severely underestimated how small the world is, and how small the area they lived in was. There was a gathering with friends at which point he invited a chick that wasn't his girl. He thought he was being slick about it and lied to his girl which she didn't know he was doing at the time. The FUNNIEST thing about this story is that despite all of the people who his chick knew that could have informed his chick... GUESS how she found out about it!?!? She knew someone else that knew the other girl! lol Came up in random conversation! Now I know what you're thinking... His chick was just well connected! lol And I guess that makes sense. But regardless, he was being hot about it and his chick probably would have found out regardless. But the way that she did was priceless. Yea, I'm sure he probably figured he was amongst the loyalty of his friends and therefore wouldn't get caught up. However, he didn't even KNOW that his girl knew co-workers of his. And there was no way he could have seen his full name coming up in conversation between his chick and the chick he decided to bring around. BUT that is the risk that you run when you piss too closely to where you eat. But it's also the risk you run when you're doing dirt. What is done in the dark ALWAYS has its way of surfacing to lighter pastures.
Classic mistake number three involves the people that people cheat with. My ex was so beyond famous for this one. lol And it never failed... well never failed me anyway. He would be creeping with these basic chicks on the low and in the cut but publicly wifing me... And I don't just mean by word of mouth. He spoiled it for anyone else because this dude was honestly the prototype of doing dirt but taking care of home. He was so smart and meticulous about it that I honestly would have given him the benefit of the doubt at first if it were not for these chicks. Don't get me wrong, there were shifts in his behaviors sometimes as well. But what he showed me more than anything was that a determined man could do anything he put his mind to, including cheat while still catering to my every want and need. I remember when I lived in Salisbury in my college apartment. He would literally drive to Salisbury on Friday nights as soon as he got off of work at 5:00pm. He'd pick me up from work and stay for the entire weekend, leave Monday morning. Literally, most weeks, by Tuesday night, he was back at my apartment staying until Wednesday morning. Sometimes, I would see him 5 nights a week plus the weekend. Yeah, it was only a 2 hour drive. But that's two hours backward and forward. Coming and going. And it wasn't just that... anytime I needed or wanted anything, I only had to think it and it was mine. We talked all day everyday. On the phone. Via facebook chat. Just because notes left on the mirror in the morning. Text messages all day in between phone calls. lol Constant communication. So the real questions are :why put in that much work only to cheat? And when are you finding TIME to cheat...? Questions I always asked myself. But I also already knew the answer... Anyway... the fatal flaw. He would be wrapping these joints UP! But then they'd do their research... Look on facebook, pages linked lol status :engaged ... lol Click on albums... pics galore... Look in his phone... Home screen ME lol I call "The Wife" pops up... Super romantical ringtone plays LOUDLY lol... So of course the chicks are like... okay well either "I want THAT"or "maybe she doesn't know about me" lol and they'd blow up his spot. Granted, this was years ago. Lol even happened after his death. Complete his fault though. He underestimated the chicks.
So back to the original question. Do you just hope the person is smart enough or respects you enough that if they plan to cheat, they keep it away from you ? Is that actually respect ? Wouldn't respect involve not cheating at all...? Idk.
Like most of my blogs, my recent conversations are the muse for my thoughts on this topic of lying and cheating and all of that stuff. I have never cheated on anyone... I have, however, kissed exes while in limbo with another ex before lol interestingly... I have also been cheated on. Of the five "serious" relationships that I have had in my life... three [that I know of] have resulted in unfaithfulness. And in all three situations, I think they were for different reasons and occurred in different ways... I don't attribute my non-cheating record to my overall angelic ways. For me, when I'm single I'm usually single. Currently, I'm very irritated by the dating scene so ...meh to that. Another blog for another day. But usually, My breakdown looks a little something like this: I usually deal with people for a variety of reasons. The people that I talk to usually serve a specific purpose. There will usually be one that I like more than the others but either cannot see myself in a relationship with or don't see a relationship developing. There may also be someone who gets the majority of my time but that I may not like as much as the person I like the most. There may be someone who is great for conversation. Someone who I feel like enjoys the same things that I do.... I think you get the picture. Sort of like niche interacting. With that being said, in order for me to be in a relationship with someone, in addition to trusting them wholeheartedly I also have to feel like they make the existence of the other people that I find interesting obsolete. That way, when I get into a relationship with someone, I have no reason to search outside of my relationship for things that I need. I would have someone to talk to, someone I genuinely like, someone I can genuinely enjoy being around (which says ALOT for me... I'm super temperamental about who I share my space with)...Someone I'm attracted to intellectually, someone who keeps it real with me... etc. And that usually works well for me until it doesn't anymore. I see no reason to rush into anything and I generally don't see the benefit of being with someone just because.
I prefer to be with one person in one relationship. I prefer deep personal relationships that are close, intimate, and individualized. Plus, though I'm honest about where I am with things, investing in more than one person at a time is so exhausting. I didn't have time for it before and I have even less time for it now. But I've also KNOWN several cheaters... and this has always been an issue that has interested me. If I was interested enough, I would do my dissertation on it, because it honestly does fascinate me.
Today, though, I have been thinking more about the reasons people get caught in their lies and games moreso than the reasons that they commit these transgressions to begin with. As I mentioned yesterday... I am not sure where I stand on the issue of accepting cheating... But we'll get to that in a second too. Though I think that men and women do cheat for different reasons, I have to believe that the get caught for similar reasons which I will list below and provide examples. I must say, though, that of all of the cheaters that I know or have known, only one female has ever gotten caught. That says a lot. I don't know if they are more aware of their behaviors or what... The chick that I'm thinking of made a very classic mistake that men usually make. She underestimated how much her dude paid attention and she overestimated how slick she was. CLASSIC mistake. This usually has a lot to do with the ego of the person cheating. In this situation, her behavior changed drastically. As a result, her dude went through her phone and noticed some interesting activity between she and a dude that he knew of but didn't know. The activity was interesting more because there were lots of phone calls but no texts though he often witnessed her texting SOMEONE whenever they were together. As such, he saved his number under the number for the dude so that all messages would come to him. In doing so, he realized soon enough that she was also physically and emotionally intimate with this guy and got caught up. Clearly both men and women make this mistake. No surprise there.
Another key mistake that people make is underestimating just how small the world, and more specifically the area that we live in, actually is. I once knew a chick that was dealing with a dude who was friends with some people she was also friends with. In addition to this, one of her friends also happened to be friends with someone who was cool with the dude. She then later found out that several people she knew also worked with the dude and actually was cool with him at work. Needless to say that dude severely underestimated how small the world is, and how small the area they lived in was. There was a gathering with friends at which point he invited a chick that wasn't his girl. He thought he was being slick about it and lied to his girl which she didn't know he was doing at the time. The FUNNIEST thing about this story is that despite all of the people who his chick knew that could have informed his chick... GUESS how she found out about it!?!? She knew someone else that knew the other girl! lol Came up in random conversation! Now I know what you're thinking... His chick was just well connected! lol And I guess that makes sense. But regardless, he was being hot about it and his chick probably would have found out regardless. But the way that she did was priceless. Yea, I'm sure he probably figured he was amongst the loyalty of his friends and therefore wouldn't get caught up. However, he didn't even KNOW that his girl knew co-workers of his. And there was no way he could have seen his full name coming up in conversation between his chick and the chick he decided to bring around. BUT that is the risk that you run when you piss too closely to where you eat. But it's also the risk you run when you're doing dirt. What is done in the dark ALWAYS has its way of surfacing to lighter pastures.
Classic mistake number three involves the people that people cheat with. My ex was so beyond famous for this one. lol And it never failed... well never failed me anyway. He would be creeping with these basic chicks on the low and in the cut but publicly wifing me... And I don't just mean by word of mouth. He spoiled it for anyone else because this dude was honestly the prototype of doing dirt but taking care of home. He was so smart and meticulous about it that I honestly would have given him the benefit of the doubt at first if it were not for these chicks. Don't get me wrong, there were shifts in his behaviors sometimes as well. But what he showed me more than anything was that a determined man could do anything he put his mind to, including cheat while still catering to my every want and need. I remember when I lived in Salisbury in my college apartment. He would literally drive to Salisbury on Friday nights as soon as he got off of work at 5:00pm. He'd pick me up from work and stay for the entire weekend, leave Monday morning. Literally, most weeks, by Tuesday night, he was back at my apartment staying until Wednesday morning. Sometimes, I would see him 5 nights a week plus the weekend. Yeah, it was only a 2 hour drive. But that's two hours backward and forward. Coming and going. And it wasn't just that... anytime I needed or wanted anything, I only had to think it and it was mine. We talked all day everyday. On the phone. Via facebook chat. Just because notes left on the mirror in the morning. Text messages all day in between phone calls. lol Constant communication. So the real questions are :why put in that much work only to cheat? And when are you finding TIME to cheat...? Questions I always asked myself. But I also already knew the answer... Anyway... the fatal flaw. He would be wrapping these joints UP! But then they'd do their research... Look on facebook, pages linked lol status :engaged ... lol Click on albums... pics galore... Look in his phone... Home screen ME lol I call "The Wife" pops up... Super romantical ringtone plays LOUDLY lol... So of course the chicks are like... okay well either "I want THAT"or "maybe she doesn't know about me" lol and they'd blow up his spot. Granted, this was years ago. Lol even happened after his death. Complete his fault though. He underestimated the chicks.
So back to the original question. Do you just hope the person is smart enough or respects you enough that if they plan to cheat, they keep it away from you ? Is that actually respect ? Wouldn't respect involve not cheating at all...? Idk.
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