On Vacation Homes...

Hi friends!!! It's been a minute! I've been living life and becoming re-acclimated with what exactly that means post-partum. I'm loving motherhood, but with it has come a series of foreseen and unforeseen  challenges that I was just not prepared for... When I first found out that I was with child, I am very proud to say that the very first thing that i started to do was pray. I was so prayerful through my pregnancy about each and everything... Every single step that I made and interestingly (or not) I felt so very close to God... But then motherhood kicked in, and school, and the proverbial juggling act that I have now been maintaining for the past ten months... And as a result I have not been praying, or engaging in any me-time as much as I need to. And of course,  once again, I started following myself through the situation instead of allowing God to guide me.... MISTAKE!

Anyway, in my recent ponderings, I was reminded of this guy I used to date. We are great friends now so I'm sure he won't mind me borrowing this excerpt of a thought from him. One of the greatest things about that situation was the s.... Conversation (lol). I made a funny but truly, for someone so marked by their veil of ignorant behavior, I was always so amazed by the in-depth talks we were always able to have about pretty much anything... One day we had a conversation about video vixens, I believe, and he made the most amazing analogy. He was a womanizer at the time (lol) and I asked if he could see himself wifing a real live vixen. His reply was shockingly brilliant, in my opinion... He said "Nah. You can vacation in Miami but you'd never want to live there, think about it..." I was FLOORED by this. The more I thought about it, the more sense it made... I could even deepen the analogy and talk about the concepts of retirement. But I'll digress on that... Anyway he went on to say that a vacation is fun because its just that and it's all you should ever really grow to expect of them. He also asked me if I'd ever gone on a vacation that outwore its welcome. Of course my answer was yes, we all have... The point being that it happens when you spend too much time on vacay... You start to miss home and grow tired of all of the "fun" vacation has to offer because its not realistic. Especially when you factor in that real people have to work to afford vacations and therefore you at least need to get back to real life to be able to live... But there's also the fact that vacation is only really meant to be a temporary escape... Never really meant to be permanent...

Now if we apply this concept to dating and relationships, which was the original intent... I'm sure we have all been guilty of this faux pas.... However I try to make less and less of these mistakes as time goes on... Dating is meant to be enjoyed... You meet a person and in the beginning it's all sweet... They are full of vibrant conversation... You're wining and dining one another, spoiling each other with attention and affection... Physical chemistry is great, they answer all of your must know questions perfectly, and they seem to accept all the things you hate about yourself lol... You're on vacation. They take your mind off of all the stupid things life is throwing at you by providing a distraction... An escape. And of course this sounds like the beginning of what could be a wonderful relationship because when you're young, you truly believe that fun and temporary happiness is all you need in a relationship.... But when you grow a bit... You should recognize that it requires more.....

A home... When you're the purchaser, is an investment.... It's costly, but worth it considering everything that it stands to provide for you and yours.... And the older I get, the wiser (hopefully) I become, I view relationships as investments as well.... They can be costly ... Time, money, energy.... EMOTIONS... All things that you never truly get back once they are spent... Some can be rebuilt or re-earned.... But with each exchange, you're never exactly back to where you were to begin with.... The return on investment, though, can be great if you let it... Just like a home provides certain things (shelter, security, warmth, support, refuge, etc), a relationship can as well (love, refuge, support,safety/security, warmth, etc). However, just like when making a choice in real estate... One should be aware of what is being agreed upon when selecting relationships. This feels similar to a previous blog I've posted so to not strain that analogy I'll get to the point. 

If you're rich enough... FINE! Move to Miami, or better yet buy a vacation home there... But if you're like me and you're finding yourself choosier and choosier in your old age... AND you see no point in spending money on a place or investing in a place that's only giving you temporary relief on occasion.... Then think about what you need in a home. I'm also going to make a disclaimer and say that in no way am I suggesting frequent vacationing if you've already made a decision to buy (or even rent to own). Different blog for a different day... Plus yall know how I feel about cheating. 

What I am saying, though, is don't invest in someone or something that's fleeting. My next home will be sturdy, secure (emotionally and physically) yet forgiving, made of honest materials, safe, and warm. It will be able to last through trials and tribulations because it's foundation will not be rickety. And it will live its mom! 😭😭😭 (insider). 

No but seriously, I have made the mistake of purchasing a vacation home before. Trying to make a long term investment with something (someone) that was likely only meant to be seasonal in my life. Though it will take prayer to avoid that mistake again, I also plan to pay close attention to what I'm being shown. People always show us exactly who they are... We just have to learn to pay attention. 

Anyway, that's all for now (I think...). 

Love you guys. This felt good. 

-Nesh 

Just Give 'Em the Pickle

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Just Give 'Em thePickle

Relationships are hard work. The more I grow, and the more I experience, I realize that these should not be taken or entered into lightly. And yet, people do this daily. I realize that human interactions are never simple, and rightfully so as they engage the emotions,thought processes, patterns, behaviors, and experiences of two different people who have two different approaches to everything. There are bound to be misunderstandings, conflict is destined, and confusion is inherent. However,working toward a harmonious and healthy existence with someone else is both achoice and an honor because it is also my belief that the side effects of this endeavor are beneficial and far outweigh the detriment, if handled properly.

Lately, life has been full of contradictions. I like to think of it as a clash between the past, the present,and the future that will be the product of whichever wins. We are taught to value family and collectivism, yet told to seize the day and live each like it is our last. We are taught to take care of others, and consistently forgive them; yet we are also taught to take care of ourselves and consistently bewareof others who seek to destroy us or our happiness. Make plans for a future and invest, but know that life is too short to live like there is a tomorrow. Allof these mixed messages impact the way that we interact with one another, and ultimately the way that we behave in our relationships. We want to build relationships that last and that matter, but the moment conflict arises we conveniently remember that life is too short to be unhappy. We completely bypass the fact that the aforementioned phrase is likely referring to a perpetual state of unhappiness and discomfort, and not the way you felt when you found out that your significant other did not take out the trash this morning. We have become too concerned with making ourselves happy to invest inthe happiness of someone else and building to bring that shared happiness to fruition.

Through all of this contradiction,though, I have really been trying to find my way through the smoke. I went from thinking that God sends you that one person who is meant to change your life,to thinking that you just pick someone (arbitrary or not) to be with and you do whatever it takes to make it work with that person; come what may. Both of these, individually, have gotten me into trouble.  My current thoughts, though, have evolved abit from those, and morphed into some sort of combination thereof…. A hybrid ofthe two, if you will. I still fully believe that God places people in your life for such a time as this. That can be as long or as short as necessary. However,sometimes, he may intend for someone to be in our lives for the long haul, but earning that relationship then becomes our responsibility. My thoughts on this also align with my opinions on God’s permissive versus his intended will forour lives. There is a certain amount of room/flexibility that he will allow,but overall the things that he wants to happen will happen with or without our cooperation.

In lieu of these beliefs, there are also certain things that I tend to view as relationship basics. These are also a bit contradictory, but these contradictions are an integral part of the process. For instance, I think that relationships should be as effortless as they are intentional and oriented around work and effort. Certain parts of the relationship should be effortless. You should enjoy being around that person,genuinely. You should feel comfortable talking to that person. You should feel,overall, that the person has your best interest at heart. However, you should also work toward showing that person how you feel, understanding the aspects ofthat person that you don’t automatically identify with, making sure that your actions and your words align where this person is concerned. Also, you will both adore and loathe this person at times. There will be times when this person is all you think about; their happiness means your happiness, you have rude thoughts about anyone who would seek to bring them pain. Yet, because of how much this person matters to you, there will also be times when you just cannot stand the sight of them… Their voice makes you want to throw things,their name makes you angry even if you just see it written down somewhere… lol.There will be times that you just want to rip off their clothes, and other times that you just want to rip off their heads. Again, same principle as before. The point being that REAL relationships go through periods of transition. That is completely healthy and completely normal. And just because everyday isn’t daisies and sunshine does not mean that the ship has sailed and the relationship is no longer worth your time… These things requires work.

However, there are also things that should always exist in a relationship. You should cherish the person, the person should cherish you. You should communicate with the person, the person should communicate with you. You should honor the person, the person should honor you. You should take pride in the person, in their accomplishments, in their goals. You should want to help them achieve them, and support them in their endeavors. They should do the same for you. Reciprocity, and very intentional and deliberate steps should be taken to secure and insure one another’s happiness. But there are certainly times when we lose sight on how to do this.There are times that we find this difficulty, and the relationship suffers as aresult of this. And in the end, something that was completely avoidable or fixable, can end up ruining what would have been an otherwise fruitful and prosperous union.

So anyway, on to the title of this blog, and the overall point of this rant… There is this man that I know. And in our past life together, whenever we would have a disagreement about really anything, he would always put on his customer service persona and write me emails from his imaginary company as if he were a customer service agent. It used to both amuse and irritate me. He never did it over big issues, only small ones. But ultimately, he has a business mind (cardinal rule #1 in relationships: KNOW YOUR PARTNER!), and so it makes sense that this is how he chose to relate. Also, it was much more his incessant douchebag terminology in the emails that peeved me more so than the messages themselves. However, in retrospect, there is nothing wrong with applying a customer service approach to relationships. There is a consumer, and a retailer. There is a product/end result in mind. The retailer has  the responsibility of securing and insuring the consumer's happiness with the product. These are undisputed facts. But both members of the relationship are playing the role of the consumer and the retailer simultaneously, all of the time. And if both members of the relationship take on this perspective, even just a little bit…The effects could be drastically beneficial.

Now, “Just give them the pickle” is huge in the world of customer service. If you have a second, google the phrase.It is quite interesting to read the story, and get the old man’s take on how he sees customer service. However, for the purpose of discussion here, I’ll summarize. The old man owned a deli of some sort where people loved the sandwiches and loved the pickles. After much success and the ability to expand,more stores were opened and people were hired. Usually, when a person would ask for an extra pickle, it was no problem. But overtime, business savvy experts began to note that the pickles cost the store money, and therefore people should start paying for them if they wanted more than the amount allotted in their meals. Customers began to complain, and when the old man heard about this, his philosophy became ‘Just give them the pickle’… The idea being that we want their business. Yes, the pickles cost us money, but not to the extent that losing customers over them is justifiable. So in the end, let’s just  give them what we want instead of wasting valuable time arguing over something that could sever the relationship forever.

Now, first of all I know that some of you little dirty-minded freaks were hoping the title meant something else. But alas, just think about some of the arguments you have had with your significant other (past and present) and think about how tightly either of you may have held on to a point just because you did not want to lose ground in the argument. Now granted, there are  times when arguments need to happen, and there are times when this is healthy. There are also times where you’re arguing with someone you really don’t need to be with anyway, and the arguments are a symptom of that. That isn’t what this particular blog is speaking to. This is about when we let small things become big things, all because we are afraid to lose ground or want to save face. If both parties would just take a step back and speak the truth, which is I can really give you what I know you’re asking for… and really mean it… JUST THINK of how much more seamlessly things would flow. Just think of how much better things would be between them after that…

The reality is that ... when we love someone... we choose to accept them flaws and all, and to help them to be their best; and I think that requires some selflessness on our part that calls upon a blind faith in the fact that WHEN, not if, the tables are turned, they will do the same for us…

When you decide to make a life with someone, you also make a choice to accept them and to be there… And you also choose to persevere with them, come what may. Too many people take that lightly these days…  But if we start to just concede,just a little bit when we know that in the end, we would do anything for that person and they would do anything for us… It’s not a loss. It’s actually a victory.But it definitely takes a certain level of maturity to see that… and to embrace it for what it truly is… 

Until next time folks…

Mind... Control...

Good Morning Bloggerverse...
I just realized that it's been a WHILE since my last post... Also realized that I've really been looking forward to this vacation only to come to terms with the fact that it is giving me too much time to sit and think about all of the things that I have spent the last few months completely numbing myself to....

Another lesson learned: If you are not well-practiced in the art (And I really do believe that it is an art....) of delusion... The things that you are avoiding, running away from, ignoring, or just generally not dealing with by any other label.... WILL MOST DEFINITELY find their way into your subconscious, your actual conscious, your general conversations (brought up by other people).... lol These things will FIND YOU... Which only means that I should have subscribed to my usual theory of dealing with things head on to begin with... But sometimes when things are too painful to deal with... Pose too much of a threat to unravel you at the seams.... Putting it off... Practicing ninja-like numbing techniques... Avoiding people who can see right through you... All of these seem like more viable options.... And still do for me...

Anyway though... This morning... something that I have been battling with internally confronted me head on. I had a dream which literally woke me from what would have been an otherwise amazing slumber super early... My dreams have been extremely vivid lately... And even in my dreams, my buried thoughts have thrived and flourished monumentally... They have embraced my sleep as an ally and faithful forum to yell and scream at me to the top of their lungs... Tangent over. So I wake from this dream, and I can't really sit still because going back to sleep isn't really a possibility straight away.... So instead I get up and move around... Engage in an unintentional conversation... Then go roaming around to check on my sister who would have usually come to find me by now... While sitting with her... Joyce Myers (Meyers?) comes on the television.

At this point, all I know about Joyce is what I have seen retweeted from her around the twitterverse on occasion. I have never actually heard her speak or been especially moved by anything that she has ever really had to say. But today, she began spouting off about a topic that I have been trying to wrap my mind around for quite some time now. Joyce was discussing the amazing power that our thoughts have over our lives... And the impact that that power can have, both positive and negative... And our ability create circumstances, perspectives, and overall ways of being based on our thoughts. Plainly put, if you walk into a situation saying "I can't take one more set back", or "I cannot bear to deal with this or that", or "This will be the end or me, it will ruin me"... You have already created a defeated climate through which prospering in spite of has already been ruled out as an option. As a result, though being hurt, or depressed, or upset about things can be a very natural part of life.... We then choose to either allow those states of being to flourish, or to cast them out and deny their continued existence.

This will likely be a short string of thoughts because I am not sure I am ready to weigh in on this. It is too close for comfort and as much as I would like to maintain belief in the power of thoughts and the power of words... I also see so many contradictions of that around me. Either we are saying one thing to ourselves with no true conviction behind our thoughts/words... OR... this theory is completely bogus and our thoughts are just our thoughts and have no real impact on our behaviors or the outcomes of our situations.... I just found it very interesting that this message found me while I was ignoring and avoiding it.... I truly believe that your thoughts can set the tone for your approach to a situation and can send messages to others that you may not even be aware of. Both of these, can in turn, impact the way the other person perceives the situation and perceives you. Your thoughts can also give you the will to press through and/or give up on something... But I also think that some pain, some situations, some things.... Just are. And I don't KNOW if I believe that thoughts have the power to influence those circumstances as well. I guess it's possible... Anything is possible... I also suppose that this is where faith comes in... I'm sure it's there somewhere.... Isn't it always?
**le sigh** I dunno...

I'm sure I'll blog more over the next two weeks... I have nothing but space, time, and opportunity.

I hope that all of you are well and that life is teaching and treating you to many beautiful lessons. =)

Until next time, Loves!

On Expiration Dates...

Okay... So it's been a minute. Life has been throwing me for a few loops and school has played an active role in that process as well. But a new recurring theme keeps popping up around me so I figured I'd sort it out by writing about it... Or try to.

Have you ever met someone and known immediately that there was an expiration date on your interaction with this person??? This can manifest itself in a variety of ways and I'm sure we have each encountered this at some point. It's, in some ways, the polar opposite of the way you feel when you meet someone who you sort of know is supposed to be in your life or that you know you were meant to meet. In those situations, I've been known to try to ignore it (if it involves romantic sentiment) or be skeptical of it and play it cool in general. But sometimes when we meet a person who is clearly seasonal... Or at least when I do/have, I do the opposite. I will try to examine it for depth or make sure that I'm not creating the expiration date out of nowhere.

Now more on the expiration date itself... These are people that we KNOW we have nothing in common with... Or know that there is a literal expiration date like a day they are leaving the country or moving to a new area or something.... They may be coming at a time when our serious sites are clearly set on someone else but this person just appears in the interim.... You know immediately that the person means you no good but they are currently appealing to you... There are a variety of reasons that the real or perceived expiration date may exist. My question is... Once you have acknowledged the expiration date, what do you do with it???This is where my confusion lies...

When discussing this concept with one of my close friends, it became clear that this decision should likely be based on the following things:

1.) The shared view of the situation [yours and the other person's]
2.) Your level of honesty [with yourself and the other person]
3.) And the reasoning behind the expiration date.

First of all, the shared view of things is very important. If you are both viewing this as something fun and interesting with no true intentions of taking things anywhere serious, then this may not present a problem for anyone. However, if you see a clear expiration date and it seems that the other person is attempting to build a foundation, a conversation may be in order...

Level of honesty is also important and ties into the third consideration of your scope of reasoning.... Are you creating an expiration date for this person because you don't want to believe that the possibility exists? Do you know immediately that you are not willing to put the work in, and therefore see no reason to string this person along? And how honest are you being with the other person about your expectation? How honest is the other person being with you? Is the other person only saying things are casual to appease you, when in reality they want more? And are you afraid of the 'more' and therefore creating this expiration date? OR.... Does the expiration date really exist? Which brings us to the why... You should also be honest with yourself above all else regarding the reason you you applied the expiration date to begin with... Did you apply it, or is it the result of divine intervention...?

If you meet a person and find them to be completely cool as a person, yet know that who they are as a person completely clashes with who you are [morally, physically, ideologically, religiously, clashes in personality... etc.], I would say those are fair grounds for an expiration date... If you realize the person is moving to a completely different continent for an extended period of time, and therefore neither of you wants to get too attached... I think that is solid reasoning for an expiration date, or at least a rain-check.

However, if you are holding out for one person and therefore keeping everyone else at bay... That requires a completely different internal dialogue. And again, this requires extreme honesty with one's self. On the one hand, if you and this other person are on the cusp of being more serious but have not yet crossed the line... You should ask yourself what implications this new situation could have for that situation and who would be impacted by the consequences as well as how... If you are serious about this other person and are unsure about how they feel about you... That should probably be a conversation that you have before entertaining other possibilities.... If you are serious about this other person but are trying to tell yourself you aren't... and are therefore 'keeping your options open' all the while knowing where you are likely to end up...... Again... be more honest with yourself... and stop dragging other people unnecessarily into your mess... BUT.... If you are holding on to this person knowing that they either mean you no good... or have no real intention of making things official in any capacity with you... How valid is the expiration date you have placed on this new person?

And really, expiration dates can come as a result of any combination of these reasons as well as several others. But the strongest is the reasoning you should go with. Basically, do not waste your own time if you are playing yourself... but also don't waste someone else's time because you are playing yourself. lol

The conversation with my close friend was interesting as the overall perspective there was that we are getting too old to just engage in meaningless entanglements with people. He felt that we should be at the point where our romantic involvements should be purposed with finding something that will last. If you realize that is not the case or the potential to do that with a person is not there [i.e.- expiration date]... Then you should leave that person alone... Plain and simple... Even if you think that person is super cool or you two get along really well and have great conversation... If you know that the possibility for more than friendship exists, yet it would be on a road leading nowhere...It's better to not even start. Furthermore... If you're holding out for someone or something... You need to figure that out so that you can either use the pot or get off of it... [lol his wording not mine]... Because life is too short and time is too precious to be wasting it having a fight over egos and involving others in the process unecessarily.

I am not 1000% positive that I agree with this plan of action. But I definitely understand it....Just not sure it works for everyone in every situation...  I guess it's just difficult sometimes when walking the balance between enjoying life, and living it with a heightened sense of purpose. This is also the conundrum of being young enough to make mistakes, yet old enough to know better....

Until next time folks...

On Forgiving, Forgetting, and Rebuilding…

By now, I feel like most of the people who read my blogs kinda know my life a little bit. Some of you know that various situations in my life have led me directly to this topic… Whether they involve my own situations or those of others, these themes of trust, forgiveness, rebuilding, letting go, making things work, and anything related have been dancing in and out of my mind for the last several months.  I am continuing to learn that there is no road map that teaches us to deal with these issues. Some of these queries have led to letting entire relationships go while others have led to on-going battles with preserving and understanding deeper... However, because of the way life goes, the chances of us ALL ending up on one side of the forgiveness coin   or another (the forgiver vs the transgressor) is 100%!

Self-preservation and protection can lead us to do and say things that may hurt those that truly care for and want the best for us. And as a result, we will all find ourselves either apologizing or being apologized to if we decide to continue to engage one another in relationships. And this process is true for all relationships regardless of duration or nature. I have also learned that how deep the wound goes, how much forgiving becomes necessary, how long the process all relate to how deeply we care for the person. The lengths to which we are willing to go as well as the distance we place between ourselves and the person (or at least the reasoning for said distance) will often have more to do with how deeply we care than with the act itself.

Please do not misunderstand, there are certain acts that will always cause us to stay away or choose to remain closed off. However, those will be noted completely separately for the purposes of this particular thought process. In cases where malice is not involved, the true gauge of one’s feelings is interpreted by how they behave when hurt… or by the lengths to which they are willing to go when they have hurt someone else.

Ultimately, though, these types of happenings are completely unavoidable when dealing with other human beings and when feelings are involved. Regardless a decision on forgiving, or not, must be made. A decision on whether or not to rebuild must be made. And these decisions must be unanimous if there is any possibility of a prosperous relationship past these points. With this must also come certain negotiations, compromises, and understandings from both parties involved.

I blogged almost two years ago on forgiveness itself… But in some ways, my views have changed. You can definitely read or re-read that blog for specifics (http://atmsmind.blogspot.com/2011/01/on-forgiveness.html) … However, I only find it necessary to summarize the three major points I made about forgiveness there. The first is that forgiveness is never for the other person; it is always for the individual doing the forgiving.  Oftentimes, it seems that people feel like they are doing the other person a favor by forgiving, and therefore decide against it. But TRUST ME… The burden of not forgiving usually weighs heavier on the person who needs to forgive. Sometimes the other person doesn’t even realize they have done anything that requires forgiving, while we are walking around mad at the world thinking we are “punishing” them for what they have done. That was the second point that I made. In addition to this, though, we also run the risk of spilling those unresolved feelings or emotions onto someone else if we do not adequately deal with them (forgive the other person).  The final point was that to forgive does not automatically mean to forget. The choice to do either, however, is always ours. ALWAYS.

Now, on to present-day. There are a couple of reasons I can think of, based on my experiences and those of others, that a person would choose to forgive someone: 1.) trying to be the bigger person 2.) wanting to forgive others as God forgives us 3.) tired of walking around harboring feelings of mistrust, regret, and pain 4.) The realization that life without the person who hurt us might be much more painful than the transgression itself OR the person ultimately means more to us than this one mistake (or series of mistakes) and therefore we want to get past this place of pain to the other side where happiness hopefully resides. I will not go in depth regarding the specifics of these choices as that could be another blog of an in itself. Your choices are your choices, and your reasoning requires no justification to anyone. You feel the way that you feel just as I feel the way that I feel. Additionally, any of these reasonings are interchangeable and any can contribute to our reasons for forgiving someone. However the final reason is a major segway into the ultimate point of this blog.

Some transgressions are so great, or so blatant, or so intentional (malice intended), that they will cause us to want to distance ourselves from the person regardless of any other factors. In these situations, it is still best to forgive the person... Harbor no ill will toward them, wish them well. Yet we may choose to no longer deal with them from that point forward. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO FEEL THIS WAY... And these situations hold prime candidacy for forgiving, but not forgetting. But sometimes, we choose to forgive a person because we want to get back to the place in our relationship with them where the transgression never existed. The problem is, sometimes when we say we are forgiving and BELIEVE that we are forgiving, we have not truly forgiven. We believe the person when they say they are sorry, we say that we want to get back to life as usual, we say that it is okay to hang out again or talk the way that we used to, or whatever normal looks like. But for the lot of us... Residuals from those feelings continue to find a way into our thoughts and emotions. We sometimes will distance ourselves or maintain a certain level of hostility toward the person because our emotions toward them are still in limbo. We want to forgive the person, and we truly believe that we can and will.

In order to get to this point with a person, we have to forgive and try to forget. As difficult as this is and will always be, it really is the most important step to truly forgiving a person for the sake of preserving the relationship. For the sake of rebuilding. Of course, in reality, truly forgetting an event is almost impossible, especially if this event held any level of importance to you... But you have to try and get to the point where that memory is the furthest thing from you mind in relation to that person. You must try to bury it in a place where you cannot easily access it, or else it will be your go-to for every disagreement, every new issue, every instance of discord. In getting to this point, you should definitely be honest with the other person about where you are in the process as well as with yourself. But working toward this place is something that you have to do just as sure as the person should be working with you to redeem him/herself from what caused these feelings to begin with.

It is also important to be as cognizant as possible of the way your feelings are impacting your behavior and ultimately the other person. This may seem very stupid to say or even think... I mean afterall, they were the ones who hurt us... Why should I be considering his/her feelings at this point? In reality, though, there is likely tons of blame to go around and if you are really interested in getting past WHATEVER it is that is holding you back, you have to know that what you do will influence the way they feel or behave. If your actions are showing that you are currently not interested in rebuilding, or moving on, or whatever... Then they may act accordingly or be looking to you for cues on how to behave. Now you can choose to oblige them, or not... Totally up to you. However, know that you will never have a clear picture of what could be without at least being aware of yourself first and communicating where you are with things. Even if this means that you need some distance for a while before you can behave like a normal human being around this person (or at least whatever normal looks like for the two of you), that is totally fair as long as you are being clear about where you are. Sometimes though, we expect for a person to do or say certain things and hold it against them when they do not; not even realizing that maybe our behavior is what is signaling to them behave one way or another. Granted this person has hurt you, and their feelings may be the last thing you want to consider right now... But hopefully you are rebuilding because you truly believe that they did not intend to hurt you. If this is the case, you must also know that they likely care just as much about you as you do about them. And at some point, you are going to want to let them back in. What you don’t want is for your behavior during this delicate process to result in a repetition of this cycle where you are now the transgressor.

This is becoming longer than I intended for it to be so I feel the need to wrap it up a little. But I do not want to do that without mentioning a potential plan of action for both the transgressor and the forgiver. In most situations, these roles are completely interchangeable. Especially if as a unit, the two have decided to forgive, forget, and rebuild. Usually, both parties have done something that they felt they were reacting to causing each to be the forgiver and the transgressor at the exact same time. It is important to understand each of these roles in an attempt to move things along and get past the current state of the relationship.

As the transgressor, you must humble yourself in an attempt to receive a platform on which to express yourself to the forgiver. This is very important, as without it you may never be granted a chance. You have to understand that though there is likely blame to go around, you must practice what you preach by forgiving as well while accepting full responsibility for your role in the way that things have gone. You have to make a clear effort to truly understand where things went wrong and make it abundantly clear that it is your goal to rectify the behaviors that have led to this point. It is also very important for you to be honest with yourself about your role in the betrayal, even if you (too) felt betrayed in the process. We are all human, and therefore none of us are fault-free. However you have to do your best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and really understand where he/she is coming from. That is the only way this will have a chance at working, and if it is important to you, then that is the outcome you will desire.

As the forgiver, you have to PROVIDE a platform (space) for the transgressor to prove him/herself. You, too, must hold up your end of the bargain by forgiving and then forgetting fully in hopes of actually moving past the betrayal you feel/felt. You also have to decide if you felt like there was malice in the heart of the other person. If the answer is no, it does not magically become easier to forgive the person or erase the feelings you have felt thus far. However, it should at least open your heart and mind to the possibility of truly forgiving and trying to understand what led you both to your current predicament. It is also your responsibility to be as honest and upfront with yourself as well as the other person through this process. There was clearly a miscommunication of some sort somewhere and it is up to the two of you, collectively, to figure out what it was in order to prevent it from happening again. The only way though that is to communicate and increase the attempts to better understand one another if each of you truly cares.

I recognize that these seem like the easiest things in the world to sit down and write about, yet the most difficult things to actively participate in. Especially when your feelings and heart are on the line. However, ultimately you have to answer to yourself about whether or not you want that person in your life, whether or not the person deserves to be in your life, and how you truly feel about the person and everything that has traspired. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with them. All of these thoughts mean absolutely nothing without some good, old-fashioned communication and sharing.

On Vulnerability...

A few months ago, I found a posted quote by none other than Bob Marley which read, "The worst thing a man can do is open a woman up with no intention of loving her..."

The first time I read it, I recall being blown away by the simplicity and yet gravity of it. It is beyond true... And it is exactly how I feel about vulnerability...

Let it be noted that I am saying this: No relationship can work without vulnerability... The ability to be vulnerable with someone other than you... The ability to take a chance on letting someone in to see all of your faults, all of your flaws, all of your fears... and TRUSTING them not to abuse that information. For some of us, being vulnerable is much more difficult than it is for others [[GUILTY]]... However, it is very important to be able to be THAT trusting of the person you're with... It isn't being super emotional all the time, or over expressive, or whiny. But it is giving someone the power to impact your feelings and emotions... Caring enough, and showing that you care enough, to be fully invested... Allowing someone else close enough that they would be fully capable of destroying you or breaking you down... and yet TRUSTING them enough to believe that they will not... Being vulnerable is being open... Sharing freely... Giving of yourself.... And it is very easy to see how this, by definition, has earned the negative connotation that many of us recognize it for. However, intimacy [true intimacy/connectedness with someone else] is impossible without it...

The problem is... Sometimes people do take advantage. Sometimes people do allow or even lead someone to a point of true vulnerability only to strike and destroy all the trust built... And it is those people who cause and perpetuate the ripples of mistrust that we witness in life daily... And the backlash of those actions are those who believe you should never leave yourself THAT open... you should ALWAYS have a contingency plan... You should NEVER be completely vulnerable.... And that feels right for a while... You begin to put up walls and layers for protection... You begin to assess how open others are being and adjust your armor accordingly... And even if you weren't a person whose vulnerability was taken advantage of... The stories of what others have experienced are often enough to make you want to remain on guard....

The problem with this, though, is that you are also blocking the potential for something amazing in the process. Love should be deep, it should be intimate, it should be intrusive... How else would it cut to the core of you? How else would you feel it when you feel numb to everything else...? And granted, if love is strong enough, it should be able to break down those walls and meet you where you are... But the reality is that that's work... And sometimes... we forget that everyone has had experiences and that those experiences leave others equally as tarnished and jaded as ours have left us. So sometimes while we think a person should be willing to break down the walls if they are meant to love us... That very message could be triggering something from their pasts that say the same thing [or the polar opposite in some cases]... And then no one gets served.  In reality, there should be a balance of some sort. You should be able to trust someone, especially in a relationship. You should be able to believe that someone is capable of protecting you and allowing you to protect them. That is the only way that true vulnerability, and by right, true intimacy really works. If both parties are actively vulnerable with and for one another, each has the same amount to lose.... And yet each is concerned with protecting the other that they don't even notice their own vulnerability... They are safeguarding their counterpart's vulnerability as if it were their own...

However... As the quote notes... The worst thing a PERSON can do, is get someone to a point of vulnerability... openness.... with no intention of protecting them... With no intention of loving them the way they deserve to be loved... It is sinful and can truly ruin a person's trust in others indefinitely... Either don't open a person up if you have no intention of being there to catch their fall... Of protecting them... of loving them completely.... OR ... If you do open a person up... If you do work to get a person to the point where they trust you, respect you, appreciate you, consider you, protect you... RECIPROCATE... Catch them... trust them... love them... appreciate them... consider them... Respect them...

But of course to stop this... we would have to rid this world of a large amount of its selfishness... And that, my loves, will likely never happen.... So... the solution...?

I don't know honestly... But it has to start on an individual level...

Until next time...

On Communicating

I am realizing more and more as I pay attention to myself, and to others, that communicating is something that so many of us take for granted. And we do not do so because we do not realize its importance overall.... Instead, we often do it because we think we are communicating effectively. But in many cases, we are sadly mistaken.

I see, more and more, that we sometimes just expect the people we love and care about to KNOW certain things... To just KNOW. I cannot even begin to tell you all how many times I have both heard and said "Well s/he should have KNOWN how that would make me feel..." or "S/he would not like it if I did that to them so why do it to me?" And we often think that should negate the necessity of a conversation or actual communication on a topic all together. However, more and more I realize this is not true. I have also been guilty of the "Well if I have to tell you then it defeats the purpose anyway..." (lol) But the more I grow and get to understand others, I realize exactly how silly I have been over the years for genuinely feeling that way. 

Even more fascinating than the lack of communicating, though, is the reason for it. FEAR! Some view fear as a weakness, while others see it as a point of strength forcing you in one direction or another. But interestingly, most of the time, we do not realize that it is fear that is keeping us from doing or saying the things that we should in terms of communication and in terms of communicating within relationships. Often times, we fear rejection... or a lack of genuine concern on the part of the other person... or a lack in the capacity to change things the right way... or even a lack of faith in the importance we hold in the life of the person we are communicating with. This is really what we are saying when we make up excuses (that we sometimes do not even recognize as excuses) for not communicating. 

But at some point, this has to stop. Communication is key to every relationship, and can either be responsible for its success or its demise. Furthermore, if we are not willing to share our feelings with a person we care about... We are then forced to ask what withholding that information says about the way we feel about him or her overall. With this message of communicating, though, comes a certain responsibility for the listener as well. Communication is defined as the sending and reception of a message. There  must always be a sender and a receiver in order for it to work successfully. As a result, in a relationship, we MUST be willing to play both roles. We cannot expect to do all of the sending. We have to be receptive to responses and concerns from our partners as well. But we also have to do a better job at communicating effectively and not only attempt to be understood, but also have an equally as important investment in the ability to understand! This seems so simple and common sensical, and yet daily relationships fall apart because these very simple rules are being violated. 

You can never, ever just expect for someone else to understand how you feel or what you need or what you want. Closed mouths do not get fed. And to be honest, in many cases, them not knowing may not really be their fault... We all have different perspectives... Even those of us that seem to be most similar or most understanding. Me doing something that upset you is bound to happen at some point... However, if we have not negotiated the rules of our engagement... How fair is it for you to hold it against me? However, if you let me know exactly how you feel about something, and THEN I violate that.... THAT is the point at which you have every right to hold me accountable for my actions and place judgement on the value that I have or have not placed on you. However, prior to your explicit explanations of your thoughts, desires, and/or feelings... Holding a grudge toward me for something that i may not have known is incredibly unfair. 

While we are on this topic... it is also important to understand HOW your partner communicates. If text does not seem to work well for the two of you, move to verbal and/or face to face communication. If one of you communicates better via one than the other, search for a fair compromise that you can both benefit from. All relationships are give and take and will also require work from both parties in order to maintain healthy progression. But it seems more and more that the things that should be the most simple are often poorly executed or overcomplicated. 

Anyway, I just have thoughts sometimes... Until next time loves... =)