On Courting

On Courting …
 So the other day I was reading one of the blogs that I follow... The author of which happens to be an extremely talented young man that I have the pleasure of ACTUALLY knowing, as a person... And I stumbled upon a word... and somewhat dismissive definition (in my opinion)... C O U R T I N G... Anyone who knows me, and my innermost thoughts somewhat personally, also knows that this is a topic that is relatively near and dear to my heart. I have very specific views on it and have done quite a bit of research on its origin, definition, and inner workings through television, literature, and Disney movies... All of which will be made evident in the proceeding... lol But it sort of hit me that so many people don’t view this the way that I do... And that its evolution in general has morphed the word into exactly what the gentleman that I mentioned above sees it as... DATING!

Okay... so let’s get technical for a moment. When I saw the definition in the blog (which was later argued as a simple way of putting it... ←- “we don’t believe you, you need more people”)... I went straight to my dictionary app on my phone. There was no way that this was an accurate definition of the word. No way. So... according to Webster’s... Courting is “to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from.” And after copying and pasting the CORRECT definition of the word to the person who abused it... I thought to myself... ‘exactly!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating, hooking up, talking, all of those lovely things that young people are running around doing in both monogamous and polygamous fashions... However that is not to be confused with courting which is something that is a little more sacred and special.

Now in the olden days... And by olden I don’t quite mean pre-historic at which point I’m pretty sure men just married or shacked up with whichever woman they could carry at the moment... and I also don’t quite mean the years of Good Times and Amen... Although I’ll get to that in a minute too... I’m referring more to the civilized era of petticoats and white wigs... That is where I picture courting being born... Initially, the process of courting a woman first meant that you had to go through her father for permission. However, also during those times, status and wealth had a lot to do with who was publicly free to court whom... and so these things sometimes went a bit differently based on circumstance... But essentially the man would have to not only make it clear that he was fully capable of supporting the woman and making her his wife... but that he was respectful of her and intent upon proving so. Men would come to the living quarters of the woman and just sit.... for hours at a time... Perhaps play a game of chess or some other monotonous activity just to be in the presence of the woman... And in return, if the chick was digging him too, she would provide him with some sort of favor of hers... A breast-kerchief (as I like to call it lol) or a sentimental broche for him to remember her by in her absence. A slight favor that said that she, too, was interested in the courtship and that his work was not unnoted. Now, we can fast forward a bit to the “Good Times” era that i spoke of before because there are examples of courtship there too. Remember when Thelma was dating that guy... I can’t remember his name... But I distinctly recall him always having to sit in the living room with the rest of the family... Despite the fact that she was pretty much a grown woman. I’ve heard my parents tell similar stories of dates having to involve other family members. And this hits a little bit closer to home. Most guys were probably not looking at a woman and thinking of how much he wanted to respect her and appreciate her... But instead he probably endured everything that he knew would be required in order to get with her... in every sense of the word.


Though I love the idea of a man thinking a woman is worth all of these wonderful things and behaving a certain way as a reflection of his feelings for her... The more realistic possibility is that he is doing what it takes because it is what he wants... and has accepted that task... It’s more practical and equally as respectable. In all of these cases, though, the man would do the majority of the work to prove himself because he knew that in the end he was receiving a prize. And therefore, putting in work on the front end guaranteed him something of value on the back end. Therefore driving (or walking... or now metroing) to her house, putting up with her family, paying for movies and glass bottles of soda pop, buying food, buying concert tickets for a show that he never wanted to see just so it would make her happy... opening car doors, going without nookie... all of these things were the price he had to pay for a top quality chick. Sure he could go make out behind the bleachers with one of the fast chicks that would give it up in a second.... sure he could go over her house whenever he wanted to and have his way with her no questions asked... sure he probably didn’t have to wine or dine her at all... But at the same time,here, work was easily equated to worth [[see previous blogs for this phenomenon]]. And so if he wanted someone who he could marry and bring home to his mother... he was going to have to do what it took. Again, respectable...

So all of this, of course begs the question of how this translates to 21st century living, and what has changed!? My honest answer... Women and the value thereof... And I’m not talking about the socially imposed value of women, though this plays a role in it too. But I’m referring to the self-imposed value that we as women give ourselves. It is a direct reflection of the way that mothers AND ESPECIALLY fathers are raising their daughters (which I will get to in a minute), and then consequently what the women who grow are willing to accept themselves. And we have all been guilty of it. We have all required less than what we deserve. We have all cried over someone’s son who did not deserve our tears or our time, or our nookie for that matter. We have all given it away to someone who wasn’t worth the gum on the bottom of a 4 year-old’s shoe. We have all been the product of treatment less than our actual worth. But it has perpetuated beyond necessity and it honestly has to stop somewhere.

 Here’s my thing... Women are in a different place now altogether. We are educated. We are able to vote. We may not get paid as well as men everywhere in every profession, but we are working our way there. We are strong. We are independent. Anything they can do, we can do better... Right??? eh... I’m not too sure. I love the song Miss Independent (the remix) because I couldn’t say it better myself... “There is nothing that’s more sexy, than a girl that wants but don’t need me...” So where does this leave men if we are truly capable of all of the above? And not only that but where does it leave dating and more importantly courting? Men don’t court women anymore. For some reason the right to be independent has also given us the right to be wild, lose, and unrespectable in so many eyes; including our own. One of my best friends believes in courting while the other doesn’t... something else I realized today while pondering this topic. But I think a compromise is in order, and I think it is in order FAST! TO ME, when a man honestly feels a certain way about a woman... the way that he should feel when he wants to spend his life, and create a life with her... he will do whatever it takes in order to win her favor. He will court her. And some of it will be by way of his natural inclination... but some of it will be because of the standards that she sets for herself. In order for him to give of himself though, there has to be something about her that still makes him feel like he is getting a prize in the end! And for that to happen, the woman has to know, herself, that she is a prize! The way that she requires for others to treat her should always be a direct reflection of the way that she treats herself! She sets the tone! She provides the example. Somewhere along the journey, we seem to have forgotten that. And on this quest to gain the “power” that we assume independence brings, we have lost some power as well. The sex thing... for instance... Yes.. Human beings are sexual beings... We are physically attractive and attracted to one another. But it is also important to remember what sex means to men. Women, we really are not built like them, nor should we be. Sorry... Now this is in no way meant to insinuate that we are incapable of sex without feelings or that double standards are fair... Neither is the point or the case. However, in order for us to understand our value we also have to understand the value of what is in between our legs and how much of ourselves we give away every time we have a new sexual partner. The female anatomy is something that has been fought for, fought over, sought after, chased, you name it... men have done it in order to get to it! So why not use it as leverage...!? They expect us to … Or at least they used to... And of course we are much more than just this. And we’d absolutely better be. But just as our brains are valuable and we never want to undermine how important they are... We should never undermine the power of the V either! After all, it is what separates us and it is the ultimate conquest.

So understanding that the V is important is part of it. But being MORE than just that is the other part. Having standards, being supportive, having goals, having ideas, intellect, taking pride in ourselves... these are just a few of the things that make us great and make us worth protecting and worth caring for and providing for... Worth opening the car door for and remembering to put the toilet seat down. We are all of those things, and therein lies the prize. But we have to know it...especially if we want them to know it.

 Now back to courting. To me, courting is more than just the behaviors that a man partakes in when interested in a woman... It is the intent behind it. It is the consistency. It is the genuineness and honesty. I cannot stand it when a man puts tons of effort into a woman that he’s actually treating badly or cheating on... Or worse, when a man puts in work then reverses his behaviors once he gets what he was after. But again, in that case... that man probably was not courting... he was acting with a desired outcome.... Anyway, a man in courting is one with a mission...with a purpose. His approach will be different because his outlook is different. Here, this is why I don’t just mean causal or even serious dating... This man feels he has met his match, his equal...his rib... I don’t mean to say that if a man doesn’t feel this strongly about the chick he is seeing he should stop reading. But I am being very intentional about my language... Because courting is something that a man does when he is hoping to show a woman that he is worth marrying and furthermore worth her hand in marriage... which to him is a prize... A man in courting is not a perfect man. Furthermore, courting is not synonymous with chivalry... Although a man in courting is probably a chivalrous man... He is intentional about getting to know her... He is clear about his intentions (even if he is subtle about it)... He is attentive to her needs, her shifts in mood, her differences in opinion... and he is concerned about her opinions of him. This does not mean that he changes who he is completely. However, if she has a problem with his behavior, he will at the very least begin to examine those behaviors and compare them to her definition of a mate... and at most, he will change them completely if that means keeping her around. If he is still a bit immature, as many PEOPLE are, he may lie in the beginning when he’s afraid of displeasing her and then realize that there is no reason to lie to the person who should eventually know you better than anyone else. My point is... he will make mistakes. But he will learn from them. He will want to make her happy because his happiness is tied to hers.


So, courting in these times... What does that look like? Well, first of all, a woman has to be woman enough to understand that deserving protection and provision in no way makes her weak. It does not take away from any of her accomplishments or her independents. But it shows that she is a prize. The same way that men polish, protect, honor and obey their vehicles (regardless of how raggedy or glamorous) is the same way he should want to protect his woman... his wife. But I’m not going to get into the metaphor of boys and their toys because it's not as essential to the point. If he values it, he will protect it. And you want to be valued ladies... TRUST ME! Now... I do not think that women are therefore incapable of providing things to the equation as well. However, there has to be balance. A man has to feel like a man. A man has to know that he is the deciding force in his home, and we have to make them feel this way. I’m still torn on my thoughts about meeting half-way because I am very in love with my old school conservative views and I own that. But I do think that women can partake in the effort within reason. You can drive to him sometimes, but that does not negate his obligation to put in effort. You can plan a date sometimes, and pay for it... But on occasion... And if that seems selfish, I apologize. But I think that to a certain extent, money means more to men than it does to women and there are other areas of the relationship for which the female expertise should be utilized. That also means, though, that women have to get out of the mentality that men will always be white knights riding in on white Lambos.... because that isn’t realistic or fair. I’m not saying that the man should have to front all of the effort... But I am saying that his effort should match his interest and how serious he is and a woman will not be able to gauge that at all if she is always offering to do all of the work because she’s too independent to be cared for. Yes you have a car... but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pick you up and take you out on dates. Yes you can pay for your own dinner but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD make it clear to you that not only is he positioned to take care of you... but that he genuinely wants to and is happy to do so because you are a prize. I could also go in depth about ways to show him that he is a prize...which if he is...and he has proven himself SPECIFICALLY THROUGH COURTSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY THROUGH MARRIAGE... you should make it clear to him that he is valued and valuable... But I will leave that portion for another blog on another day because this one is all about courtship...

Now.. Gentlemen have their roles cut out for them. But I do not think that those roles are as clear as they should be. Part of that is our fault as women. But part of it is really just the age-old story of research to practice! I read something the other day that COMPLETELY left me baffled by how true it was... and that almost never happens... It basically said that men should treat women the way they would want their daughters, sisters, and mothers to be treated... and yet many do not! [[GAAAAAAAAASP!!!!]] Now, in an effort not to get too deep with the finger pointing here... I will simply provide the thoughts I had on the topic today in a very generalized way. The relationship between a father and his daughter... At least the way that that relationship should go: When your daughter is born...she is the apple of your eye. You love, cherish, and protect her. You clean her up, you coddle her, you are proud that you were able to create something so perfect. And you vow from that point forward that as her father, as long as you live, there will never be a want that she has that goes unsatisfied! She will never go without. She will never know pain, or fear, or loneliness, or lack hope. Why? Because Daddy will see to it that all of her needs, wants and desires are met. And if any person, male or female DARES to disrespect her... PCHFT! ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY... Because otherwise, he would feel your wrath. As she grows, you are careful with her feelings and with her heart. You make sure she is fed on time. You see to it that the safety provisions of her car seat are secure. You even check the car she’ll be riding in, TWICE! So much care and maintenance goes into this relationship! As it should. You are also setting an example for her of what a man should always do if he ever wants to even think of looking in her direction... ONLY THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY! ←-------


[[INSERT BLARING OBNOXIOUS LIGHTS]] THAT!!!!!!!! Ladies and gents, is what a man in courtship looks like. Clearly, the devotion and feelings are a bit different for the woman he is dating and/or courting. But the behaviors are the same, and the reasoning is the same too. She is the prize that he is tasked with protecting and maintaining. It’s much more than dating. It’s far more involved. And it should be. The stakes are higher, the prizes-rewards-and benefits are better, and the disdain for failure is thicker. That’s my point! So women, do a better job of being a prize worth protecting... ESPECIALLY SO before you send another tweet about being taken on a $200 date! Get yourself together so that when someone worth your time comes along, you can recognize him.... One because he’s not doing anything you don’t already do for yourself and therefore you can see him more clearly... But TWO because he’s doing it from a very genuine place and could be exactly what you DESERVE... And men, think more clearly about what you want in life, and what you need... and the type of person you’d like to share all of that with. And when you find her... treat her as such, as she could be exactly what you need and what YOU deserve.