30 Songs in 30 Days- Day 1

So because I'm forcing myself to write daily so that I simultaneously force myself to perfect the craft (lol), I am subscribing to this 30 songs in 30 days crap! I'm gonna post the rules here so that if anyone else wants to play(or so I always know where to find them), they can do so. lol

The Rules :

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Now that THAT'S over with... on to my song for the day... My favorite song of all time...
lol If you know me at all you should know these three things: 1.) I hate RULES ... -_- lol 2.) I am terribly indecisive and find ways to accept and or be accepting of almost anything... even when it hurts me... 3.) I am extremely stubborn which sometimes seems that it SHOULD contradict #2... but alas it does not... Anyway though (Kat Stakz voice) I have two favorite songs... And I guess I'll write a little something about them both because they are equally as important to me...

The first and I guess if I had to choose, the fave of the two is Sweet Thang by Chaka Khan and Rufus... I LOVE THIS SONG... but fundamentally I'm against everything it stands for... The song is about a chick and a dude who you'd think was hers based on the title and overall mood of the song... BUT NO ... she is essentially lusting after another woman's man... which is something that I'd never do and am morally against... lol and these indisputable facts about me in no way negate the way that i feel everytime I hear this song... My entire mood changes... I get happy and hopeful and I sing loudly to the top of my lungs no matter where I am when I hear it... My neck and hips sway in opposite directions, my hands form minds and opinions of their own and are not necessarily in sync... The song LITERALLY moves me... And I've never really known why... But I know every single word, rift, and run and am tempted to prove it right now. But it is such a feel good song, and to me represents what music was when the song was released (1975). And though I wasn't alive then, I am always so in awe of music from that era. I have also been told that my soul is much older than the rest of me... and I believe it. With respect to this, and in complete contrast to the second song I will mention... the re-make should be mentioned. I have nothing against Mary J. Blige and actually respect her a great deal, yet feel the need to cling to the original on this one. The lyrics have very little to do with my feelings for the song (rare for me), though after hearing it I always wish that I did have these strong feelings for someone... because the song moves me just that much... [[sigh]] anyway enough about that one though. I'm sure you're just dying to know what my other favorite song is... And though I could go all the way to the opposite end of the spectrum and choose something more new age and edgy... I am nothing if not a contemporary conservative.
The second of my favorite songs would have to be Lauryn Hill's Can't Take My Eyes Off You remake. S M H ... me and this song... I remember where I was and what I was doing the first time I heard this. I was actually watching the MTV (i believe) when they still showed music videos frequently... and I was already a Lauryn fan... so my jaw DROPPED when I saw her walking through a town belting out the lyrics to this song... I don't have the same type of memorable connection to song #1 because its something I've known since I can remember having memories... That song just has feel good thoughts written all over it... And though the same is true for "Cant Take My Eyes Off You ".... the two just do different things to me emotionally I guess... But this song, for me, is a representation of everything I think of when I think of being and FEEL in love... Its warm, its pure, its true, its inviting, its flirtatious in the most innocent way, its honest, its truthful, its vulnerable,its strong, its a struggle and yet its simple... I LOVE THIS SONG... I immediately recognized the lyrics the first time I heard it as there have been countless covers to this song. But no one, and I do mean NO ONE does it quite like Ms.Hill. I am a Lauryn fan, and can listen and relate to just about anything that she sings. But for me, this song epitomized her talent, and my young opinions on what love does and should feel like at the most basic state. And it wasn't until recently that I encountered someone who made this song come to life for me and inspired my opinions on a completely new song. But that song is a favorite song reserved for him, and therefore does not make the cut to fit in this blog. Hopefully, though, I will be given the chance to reveal it to you during this 30 day journey.
Anyway, both of these songs do exactly for me what I feel music should. They each inspire me, they make me think, they teach me, they comfort me, they evoke emotion, they make me question my own personal code of conduct and character. These songs make me feel a live, and make me happy about living. They rock me to sleep at night, and wake me up in the morning. They are human representations of life, and all of the drama that comes with it (good and bad). I love them, and I feel like they love me back (as insane as I'm sure that sounds).
Thank you for reading and please create a beautiful day.
-Nesh

New beginnings, New outlets

Okay...
So this will be a short one. But if you follow my blog already, or have read previous posts... then you know that this is the point (in my usual song and dance) where I vow to do things differently, devote more time to myself, devote more time to my writing, blog more frequently and more meaningfully, yada yada yada... You should also know that this is also the part where I tell you that I mean it, you can count on me, and you won't be disappointed when you read. But I mean it all, it's not just crap... I'm making a promise to myself to do better... but I also promised my best friend which means way more to me than a measly promise to myself...
So this is the first of many...
I think I'll do that 30 songs in 30 days thingy... or maybe post my bucket list and vow to actually complete some of the items on it (once I complete the list itself)... I don't know... I need motivation I guess.. And even more than that I need time...
But my thoughts are doing that thing again where they overpower me and take me over... So I need an outlet... And since my social life is becoming more nonexistent by the millisecond (THANK YOU PHD!!!)... I'm turning to you people... Don't let me down... MAKE ME BLOG! Give me a reason to blog... Create interesting blogs yourself to give me inspiration... Do your part (lol) and I in turn will do mine...
I guess this is turning into a rant which I'm fine with... But I should warn you that this will get dicey...
My social circle (aka the circle of trust which I'm sure I've mentioned and if you know me at all, you're fully aware of it) gets smaller and smaller which I am fine with... But the problem is this... I don't like public bashing and therefore though I would like to use my blog as a source of unloading, I am trying to do so without it coming off as if I am going in or rather weighing in heavily on someone in my life... because that list of folks is so very slim... But I'm confident in my ability to keep it clean and neutral and as general as possible as the list of things that get under my skin or bother me are usually based on the principle of the thing anyway...
LOL sorry I'm rambling so I'll stop now... But I promise I'll be back...
Always...
-Nesh

Phenomenal Woman

Phenomenal Woman
“Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say It’s in the reach of my arms, The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips.
It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
It’s the arch in my back, The sun of my smile. The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style.
I’m a woman. Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.” – THE GREAT Maya Angelou
If you know the poem at all, you know this is an augmented version of the greatness that exists within EACH and EVERY stanza of this remarkable poem. And these words: so poised, so unassuming, so ACCURATE… You may be surprised to know that even through their struggle to exist [[the words that is]], so many women do not understand their meaning… So many women still do not grasp the ginormity of their own worth…?? Now the why is not quite as surprising as the THAT! But both remain and likely always will which is what saddens me the most.
In this particular blog… I will be using a specific example. And though I don’t usually do this, there are so many women with a story similar to this young woman’s, that I feel compelled to share. One of my students is the exact same age as I am… well rather she is turning 25 this year just as I did. She is beautiful, and funny, and smart, and a true joy to be around when she decides to be. And yet I can look at her, before she even begins to tell her story, and KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that she does not appreciate herself for who she is. And as such, when she begins to share things with me, it comes as no true surprise to me that others [[specifically men]] do not respect her any more than she respects herself. She does not trust herself, and like so many women feels that sex and sexual explicity [[created word alert]] are the only true values that she has to offer the opposite sex. And of course they gladly accept, which only reinforces its worth and her underrated self value in her mind… But what she doesn’t realize and is completely unaware of is the power that she has…. She LITERALLY does not see it… and it drives me absolutely bananas!
Now allow me to digress for a moment, only to shed some personal light on this topic. Every woman, regardless of beauty, or stature, or intelligence, or any other quality questions who she is and questions her worth. There are parts of my body that I damn to hell DAILY! And the things that people tend to compliment me on the most are the things that I grew up LOATHING about myself… My curly hair has always been an irritation. My deep brown chocolate textured skin wasn’t a point of pride. My full lips, which got me teased almost every single day, had me wanting to either cut them off myself, or request reconstructive surgery as a gift every single Christmas and birthday. My almond shaped eyes made people question my nationality [[and still do]] so those could have gone if it were up to me… My curves made me different from other girls, so I didn’t want those either. I was always inquisitive and thirsty for knowledge, so I was labeled a nerd and a goody-good [[BAHUMBUG!]]… And I am positive that the list could go on…. But the important thing is that all of these disputes were based upon the images of beauty that others made me believe… And no matter how much my mother would fight with me DAILY to change and undo the damage that public school had inflicted upon my ego… It took forever for me to realize that I needed to appreciate these things about myself if I ever wanted another human being to. My mother HAD to appreciate these things… Not only did I acquire a ton of the aforementioned directly from her… but she was my mommy and it was her obligation to tell me that my bootyjuice was more precious than anyone else’s… So it wasn’t until I started believing my own hype, and defining my own standards of beauty that I came to the conclusion that I was the bomb.com regardless of what anyone else cared to think… And that, in my opinion, is one of the hardest places for a woman to get to… What I don’t fully grasp is why…
Now, bringing it back to my student… I will not lie and pretend that life has not dealt her quite the unfortunate hand… because it certainly has as it often does the lot of us… She is [[among unnecessary for mention here other psychological deficiencies]] freshly attempting to get over the death of her mother… Additionally she is a ward of the state for all intents and purposes and has been for quite some time… she has recently aborted a fetus that she fully intended to keep… there are a host of psychosocial situations and factors that should be keeping her mind focused and alert… However, all she cares about is what men think of her… she uses sex to get everything she wants from food, to attention, to validation. And my heart breaks every single time this realization slaps me in the face… because I see her as capable and deserving of so much more… One day she and I had a conversation about the partners [[sexual]] that she has had in the past. The conversation began because I was inquiring about the relation she had to the father of her unborn child. That then branched out into us discussing the fact that she had only known him for about a month prior to the pregnancy and had only been dating him for about two weeks before she found out that she was pregnant. In my head [[as I usually crunch numbers just to do so]] I realized that this meant that she was already having unprotected sex with a person that she had only known for a couple of weeks when the child was conceived [[at the very maximum]]… so of course I began to ask about her past experiences and whether or not she took her own safety into account when making decisions to be sexually active…. She became immediately and understandably defensive and then explained that she simply enjoys sex and that no one is getting more out of the exchange than she is…
Let me pause here for a second and say that I was not judging her at that moment and I am not telling this because I feel that others are in a position to do so either. Immediately what I did want to do was give her a magical mirror… one that showed beauty in even her most severe flaws… one that showed her what she possesses that other women would kill for… one that counted and tallied [[automatically]] every item about her person that exuded beauty and gave her a numeric representation of all the millions of things that make her beautiful just because she is her… But alas… I have no magic mirror… and the conversation that transpired following showed me that that mirror may not have made much of a difference in this case…
[[HEAVY SIGH]] The conversation continued with me asking her if she ever considered waiting to get to know someone and at the very least their sexual/relationship/social/any other necessary history before allowing him to have her body… I genuinely wanted to know if this had ever occurred to her… Because now I was curious… and in so many words she told me that she loves sex and would do it whenever and however with any one who was willing to look her way… because that is what she was supposed to do… YALL… my entire heart dropped… and with it all of my other necessary vital organs felt like they flowed out of me in the same pattern… my soul was pained… not just for her and her poor body…. But for every other woman on this earth that I know for a fact feels the same way… I of course followed up by asking her if she knew at all what she possessed and how valuable it happens to be… that it is THAT possession that can bring any sane man to his knees if properly operated… and she was confused…. She wanted to know what I was talking about, all the while doubt in her face as to whether or not she actually had this gift that I spoke so freely about… “You’re a WOMAN” I replied… “Don’t you know that they’re lined around the block just to watch what you’ve got?” But I then stressed to her that the only reason that they don’t respect it that way is because she doesn’t either… How could they and why would they if everytime they even contemplate doing so, you give them permission not to????
My real question is what is it that makes us feel so inadequate… so unworthy… so UGH! I want to kill that illusion one million and forty two times because it is ridiculous… we are the givers of life… the bearers of perfection… and we all carry our own secret weapons that no one can operate the way that we can… its bigger than our vaginas and more lovely than our breasts…. It is our essence… and it is only activated in our belief…
I could go on and on and on regarding this topic… but I’ll stop here for now and leave a few final thoughts…
Women: RESPECT YOURSELVES and RESPECT OTHERS! You teach people how to treat you. We have all given our love, given our bodies, and given ourselves to the undeserving…. And if you haven’t yet… live a bit more and I promise you that you likely will… but we must rise above that… you live, you learn, and then you move on… But while you’re living and while you’re learning… protect yourselves physically and figuratively… Don’t give it away too easily… but even if you do WRAP IT UP!
Make them work for it… that way even if they turn out to be worthless in the end… he would have still had to prove himself in order to get what he got… But make sure you know your worth… and wear it as a badge of honor for all to see… Prioritize and understand the importance of being the best you that you know how to be before even attempting to add a man or anyone else to the equation… Never be afraid to face and work on YOU… it will be your most prized masterpiece once it is done 
Men: If you find yourself with a woman that does not know her worth… know that you cannot give it to her and you won’t ever be able to…. But what you can do is let her know what you see…and what you love… and what makes her so alluring to you… She’ll never get tired of hearing it… and if she’s at all aware of what it is that exists within her… the majority of her efforts will be spent trying to do the same for you… adding to your life and assisting you in the fulfillment of your dreams… But also know that you have a power as well and as such a great responsibility… Love your wives… marry your fiancés… RAISE YOUR DAUGHTERS! You have no idea what these very simple yet demanding tasks are capable of doing to and for society…. PLEASE AND THANK YOU…
I know this was a long one [[pause]]… But I hope you took the time to see it for what it was worth… as well as read in between the lines, and filled the empty spaces with everything that I have NOT said… Thank you for reading… and please be blessed 
-Nesh

On Judgement

Judgment
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” –GOD [[himself]]
Too many people ignore this very important quotation when skimming, or even reading the bible in depth for intense meaning… While some miss it unintentionally, others can quote it to you as clear as a crystal and still blatantly overlook its meaning…
Plainly put, what this phrase means (since so many seem to be fuzzy on it) is that the only person who should be doing the condemning, and the damning, and the judging is the person who has never EVER sinned. That includes sinful thoughts, sinful intentions, and certainly sinful actions. And because each of us has sinned, and we have all fallen short of HIS glory… that means none of us are adequately equipped to be pebble tossers. And yet we do it… daily…
People religiously take the bible out of context and use it for the advancement of their own selfish motives, when in reality none of us are in a better position than any other. And what is more, in our strive toward being more Christ-like, we tend to walk farther and farther away from the marks that he has set forth for us to follow. The bible, should most definitely studied... yes. However, studying in this sense is the same as it is in any other. It is personal and sacred. What makes sense to you likely won’t make sense to the next person because all of his/her experiences to date have been completely different than your own. And in light of that, the way that they perceive, connect to, or learn from the bible will be totally different than your way. Therefore, discussing your views is not the problem …and if it were, this blog and these thoughts would be completely irrelevant and as such nonexistent. However, most of us don’t just leave it there. Most of us take our interpretation and spread it around as will… and impose upon the beliefs or actions of others with it until they buckle down and agree to see it our way. But what gives us the right? Freedom of speech? Pursuit of life, liberty and justice? Free will?? Choose carefully but know that doing any of the above in the name of any of the aforementioned breaks one VERY cardinal rule… all of these things are fine as long as they don’t over-infringe upon the same rights and liberties awarded to others. And this is where it gets dicey.
Clearly, there are some things that the bible mandates that we never do… we are not to kill… we are not to steal… we are not to put any god above the most high… But even all of these things, we don’t acknowledge doing DAILY… HOURLY… BY THE MINUTE… not when it happens to be us anyway. No no no… it’s acceptable or passable as something else then. But as SOON as it is someone else, the buck stops and punishment is mandated without query. Why? Because what’s okay for us is NOT necessarily okay for them… WHY? Because they didn’t see it the way we saw it when we did it… Right? LAME!
All I am saying is that it is okay to have opinions; it is even okay to voice those opinions. But it is not okay to belittle the same opinions or thoughts or behaviors of someone else because they made a choice that we wouldn’t have. “It is more important to be kind to others than to be right”… and more importantly… as easy as it is to do, never forget the mercy and compassion you hoped and will continue to hope that others show you when your vision is hazy and your decision-making skills are not at their best. It happens to us all, so show a little compassion. Especially because it could always go the other way… it could always be you finding yourself in that position again.
What I find to be the funniest about this all [[not funny har har… more like funny interesting/ironic]] is that the one person or being who is sin free… the one who is equipped to toss pebbles, is NOT doing so and never has. Instead, he sent life to take it away and shed blood so that we could be spared for our petty and not so petty indiscretions. We always miss that too though during our strive toward being more Christ-like. We forget that we are CONSTANTLY being loved for ourselves and in spite of ourselves and that regardless of the sin and its magnitude… mercy is re-awarded every single morning and with every single changing day. That’s the massive point. That’s what we are expected to take away from it all … and yet we don’t…
But we need to try….

On Forgiveness...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I know I had something else in mind for my first blog (returning blog).... But after the morning that I have had... after the week that I've had... after the year that I've had... hmph
I woke up this morning and the quote listed was the quote of the day on my igoogle homepage... And it was right on time for me... So here we are... I still wanna write on Phenomenal Woman.... And I'm sure that I will at some point between finishing my exam tonight and deciding if I'm going out later or not...
Anyway.... forgiveness... Its a very difficult concept to fully master... and if any of you are like me at all [[unlikely lol but still]]... its an uphill battle everytime it begins... By that I mean that I always have to remind myself of the right thing to do, and why I am supposed to be the bigger, more mature person in the situation... And though I always aspire to do well of and unto others, being the mature one gets so old to me... And I'm not at a place yet where that's not true... I'm working to get there... I promise you I am... I would love to be at a place of self-actualization, which most in my profession would argue that the great Gandhi ((I'm a sucker for alliteration lol)) definitely reached... That place is supposed to be the ultimate sign of growth in the human condition where problems and conflict and self no longer matter as much as the greater good... There you not only have it all figured out, but you also are capable of employing this knowledge to real-life situations almost effortlessly...
I sometimes think that my boyfriend has reached that point in life, honestly... He just seems so GOOD at doing whats necessary with no questions asked... he sees things as either black or white, right or wrong, and he executes... I sooooo admire that about him... Because again, I'm not there yet.
Honestly, I find wisdom in that type of extreme distinction... It is almost like those with this heightened ability to 'rise above it' as I see it have gone through enough where they know they don't even want to be bothered with the headache of other options... They've seen these scenarios so many times that the right choice is second nature...
Someone like me, on the otherhand, who always gets around to doing the right thing and rising above it, often fights with herself more than anyone else. And I hate that... Because I definitely think that even in that fight, I am weakened as the quote says.
It is most definitely a mental warfare, all in my mind, and completely with myself. The other person, unless they know me well enough or care to investigate, wouldn't even know this inner war was going on...
The basics of forgiveness are clear but I will list them anyway and will not take for granted that everyone feels the same way on the topic that I do...
1.) Forgiveness is not for the other person...In fact it has nothing to do with them at all... It is completely and totally for and about you... The process does not even involve the other person in that they don't have to DO or SAY anything in order for you to begin forgiving
2.)A continuation of the previous point, the load carried by those who don't forgive only causes baggage and stress to you because you refuse to let it go... Forgiveness is a very selfish act in that it only relieves you of what you are carrying around... and that is why you do it for yourself and not for others... there is NOTHING worse than to be walking around mad at someone who isn't mad at all, or worse yet doesn't know that you are even upset at all... And it is especially beneficial [[in an extremely maniacal way]] when anger was the result the person wanted, and you give them just the opposite... you forgive...
3.)AND FINALLY ...Once you forgive, no one has asked you to forget... and in fact you'd be a fool to do so... However when you forgive you must truly let go... you do not continue to hold it against the person [[it being whatever the transgression was]] because in doing so you are continuing to harbor that unwanted baggage which only hurts you...Now that doesn't meant that you then have to be back in the same place with the person that you were in originally... That choice is totally yours and should not be based on anything other than your level of comfort... However if you decide to re-enter the situation with the understanding that things will go back to normal [[often the case for small fouls like a misunderstanding, a bruised ego, a stumped toe.... BUT NO JUDGEMENT if this is your choice following something much larger... just saying that there's nothing wrong with it... if it is your choice OWN IT... MAN UP ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON]]...if you decide to re-enter the situation know that by-gones must be by-gones and there is no room for old baggage in any relationship... so a large part of forgiving there is truly letting go...
This is also true of the inverse of that however... because even if you decide that things will not go back to normal or that you no longer want to deal with the situation or the person... you must still let it go to the point that it no longer receives entertainment amongst your thoughts and feelings and emotions... and that is what most people have an issue with... because if the wound cut deep enough to cause scarring... usually emotional scarring... the kind that only comes from people that we care about and are truly vested in... that pain resurfaces with every glimpse, every memory, every reminder of that person or situation... And though it is difficult, especially for those of us who are UN-self-actualized... it is the true nature of forgiveness....
Now my biggest issue that makes this all so difficult, is the other person... and that is what I think Gandhi meant by weakness... strength comes from rising... literally... it takes great strength to press past something... especially something so large and impacting.... But I cannot seem to get past other people... if I could I probably wouldnt be offended enough to need to forgive in the first place... But also if I could I most certainly would not be me... People are my THING... I don't like them too much... but i love them and care about them in ways that I should not... I extend myself even if it means bringing stress or strain upon myself in order to help them... and I both love and hate that about myself...because when I find myself burned, I really have no one to blame but myself...
But more than anything else, I just don't ever seem to understand how people don't consider others before they do things... Thats what so many of my issues with other people come down to... So much so that you would think that statement alone would be enough to teach me to stop getting so bent out of shape when I am wronged... or when someone does something that has the potential to piss me off... But it doesn't ... and I never see that... I just go straight for the anger and then the war on forgiveness begins... I think I have too much faith in these creatures... in YOU creatures.... in US creatures... because I always arrive bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to be proven wrong... its my stance even when I wanna be cynical and believe otherwise because I know better...
Anyway... I need to cut this vent session short because its almost time to get ready for work... but... Be ye not discouraged because weakness does not make you WEAK overall... it just means it is an area that needs work... we all have those...
I wonder what Gandhi's was... or if he even had them... But Lord knows that I do and this is clearly one of mine... Without weakness though, we would never know where or how to build our strengths... So I'll keep working on it.. and maybe one day I'll be there... I hope...
Thank you for letting me vent and be transparent... And even if you're judging me based on this... though I would hope that you're not... Know that I probably don't care what you think [[lol likely a lie... tell me what you think pls lol]]... but also that I 'm a work in progress and he's not finished with me yet... Gotta stop letting others get the best of me... Its not worthit ... and neither is anyone who would do so intentionally....
Nesh...OUT! :)

Welcome Back...

Wow... It has been a while...
I just took the liberty of re-reading some of the things that I have previously posted... and I must say that though I would never like to be known as a horn tooter... lol I am rather proud of my work thus far... And rather disappointed in myself for stopping at all...
I love writing... It is my etermal release and always has beem... But I also fear in reading what I've produced thus far that I may not be able to keep up with such ...perfection... Everything that I have written so far has been so true to me... To my style of thinking... though I somehow found a way to focus it all because my mind is a bit random at times [[admittedly]]... So I will do my best not to disappoint myself but also not to disappoint anyone else choosing to read these...


Anyway.. I have a couple of ideas for my returning blog...
I think I'll lay them out here and then pick up with whichever of these options speaks most closely to my state of mind at the moment...

1.) I heard a Dr. King quote the other day on 106th and Park [[OF ALL SHOWS lol]] that really inspired me... I already can tell that this will be one of the concepts I am forced to revisit as I am gonna search high and low for this quote before expounding upon it forreal... [[sn:please excuse me as I bounce back and forth between appropriate use and inappropriate use of the English language with my verbage and other word choices... but then again this is my random mind so excuse YOU! lol should you so happen to be that offended lol]]
Anyway... the quote spoke something along the lines of not saying that he spoke well or that he something else [[my lack of perfect recollection is embarrassing]]... but let it be known instead that he fed the hungry and helped those incapable of helping themselves... I am almost positive that I butchered that... But you get the gist of it I hope... Anyway I LOVED THAT! lol We'll come back to that one...

2.)Another thing currently on my mind is a huge problem affecting so many young women today... and it transcends race, and age really, and all other things that women don't have in common... its something that unfortunately binds us together as women... and i HATE it! Lack of self worth... or at least lack of understanding of what we are worth... [[i think this may be a winner, but also may be something that I have to start a fresh blog for.... stay TUNED!]] :)

3.)Relationships... plutonic and otherwise... So many of mine have changed over the past year and I'm still working through how I feel about it... Interesting #neshfact: There are some things that i care somuch about [[most of them that I should not]]and then there are some things that just dont matter to me at all... and which side of the line a person, or situation, or item falls upon generally depends on so much that it becomes difficult to guess.. lol [[meh *shrug*]]

4.)This economy... I could go on for days and days and some more days about this mess... smh

5.)Romantic relationships: smh lol If you know me... it has been forever since I have been in one... almost 3 years to be exact... so the fact that I have recently awakened to one [[lol no seriously where did this come from]]... in addition to the fact that I feel like I need to have my own column or something with all the advice I give on a daily basis... I know this topic will come up more often than not... Let me put a pin here first and say that I honestly don't know whyit is so hard for people to get over themselves and care about someone else every once in a while ... Too many people are too darn selfish but still want all of the benefits a relationship offers.... It will NEVER work this way... I don't care who you are... and chances are that if you are operating and THINKING it is working, you're WRONG! ... Most relationship values come down to respect on a mutual plain... and most people skipped that lesson in kidnergarten... smh poor souls... lol I tweeted yesterday [[@MyGirlNesh lol #shamelessplug.com]] that teaching an adult the fundamentals of a relationship is far more difficult than teaching a baby how to walk.. and I stand by this... The main reason being that the baby may have fears and may fall.. but the baby is still learning and doesn't quite recognize fear the way that adults do... The adult on the other hand has already experienced and inherited so much from these experiences and will hold these against every new situation they encounter... either until the aforementioned is disproved...or until it is proven true and they choose to walk away adding this to the ever-building list... and even in the first case, often times that drives the other person away anyway... Seems like a lost cause... And though I do not believe in lost causes... smh I can understand this from both perspectives... We have to start treating one another better.. But we have to start treating ourselves better FIRST...

lol Okay I think I've done enough rambling for one sitting... This is just a little announcement, if you will, that I'm back... It will be shaky at first because even though once I start I get on a roll... allowing myself to be so transparent is always a task for me so we shall see how this goes... Stick with me :)

First official blog of 2011 coming later on today...
Think I'll title it after my FAVORITE poem... "Pheonomenal Woman" or maybe it will be called "A Woman, PHEONOMENALLY!" lol we'll see... lol tune in ...
I'll holla :)

my way of coping with reality is focusing on wat is to come... when im there wats now will be no more. yesterday