Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Irrationality
I tend to think that most of my blogs are pretty self reflective. I do my best to make it clear that these are my thoughts and my views on a specific topic. I don't expect for others to agree, and often like it when my thoughts are challenged because I am always up for a sound logical debate. However, I think this one will be a bit more introspective than most.
I have always considered myself to be a somewhat rational person, almost to fault. And I see that in myself more now than ever because I am really taking the time to get to know myself and fall in and out of love with myself lately. It's the main reason I refuse to be in a relationship at present, and it is the main reason that I don't ever mind spending time alone or declining offers to go out and do things. I like finding new things that I love about myself. I also like recognizing things that I am not too keen on and finding ways to improve upon those things. And mostly I enjoy stumbling upon constants that don't seem to be going anywhere. I think I am finally at a place where I can appreciate them and use them for my advancement.
Anyway... I have never been a fan of irrationality. I don't like it when people behave in an uncontrollable manner and have no real sound reasoning for why they have done what they have done. It isn't that I don't think that everyone has irrational thoughts or behaviors, because they do... we do... all of us. But I don't like it when people let irrationality win. And I also think that my definition for psychosis is when this happens perpetually. With this too, though, comes the need to acknowledge that what is irrational to one person may not be irrational to the next. And therefore, societal norms regulate what is and isn't rational.
When it comes to me, though, I do not hold myself to the same standard that I hold others to. My standard is a bit higher and somewhat more intense. So when I have thoughts and feelings that are not rational to me... it usually causes me to behave in a different way.This is especially true when someone else is involved. Because I feel like my thoughts are irrational, I won't want to discuss them. I will just try to bury them or come up with some rational resolve to replace them with. But when that doesn't work, I will usually be somewhat passive aggressive toward the person because I'm not good when I can't vent my feelings on a certain topic....
So then the irrationality that I was trying to defeat in the first place wins because now it is influencing my behavior and I am blaming the person for something that I have not brought to their attention (which I also hate... btw)...
So... lol This blog is pointless in a way because I have found no resolve here. I refuse to bring up thoughts that I find to be irrational because that isn't fair... But if I don't talk about it... then I will behave a bit irrationally too... which also isn't fair.
I hate this about myself... smh.
Friday, September 14, 2012
On Courting
On Courting …
So the other day I was reading one of the blogs that I follow... The author of which happens to be an extremely talented young man that I have the pleasure of ACTUALLY knowing, as a person... And I stumbled upon a word... and somewhat dismissive definition (in my opinion)... C O U R T I N G... Anyone who knows me, and my innermost thoughts somewhat personally, also knows that this is a topic that is relatively near and dear to my heart. I have very specific views on it and have done quite a bit of research on its origin, definition, and inner workings through television, literature, and Disney movies... All of which will be made evident in the proceeding... lol But it sort of hit me that so many people don’t view this the way that I do... And that its evolution in general has morphed the word into exactly what the gentleman that I mentioned above sees it as... DATING!
Okay... so let’s get technical for a moment. When I saw the definition in the blog (which was later argued as a simple way of putting it... ←- “we don’t believe you, you need more people”)... I went straight to my dictionary app on my phone. There was no way that this was an accurate definition of the word. No way. So... according to Webster’s... Courting is “to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from.” And after copying and pasting the CORRECT definition of the word to the person who abused it... I thought to myself... ‘exactly!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating, hooking up, talking, all of those lovely things that young people are running around doing in both monogamous and polygamous fashions... However that is not to be confused with courting which is something that is a little more sacred and special.
Now in the olden days... And by olden I don’t quite mean pre-historic at which point I’m pretty sure men just married or shacked up with whichever woman they could carry at the moment... and I also don’t quite mean the years of Good Times and Amen... Although I’ll get to that in a minute too... I’m referring more to the civilized era of petticoats and white wigs... That is where I picture courting being born... Initially, the process of courting a woman first meant that you had to go through her father for permission. However, also during those times, status and wealth had a lot to do with who was publicly free to court whom... and so these things sometimes went a bit differently based on circumstance... But essentially the man would have to not only make it clear that he was fully capable of supporting the woman and making her his wife... but that he was respectful of her and intent upon proving so. Men would come to the living quarters of the woman and just sit.... for hours at a time... Perhaps play a game of chess or some other monotonous activity just to be in the presence of the woman... And in return, if the chick was digging him too, she would provide him with some sort of favor of hers... A breast-kerchief (as I like to call it lol) or a sentimental broche for him to remember her by in her absence. A slight favor that said that she, too, was interested in the courtship and that his work was not unnoted. Now, we can fast forward a bit to the “Good Times” era that i spoke of before because there are examples of courtship there too. Remember when Thelma was dating that guy... I can’t remember his name... But I distinctly recall him always having to sit in the living room with the rest of the family... Despite the fact that she was pretty much a grown woman. I’ve heard my parents tell similar stories of dates having to involve other family members. And this hits a little bit closer to home. Most guys were probably not looking at a woman and thinking of how much he wanted to respect her and appreciate her... But instead he probably endured everything that he knew would be required in order to get with her... in every sense of the word.
Though I love the idea of a man thinking a woman is worth all of these wonderful things and behaving a certain way as a reflection of his feelings for her... The more realistic possibility is that he is doing what it takes because it is what he wants... and has accepted that task... It’s more practical and equally as respectable. In all of these cases, though, the man would do the majority of the work to prove himself because he knew that in the end he was receiving a prize. And therefore, putting in work on the front end guaranteed him something of value on the back end. Therefore driving (or walking... or now metroing) to her house, putting up with her family, paying for movies and glass bottles of soda pop, buying food, buying concert tickets for a show that he never wanted to see just so it would make her happy... opening car doors, going without nookie... all of these things were the price he had to pay for a top quality chick. Sure he could go make out behind the bleachers with one of the fast chicks that would give it up in a second.... sure he could go over her house whenever he wanted to and have his way with her no questions asked... sure he probably didn’t have to wine or dine her at all... But at the same time,here, work was easily equated to worth [[see previous blogs for this phenomenon]]. And so if he wanted someone who he could marry and bring home to his mother... he was going to have to do what it took. Again, respectable...
So all of this, of course begs the question of how this translates to 21st century living, and what has changed!? My honest answer... Women and the value thereof... And I’m not talking about the socially imposed value of women, though this plays a role in it too. But I’m referring to the self-imposed value that we as women give ourselves. It is a direct reflection of the way that mothers AND ESPECIALLY fathers are raising their daughters (which I will get to in a minute), and then consequently what the women who grow are willing to accept themselves. And we have all been guilty of it. We have all required less than what we deserve. We have all cried over someone’s son who did not deserve our tears or our time, or our nookie for that matter. We have all given it away to someone who wasn’t worth the gum on the bottom of a 4 year-old’s shoe. We have all been the product of treatment less than our actual worth. But it has perpetuated beyond necessity and it honestly has to stop somewhere.
Here’s my thing... Women are in a different place now altogether. We are educated. We are able to vote. We may not get paid as well as men everywhere in every profession, but we are working our way there. We are strong. We are independent. Anything they can do, we can do better... Right??? eh... I’m not too sure. I love the song Miss Independent (the remix) because I couldn’t say it better myself... “There is nothing that’s more sexy, than a girl that wants but don’t need me...” So where does this leave men if we are truly capable of all of the above? And not only that but where does it leave dating and more importantly courting? Men don’t court women anymore. For some reason the right to be independent has also given us the right to be wild, lose, and unrespectable in so many eyes; including our own. One of my best friends believes in courting while the other doesn’t... something else I realized today while pondering this topic. But I think a compromise is in order, and I think it is in order FAST! TO ME, when a man honestly feels a certain way about a woman... the way that he should feel when he wants to spend his life, and create a life with her... he will do whatever it takes in order to win her favor. He will court her. And some of it will be by way of his natural inclination... but some of it will be because of the standards that she sets for herself. In order for him to give of himself though, there has to be something about her that still makes him feel like he is getting a prize in the end! And for that to happen, the woman has to know, herself, that she is a prize! The way that she requires for others to treat her should always be a direct reflection of the way that she treats herself! She sets the tone! She provides the example. Somewhere along the journey, we seem to have forgotten that. And on this quest to gain the “power” that we assume independence brings, we have lost some power as well. The sex thing... for instance... Yes.. Human beings are sexual beings... We are physically attractive and attracted to one another. But it is also important to remember what sex means to men. Women, we really are not built like them, nor should we be. Sorry... Now this is in no way meant to insinuate that we are incapable of sex without feelings or that double standards are fair... Neither is the point or the case. However, in order for us to understand our value we also have to understand the value of what is in between our legs and how much of ourselves we give away every time we have a new sexual partner. The female anatomy is something that has been fought for, fought over, sought after, chased, you name it... men have done it in order to get to it! So why not use it as leverage...!? They expect us to … Or at least they used to... And of course we are much more than just this. And we’d absolutely better be. But just as our brains are valuable and we never want to undermine how important they are... We should never undermine the power of the V either! After all, it is what separates us and it is the ultimate conquest.
So understanding that the V is important is part of it. But being MORE than just that is the other part. Having standards, being supportive, having goals, having ideas, intellect, taking pride in ourselves... these are just a few of the things that make us great and make us worth protecting and worth caring for and providing for... Worth opening the car door for and remembering to put the toilet seat down. We are all of those things, and therein lies the prize. But we have to know it...especially if we want them to know it.
Now back to courting. To me, courting is more than just the behaviors that a man partakes in when interested in a woman... It is the intent behind it. It is the consistency. It is the genuineness and honesty. I cannot stand it when a man puts tons of effort into a woman that he’s actually treating badly or cheating on... Or worse, when a man puts in work then reverses his behaviors once he gets what he was after. But again, in that case... that man probably was not courting... he was acting with a desired outcome.... Anyway, a man in courting is one with a mission...with a purpose. His approach will be different because his outlook is different. Here, this is why I don’t just mean causal or even serious dating... This man feels he has met his match, his equal...his rib... I don’t mean to say that if a man doesn’t feel this strongly about the chick he is seeing he should stop reading. But I am being very intentional about my language... Because courting is something that a man does when he is hoping to show a woman that he is worth marrying and furthermore worth her hand in marriage... which to him is a prize... A man in courting is not a perfect man. Furthermore, courting is not synonymous with chivalry... Although a man in courting is probably a chivalrous man... He is intentional about getting to know her... He is clear about his intentions (even if he is subtle about it)... He is attentive to her needs, her shifts in mood, her differences in opinion... and he is concerned about her opinions of him. This does not mean that he changes who he is completely. However, if she has a problem with his behavior, he will at the very least begin to examine those behaviors and compare them to her definition of a mate... and at most, he will change them completely if that means keeping her around. If he is still a bit immature, as many PEOPLE are, he may lie in the beginning when he’s afraid of displeasing her and then realize that there is no reason to lie to the person who should eventually know you better than anyone else. My point is... he will make mistakes. But he will learn from them. He will want to make her happy because his happiness is tied to hers.
So, courting in these times... What does that look like? Well, first of all, a woman has to be woman enough to understand that deserving protection and provision in no way makes her weak. It does not take away from any of her accomplishments or her independents. But it shows that she is a prize. The same way that men polish, protect, honor and obey their vehicles (regardless of how raggedy or glamorous) is the same way he should want to protect his woman... his wife. But I’m not going to get into the metaphor of boys and their toys because it's not as essential to the point. If he values it, he will protect it. And you want to be valued ladies... TRUST ME! Now... I do not think that women are therefore incapable of providing things to the equation as well. However, there has to be balance. A man has to feel like a man. A man has to know that he is the deciding force in his home, and we have to make them feel this way. I’m still torn on my thoughts about meeting half-way because I am very in love with my old school conservative views and I own that. But I do think that women can partake in the effort within reason. You can drive to him sometimes, but that does not negate his obligation to put in effort. You can plan a date sometimes, and pay for it... But on occasion... And if that seems selfish, I apologize. But I think that to a certain extent, money means more to men than it does to women and there are other areas of the relationship for which the female expertise should be utilized. That also means, though, that women have to get out of the mentality that men will always be white knights riding in on white Lambos.... because that isn’t realistic or fair. I’m not saying that the man should have to front all of the effort... But I am saying that his effort should match his interest and how serious he is and a woman will not be able to gauge that at all if she is always offering to do all of the work because she’s too independent to be cared for. Yes you have a car... but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pick you up and take you out on dates. Yes you can pay for your own dinner but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD make it clear to you that not only is he positioned to take care of you... but that he genuinely wants to and is happy to do so because you are a prize. I could also go in depth about ways to show him that he is a prize...which if he is...and he has proven himself SPECIFICALLY THROUGH COURTSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY THROUGH MARRIAGE... you should make it clear to him that he is valued and valuable... But I will leave that portion for another blog on another day because this one is all about courtship...
Now.. Gentlemen have their roles cut out for them. But I do not think that those roles are as clear as they should be. Part of that is our fault as women. But part of it is really just the age-old story of research to practice! I read something the other day that COMPLETELY left me baffled by how true it was... and that almost never happens... It basically said that men should treat women the way they would want their daughters, sisters, and mothers to be treated... and yet many do not! [[GAAAAAAAAASP!!!!]] Now, in an effort not to get too deep with the finger pointing here... I will simply provide the thoughts I had on the topic today in a very generalized way. The relationship between a father and his daughter... At least the way that that relationship should go: When your daughter is born...she is the apple of your eye. You love, cherish, and protect her. You clean her up, you coddle her, you are proud that you were able to create something so perfect. And you vow from that point forward that as her father, as long as you live, there will never be a want that she has that goes unsatisfied! She will never go without. She will never know pain, or fear, or loneliness, or lack hope. Why? Because Daddy will see to it that all of her needs, wants and desires are met. And if any person, male or female DARES to disrespect her... PCHFT! ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY... Because otherwise, he would feel your wrath. As she grows, you are careful with her feelings and with her heart. You make sure she is fed on time. You see to it that the safety provisions of her car seat are secure. You even check the car she’ll be riding in, TWICE! So much care and maintenance goes into this relationship! As it should. You are also setting an example for her of what a man should always do if he ever wants to even think of looking in her direction... ONLY THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY! ←-------
[[INSERT BLARING OBNOXIOUS LIGHTS]] THAT!!!!!!!! Ladies and gents, is what a man in courtship looks like. Clearly, the devotion and feelings are a bit different for the woman he is dating and/or courting. But the behaviors are the same, and the reasoning is the same too. She is the prize that he is tasked with protecting and maintaining. It’s much more than dating. It’s far more involved. And it should be. The stakes are higher, the prizes-rewards-and benefits are better, and the disdain for failure is thicker. That’s my point! So women, do a better job of being a prize worth protecting... ESPECIALLY SO before you send another tweet about being taken on a $200 date! Get yourself together so that when someone worth your time comes along, you can recognize him.... One because he’s not doing anything you don’t already do for yourself and therefore you can see him more clearly... But TWO because he’s doing it from a very genuine place and could be exactly what you DESERVE... And men, think more clearly about what you want in life, and what you need... and the type of person you’d like to share all of that with. And when you find her... treat her as such, as she could be exactly what you need and what YOU deserve.
So the other day I was reading one of the blogs that I follow... The author of which happens to be an extremely talented young man that I have the pleasure of ACTUALLY knowing, as a person... And I stumbled upon a word... and somewhat dismissive definition (in my opinion)... C O U R T I N G... Anyone who knows me, and my innermost thoughts somewhat personally, also knows that this is a topic that is relatively near and dear to my heart. I have very specific views on it and have done quite a bit of research on its origin, definition, and inner workings through television, literature, and Disney movies... All of which will be made evident in the proceeding... lol But it sort of hit me that so many people don’t view this the way that I do... And that its evolution in general has morphed the word into exactly what the gentleman that I mentioned above sees it as... DATING!
Okay... so let’s get technical for a moment. When I saw the definition in the blog (which was later argued as a simple way of putting it... ←- “we don’t believe you, you need more people”)... I went straight to my dictionary app on my phone. There was no way that this was an accurate definition of the word. No way. So... according to Webster’s... Courting is “to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from.” And after copying and pasting the CORRECT definition of the word to the person who abused it... I thought to myself... ‘exactly!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating, hooking up, talking, all of those lovely things that young people are running around doing in both monogamous and polygamous fashions... However that is not to be confused with courting which is something that is a little more sacred and special.
Now in the olden days... And by olden I don’t quite mean pre-historic at which point I’m pretty sure men just married or shacked up with whichever woman they could carry at the moment... and I also don’t quite mean the years of Good Times and Amen... Although I’ll get to that in a minute too... I’m referring more to the civilized era of petticoats and white wigs... That is where I picture courting being born... Initially, the process of courting a woman first meant that you had to go through her father for permission. However, also during those times, status and wealth had a lot to do with who was publicly free to court whom... and so these things sometimes went a bit differently based on circumstance... But essentially the man would have to not only make it clear that he was fully capable of supporting the woman and making her his wife... but that he was respectful of her and intent upon proving so. Men would come to the living quarters of the woman and just sit.... for hours at a time... Perhaps play a game of chess or some other monotonous activity just to be in the presence of the woman... And in return, if the chick was digging him too, she would provide him with some sort of favor of hers... A breast-kerchief (as I like to call it lol) or a sentimental broche for him to remember her by in her absence. A slight favor that said that she, too, was interested in the courtship and that his work was not unnoted. Now, we can fast forward a bit to the “Good Times” era that i spoke of before because there are examples of courtship there too. Remember when Thelma was dating that guy... I can’t remember his name... But I distinctly recall him always having to sit in the living room with the rest of the family... Despite the fact that she was pretty much a grown woman. I’ve heard my parents tell similar stories of dates having to involve other family members. And this hits a little bit closer to home. Most guys were probably not looking at a woman and thinking of how much he wanted to respect her and appreciate her... But instead he probably endured everything that he knew would be required in order to get with her... in every sense of the word.
Though I love the idea of a man thinking a woman is worth all of these wonderful things and behaving a certain way as a reflection of his feelings for her... The more realistic possibility is that he is doing what it takes because it is what he wants... and has accepted that task... It’s more practical and equally as respectable. In all of these cases, though, the man would do the majority of the work to prove himself because he knew that in the end he was receiving a prize. And therefore, putting in work on the front end guaranteed him something of value on the back end. Therefore driving (or walking... or now metroing) to her house, putting up with her family, paying for movies and glass bottles of soda pop, buying food, buying concert tickets for a show that he never wanted to see just so it would make her happy... opening car doors, going without nookie... all of these things were the price he had to pay for a top quality chick. Sure he could go make out behind the bleachers with one of the fast chicks that would give it up in a second.... sure he could go over her house whenever he wanted to and have his way with her no questions asked... sure he probably didn’t have to wine or dine her at all... But at the same time,here, work was easily equated to worth [[see previous blogs for this phenomenon]]. And so if he wanted someone who he could marry and bring home to his mother... he was going to have to do what it took. Again, respectable...
So all of this, of course begs the question of how this translates to 21st century living, and what has changed!? My honest answer... Women and the value thereof... And I’m not talking about the socially imposed value of women, though this plays a role in it too. But I’m referring to the self-imposed value that we as women give ourselves. It is a direct reflection of the way that mothers AND ESPECIALLY fathers are raising their daughters (which I will get to in a minute), and then consequently what the women who grow are willing to accept themselves. And we have all been guilty of it. We have all required less than what we deserve. We have all cried over someone’s son who did not deserve our tears or our time, or our nookie for that matter. We have all given it away to someone who wasn’t worth the gum on the bottom of a 4 year-old’s shoe. We have all been the product of treatment less than our actual worth. But it has perpetuated beyond necessity and it honestly has to stop somewhere.
Here’s my thing... Women are in a different place now altogether. We are educated. We are able to vote. We may not get paid as well as men everywhere in every profession, but we are working our way there. We are strong. We are independent. Anything they can do, we can do better... Right??? eh... I’m not too sure. I love the song Miss Independent (the remix) because I couldn’t say it better myself... “There is nothing that’s more sexy, than a girl that wants but don’t need me...” So where does this leave men if we are truly capable of all of the above? And not only that but where does it leave dating and more importantly courting? Men don’t court women anymore. For some reason the right to be independent has also given us the right to be wild, lose, and unrespectable in so many eyes; including our own. One of my best friends believes in courting while the other doesn’t... something else I realized today while pondering this topic. But I think a compromise is in order, and I think it is in order FAST! TO ME, when a man honestly feels a certain way about a woman... the way that he should feel when he wants to spend his life, and create a life with her... he will do whatever it takes in order to win her favor. He will court her. And some of it will be by way of his natural inclination... but some of it will be because of the standards that she sets for herself. In order for him to give of himself though, there has to be something about her that still makes him feel like he is getting a prize in the end! And for that to happen, the woman has to know, herself, that she is a prize! The way that she requires for others to treat her should always be a direct reflection of the way that she treats herself! She sets the tone! She provides the example. Somewhere along the journey, we seem to have forgotten that. And on this quest to gain the “power” that we assume independence brings, we have lost some power as well. The sex thing... for instance... Yes.. Human beings are sexual beings... We are physically attractive and attracted to one another. But it is also important to remember what sex means to men. Women, we really are not built like them, nor should we be. Sorry... Now this is in no way meant to insinuate that we are incapable of sex without feelings or that double standards are fair... Neither is the point or the case. However, in order for us to understand our value we also have to understand the value of what is in between our legs and how much of ourselves we give away every time we have a new sexual partner. The female anatomy is something that has been fought for, fought over, sought after, chased, you name it... men have done it in order to get to it! So why not use it as leverage...!? They expect us to … Or at least they used to... And of course we are much more than just this. And we’d absolutely better be. But just as our brains are valuable and we never want to undermine how important they are... We should never undermine the power of the V either! After all, it is what separates us and it is the ultimate conquest.
So understanding that the V is important is part of it. But being MORE than just that is the other part. Having standards, being supportive, having goals, having ideas, intellect, taking pride in ourselves... these are just a few of the things that make us great and make us worth protecting and worth caring for and providing for... Worth opening the car door for and remembering to put the toilet seat down. We are all of those things, and therein lies the prize. But we have to know it...especially if we want them to know it.
Now back to courting. To me, courting is more than just the behaviors that a man partakes in when interested in a woman... It is the intent behind it. It is the consistency. It is the genuineness and honesty. I cannot stand it when a man puts tons of effort into a woman that he’s actually treating badly or cheating on... Or worse, when a man puts in work then reverses his behaviors once he gets what he was after. But again, in that case... that man probably was not courting... he was acting with a desired outcome.... Anyway, a man in courting is one with a mission...with a purpose. His approach will be different because his outlook is different. Here, this is why I don’t just mean causal or even serious dating... This man feels he has met his match, his equal...his rib... I don’t mean to say that if a man doesn’t feel this strongly about the chick he is seeing he should stop reading. But I am being very intentional about my language... Because courting is something that a man does when he is hoping to show a woman that he is worth marrying and furthermore worth her hand in marriage... which to him is a prize... A man in courting is not a perfect man. Furthermore, courting is not synonymous with chivalry... Although a man in courting is probably a chivalrous man... He is intentional about getting to know her... He is clear about his intentions (even if he is subtle about it)... He is attentive to her needs, her shifts in mood, her differences in opinion... and he is concerned about her opinions of him. This does not mean that he changes who he is completely. However, if she has a problem with his behavior, he will at the very least begin to examine those behaviors and compare them to her definition of a mate... and at most, he will change them completely if that means keeping her around. If he is still a bit immature, as many PEOPLE are, he may lie in the beginning when he’s afraid of displeasing her and then realize that there is no reason to lie to the person who should eventually know you better than anyone else. My point is... he will make mistakes. But he will learn from them. He will want to make her happy because his happiness is tied to hers.
So, courting in these times... What does that look like? Well, first of all, a woman has to be woman enough to understand that deserving protection and provision in no way makes her weak. It does not take away from any of her accomplishments or her independents. But it shows that she is a prize. The same way that men polish, protect, honor and obey their vehicles (regardless of how raggedy or glamorous) is the same way he should want to protect his woman... his wife. But I’m not going to get into the metaphor of boys and their toys because it's not as essential to the point. If he values it, he will protect it. And you want to be valued ladies... TRUST ME! Now... I do not think that women are therefore incapable of providing things to the equation as well. However, there has to be balance. A man has to feel like a man. A man has to know that he is the deciding force in his home, and we have to make them feel this way. I’m still torn on my thoughts about meeting half-way because I am very in love with my old school conservative views and I own that. But I do think that women can partake in the effort within reason. You can drive to him sometimes, but that does not negate his obligation to put in effort. You can plan a date sometimes, and pay for it... But on occasion... And if that seems selfish, I apologize. But I think that to a certain extent, money means more to men than it does to women and there are other areas of the relationship for which the female expertise should be utilized. That also means, though, that women have to get out of the mentality that men will always be white knights riding in on white Lambos.... because that isn’t realistic or fair. I’m not saying that the man should have to front all of the effort... But I am saying that his effort should match his interest and how serious he is and a woman will not be able to gauge that at all if she is always offering to do all of the work because she’s too independent to be cared for. Yes you have a car... but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pick you up and take you out on dates. Yes you can pay for your own dinner but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD make it clear to you that not only is he positioned to take care of you... but that he genuinely wants to and is happy to do so because you are a prize. I could also go in depth about ways to show him that he is a prize...which if he is...and he has proven himself SPECIFICALLY THROUGH COURTSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY THROUGH MARRIAGE... you should make it clear to him that he is valued and valuable... But I will leave that portion for another blog on another day because this one is all about courtship...
Now.. Gentlemen have their roles cut out for them. But I do not think that those roles are as clear as they should be. Part of that is our fault as women. But part of it is really just the age-old story of research to practice! I read something the other day that COMPLETELY left me baffled by how true it was... and that almost never happens... It basically said that men should treat women the way they would want their daughters, sisters, and mothers to be treated... and yet many do not! [[GAAAAAAAAASP!!!!]] Now, in an effort not to get too deep with the finger pointing here... I will simply provide the thoughts I had on the topic today in a very generalized way. The relationship between a father and his daughter... At least the way that that relationship should go: When your daughter is born...she is the apple of your eye. You love, cherish, and protect her. You clean her up, you coddle her, you are proud that you were able to create something so perfect. And you vow from that point forward that as her father, as long as you live, there will never be a want that she has that goes unsatisfied! She will never go without. She will never know pain, or fear, or loneliness, or lack hope. Why? Because Daddy will see to it that all of her needs, wants and desires are met. And if any person, male or female DARES to disrespect her... PCHFT! ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY... Because otherwise, he would feel your wrath. As she grows, you are careful with her feelings and with her heart. You make sure she is fed on time. You see to it that the safety provisions of her car seat are secure. You even check the car she’ll be riding in, TWICE! So much care and maintenance goes into this relationship! As it should. You are also setting an example for her of what a man should always do if he ever wants to even think of looking in her direction... ONLY THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY! ←-------
[[INSERT BLARING OBNOXIOUS LIGHTS]] THAT!!!!!!!! Ladies and gents, is what a man in courtship looks like. Clearly, the devotion and feelings are a bit different for the woman he is dating and/or courting. But the behaviors are the same, and the reasoning is the same too. She is the prize that he is tasked with protecting and maintaining. It’s much more than dating. It’s far more involved. And it should be. The stakes are higher, the prizes-rewards-and benefits are better, and the disdain for failure is thicker. That’s my point! So women, do a better job of being a prize worth protecting... ESPECIALLY SO before you send another tweet about being taken on a $200 date! Get yourself together so that when someone worth your time comes along, you can recognize him.... One because he’s not doing anything you don’t already do for yourself and therefore you can see him more clearly... But TWO because he’s doing it from a very genuine place and could be exactly what you DESERVE... And men, think more clearly about what you want in life, and what you need... and the type of person you’d like to share all of that with. And when you find her... treat her as such, as she could be exactly what you need and what YOU deserve.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
17...oops 18 19 Things I have Learned about Me...
In my journey to become me, I have been learning a great deal about myself. I learn just as much from the let downs and frustrations as I do from the happy surprises and high points. Here are a few of the things that I have learned thus far...
1. I am a giver... first, foremost, and to the core: I realized recently through a conversation with a new friend, that I have always been groomed to take care of others. IT is my gift and my curse. A gift to others and a curse to me. I put others first and would give my mortal enemy the shirt off of my back if it meant his/her survival. Sometimes I wish that weren't true of me... But it is. There are those who seek to take advantage of that attribute in me, and despite that knowledge, there is nothing I would change about that quality...
2. I appreciate reciprocity for reciprocity's sake... People who believe in doing unto others as they would have them do rock my socks... It is a key principle to me... Though it doesn't always pan out the way it should... But I truly appreciate people who approach life, friendships, relationships, all situations with this mindset...
3. I appreciate people who do things because they need to be done... especially men: My dad is not an assertive person, by nature... And he has also been criticized (mostly by my mom) for his spirit of procrastination... He has great ideas but will sit on them... However, he is also the type of person who if something needs to be done... He will do it no questions asked. You won't even know that it was necessary sometimes. In these instances, I am referring more to manly things like fixing the AC in my car or changing the light bulb in my room (as I cannot reach them). But that is truly how he is. I realize I need a husband like this... And I value people who approach life with this mindset. I am like this, actually, the more I think about it. If something needs to be done, I am far more likely to be off doing it while other people are discussing having it done. And I think, in many ways, I get this from my dad and my mom. My mom would have a fit if she ever saw this because she'd want all of the credit. But my dad is that way too. I'm a mover and shaker. I'd much rather be acting than discussing. And if I'm discussing, it is usually only related to the necessity of the doing... My friends know this about me. I may not be the person making the decision all of the time (I LOATHE MAKING DECISIONS REGARDING LEISURELY THINGS... I think I'm sometimes difficult in my attempts to remain low maintenance lol) ... But I will NOT be happy for long if we are just standing around discussing the action.. LETS JUST DO IT!
4. People will always find a way to do the things they want to do... If things don't get done, it's because the person WOULDN'T... not because he or she COULDN'T: I have experienced people getting mad with my views on this... But it is very difficult for me to feel differently... I realize that cannot is a word that I don't use often... It has to be a physical impossibility for me to actually use the word... Furthermore, I truly can will myself to do pretty much anything... I am truly tat stubborn and it works both ways (for the good and the bad of a situation). So when people tell me they cannot do something... I automatically translate that into they will not because they have decided to do something else OR that something else was more important...which is PERFECTLY fine... It does not really change the way I view the person until they start to make excuses for what they have decided to do... I am a very no-excuse necessary type of person. If you are giving me an explanation so that I have context for the situation...that's fine... But if that is then not followed up with action of some sort... it is an excuse... Nothing more nothing less... And even still, I'm not unforgiving when that turns out to be the case...It is just not the way that I live and operate/function. Different strokes. But ultimately, people will always make time, will, and way to do what they want. And that will have no bearing on what someone else has done or is doing. If I want to buy you a birthday gift, for instance... It ill not matter that you have not gotten me a gift in years...or that you were rude to me the day that I went to the store to buy it...or that my check was short and therefore I did not have enough funds to do it... In all of those situations I would adapt... In the case of the shortened check, that may come with an explanation ... and I'd just get the gift when my funds resumed. But My response would never be that I COULDN'T get you a gift...It'd be that I did not because of whatever, and yet will when my situation changes...because it is something that I WANT to do... If you're rude to me or don't ever get me gifts, and that deters me from getting you something... My reasoning is flawed. I do not WANT to get you a gift, I either feel obligated...or think it would be nice with certain contingencies set in play... but it is completely conditional... and therefore was not a true desire of mine... That is just the way I see it. People do not let others get in the way of what they truly want to do. There are obvious limitations to this... but even those have reasoning as well... [[shrug]]
5.Balance is the key to everything : This is my golden rule. And it is very important to me. I think more than any other situation in my life, my last relationship taught me a huge lesson about balance... and about my own stubbornness... But specifically about balance. It didn't end because I didn't love him enough or because he didn't love me... I did... and I can't speak for him... But I thought he did... It ended, in my opinion, because there was no balance. Everything was so extreme all of the time. His crazy ignited my anger. My anger ignited his crazy. When he was in crazy mode, nothing I could do or say could calm him down. When I was in angry mode, there was nothing he could do or say to bring me out of it. We sparked the wrong things in one another with no buffer to even things out. And we paid for it... drastically. We went as far as two people could go, farther in fact... before it became clear that we were destructive together. He hurt me... pretty badly to be honest... But I'm no longer angry about it... I am now pretty indifferent (see lesson #7 below lol)...But ultimately we were broken before we started which made the damage done that more irreparable... There was no balance. I think that in all relationships, regardless of nature, balance is one of the most important attributes a relationship can possess... It is what allows the good to outweigh the bad... It is what keeps things moving in an onward fashion...It is literally the equation for growth versus loss... But in a non-mathematical way... balance is what forges the growth and prosperity of a union... And a relationship will not survive without it...nor will a lifestyle, company, occupation, conversation... nothing in life (physical or otherwise) can survive without equilibrium... And it is something that I find to be so precious... It is logic that balances out emotion, fear, rage, recklessness... It is love that balances out anger, hurt, pain, disdain... Its not to say that none of he bad exists and there will only always be good... But the work and beauty is in finding and maintaining that balance...Similarly, I need my friendships and extracurricular outlets to balance out my school and work lives... One will not work without the other... I'd cease to exist otherwise (that may be a bit dramatic but it is true in many ways...) So important to me in so many different facets of my life.
6. Who we are is a culmination of the person we are when no one is watching, and the person we are when everyone is watching: For some people, these two are one in the same... And for some the two are completely different... There are some who believe that it is only who you are when others aren't paying attention that truly matters. But I don't think that to be entirely true. I think each says something unique about you. But we are all struggling with something... and I don't know anyone who is always at their proudest of moments... However my personal goal is to have those two people be as in sync as possible. And most of the time, I'm successful. If a person is really rude to people when the cameras are rolling, but secretly spends free-time running and serving the line of a local soup kitchen... which person are they? They are both... and there is probably a story behind their behavior in each instance.
7. A person has to truly hurt me to the core in order to render me completely indifferent toward them... This is more true than I care to admit. I am a very upbeat person by nature... I love everyone... I try to see the good in everyone... I don't treat everyone the same... I am all for individual treatment in individual relationships... And I will let a person hurt me more than once before I am done... Really... I have allowed people to hurt me repeatedly because I am also pretty huge on forgiveness... And I think forgiveness is more for you than it is the other person anyway... However I realize that the people I am closest to have the greatest potential to hurt me... Which is why I behave the way that I do when it happens...I detach completely. I refuse to give or receive explanations. I shut all the way down. I close myself off. I am neither rude or friendly... I am polite. Cut and dry... But I'm not my usual sarcastic, joking, passionate self. All roads to that version of me are demolished in an attempt to stop the pain... And I'm usually very successful... There are also very clear signs for when that version of me is on the horizon, as I have noticed... I usually stop confiding... I stop sharing... I stop being interactive and engaging... I check out emotionally... And I'm usually unaware that it's coming. I have noticed that in situations that are not meant for me or that mean me harm...very drastic things happen in order to separate me from the individual or situation. I attribute this to the fact that I truly do not know when enough has proven itself to be enough. And so I think God usually uses this method to let me know that it is time to go. I won't listen otherwise. So when my feelings completely shut off.. I know that it is meant to be that way. But it usually takes a lot to get me to that point... and once I'm there... It always seems to be the most insignificant detail that pushed me to the ledge... Sort of like the lone piece of straw breaking the camel's back. This has only happened to me a total of 4 times in my life. But it is usually extremely distinctive every single time.
8. Life is too short to be unhappy for any period of time... and for anyone EVER... I think this is pretty self explanatory. But it is a hard lesson for me every time I learn it. I will sacrifice my own happiness for the good of others. But I'm getting better with choosing me... And choosing people who truly have my best interest at heart to surround me... I am a work in progress...Usually my friends have to remind me that I'm not adhering to this principle... or that I'm putting everyone but me first. And that is why my prayer has recently become for God to just bless me with someone who understands that I am a self sacrificer. and will not allow me to do it... all of the time lol
9. Integrity is a situational accomplice: This has changed for me. I always thought that integrity was an attribute that defines us. Either we have it or we don't. But in reality... it is completely situational. We exercise it in some instances and not at all in others. And it is more subjective than we care to acknowledge. Additionally, sometimes it wins us favor with others and sometimes, often times, quite the opposite.
10. The truth is completely relative and is always up for interpretation... Even when it isn't: There is a scene in the movie Couple's Retreat...where Vince Vaugn's character is trying to explain how dramatic the shark bite was for him to his wife and his therapist. When neither of them agreed, he replied "I know my truth". lol That part makes me laugh hysterically every time I hear it. But the truth really is another one of those things that people fight over as an absolute. Only it isn't an absolute. It is relative. It is subjective. It is based solely on perception. Everyone has their truth. But the truth is not he exact opposite of a lie. A lie is the intentional distortion of the truth by way of omission or addition of fabricated details. The truth is something that is based on the vantage point of the teller. So for everyone who is on this intense search for the truth (which sometimes I must admit that I am), do so knowing that what you find will be the collaboration of several truths...or at least it should be. And sometimes, even the truth is a lie (shout out to day 26... I love you mans!) But in all seriousness... That is a serious lesson to learn. And it is important to understand the difference between the absolute truth (which is really just a Utopian theory), a person's truth, and a lie...
11. A little effort truly does go a long way... with me anyway: The most meaningful experiences that I have ever had in my life (good and bad) have been the result of a person;s intention and/or effort...and not the behavior/gift/event itself. If a person asks me on a date... I am much more likely to be impressed with the time it took him to select a place while taking my likes and dislikes into account... or the effort it took for him to set up the scene or decide on the right place and the right atmosphere... than I am on how fancy the place is. I would much rather attend a well-suited hole in the wall that serves my favorite cuisine and leaves room for good conversation than I would a really fancy dinner that cost the person tons of money but minimal effort... It is how I am about everything. Specifically because it is the way I treat others. When I buy gifts, it is a strenuous process of selections and eliminations, individualizations, effort. I don't just go to a site and say, "hmmm I think she'll like these... *click* *click* *click*" That's not my style because people mean more to me than that. Even if it involves something that I dislike or am not a fan of spending time on... If I have made up my mind to do it... (see lesson #4 above)...then that's what it is and it means that I will put the effort into making it as thoughtful as possible. And I appreciate the same in return. Especially when it is unexpected.
12. I am happiest when the people who matter most to me are happy: Self explanatory and really true of me. Very few things in this life make me happier. (Good books, witty television situational comedies or drams, soulful music, and lazy Sunday mornings all come a close second to this!)
13. Support means more to me than I ever realized: I foolishly believed that support meant little to me before recently... But I also note that when I don't have it from the people who matter most to me... Things in my life seem completely off center... It hurts me...and I usually find ways to make not having it okay... But even having to make those types of adjustment shows that I am influenced buy its absence... It is also something that means a lot to me in genuineness... If you care about me...and therefore the things that matter to me automatically matter to you...It says a world about the depth of your concern. It draws the lines as appropriate in my life... As it should, I suppose.
14. My day is not the same if I don't pray in the morning, take my morning run, and dance in my mirror to an upbeat song before I leave the house... Another one that is self explanatory... If I don't do any of these things... My day is super off... And on days when I am fortunate enough to complete all three....! WHOOT! =) Try it... It changes things
15. I love people, but I don't usually like them very much: I am an Aquarius...and this is true for most that I know. I don't think the Zodiac has it ALL figured out...but I am honestly a champion of human rights and appropriate treatment for the same people who irritate me to no end... lol I giggle every time I realize how true this is for me.
16. I am a huge fan of self-assessment : I did a whole blog on this so I won't reiterate inappropriately. But I can only do what works for me. I check myself OFTEN. Mainly out of fear of hypocrisy but also just because I feel like it's the correct thing to do. I do not like it when people are more of an expert on me than me... It is honestly unacceptable, for me...
17. Everyone is a work in progress... including me. I often forget that it is okay for me to make mistakes and fall off track sometimes. I am always willing to accept it of others, but am less accepting or understanding of it when it comes to myself. I'm working on it though.
18. I truly do believe that the children are our future... I have devoted my life's work to this concept...and I believe our children...our future deserves better from us. We have to lead them in the right direction, nourish their growth with wisdom, truth, and honesty... For without them... we are surely lost. I hate it when people criticize the problem while doing NOTHING to foster a solution... And that is what I see so many people doing with these growing generations... But in this instance...there is a very clear line drawn between doing that and the persistence of the problem...
19. I am sometimes complicated in my simplicity... And I own that... :)
1. I am a giver... first, foremost, and to the core: I realized recently through a conversation with a new friend, that I have always been groomed to take care of others. IT is my gift and my curse. A gift to others and a curse to me. I put others first and would give my mortal enemy the shirt off of my back if it meant his/her survival. Sometimes I wish that weren't true of me... But it is. There are those who seek to take advantage of that attribute in me, and despite that knowledge, there is nothing I would change about that quality...
2. I appreciate reciprocity for reciprocity's sake... People who believe in doing unto others as they would have them do rock my socks... It is a key principle to me... Though it doesn't always pan out the way it should... But I truly appreciate people who approach life, friendships, relationships, all situations with this mindset...
3. I appreciate people who do things because they need to be done... especially men: My dad is not an assertive person, by nature... And he has also been criticized (mostly by my mom) for his spirit of procrastination... He has great ideas but will sit on them... However, he is also the type of person who if something needs to be done... He will do it no questions asked. You won't even know that it was necessary sometimes. In these instances, I am referring more to manly things like fixing the AC in my car or changing the light bulb in my room (as I cannot reach them). But that is truly how he is. I realize I need a husband like this... And I value people who approach life with this mindset. I am like this, actually, the more I think about it. If something needs to be done, I am far more likely to be off doing it while other people are discussing having it done. And I think, in many ways, I get this from my dad and my mom. My mom would have a fit if she ever saw this because she'd want all of the credit. But my dad is that way too. I'm a mover and shaker. I'd much rather be acting than discussing. And if I'm discussing, it is usually only related to the necessity of the doing... My friends know this about me. I may not be the person making the decision all of the time (I LOATHE MAKING DECISIONS REGARDING LEISURELY THINGS... I think I'm sometimes difficult in my attempts to remain low maintenance lol) ... But I will NOT be happy for long if we are just standing around discussing the action.. LETS JUST DO IT!
4. People will always find a way to do the things they want to do... If things don't get done, it's because the person WOULDN'T... not because he or she COULDN'T: I have experienced people getting mad with my views on this... But it is very difficult for me to feel differently... I realize that cannot is a word that I don't use often... It has to be a physical impossibility for me to actually use the word... Furthermore, I truly can will myself to do pretty much anything... I am truly tat stubborn and it works both ways (for the good and the bad of a situation). So when people tell me they cannot do something... I automatically translate that into they will not because they have decided to do something else OR that something else was more important...which is PERFECTLY fine... It does not really change the way I view the person until they start to make excuses for what they have decided to do... I am a very no-excuse necessary type of person. If you are giving me an explanation so that I have context for the situation...that's fine... But if that is then not followed up with action of some sort... it is an excuse... Nothing more nothing less... And even still, I'm not unforgiving when that turns out to be the case...It is just not the way that I live and operate/function. Different strokes. But ultimately, people will always make time, will, and way to do what they want. And that will have no bearing on what someone else has done or is doing. If I want to buy you a birthday gift, for instance... It ill not matter that you have not gotten me a gift in years...or that you were rude to me the day that I went to the store to buy it...or that my check was short and therefore I did not have enough funds to do it... In all of those situations I would adapt... In the case of the shortened check, that may come with an explanation ... and I'd just get the gift when my funds resumed. But My response would never be that I COULDN'T get you a gift...It'd be that I did not because of whatever, and yet will when my situation changes...because it is something that I WANT to do... If you're rude to me or don't ever get me gifts, and that deters me from getting you something... My reasoning is flawed. I do not WANT to get you a gift, I either feel obligated...or think it would be nice with certain contingencies set in play... but it is completely conditional... and therefore was not a true desire of mine... That is just the way I see it. People do not let others get in the way of what they truly want to do. There are obvious limitations to this... but even those have reasoning as well... [[shrug]]
5.Balance is the key to everything : This is my golden rule. And it is very important to me. I think more than any other situation in my life, my last relationship taught me a huge lesson about balance... and about my own stubbornness... But specifically about balance. It didn't end because I didn't love him enough or because he didn't love me... I did... and I can't speak for him... But I thought he did... It ended, in my opinion, because there was no balance. Everything was so extreme all of the time. His crazy ignited my anger. My anger ignited his crazy. When he was in crazy mode, nothing I could do or say could calm him down. When I was in angry mode, there was nothing he could do or say to bring me out of it. We sparked the wrong things in one another with no buffer to even things out. And we paid for it... drastically. We went as far as two people could go, farther in fact... before it became clear that we were destructive together. He hurt me... pretty badly to be honest... But I'm no longer angry about it... I am now pretty indifferent (see lesson #7 below lol)...But ultimately we were broken before we started which made the damage done that more irreparable... There was no balance. I think that in all relationships, regardless of nature, balance is one of the most important attributes a relationship can possess... It is what allows the good to outweigh the bad... It is what keeps things moving in an onward fashion...It is literally the equation for growth versus loss... But in a non-mathematical way... balance is what forges the growth and prosperity of a union... And a relationship will not survive without it...nor will a lifestyle, company, occupation, conversation... nothing in life (physical or otherwise) can survive without equilibrium... And it is something that I find to be so precious... It is logic that balances out emotion, fear, rage, recklessness... It is love that balances out anger, hurt, pain, disdain... Its not to say that none of he bad exists and there will only always be good... But the work and beauty is in finding and maintaining that balance...Similarly, I need my friendships and extracurricular outlets to balance out my school and work lives... One will not work without the other... I'd cease to exist otherwise (that may be a bit dramatic but it is true in many ways...) So important to me in so many different facets of my life.
6. Who we are is a culmination of the person we are when no one is watching, and the person we are when everyone is watching: For some people, these two are one in the same... And for some the two are completely different... There are some who believe that it is only who you are when others aren't paying attention that truly matters. But I don't think that to be entirely true. I think each says something unique about you. But we are all struggling with something... and I don't know anyone who is always at their proudest of moments... However my personal goal is to have those two people be as in sync as possible. And most of the time, I'm successful. If a person is really rude to people when the cameras are rolling, but secretly spends free-time running and serving the line of a local soup kitchen... which person are they? They are both... and there is probably a story behind their behavior in each instance.
7. A person has to truly hurt me to the core in order to render me completely indifferent toward them... This is more true than I care to admit. I am a very upbeat person by nature... I love everyone... I try to see the good in everyone... I don't treat everyone the same... I am all for individual treatment in individual relationships... And I will let a person hurt me more than once before I am done... Really... I have allowed people to hurt me repeatedly because I am also pretty huge on forgiveness... And I think forgiveness is more for you than it is the other person anyway... However I realize that the people I am closest to have the greatest potential to hurt me... Which is why I behave the way that I do when it happens...I detach completely. I refuse to give or receive explanations. I shut all the way down. I close myself off. I am neither rude or friendly... I am polite. Cut and dry... But I'm not my usual sarcastic, joking, passionate self. All roads to that version of me are demolished in an attempt to stop the pain... And I'm usually very successful... There are also very clear signs for when that version of me is on the horizon, as I have noticed... I usually stop confiding... I stop sharing... I stop being interactive and engaging... I check out emotionally... And I'm usually unaware that it's coming. I have noticed that in situations that are not meant for me or that mean me harm...very drastic things happen in order to separate me from the individual or situation. I attribute this to the fact that I truly do not know when enough has proven itself to be enough. And so I think God usually uses this method to let me know that it is time to go. I won't listen otherwise. So when my feelings completely shut off.. I know that it is meant to be that way. But it usually takes a lot to get me to that point... and once I'm there... It always seems to be the most insignificant detail that pushed me to the ledge... Sort of like the lone piece of straw breaking the camel's back. This has only happened to me a total of 4 times in my life. But it is usually extremely distinctive every single time.
8. Life is too short to be unhappy for any period of time... and for anyone EVER... I think this is pretty self explanatory. But it is a hard lesson for me every time I learn it. I will sacrifice my own happiness for the good of others. But I'm getting better with choosing me... And choosing people who truly have my best interest at heart to surround me... I am a work in progress...Usually my friends have to remind me that I'm not adhering to this principle... or that I'm putting everyone but me first. And that is why my prayer has recently become for God to just bless me with someone who understands that I am a self sacrificer. and will not allow me to do it... all of the time lol
9. Integrity is a situational accomplice: This has changed for me. I always thought that integrity was an attribute that defines us. Either we have it or we don't. But in reality... it is completely situational. We exercise it in some instances and not at all in others. And it is more subjective than we care to acknowledge. Additionally, sometimes it wins us favor with others and sometimes, often times, quite the opposite.
10. The truth is completely relative and is always up for interpretation... Even when it isn't: There is a scene in the movie Couple's Retreat...where Vince Vaugn's character is trying to explain how dramatic the shark bite was for him to his wife and his therapist. When neither of them agreed, he replied "I know my truth". lol That part makes me laugh hysterically every time I hear it. But the truth really is another one of those things that people fight over as an absolute. Only it isn't an absolute. It is relative. It is subjective. It is based solely on perception. Everyone has their truth. But the truth is not he exact opposite of a lie. A lie is the intentional distortion of the truth by way of omission or addition of fabricated details. The truth is something that is based on the vantage point of the teller. So for everyone who is on this intense search for the truth (which sometimes I must admit that I am), do so knowing that what you find will be the collaboration of several truths...or at least it should be. And sometimes, even the truth is a lie (shout out to day 26... I love you mans!) But in all seriousness... That is a serious lesson to learn. And it is important to understand the difference between the absolute truth (which is really just a Utopian theory), a person's truth, and a lie...
11. A little effort truly does go a long way... with me anyway: The most meaningful experiences that I have ever had in my life (good and bad) have been the result of a person;s intention and/or effort...and not the behavior/gift/event itself. If a person asks me on a date... I am much more likely to be impressed with the time it took him to select a place while taking my likes and dislikes into account... or the effort it took for him to set up the scene or decide on the right place and the right atmosphere... than I am on how fancy the place is. I would much rather attend a well-suited hole in the wall that serves my favorite cuisine and leaves room for good conversation than I would a really fancy dinner that cost the person tons of money but minimal effort... It is how I am about everything. Specifically because it is the way I treat others. When I buy gifts, it is a strenuous process of selections and eliminations, individualizations, effort. I don't just go to a site and say, "hmmm I think she'll like these... *click* *click* *click*" That's not my style because people mean more to me than that. Even if it involves something that I dislike or am not a fan of spending time on... If I have made up my mind to do it... (see lesson #4 above)...then that's what it is and it means that I will put the effort into making it as thoughtful as possible. And I appreciate the same in return. Especially when it is unexpected.
12. I am happiest when the people who matter most to me are happy: Self explanatory and really true of me. Very few things in this life make me happier. (Good books, witty television situational comedies or drams, soulful music, and lazy Sunday mornings all come a close second to this!)
13. Support means more to me than I ever realized: I foolishly believed that support meant little to me before recently... But I also note that when I don't have it from the people who matter most to me... Things in my life seem completely off center... It hurts me...and I usually find ways to make not having it okay... But even having to make those types of adjustment shows that I am influenced buy its absence... It is also something that means a lot to me in genuineness... If you care about me...and therefore the things that matter to me automatically matter to you...It says a world about the depth of your concern. It draws the lines as appropriate in my life... As it should, I suppose.
14. My day is not the same if I don't pray in the morning, take my morning run, and dance in my mirror to an upbeat song before I leave the house... Another one that is self explanatory... If I don't do any of these things... My day is super off... And on days when I am fortunate enough to complete all three....! WHOOT! =) Try it... It changes things
15. I love people, but I don't usually like them very much: I am an Aquarius...and this is true for most that I know. I don't think the Zodiac has it ALL figured out...but I am honestly a champion of human rights and appropriate treatment for the same people who irritate me to no end... lol I giggle every time I realize how true this is for me.
16. I am a huge fan of self-assessment : I did a whole blog on this so I won't reiterate inappropriately. But I can only do what works for me. I check myself OFTEN. Mainly out of fear of hypocrisy but also just because I feel like it's the correct thing to do. I do not like it when people are more of an expert on me than me... It is honestly unacceptable, for me...
17. Everyone is a work in progress... including me. I often forget that it is okay for me to make mistakes and fall off track sometimes. I am always willing to accept it of others, but am less accepting or understanding of it when it comes to myself. I'm working on it though.
18. I truly do believe that the children are our future... I have devoted my life's work to this concept...and I believe our children...our future deserves better from us. We have to lead them in the right direction, nourish their growth with wisdom, truth, and honesty... For without them... we are surely lost. I hate it when people criticize the problem while doing NOTHING to foster a solution... And that is what I see so many people doing with these growing generations... But in this instance...there is a very clear line drawn between doing that and the persistence of the problem...
19. I am sometimes complicated in my simplicity... And I own that... :)
Friday, August 10, 2012
Reasonable Doubt
I've been having some pretty powerful conversations lately that have been sending my thoughts into overload. I have also been having experiences that have been causing me to question the motives of some who I THOUGHT had my best interests at heart.
But recently, I have also been paying close attention to my own actions, as well as those of others to better understand why we do the things we do.
And I have been wondering if we, ourselves, are really asking ourselves that very important question of "why?"
I try not to do things just to do them, because that is never a strong enough reason to me. "Because I enjoy it" is only okay for certain situations. But ultimately, I like to be able to justify my behavior, if for no one else's benefit, for my own.
And yet, I just can't seem to get away from the craziness of others if my life depended on it. I'm beginning to think it's just me... though some of the scenarios my friends have run into are quite comical yet utterly pointless as well. I just wish more people would pay attention to the actions and messages they are sending through those actions. It would save so much time and ignorance if they would.
Take for instance that ex who is going out of his way to let you know that his world is ending because you're not together anymore...and yet is selling himself all over online dating sites just itching to get at some random floozy... posting shirtless pics, fabricating his interesting-ability, adding excitement to his life to appear more worth while... Why go through the trouble of trying to guilt-trip me when you're clearly putting in WORK to bag youngins in the background...
Or better yet that side-piece that swears up and down he knows he's a side piece... and yet will literally hold up traffic ducking in his driver's side seat hoping you don't spot him with the chick that he seems convinced you don't know he's (also) smashin!
And ladies aren't exempt... there's the super self-righteous Do the right thing chick who invites you over to her place... sets the tone for you two to get it in... then is CLEARLY irritated when you don't... But Blows on you for treating her like a cheap shot of poon the moment you text her anytime after 11:00pm...
In all of these instances... the person described is clearly confused by either the way that they feel or the actions that should be taken toward those feelings... But I bet you it is because they do not understand what true introspection is. They are too afraid to challenge themselves and ask why they are behaving accordingly,likely because they are afraid of the answer they will receive... At this point, I'm not entirely sure that I even have a point... I'm likely just super irritated with the way that full-grown adults believe it is acceptable to behave... Because they cannot deal with their own issues, insecurities, inferiority complexes ,etc. ... they find it acceptable to infringe upon the happiness of others until they finally figure it out... But to them I say...With strength and integrity... AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Live your life... be accountable to yourself... and stop blaming others or passing the buck for the things that you haven't had a chance to take care of... Because otherwise you're just wasting valuable space and time that could be spent on something more useful... like tree planting... or cleaning the pacific...
I dunno... I mean I kinda get it... The ex is probably unsure of his real feelings about the situation and doesn't wanna accept responsibility for his role in the demise of the relationship... OR ... he may just be manipulative and may be using every angle he can to cause pain to his current significant other... Either way.. his actions and words are in conflict and therefore he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt.. There's a lie somewhere in there... and after a while, if he doesn't ask himself the tough questions and get to the bottom of things...why would anyone else waste their time trying to...? The actions here destroy any hope of a positive spin on the thought process... BIG TIME... The side piece that doesn't know he's a side piece may be trying to back pocket the chick he's ducking and dodging when other yeezies are around. Saving her for when he finally wants to settle down and actually be serious about someone... however, he underestimates the chick big time. Clearly she knows him...knows his car...knows what he looks like... So behaving that way only makes him look like a crazy, shady, shaggy-haired liar... which is OKAY because she's probably not considering him forreal anyway... But again... he isn't thinking before he behaves and it shows through his actions... No reason for reasonable doubt there because the actions overshadow the thought process ... BIG TIME... And then there's the chick... I think we all know what her problem is... She's insecure... She wants this dude to desire her... but is conflicted by what that means for her brains, her stature, her worth... And is that HIS problem...?? NO! It's hers... but because she has it all figured out... she's not going to ask herself the important questions and will therefore continue to lose...
LOOK! 7_7 Life is just too short for the games, for the bs... for the excess baggage... Grow up... find what makes you happy... Do THAT... and stop bothering me.
Take for instance that ex who is going out of his way to let you know that his world is ending because you're not together anymore...and yet is selling himself all over online dating sites just itching to get at some random floozy... posting shirtless pics, fabricating his interesting-ability, adding excitement to his life to appear more worth while... Why go through the trouble of trying to guilt-trip me when you're clearly putting in WORK to bag youngins in the background...
Or better yet that side-piece that swears up and down he knows he's a side piece... and yet will literally hold up traffic ducking in his driver's side seat hoping you don't spot him with the chick that he seems convinced you don't know he's (also) smashin!
And ladies aren't exempt... there's the super self-righteous Do the right thing chick who invites you over to her place... sets the tone for you two to get it in... then is CLEARLY irritated when you don't... But Blows on you for treating her like a cheap shot of poon the moment you text her anytime after 11:00pm...
In all of these instances... the person described is clearly confused by either the way that they feel or the actions that should be taken toward those feelings... But I bet you it is because they do not understand what true introspection is. They are too afraid to challenge themselves and ask why they are behaving accordingly,likely because they are afraid of the answer they will receive... At this point, I'm not entirely sure that I even have a point... I'm likely just super irritated with the way that full-grown adults believe it is acceptable to behave... Because they cannot deal with their own issues, insecurities, inferiority complexes ,etc. ... they find it acceptable to infringe upon the happiness of others until they finally figure it out... But to them I say...With strength and integrity... AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Live your life... be accountable to yourself... and stop blaming others or passing the buck for the things that you haven't had a chance to take care of... Because otherwise you're just wasting valuable space and time that could be spent on something more useful... like tree planting... or cleaning the pacific...
I dunno... I mean I kinda get it... The ex is probably unsure of his real feelings about the situation and doesn't wanna accept responsibility for his role in the demise of the relationship... OR ... he may just be manipulative and may be using every angle he can to cause pain to his current significant other... Either way.. his actions and words are in conflict and therefore he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt.. There's a lie somewhere in there... and after a while, if he doesn't ask himself the tough questions and get to the bottom of things...why would anyone else waste their time trying to...? The actions here destroy any hope of a positive spin on the thought process... BIG TIME... The side piece that doesn't know he's a side piece may be trying to back pocket the chick he's ducking and dodging when other yeezies are around. Saving her for when he finally wants to settle down and actually be serious about someone... however, he underestimates the chick big time. Clearly she knows him...knows his car...knows what he looks like... So behaving that way only makes him look like a crazy, shady, shaggy-haired liar... which is OKAY because she's probably not considering him forreal anyway... But again... he isn't thinking before he behaves and it shows through his actions... No reason for reasonable doubt there because the actions overshadow the thought process ... BIG TIME... And then there's the chick... I think we all know what her problem is... She's insecure... She wants this dude to desire her... but is conflicted by what that means for her brains, her stature, her worth... And is that HIS problem...?? NO! It's hers... but because she has it all figured out... she's not going to ask herself the important questions and will therefore continue to lose...
LOOK! 7_7 Life is just too short for the games, for the bs... for the excess baggage... Grow up... find what makes you happy... Do THAT... and stop bothering me.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Words and Symbols
I realize more and more that many women have the same issue with men across the board. Most problems between males and females across the board, no matter how big or small, come down to one very simple principle: words and actions don't match up.
I notice this amongst my friends (male and female) as well as in my own romantic entanglements. But I also think that men don't always recognize the messages or incongruences they often send out regarding words vs behavior. But women , in turn expect them to AND hold this ignorance against them in many cases.
That's because to us, the two translate so well that we are usually appalled by your genuine inability to see the differences (gentlemen).
For me, personally though, it's the very simple inconsistencies that really piss me off. For example, I really hate it when a guy says he really wants to be with/date a female and yet has done little to nothing in order to make it happen. Like how are you seriously trying to date her, and yet you haven't really put a real bid in by taking her on a real date? Now we could go into detail about what a "real date" is at some other time in some other blog. But know this: How seriously you take the planning and preparation for that date will almost always connect to how seriously she takes your intentions. If its a chill laid back type of date, she'll think you're a chill laid back dude with chill laid back intentions for her.
If she expresses discomfort with something, the swiftness and genuineness you use to handle the situation will tell her all she needs to know about how you feel about her, the situation, and her feelings overall.
The reverse is always true as well but I'm old fashioned though, so I feel that the male in a relationship should always set the tone through his behavior which the woman should then follow.
Anyway though, I just always find it amazing just how common this issue is and yet how far away we are from solving it.
I notice this amongst my friends (male and female) as well as in my own romantic entanglements. But I also think that men don't always recognize the messages or incongruences they often send out regarding words vs behavior. But women , in turn expect them to AND hold this ignorance against them in many cases.
That's because to us, the two translate so well that we are usually appalled by your genuine inability to see the differences (gentlemen).
For me, personally though, it's the very simple inconsistencies that really piss me off. For example, I really hate it when a guy says he really wants to be with/date a female and yet has done little to nothing in order to make it happen. Like how are you seriously trying to date her, and yet you haven't really put a real bid in by taking her on a real date? Now we could go into detail about what a "real date" is at some other time in some other blog. But know this: How seriously you take the planning and preparation for that date will almost always connect to how seriously she takes your intentions. If its a chill laid back type of date, she'll think you're a chill laid back dude with chill laid back intentions for her.
If she expresses discomfort with something, the swiftness and genuineness you use to handle the situation will tell her all she needs to know about how you feel about her, the situation, and her feelings overall.
The reverse is always true as well but I'm old fashioned though, so I feel that the male in a relationship should always set the tone through his behavior which the woman should then follow.
Anyway though, I just always find it amazing just how common this issue is and yet how far away we are from solving it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Censorship
Self-expression is such a perplexing beast. It's one of those things that everyone has the right to do, and yet when it is over the top or lacking in anyway, others always feel the need to comment or assess. It gets on my nerves. Specifically because I am all for self-expression within reason, and yet even having to say that at all irritates me. (lol I'm a tortured soul. My bestie always says I love everything and nothing all at once, and sadly it is true!)
Anyway though... I like blogging, despite my track record. It gives me a chance to self-reflect and self-express safely. And because I know not many people care a great deal about what I write here... I never feel like I'm doing the most when I blog. But I also don't like that if I have a thought or need to vent... I have to censor my words because of how they may influence the feelings of others. Most of me is an open book. I am very transparent and will tell anyone at any point how I am feeling about him/her at a given moment in time. However, I am also a lover of people and therefore subscribe to "If I have nothing nice to say, I will say nothing...Unless you ask me...7_7" lol. But it still bothers me that I feel censored. Can't discuss things that just happened because people get in their feelings about it... Can't discuss significant events in detail because people get in their bags about that.... Like... I don't know... I'd never post anything that I've never said TO the person myself, blatantly. And yet people still feel a way. Blogs are great because they allow people you do not know to relate to situations that you may feel you are the only one experiencing. And yet, that interesting embrace is stifled out of worry for hurting the feelings of someone who probably disrespected you to the point of slanderous blogging in the first place!?! UGH!
I'm over it. lol And yet I'll probably still continue to subscribe to this behavior. In writing this, I realize the only person really censoring me is myself... And sometimes I'm okay with that and sometimes I am not.
Anyway... back to life as usual =)
Friday, July 13, 2012
New discoveries and old news
So...
The whole blogging daily thing didn't really work out too well for me... lol Always a work in progress...
Anyway, I just felt the need to weigh in on a few things as I have learned quite a bit about myself over the past few weeks... And I'd like to use my blog as a way to chronicle at least SOME of this journey known as life... From my perspective at least.
First things first... I realize that I am a lover of words, but a believer of behavior.
I have dedicated my life's work to understanding why people do the things that they do and in that understanding, I try to help them to gain the tools necessary to change the things they want to change... Or accept that change is not a remote possibility and achieve change in their views of the situation instead.
That is my life. It's what I am passionate about. It's what I love.
And the way that translates into my personal life is that I appreciate words... Especially fancy well-thought-out ones. But I thrive on action. I am very action oriented, and I appreciate people who (like me) do their best to make words and actions marry...continually, in happy matrimony.
I realized recently, that I am very attracted to the beauty in words, and people who take them as seriously as I do. I love people who can finesse a sentence and use words to the powerful extent of moving hearts and changing minds. Orators. I love orators.
I fell in love with Franky Ocean that way. And I did not realize it until a few minutes ago. He paints pictures. Beautiful ones with his words, with his mind, with his mouth, from his soul... No paint brush needed. The air, our minds, imagination... all his canvases. I had never really paid any of his music any attention, and would still be willing to take or leave the lot of it if it were not for his amazing confession of truth and lies in his blog last week. I thought it was extremely brave of him to express himself in such a raw, honest way. But I could have taken or left that as well. It was his words. It was the picture he pained for me, that I have not been able to get over since. He was so respectful and appreciative of the human language, and yet found a way to make it his own....But make it mine too. I fully understood his position. His joy. His pain. His fear. his anguish. His rejection. His rebuilding and rebranding.
All of it. All of him. And I was impressed. After this, I like many, bought his album. I've played it through one whole time. I'll play it today. But I cannot stop myself from listening to "Thinking bout You" for the life of me. Funny thing is, I'd heard it before the album release. It was the only song by him that I'd listen to. And NOW... I listen with new ears. he's saying something different to me than he was before. He sees my soul. He's aware of his soul.
Maybe THAT'S what it is. For someone to be so in touch with human nature, and so aware of the impact words can have... And be able to execute each harmoniously... One must be self aware, and understanding, and speculative... And so many other things. And that must be what I love.
I also realized that this is how several of my past significant others have gotten me. They recognized my need for the unusual. They were creative in their approach and were able to tap into my appreciation for a man just as aware of me as he was of himself. That coupled with the level of creativity with which each approached me, and expressed themselves.
It's amazing. Some people win me over by offering me something that no one else has (my personal favorite). And then some meet that and exceed it by personalizing their existing talents for me. Creatively. Intently. Intentionally. Hmmm... This is an interesting tid-bit indeed.
I think this is also why I am so put off by men who attempt this in a disingenuous way. Because it's usually very clear and I feel my intelligence being insulted when they think that I'm unaware. I don't like other people's left overs. I don't like receiving the same things that the usual receive. And I get immediately disgusted when I can tell that, that is the case.
All very interesting things. :)
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