One for Good Measure...

So this wasn't one of my planned blogs. In fact, I currently have like three in the making. But I wanted to weigh in on this before I forgot about it altogether.

I was searching for interesting blogs to read and came across one written by "smart black men" ... Or maybe it's just one man. I don't know. But I'm always intrigued by things like this... An educated man's perspective on basic things. Almost as intrigued as I am by the ignorant man's perspective. ALMOST!

Anyway, this guy decided to write on a topic that's really near and dear to me. Premarital Shacking. But I'm not sure he did it any real justice as a topic for discussion. I'm not sure I will either. But... Eh I guess that's the beauty of blogging.

Anyway... His main point for why people shouldn't live together before marrying was that you end up doing the awkward dance... You both want it to be over but you own space together (or are renting it)... You have joint bills, and you still have to deal with one another. This increases uncertainty of whether or not you should really move on, and makes doing so much more difficult in the event that the answer is yes.

This is all true.

But, I think thats so clear and a huge DUH moment for anyone with sense. I do not think it is THE reason to not live with a potential spouse before marriage. I did think that the gentleman's outline of the pro argument was a nice one. It gave him a hint of credibility. But I think that ultimately, living with someone is a completely different step in intimacy. Being together all the time, having sleep overs, having a drawer at his place... These are in no way equivalent to actually living with someone full time. And sometimes (even when you THINK that you are the easiest person in the world to live with)... You can find this process difficult. It takes work, and compromise, and settling, and self-awareness, and consideration, and so many of the things that any good relationship requires to even remain afloat with someone that you live with [in many situations]. We are talking about your haven, your safety zone, the place you should be able to go to escape the perils that life has a tendency to throw at you. And so, you probably take it personally. My point is that many of the disputes and disagreements you may get into with a significant other that are the result of bottled up frustration from him not putting the toilet seat down ever, or her not remembering to turn the lights out when she leaves a room... can result in a break-up. And break ups occur when you're just a couple, not a married couple. Therefore, it is much easier to leave. When you are married to someone, it takes something much bigger than a toilet seat or an extremely high electricity bill to disrupt the bond... or at least it should. So leaving in those situations, ending a marriage there...  would be silly.

Don't get me wrong... a couple worth its salt will most definitely argue over these things... But at the end of that argument... they will find themselves right back together because what they have is stronger than the pebbles thrown during a petty argument... [[shameless plug: MORE ON THIS IN THE UPCOMING "The Truth About Power Couples"]].... But why provoke it...? Why not save something for the sanctity of marriage? A friend of mine made a comment a while ago when referring to two of his friends that were living together and getting married... He basically asked what was going to be new and exciting for them at this point? After the wedding, they'd leave friends and family... go home and go to bed... wake up the next morning and just say hey to one another... And he was right. I just think that ultimately... the risk of normalcy leading to a desire to find something newer or less like the old might creep up if you give cause to it. And this is what happens when two people live together when unmarried. Doing so while engaged may have a bit more clout to it... But even then... I just don't agree with it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free...? Why get real and have a house when you can play it with all the added bonuses and none of the extra work? And then why enter into commitments with someone who you are expecting to be temporary...?

Therefore ... ONE unless you are sure of your relationship with someone, coupled with TWO trusting them and you fully (or as fully as possible)... Don't live with them pre-marriage. Especially since, even these things aren't guaranteed in matrimony... But that is a great place to start.