The Hurt Felt 'Round the World...

This is a lesson, or a group of lessons, that apply to all relationships. I have been toying with this topic for a while, and just didn't have the time to weigh in on it. I think, though, that I will frame this in terms of romantic entanglements, just because... So here goes:

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy back. They like one another immediately, and decide to try their hand at a relationship. They respect one another, and get along well. But ultimately they decide that they do not really fit. As a result, they have a conversation which results in the two agreeing to part ways... Peaceably. Boy moves on, and takes the things he learned from his past relationship with him; learning from it and using it to his advantage. Girl does the same. They both live happily ever.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!

How awesome would it be if this happened all of the time? If people really went through life this way...? Unfortunately, though, this is seldom the case. Instead ... it's usually a bit more like this:

Boy and Girl meet. Boy really likes girl, and decides that he wants to be with her. Girl likes boy, too. However this is the third or fourth "boy" that she has felt this way about. Boy one cheated, boy two was emotionally abusive and controlling, and boy three just lied... a lot. She agrees to date the new guy (Boy), because she believes that everyone deserves a chance. However, she in no way acknowledges that her past relationships are impacting the way she sees this new one. She believes she is over the past, but has a really difficult time trusting this new guy. Meanwhile, the new guy (Boy) was cheated on by his previous girlfriend who also used him for his cashflow. She consistently accused him of cheating and was extremely jealous of other women. As a result, he truly believed she cared and was devastated when he found out that it was she who was cheating on him. He felt like things could be different with this new lady, though. She seemed trustworthy and very sure of herself. After some time, though, Girl starts to suspect Boy is cheating. He is "working" a lot lately, seems to have a host of female friends, and sometimes disappears in the middle of text conversations. She remembers that her exes would all do similar things and wonders what other explanation there could possibly be. Girl then starts to question Boy which makes him feel a bout of deja vu as well. Boy now feels that 1.) Girl can only be acting this way because she is probably doing her own thing 2.) Girl already suspects that he's doing dirt so why not just start since he's being blamed for it anyway. He's already been hurt before and is in no position to feel that way again. Boy cheats, Girl finds out. They break up. Now both are scorned...

This example may seem a little bit extreme. But there are different variations of it floating around daily. The point is this: Hurt people, hurt people. And scarred people act out for a lifetime. In most relationships, we have no choice but to carry the baggage from past ones around with us. Especially if we don't find a way to release previous baggage, i.e.- confront it. And sometimes the hurt is unintentional. So then who is wrong in those situations? Granted, there are definite no-no's in relationships. Or at least there should be. Those are the 'thou shall not cheat' 'thou shall not lie' 'thou shall not engage with others emotionally' 'thou shall confide in thine partner' ... yada yada yada. And granted, there are some people who will break those regardless. I'll get to those folks in a minute. But in situations where you feel like you have to protect yourself... and the other person feels they have to do the same... Who is at fault?

I guess in those cases, everyone is. When you get into a relationship, you should feel protected by your partner and he/she should feel equally protected by you. I have always said that in real relationships, each member is so busy taking care of their partner that they can almost forget to take care of themselves. But that is okay... because their partner feels the same way and therefore both backs are covered. This may seem extreme... But it is true. It just doesn't happen that way very often... Because everyone is busy looking out for themselves. And that type of relationship... The kind that I just spoke about takes a lot of things that people just aren't willing to give anymore... This cycle of expecting all of the bad and being incapable of recognizing any of the good is perpetuating itself through generations and I am not sure it can be stopped. It truly is the hurt felt round the world. Someone hurts you so you in turn shut yourself out or look out for self thus hurting someone else. They either then, turn that back around on you and shut down... OR turn around and hurt someone else in an attempt to keep from being hurt ... and so on and so forth.

I am in awe of those who have been capable of either stopping the cycle dead in its tracks or escaping it altogether. I know a few... And I just don't get it myself. We are a product of our environments... A true mark of our experiences... Tabula rasa... [[LOOK IT UP... I PROMISE IT WILL BLESS YOU]].... But I also feel like it comes from trusting yourself... and trusting God. Because through those, you can also learn to trust others and believe in them. You also adopt the belief that if someone is willing to do you wrong when you are treating them the way that one should... It won't be up to you to teach them a lesson... Life will do that. But that is so difficult to do... It really is.

Now back to THOSE people... The ones that hurt people intentionally... I realize more and more that it takes a special kind of person with a special set of circumstances to be this way. Fundamentally...I believe these people are the most hurt out of everyone. But that may be a different blog for a different day. And you can only hope that you aren't running into them... Unless you possess the necessary patience and skill to combat their arsenal. MOST do not... Because they don't change unless they truly find a reason to... And even then, old habits die hard. But there has to be a revival of faith somewhere. There has to be an end to this phenomenon. One whose power is strong enough to end this hurt felt round the world, and capable of healing the scars that it seems to be leaving in its tracks. Sometimes I think it can happen one situation... one relationship at a time. But I'm still not entirely sure that that's true. What is true, though... is that you can only live for you and your relationship. This concept of hurt people hurting people does not excuse ANYONE'S behavior. But it does provide a lens through which that behavior can be framed. And so, if you happen to meet someone, that you feel is worth the risk... and they seem to feel the same way about you... but they also seem a bit ... nervous or less than overzealous about the idea of re-opening themselves to the possibility of hurt [[which is exactly what they are doing]]... Try not to be so hard on them... It is a process and it does require reframing and restructuring and re-educating. And maybe it isn't worth it to even try... BUT if you find that it is... Keep in mind that it may be a hurt that you can help them out of by being the opposite and being the exception to the rule...

Just a thought...
Toodles until next time =)