I am always appalled by my ability to fool the people around me into thinking that everything is fine...
But I also appreciate the people who regardless of how large my grin, or how funny my jokes (because lets be honest... sometimes I'm a riot)... Recognize me and my bull.
Don't get me wrong, every now and again we can all be completely wrapped up in our own mess and be oblivious to that of others. Alternatively, I sometimes would much rather help someone else out of their mess than to entertain my own... But I'm odd that way...
Regardless, though, there are so many people that I know that are genuinely and legitimately clueless when something is off about me... And it really just makes me appreciate the very few in that other group all the more... I guess it usually just hurts because it is often someone who SHOULD know better... who should know YOU better... and when it becomes clear that they do not... You are forced to place them in a category that is different than the one they were in before... Tough decision usually and one that most [especially me] are never really eager to make...
What is even more interesting... is that of the VERY SMALL circle of 'very important people' that I have... the ones who are in the realm of oblivion could probably read this and not even realize that I mean them... I have two friends that are genuinely just the same across the board in general. LOL They let me be me and are always available, even if I don't say "I am in need". And so they don't really count. I then have another two, maybe three.... ye... Three I guess... lol Who no matter where I am or what I am doing... They are hip and will call me out on it. One will essentially say... or literally say "Listen *expletive that starts with a B*, I know something is up and I know you don't want to discuss it right now, but at some point you're going to get it together and you're going to tell me... And when that time comes I will be waiting. Make it fast" lol! And as annoying as it is... I appreciate her for that. The others will usually be able to tell by very faint changes in energy or who knows what... But they will also essentially call me out on it and give me space to express (inside of or outside of my own timeframe), and that will be that.
It is just the most interesting thing in the world to me... Because I have always felt that when something or someone matters, you make it clear that it matters... You pay attention to it... you invest in it... and you make your intention to do so known... That expression may be blatant or not... But it is always there and it is always clear...
Ultimately I guess I don't think the others don't care about me... But I do think that ultimately they care MORE about themselves... And I can't fault them for that. I can simply reposition them, and adjust my priorities accordingly. I'm sick of driving myself crazy over people and situations that would not and do not do the same for me. [[shrug]]
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