On Communicating

I am realizing more and more as I pay attention to myself, and to others, that communicating is something that so many of us take for granted. And we do not do so because we do not realize its importance overall.... Instead, we often do it because we think we are communicating effectively. But in many cases, we are sadly mistaken.

I see, more and more, that we sometimes just expect the people we love and care about to KNOW certain things... To just KNOW. I cannot even begin to tell you all how many times I have both heard and said "Well s/he should have KNOWN how that would make me feel..." or "S/he would not like it if I did that to them so why do it to me?" And we often think that should negate the necessity of a conversation or actual communication on a topic all together. However, more and more I realize this is not true. I have also been guilty of the "Well if I have to tell you then it defeats the purpose anyway..." (lol) But the more I grow and get to understand others, I realize exactly how silly I have been over the years for genuinely feeling that way. 

Even more fascinating than the lack of communicating, though, is the reason for it. FEAR! Some view fear as a weakness, while others see it as a point of strength forcing you in one direction or another. But interestingly, most of the time, we do not realize that it is fear that is keeping us from doing or saying the things that we should in terms of communication and in terms of communicating within relationships. Often times, we fear rejection... or a lack of genuine concern on the part of the other person... or a lack in the capacity to change things the right way... or even a lack of faith in the importance we hold in the life of the person we are communicating with. This is really what we are saying when we make up excuses (that we sometimes do not even recognize as excuses) for not communicating. 

But at some point, this has to stop. Communication is key to every relationship, and can either be responsible for its success or its demise. Furthermore, if we are not willing to share our feelings with a person we care about... We are then forced to ask what withholding that information says about the way we feel about him or her overall. With this message of communicating, though, comes a certain responsibility for the listener as well. Communication is defined as the sending and reception of a message. There  must always be a sender and a receiver in order for it to work successfully. As a result, in a relationship, we MUST be willing to play both roles. We cannot expect to do all of the sending. We have to be receptive to responses and concerns from our partners as well. But we also have to do a better job at communicating effectively and not only attempt to be understood, but also have an equally as important investment in the ability to understand! This seems so simple and common sensical, and yet daily relationships fall apart because these very simple rules are being violated. 

You can never, ever just expect for someone else to understand how you feel or what you need or what you want. Closed mouths do not get fed. And to be honest, in many cases, them not knowing may not really be their fault... We all have different perspectives... Even those of us that seem to be most similar or most understanding. Me doing something that upset you is bound to happen at some point... However, if we have not negotiated the rules of our engagement... How fair is it for you to hold it against me? However, if you let me know exactly how you feel about something, and THEN I violate that.... THAT is the point at which you have every right to hold me accountable for my actions and place judgement on the value that I have or have not placed on you. However, prior to your explicit explanations of your thoughts, desires, and/or feelings... Holding a grudge toward me for something that i may not have known is incredibly unfair. 

While we are on this topic... it is also important to understand HOW your partner communicates. If text does not seem to work well for the two of you, move to verbal and/or face to face communication. If one of you communicates better via one than the other, search for a fair compromise that you can both benefit from. All relationships are give and take and will also require work from both parties in order to maintain healthy progression. But it seems more and more that the things that should be the most simple are often poorly executed or overcomplicated. 

Anyway, I just have thoughts sometimes... Until next time loves... =) 

On... Me

I always read the blogs of others and feel like the blogger seems to absolve him or herself from all blame. However everyone isn't the victim in every situation and at some point...we have to accept that as fact. Granted there are some horrible men and women out here, but I'm sure we have all done things or played a role in the outcomes of most of the situations we have found ourselves in. We just don't broadcast it... Somehow it makes us to feel better about ourselves? Makes us feel less human and more morally sound? Not sure. But to make mistakes, to acknowledge out faults, to grow through pain... In my opinion makes us more human. Makes us more relatable. Connects us to others...

Anyway, in exploring myself... I've been learning tons lately. I'm often the type of person who absolves others of fault. Even when it hurts me. And that's almost as detrimental as blaming the world and everyone in it for your circumstances.

Overall though, I realize that my views on relationships and my role in them comes from a very interesting place. I am very particular about my relationships these days. The more I learn, the more sacred and intimate I find them to be. They mean more when I gain glimpses of their true purpose and what they should really look like and be comprised of. As a result, my adopted motto has become I'd rather not have it at all than to have it be wrong.

In this way, I almost compare my relational résumé to my sexual résumé. It's so important to me these days, that I'd prefer the two to be almost equal or as close to it as possible. Considering that I started one far earlier than the other ( relationships), I feel purposed to be far more meticulous about the process. Just as meticulous as I am about deciding on an intimate partner (especially because the two may be one in the same in that my preference is to be intimate with the person I am in a committed relationship with).

A quick aside there... You will almost never hear or see me publicly discussing my personal sex life. I'm all for female sexual identity, exploration of desire, likes and dislikes. I'm a huge proponent of the female orgasm and a woman taking her sexuality into her own hands and not having it dictated to her or for her. I am also huge on sexual safety,honesty about one's sexually relational status (monogamous or not), and knowing one's own sexual health status. Those things, I will always speak freely about as well as advocate for the discussion thereof. They are important. However my own ins and outs... Not generally up for discussion. And probably won't ever be except for with the person I happen to be intimately involved with.My personal views on relationships, however, I am a little more liberal about...

Anyway, back to being a choosy lover. The older I get, the more meaning I assign to the people I allow in my life. I keep my circle small. I'm private. And I like to have a tight lid on those who influence my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (which happens when your circle is as small as mine is). I'm selective about my friends, and I'm at the point now where I'm hopefully getting closer to settling down overall. I tend to think most people rush into relationships which makes rushing out a much easier option in the end. However when you take the time to get to know a person, you are not only making an investment (making walking away over trivial matters more difficult) but you are also learning the person and examining the strength of your feelings.

Some say that it takes a couple of years (2) before two people truly know one another, which is about how long you need to know if you can truly  be with a person (or not). One of my friends lives by this concept totally. I'm not sure I think it takes that long... But I do feel like if you give a person enough time, the truth about them will have no choice other than to reveal itself. And if the person is who they say they are, you only gain from waiting. Nothing is really lost. Where is the harm in learning a person? How do you know you only want them when you aren't even sure how they behave under pressure?Or know that you don't mind the way he chews or her snoring? I'm not saying wait two years before getting serious. But I'm saying at least figure out if you even like the person as a person. Ultimately, I wound rather have something real that can stand the test of time than something that seems right for a few months only to dissolve as soon as difficulty sets in.

I'm also picky and meticulous because I love hard. I give a ton for just a little. All I really ever ask of anyone is honesty and appreciation. And in return... I do whatever it takes to make the other person happy.However, because so many people operate in the mindset of getting what they can from you and giving nothing in return, one has to be more careful with their heart... And by one I clearly mean me. The way I see it, if someone is worthy of all the things that I have to offer, waiting... Taking time to learn me, and for me to learn them.... Gaining deeper understanding... All of these things are reasonable prices for the gifts they will receive in return... But in this fast-paced world of time equaling money and money equaling the ultimate currency... Finding someone who is willing to slow down with you in order to appreciate the process can prove to be quite the feat.

Perhaps the most interesting phenomenon about me, though, is that I am choosy because I like personalization. I like to be treated differently than everyone else. I like to feel special and separated. Give me that, and I will probably be glued.... But if I get even an inkling that I'm sharing.... That what I receive is just a duplicate of what anyone else is getting... LOL ... Let's just say that things change... And rapidly. So I'm careful. I'm patient. I'm cautious. And in that time I'm noting the way a person interacts with others. Looking for subtle and not so subtle differences between those interactions and the ones that occur with me. And as long as I feel that my relation to the person is independent of any other... we are good to go.

Overall, I believe that given enough time, a person will always show you who they really are and what you need to know. You just have to be patient enough to wait for it. But when they show you, you also have to have the courage to believe them. That may go either way. But paying attention, and taking your time is always in your favor, as well as theirs. I grasp that this concept may be foreign today... But I do not necessarily think that it should be.

Until next time loves =)

The Truth About Power Couples....

"I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together...Baby I'm good all by myself... But Baby you, you make me better... You make me better..... You plus me it equals better math. Your boy's a good look but she's my better half..."


Lyrics from, arguably, THE POWER COUPLE ANTHEM...

This blog has been a long-time coming. But recently... about a month and a half ago... I realized that people CLEARLY have very different views about what it means to be a power couple... Then I thought about this song and realized... Maybe not (lol). People are just stupid maybe... I was approached by an old friend... And essentially questioned about the possibility of us joining forces so to speak... and being on our "Power couple ish" as he so eloquently put it. Now, there was a TON wrong with this proposition. But I'll remove several of the ones that don't really apply to the topic like the fact that we haven't even considered romantic involvement since 2005 as a viable option, or the fact that he has a baby's mom and very real baby's momma drama that will probably never die, or the fact that we don't talk regularly at all and even THIS communicative bit was fluke.... lol those are just some of the reasons my response was an immediate no and my levels of irritation spiked... lol MORE than even these things is the fact that he is NOT one half of a power couple on his own... at all...

But, because I feared that my reaction may have been a bit, harsh and accelerated... I decided to really think about what my views are on what it means to be a member of a power couple and what a power couple in general looks like and consists of.... I think that what everyone views as a power couple really thrives on surface material  when in many of those cases, the two aren't a power couple at all. I also think that usually a couple that actually is a power couple, likely does not see itself as one. The two parties likely see themselves as two hard-working individuals who want their lives and relationship to prosper and therefore do what it takes in order to make that a reality.

So with that said...I think the first step to being a power couple is being an actual couple.  A healthy functioning, mutually supportive, mutually beneficial, honest to God couple. And I really think that even defining that might give some folks a run for their money. But to me... a healthy couple [for me and through my eyes] is one built of two individuals who share similar and complimentary views on friendship, romantic relationship participation, exclusivity, support, appreciation, consideration, and all of the expressions thereof. They support one another. They take pride in one another. They protect one another from themselves as well as the world at large. They take care of and invest in one another. They are openly communicative and hold one another accountable for actions and words. They are honest with one another and honest with themselves. They are appreciative, understanding, and committed to the goal of maintaining these goals and principles and do what it takes to keep things working. This alone is not the basis for two people being a part of a power couple. However these are, or should be the foundational bits of a couple in general. Not saying that this does not require work, checking of egos, and the occasional mistake. But overall, this is a portrait of what a strong, healthy couple looks like.

Now a power couple... Is a culmination of attributes that in many ways surpasses a general couple (if you will) while still paying respect to many of the foundational necessities. For instance, in any couple, each is dependent on the other and should be. However, in a power couple, I feel like each individual really could stand alone... yet chooses (wisely) not to. BUT the things is, usually we think of these as our alpha males and alpha females adjoined in some sort of union which may or may not be the case. I think that in most power couples, there is still the same sense of natural hierarchy that exists and should exist in any other situation. Here, I am clearly speaking about male-female relations butI'm not being exclusive. Not intentionally anyway. But my point is that in a power couple-esque relationship... The rules of engagement should still be the same. The woman should still defer to or submit to her man... The man should still be driven by making her happy and comfortable and the two should still be committed to and faithful to one another... To me regardless of funds and increased marketability (which being powerful, successful, and the like often brings), it is that relentless hold to the basics of a healthy relationship that truly defines a power couple's status in my eyes. I'm good alone, but you make me better. You make me want to be better. I could probably be with tons of other people, but I only have eyes for you. It's that possession of power without the abuse thereof that makes it sexy and alluring. But that, for me, only exists if its real.

Now the logistics of what is required of each to even qualify is on a sliding scale. You could be the Obamas or you could be any other couple in the world. I'm not sure I would classify two people who are barely whole themselves as a power couple. A couple, maybe... But a power couple...? Doubtful.

The moral: Just because two people seem to be young, successful, and progressive in nature... and are romantically involved... They are not automatically a power couple. It takes more than success. It requires commitment to the commitment despite the space and opportunity to do otherwise.

untitled... 2.1.13

I am always appalled by my ability to fool the people around me into thinking that everything is fine...
But I also appreciate the people who regardless of how large my grin, or how funny my jokes (because lets be honest... sometimes I'm a riot)... Recognize me and my bull.

Don't get me wrong, every now and again we can all be completely wrapped up in our own mess and be oblivious to that of others. Alternatively, I sometimes would much rather help someone else out of their mess than to entertain my own... But I'm odd that way...

Regardless, though, there are so many people that I know that are genuinely and legitimately clueless when something is off about me... And it really just makes me appreciate the very few in that other group all the more... I guess it usually just hurts because it is often someone who SHOULD know better... who should know YOU better... and when it becomes clear that they do not... You are forced to place them in a category that is different than the one they were in before... Tough decision usually and one that most [especially me] are never really eager to make...

What is even more interesting... is that of the VERY SMALL circle of 'very important people' that I have... the ones who are in the realm of oblivion could probably read this and not even realize that I mean them... I have two friends that are genuinely just the same across the board in general. LOL They let me be me and are always available, even if I don't say "I am in need". And so they don't really count. I then have another two, maybe three.... ye... Three I guess... lol Who no matter where I am or what I am doing... They are hip and will call me out on it. One will essentially say... or literally say "Listen *expletive that starts with a B*, I know something is up and I know you don't want to discuss it right now, but at some point you're going to get it together and you're going to tell me... And when that time comes I will be waiting. Make it fast" lol! And as annoying as it is... I appreciate her for that. The others will usually be able to tell by very faint changes in energy or who knows what... But they will also essentially call me out on it and give me space to express (inside of or outside of my own timeframe), and that will be that.

It is just the most interesting thing in the world to me... Because I have always felt that when something or someone matters, you make it clear that it matters... You pay attention to it... you invest in it... and you make your intention to do so known... That expression may be blatant or not... But it is always there and it is always clear...

Ultimately I guess I don't think the others don't care about me... But I do think that ultimately they care MORE about themselves... And I can't fault them for that. I can simply reposition them, and adjust my priorities accordingly. I'm sick of driving myself crazy over people and situations that would not and do not do the same for me. [[shrug]]

The Hurt Felt 'Round the World...

This is a lesson, or a group of lessons, that apply to all relationships. I have been toying with this topic for a while, and just didn't have the time to weigh in on it. I think, though, that I will frame this in terms of romantic entanglements, just because... So here goes:

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy back. They like one another immediately, and decide to try their hand at a relationship. They respect one another, and get along well. But ultimately they decide that they do not really fit. As a result, they have a conversation which results in the two agreeing to part ways... Peaceably. Boy moves on, and takes the things he learned from his past relationship with him; learning from it and using it to his advantage. Girl does the same. They both live happily ever.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!

How awesome would it be if this happened all of the time? If people really went through life this way...? Unfortunately, though, this is seldom the case. Instead ... it's usually a bit more like this:

Boy and Girl meet. Boy really likes girl, and decides that he wants to be with her. Girl likes boy, too. However this is the third or fourth "boy" that she has felt this way about. Boy one cheated, boy two was emotionally abusive and controlling, and boy three just lied... a lot. She agrees to date the new guy (Boy), because she believes that everyone deserves a chance. However, she in no way acknowledges that her past relationships are impacting the way she sees this new one. She believes she is over the past, but has a really difficult time trusting this new guy. Meanwhile, the new guy (Boy) was cheated on by his previous girlfriend who also used him for his cashflow. She consistently accused him of cheating and was extremely jealous of other women. As a result, he truly believed she cared and was devastated when he found out that it was she who was cheating on him. He felt like things could be different with this new lady, though. She seemed trustworthy and very sure of herself. After some time, though, Girl starts to suspect Boy is cheating. He is "working" a lot lately, seems to have a host of female friends, and sometimes disappears in the middle of text conversations. She remembers that her exes would all do similar things and wonders what other explanation there could possibly be. Girl then starts to question Boy which makes him feel a bout of deja vu as well. Boy now feels that 1.) Girl can only be acting this way because she is probably doing her own thing 2.) Girl already suspects that he's doing dirt so why not just start since he's being blamed for it anyway. He's already been hurt before and is in no position to feel that way again. Boy cheats, Girl finds out. They break up. Now both are scorned...

This example may seem a little bit extreme. But there are different variations of it floating around daily. The point is this: Hurt people, hurt people. And scarred people act out for a lifetime. In most relationships, we have no choice but to carry the baggage from past ones around with us. Especially if we don't find a way to release previous baggage, i.e.- confront it. And sometimes the hurt is unintentional. So then who is wrong in those situations? Granted, there are definite no-no's in relationships. Or at least there should be. Those are the 'thou shall not cheat' 'thou shall not lie' 'thou shall not engage with others emotionally' 'thou shall confide in thine partner' ... yada yada yada. And granted, there are some people who will break those regardless. I'll get to those folks in a minute. But in situations where you feel like you have to protect yourself... and the other person feels they have to do the same... Who is at fault?

I guess in those cases, everyone is. When you get into a relationship, you should feel protected by your partner and he/she should feel equally protected by you. I have always said that in real relationships, each member is so busy taking care of their partner that they can almost forget to take care of themselves. But that is okay... because their partner feels the same way and therefore both backs are covered. This may seem extreme... But it is true. It just doesn't happen that way very often... Because everyone is busy looking out for themselves. And that type of relationship... The kind that I just spoke about takes a lot of things that people just aren't willing to give anymore... This cycle of expecting all of the bad and being incapable of recognizing any of the good is perpetuating itself through generations and I am not sure it can be stopped. It truly is the hurt felt round the world. Someone hurts you so you in turn shut yourself out or look out for self thus hurting someone else. They either then, turn that back around on you and shut down... OR turn around and hurt someone else in an attempt to keep from being hurt ... and so on and so forth.

I am in awe of those who have been capable of either stopping the cycle dead in its tracks or escaping it altogether. I know a few... And I just don't get it myself. We are a product of our environments... A true mark of our experiences... Tabula rasa... [[LOOK IT UP... I PROMISE IT WILL BLESS YOU]].... But I also feel like it comes from trusting yourself... and trusting God. Because through those, you can also learn to trust others and believe in them. You also adopt the belief that if someone is willing to do you wrong when you are treating them the way that one should... It won't be up to you to teach them a lesson... Life will do that. But that is so difficult to do... It really is.

Now back to THOSE people... The ones that hurt people intentionally... I realize more and more that it takes a special kind of person with a special set of circumstances to be this way. Fundamentally...I believe these people are the most hurt out of everyone. But that may be a different blog for a different day. And you can only hope that you aren't running into them... Unless you possess the necessary patience and skill to combat their arsenal. MOST do not... Because they don't change unless they truly find a reason to... And even then, old habits die hard. But there has to be a revival of faith somewhere. There has to be an end to this phenomenon. One whose power is strong enough to end this hurt felt round the world, and capable of healing the scars that it seems to be leaving in its tracks. Sometimes I think it can happen one situation... one relationship at a time. But I'm still not entirely sure that that's true. What is true, though... is that you can only live for you and your relationship. This concept of hurt people hurting people does not excuse ANYONE'S behavior. But it does provide a lens through which that behavior can be framed. And so, if you happen to meet someone, that you feel is worth the risk... and they seem to feel the same way about you... but they also seem a bit ... nervous or less than overzealous about the idea of re-opening themselves to the possibility of hurt [[which is exactly what they are doing]]... Try not to be so hard on them... It is a process and it does require reframing and restructuring and re-educating. And maybe it isn't worth it to even try... BUT if you find that it is... Keep in mind that it may be a hurt that you can help them out of by being the opposite and being the exception to the rule...

Just a thought...
Toodles until next time =)

One for Good Measure...

So this wasn't one of my planned blogs. In fact, I currently have like three in the making. But I wanted to weigh in on this before I forgot about it altogether.

I was searching for interesting blogs to read and came across one written by "smart black men" ... Or maybe it's just one man. I don't know. But I'm always intrigued by things like this... An educated man's perspective on basic things. Almost as intrigued as I am by the ignorant man's perspective. ALMOST!

Anyway, this guy decided to write on a topic that's really near and dear to me. Premarital Shacking. But I'm not sure he did it any real justice as a topic for discussion. I'm not sure I will either. But... Eh I guess that's the beauty of blogging.

Anyway... His main point for why people shouldn't live together before marrying was that you end up doing the awkward dance... You both want it to be over but you own space together (or are renting it)... You have joint bills, and you still have to deal with one another. This increases uncertainty of whether or not you should really move on, and makes doing so much more difficult in the event that the answer is yes.

This is all true.

But, I think thats so clear and a huge DUH moment for anyone with sense. I do not think it is THE reason to not live with a potential spouse before marriage. I did think that the gentleman's outline of the pro argument was a nice one. It gave him a hint of credibility. But I think that ultimately, living with someone is a completely different step in intimacy. Being together all the time, having sleep overs, having a drawer at his place... These are in no way equivalent to actually living with someone full time. And sometimes (even when you THINK that you are the easiest person in the world to live with)... You can find this process difficult. It takes work, and compromise, and settling, and self-awareness, and consideration, and so many of the things that any good relationship requires to even remain afloat with someone that you live with [in many situations]. We are talking about your haven, your safety zone, the place you should be able to go to escape the perils that life has a tendency to throw at you. And so, you probably take it personally. My point is that many of the disputes and disagreements you may get into with a significant other that are the result of bottled up frustration from him not putting the toilet seat down ever, or her not remembering to turn the lights out when she leaves a room... can result in a break-up. And break ups occur when you're just a couple, not a married couple. Therefore, it is much easier to leave. When you are married to someone, it takes something much bigger than a toilet seat or an extremely high electricity bill to disrupt the bond... or at least it should. So leaving in those situations, ending a marriage there...  would be silly.

Don't get me wrong... a couple worth its salt will most definitely argue over these things... But at the end of that argument... they will find themselves right back together because what they have is stronger than the pebbles thrown during a petty argument... [[shameless plug: MORE ON THIS IN THE UPCOMING "The Truth About Power Couples"]].... But why provoke it...? Why not save something for the sanctity of marriage? A friend of mine made a comment a while ago when referring to two of his friends that were living together and getting married... He basically asked what was going to be new and exciting for them at this point? After the wedding, they'd leave friends and family... go home and go to bed... wake up the next morning and just say hey to one another... And he was right. I just think that ultimately... the risk of normalcy leading to a desire to find something newer or less like the old might creep up if you give cause to it. And this is what happens when two people live together when unmarried. Doing so while engaged may have a bit more clout to it... But even then... I just don't agree with it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free...? Why get real and have a house when you can play it with all the added bonuses and none of the extra work? And then why enter into commitments with someone who you are expecting to be temporary...?

Therefore ... ONE unless you are sure of your relationship with someone, coupled with TWO trusting them and you fully (or as fully as possible)... Don't live with them pre-marriage. Especially since, even these things aren't guaranteed in matrimony... But that is a great place to start.

Things I'd like to do before it's all over...

This is all in addition to the usual: find my soul mate, be a bride, have kids, be happy, own a home, accomplish my goals, blah blah blah...


1. Visit the Eiffel Tower

2. Attend the Opera...

3. Live in a different country for at least a year

4. Take a couples' dance class

5. Adopt a child or a family or an animal

6. Help someone else realize how amazing they are

7. Eat an authentic Italian meal in Italy

8. Teach someone something useful

9. Snorkel

10. Learn to play a musical instrument

11. Learn to speak another language fluently (pref. Spanish)

12. Create something with my hands

13. Give back to those who have given to me in any capacity...

14. Write a book and publish it

15. Stand behind a worthy cause

16. Grow beyond my own expectation

17. Be charitable in my actions and my finances

18. Own a pair of stupidly expensive shoes (provided that I also own a home, vehicle, and have gainful employment first...unless they are a gift... ^_^)

19. Teach

20. Take a road trip or three