This is a lesson, or a group of lessons, that apply to all relationships. I have been toying with this topic for a while, and just didn't have the time to weigh in on it. I think, though, that I will frame this in terms of romantic entanglements, just because... So here goes:
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy back. They like one another immediately, and decide to try their hand at a relationship. They respect one another, and get along well. But ultimately they decide that they do not really fit. As a result, they have a conversation which results in the two agreeing to part ways... Peaceably. Boy moves on, and takes the things he learned from his past relationship with him; learning from it and using it to his advantage. Girl does the same. They both live happily ever.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!
How awesome would it be if this happened all of the time? If people really went through life this way...? Unfortunately, though, this is seldom the case. Instead ... it's usually a bit more like this:
Boy and Girl meet. Boy really likes girl, and decides that he wants to be with her. Girl likes boy, too. However this is the third or fourth "boy" that she has felt this way about. Boy one cheated, boy two was emotionally abusive and controlling, and boy three just lied... a lot. She agrees to date the new guy (Boy), because she believes that everyone deserves a chance. However, she in no way acknowledges that her past relationships are impacting the way she sees this new one. She believes she is over the past, but has a really difficult time trusting this new guy. Meanwhile, the new guy (Boy) was cheated on by his previous girlfriend who also used him for his cashflow. She consistently accused him of cheating and was extremely jealous of other women. As a result, he truly believed she cared and was devastated when he found out that it was she who was cheating on him. He felt like things could be different with this new lady, though. She seemed trustworthy and very sure of herself. After some time, though, Girl starts to suspect Boy is cheating. He is "working" a lot lately, seems to have a host of female friends, and sometimes disappears in the middle of text conversations. She remembers that her exes would all do similar things and wonders what other explanation there could possibly be. Girl then starts to question Boy which makes him feel a bout of deja vu as well. Boy now feels that 1.) Girl can only be acting this way because she is probably doing her own thing 2.) Girl already suspects that he's doing dirt so why not just start since he's being blamed for it anyway. He's already been hurt before and is in no position to feel that way again. Boy cheats, Girl finds out. They break up. Now both are scorned...
This example may seem a little bit extreme. But there are different variations of it floating around daily. The point is this: Hurt people, hurt people. And scarred people act out for a lifetime. In most relationships, we have no choice but to carry the baggage from past ones around with us. Especially if we don't find a way to release previous baggage, i.e.- confront it. And sometimes the hurt is unintentional. So then who is wrong in those situations? Granted, there are definite no-no's in relationships. Or at least there should be. Those are the 'thou shall not cheat' 'thou shall not lie' 'thou shall not engage with others emotionally' 'thou shall confide in thine partner' ... yada yada yada. And granted, there are some people who will break those regardless. I'll get to those folks in a minute. But in situations where you feel like you have to protect yourself... and the other person feels they have to do the same... Who is at fault?
I guess in those cases, everyone is. When you get into a relationship, you should feel protected by your partner and he/she should feel equally protected by you. I have always said that in real relationships, each member is so busy taking care of their partner that they can almost forget to take care of themselves. But that is okay... because their partner feels the same way and therefore both backs are covered. This may seem extreme... But it is true. It just doesn't happen that way very often... Because everyone is busy looking out for themselves. And that type of relationship... The kind that I just spoke about takes a lot of things that people just aren't willing to give anymore... This cycle of expecting all of the bad and being incapable of recognizing any of the good is perpetuating itself through generations and I am not sure it can be stopped. It truly is the hurt felt round the world. Someone hurts you so you in turn shut yourself out or look out for self thus hurting someone else. They either then, turn that back around on you and shut down... OR turn around and hurt someone else in an attempt to keep from being hurt ... and so on and so forth.
I am in awe of those who have been capable of either stopping the cycle dead in its tracks or escaping it altogether. I know a few... And I just don't get it myself. We are a product of our environments... A true mark of our experiences... Tabula rasa... [[LOOK IT UP... I PROMISE IT WILL BLESS YOU]].... But I also feel like it comes from trusting yourself... and trusting God. Because through those, you can also learn to trust others and believe in them. You also adopt the belief that if someone is willing to do you wrong when you are treating them the way that one should... It won't be up to you to teach them a lesson... Life will do that. But that is so difficult to do... It really is.
Now back to THOSE people... The ones that hurt people intentionally... I realize more and more that it takes a special kind of person with a special set of circumstances to be this way. Fundamentally...I believe these people are the most hurt out of everyone. But that may be a different blog for a different day. And you can only hope that you aren't running into them... Unless you possess the necessary patience and skill to combat their arsenal. MOST do not... Because they don't change unless they truly find a reason to... And even then, old habits die hard. But there has to be a revival of faith somewhere. There has to be an end to this phenomenon. One whose power is strong enough to end this hurt felt round the world, and capable of healing the scars that it seems to be leaving in its tracks. Sometimes I think it can happen one situation... one relationship at a time. But I'm still not entirely sure that that's true. What is true, though... is that you can only live for you and your relationship. This concept of hurt people hurting people does not excuse ANYONE'S behavior. But it does provide a lens through which that behavior can be framed. And so, if you happen to meet someone, that you feel is worth the risk... and they seem to feel the same way about you... but they also seem a bit ... nervous or less than overzealous about the idea of re-opening themselves to the possibility of hurt [[which is exactly what they are doing]]... Try not to be so hard on them... It is a process and it does require reframing and restructuring and re-educating. And maybe it isn't worth it to even try... BUT if you find that it is... Keep in mind that it may be a hurt that you can help them out of by being the opposite and being the exception to the rule...
Just a thought...
Toodles until next time =)
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
One for Good Measure...
So this wasn't one of my planned blogs. In fact, I currently have like three in the making. But I wanted to weigh in on this before I forgot about it altogether.
I was searching for interesting blogs to read and came across one written by "smart black men" ... Or maybe it's just one man. I don't know. But I'm always intrigued by things like this... An educated man's perspective on basic things. Almost as intrigued as I am by the ignorant man's perspective. ALMOST!
Anyway, this guy decided to write on a topic that's really near and dear to me. Premarital Shacking. But I'm not sure he did it any real justice as a topic for discussion. I'm not sure I will either. But... Eh I guess that's the beauty of blogging.
Anyway... His main point for why people shouldn't live together before marrying was that you end up doing the awkward dance... You both want it to be over but you own space together (or are renting it)... You have joint bills, and you still have to deal with one another. This increases uncertainty of whether or not you should really move on, and makes doing so much more difficult in the event that the answer is yes.
This is all true.
But, I think thats so clear and a huge DUH moment for anyone with sense. I do not think it is THE reason to not live with a potential spouse before marriage. I did think that the gentleman's outline of the pro argument was a nice one. It gave him a hint of credibility. But I think that ultimately, living with someone is a completely different step in intimacy. Being together all the time, having sleep overs, having a drawer at his place... These are in no way equivalent to actually living with someone full time. And sometimes (even when you THINK that you are the easiest person in the world to live with)... You can find this process difficult. It takes work, and compromise, and settling, and self-awareness, and consideration, and so many of the things that any good relationship requires to even remain afloat with someone that you live with [in many situations]. We are talking about your haven, your safety zone, the place you should be able to go to escape the perils that life has a tendency to throw at you. And so, you probably take it personally. My point is that many of the disputes and disagreements you may get into with a significant other that are the result of bottled up frustration from him not putting the toilet seat down ever, or her not remembering to turn the lights out when she leaves a room... can result in a break-up. And break ups occur when you're just a couple, not a married couple. Therefore, it is much easier to leave. When you are married to someone, it takes something much bigger than a toilet seat or an extremely high electricity bill to disrupt the bond... or at least it should. So leaving in those situations, ending a marriage there... would be silly.
Don't get me wrong... a couple worth its salt will most definitely argue over these things... But at the end of that argument... they will find themselves right back together because what they have is stronger than the pebbles thrown during a petty argument... [[shameless plug: MORE ON THIS IN THE UPCOMING "The Truth About Power Couples"]].... But why provoke it...? Why not save something for the sanctity of marriage? A friend of mine made a comment a while ago when referring to two of his friends that were living together and getting married... He basically asked what was going to be new and exciting for them at this point? After the wedding, they'd leave friends and family... go home and go to bed... wake up the next morning and just say hey to one another... And he was right. I just think that ultimately... the risk of normalcy leading to a desire to find something newer or less like the old might creep up if you give cause to it. And this is what happens when two people live together when unmarried. Doing so while engaged may have a bit more clout to it... But even then... I just don't agree with it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free...? Why get real and have a house when you can play it with all the added bonuses and none of the extra work? And then why enter into commitments with someone who you are expecting to be temporary...?
Therefore ... ONE unless you are sure of your relationship with someone, coupled with TWO trusting them and you fully (or as fully as possible)... Don't live with them pre-marriage. Especially since, even these things aren't guaranteed in matrimony... But that is a great place to start.
I was searching for interesting blogs to read and came across one written by "smart black men" ... Or maybe it's just one man. I don't know. But I'm always intrigued by things like this... An educated man's perspective on basic things. Almost as intrigued as I am by the ignorant man's perspective. ALMOST!
Anyway, this guy decided to write on a topic that's really near and dear to me. Premarital Shacking. But I'm not sure he did it any real justice as a topic for discussion. I'm not sure I will either. But... Eh I guess that's the beauty of blogging.
Anyway... His main point for why people shouldn't live together before marrying was that you end up doing the awkward dance... You both want it to be over but you own space together (or are renting it)... You have joint bills, and you still have to deal with one another. This increases uncertainty of whether or not you should really move on, and makes doing so much more difficult in the event that the answer is yes.
This is all true.
But, I think thats so clear and a huge DUH moment for anyone with sense. I do not think it is THE reason to not live with a potential spouse before marriage. I did think that the gentleman's outline of the pro argument was a nice one. It gave him a hint of credibility. But I think that ultimately, living with someone is a completely different step in intimacy. Being together all the time, having sleep overs, having a drawer at his place... These are in no way equivalent to actually living with someone full time. And sometimes (even when you THINK that you are the easiest person in the world to live with)... You can find this process difficult. It takes work, and compromise, and settling, and self-awareness, and consideration, and so many of the things that any good relationship requires to even remain afloat with someone that you live with [in many situations]. We are talking about your haven, your safety zone, the place you should be able to go to escape the perils that life has a tendency to throw at you. And so, you probably take it personally. My point is that many of the disputes and disagreements you may get into with a significant other that are the result of bottled up frustration from him not putting the toilet seat down ever, or her not remembering to turn the lights out when she leaves a room... can result in a break-up. And break ups occur when you're just a couple, not a married couple. Therefore, it is much easier to leave. When you are married to someone, it takes something much bigger than a toilet seat or an extremely high electricity bill to disrupt the bond... or at least it should. So leaving in those situations, ending a marriage there... would be silly.
Don't get me wrong... a couple worth its salt will most definitely argue over these things... But at the end of that argument... they will find themselves right back together because what they have is stronger than the pebbles thrown during a petty argument... [[shameless plug: MORE ON THIS IN THE UPCOMING "The Truth About Power Couples"]].... But why provoke it...? Why not save something for the sanctity of marriage? A friend of mine made a comment a while ago when referring to two of his friends that were living together and getting married... He basically asked what was going to be new and exciting for them at this point? After the wedding, they'd leave friends and family... go home and go to bed... wake up the next morning and just say hey to one another... And he was right. I just think that ultimately... the risk of normalcy leading to a desire to find something newer or less like the old might creep up if you give cause to it. And this is what happens when two people live together when unmarried. Doing so while engaged may have a bit more clout to it... But even then... I just don't agree with it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free...? Why get real and have a house when you can play it with all the added bonuses and none of the extra work? And then why enter into commitments with someone who you are expecting to be temporary...?
Therefore ... ONE unless you are sure of your relationship with someone, coupled with TWO trusting them and you fully (or as fully as possible)... Don't live with them pre-marriage. Especially since, even these things aren't guaranteed in matrimony... But that is a great place to start.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Things I'd like to do before it's all over...
This is all in addition to the usual: find my soul mate, be a bride, have kids, be happy, own a home, accomplish my goals, blah blah blah...
1. Visit the Eiffel Tower
2. Attend the Opera...
3. Live in a different country for at least a year
4. Take a couples' dance class
5. Adopt a child or a family or an animal
6. Help someone else realize how amazing they are
7. Eat an authentic Italian meal in Italy
8. Teach someone something useful
9. Snorkel
10. Learn to play a musical instrument
11. Learn to speak another language fluently (pref. Spanish)
12. Create something with my hands
13. Give back to those who have given to me in any capacity...
14. Write a book and publish it
15. Stand behind a worthy cause
16. Grow beyond my own expectation
17. Be charitable in my actions and my finances
18. Own a pair of stupidly expensive shoes (provided that I also own a home, vehicle, and have gainful employment first...unless they are a gift... ^_^)
19. Teach
20. Take a road trip or three
1. Visit the Eiffel Tower
2. Attend the Opera...
3. Live in a different country for at least a year
4. Take a couples' dance class
5. Adopt a child or a family or an animal
6. Help someone else realize how amazing they are
7. Eat an authentic Italian meal in Italy
8. Teach someone something useful
9. Snorkel
10. Learn to play a musical instrument
11. Learn to speak another language fluently (pref. Spanish)
12. Create something with my hands
13. Give back to those who have given to me in any capacity...
14. Write a book and publish it
15. Stand behind a worthy cause
16. Grow beyond my own expectation
17. Be charitable in my actions and my finances
18. Own a pair of stupidly expensive shoes (provided that I also own a home, vehicle, and have gainful employment first...unless they are a gift... ^_^)
19. Teach
20. Take a road trip or three
Friday, December 14, 2012
On things we should hold sacred... Yet don't
I often wonder why marriages and relationships in my generation don't work out anymore.... It's not that people don't get married or don't get into relationships. Because they do. Too often and too easily actually. Getting there seems to be the easy part while staying (more often than not) seems to be the fatal challenge.
But why? I really think that it has a lot to do with the "independent" nature of people today. No one needs anyone for anything. And even in the off event that you start to feel like you need a person, you go out of your way to make sure that person doesn't feel needed lol. It's usually subconscious but it's still funny. It begins and perpetuates a cycle. And ultimately it is that need to remain detached that ends relationships. Once you recognize that you don't really "need" that person... Or anyone for that matter... It becomes easier to walk away. It becomes more difficult to be humble and express humility.
Interesting thing is though... When you love someone.... I mean REALLY love someone... Something in you should change. I don't necessarily mean change the way they do when you start any other habit. And I don't mean change in response to comfort. I mean CHANGE. Things you used to enjoy don't hold as much fulfillment if they can't include that person in some way. You find yourself wondering how you felt so complete without this person when now that they are here you can't stand the image of a life without them.
I don't mean to say that you can't live your own life and enjoy things outside of their presence. But your life is a better, happier place because they are there. DESPITE the fact that there is nothing convenient about it. You have to shift things to make them fit. But you do so, gladly. You have to work at understanding them. But you are happy to do so because their happiness is linked to yours.
But these are not lessons for the immature. And it isn't something that can be rushed or forced. It is a partnership that people have to work at every day. But they do it... Or they did it... Because it was worth it. Because the return on investment was great. And that's the thing about love. The person you love, in that way, gives you something no one else can. As it should be. It is intimate. It is personalized. It is special. But if you don't let it develop, if you don't nurture it, it is sure to deteriorate like any other precious, sacred thing.
And when people brush past it, gloss over it, give up on it, walk away from it, it ceases to exist. And that's what I think it is. People don't hold love, commitment, values sacred anymore. Life is now every man and woman for him or herself. And it shows. It truly shows.
One of the most awesome things I've ever heard a man say about his wife was that she is the best thing about him. She smiled back and commented that his words were interesting because he makes her better. They are an older couple. Together for over forty years. And I'm sure they have been through it. But they still hold hands. They still laugh together. They still give each other butterflies. He doesn't feel like any less of a man for recognizing that he doesn't deserve her, and yet is blessed with her anyway. It's almost like he's driven by that. And she has no problem acknowledging him as the man and as her everything. She loses nothing because she has it all. They appreciate one another. They encourage one another. And most importantly, they are best friends.
What they have is rare. But it's so warming to be around. And it's clear that they work on it daily.
I want that one day. But the thing is... You have to find someone else who wants it too. I don't think it's impossible. But it's definitely a feat. Especially in a time where it makes more sense to find something better than to stay cultivate something that will last.
Meh. More to come =)
But why? I really think that it has a lot to do with the "independent" nature of people today. No one needs anyone for anything. And even in the off event that you start to feel like you need a person, you go out of your way to make sure that person doesn't feel needed lol. It's usually subconscious but it's still funny. It begins and perpetuates a cycle. And ultimately it is that need to remain detached that ends relationships. Once you recognize that you don't really "need" that person... Or anyone for that matter... It becomes easier to walk away. It becomes more difficult to be humble and express humility.
Interesting thing is though... When you love someone.... I mean REALLY love someone... Something in you should change. I don't necessarily mean change the way they do when you start any other habit. And I don't mean change in response to comfort. I mean CHANGE. Things you used to enjoy don't hold as much fulfillment if they can't include that person in some way. You find yourself wondering how you felt so complete without this person when now that they are here you can't stand the image of a life without them.
I don't mean to say that you can't live your own life and enjoy things outside of their presence. But your life is a better, happier place because they are there. DESPITE the fact that there is nothing convenient about it. You have to shift things to make them fit. But you do so, gladly. You have to work at understanding them. But you are happy to do so because their happiness is linked to yours.
But these are not lessons for the immature. And it isn't something that can be rushed or forced. It is a partnership that people have to work at every day. But they do it... Or they did it... Because it was worth it. Because the return on investment was great. And that's the thing about love. The person you love, in that way, gives you something no one else can. As it should be. It is intimate. It is personalized. It is special. But if you don't let it develop, if you don't nurture it, it is sure to deteriorate like any other precious, sacred thing.
And when people brush past it, gloss over it, give up on it, walk away from it, it ceases to exist. And that's what I think it is. People don't hold love, commitment, values sacred anymore. Life is now every man and woman for him or herself. And it shows. It truly shows.
One of the most awesome things I've ever heard a man say about his wife was that she is the best thing about him. She smiled back and commented that his words were interesting because he makes her better. They are an older couple. Together for over forty years. And I'm sure they have been through it. But they still hold hands. They still laugh together. They still give each other butterflies. He doesn't feel like any less of a man for recognizing that he doesn't deserve her, and yet is blessed with her anyway. It's almost like he's driven by that. And she has no problem acknowledging him as the man and as her everything. She loses nothing because she has it all. They appreciate one another. They encourage one another. And most importantly, they are best friends.
What they have is rare. But it's so warming to be around. And it's clear that they work on it daily.
I want that one day. But the thing is... You have to find someone else who wants it too. I don't think it's impossible. But it's definitely a feat. Especially in a time where it makes more sense to find something better than to stay cultivate something that will last.
Meh. More to come =)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Assignment
So... I had an assignment that I had to write for one of my favorite classes the other day... And I decided that I wanted to share it here because, as most of those assignments tend to be, this one was extremely reflective.
What I usually do for these is just write them as I think about them and be done with them. This way I get a very raw depiction of my thoughts on whatever questions are posed. I run back through for grammatical errors, but my thoughts are my thoughts and I usually leave them be.
Anyway, without further adieu ... Here you are.... (I posted the questions and answers just for clarity)
Do you think that human beings are by nature altruistic or egoistic? Why?
I ultimately believe that human beings are innately good and have an innate desire to care for others or be altruistic. I believe in the Bible which means that I do believe in Adam and Eve and their relationship. Many see that story as a woman’s eternal demise of man. However, I see it as two people thinking they were doing what it took to take care of one another. Each blatantly disobeyed God, yes undoubtedly. But they were also doing what they thought was best for one another. To me, their sin was in trusting their own thoughts and opinions of what that was over trusting God’s, which is a different story altogether. I also believe that because of the way men and women relate to one another, and relate to their offspring. When someone is extremely selfish toward their offspring specifically, most people take notice because it seems to go against nature in the eyes of most. Society is constantly at odds about whether or not it is the role of the strong to take care of the week or give everyone a chance to take care of themselves. However to me, even this comes from a fear of not being able to take care of one’s own family appropriately for the sake of taking care of someone else’s. Most of my friends see me as insanely optimistic and always seeing the good in others. I guess this is somewhat true.
How would you describe yourself – do you usually see the glass as being half full (optimistic), or half empty (pessimistic)? Briefly explain what it is about you that prompted your choice of an answer.
I always have a way of answering these questions prematurely, but as I stated I see myself similarly to the way that those who know me best do. I try to see the glass half full, specifically when it comes to others. I am a service vessel. I have dedicated my life to helping others to be the best people they are capable of being. And in order to help with that, I have to believe even when they do not sometimes. And I am okay with that. I am not sure if this always translates appropriately to the way that I view my own personal life. But I am also often torn between who I am as a clinician/professional and who I am on a personal level. In many ways the two are the same. But in some they differ. For others, I am always willing to see the best and view them in a more positive light than they necessarily deserve but I believe everyone deserves that someone who will believe in them unconditionally. Personally though, I am my own worst critic and am often harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. This is a phenomenon that I have always found to be interesting. I am not sure that I will ever grow from that. I always believe I can be better, and this has made me strive for more and never really accept no as an answer unless I am the one saying it. But that may also translate into me seeing my own glass differently than I see that of others.
Compassion, kindness and care are traits that are not only associated with being a professional counselor but they occur all around us everyday. The problem is that we tend not to notice the positive aspects of human behavior. We usually don’t notice courtesy but we do notice rudeness. We notice cruelty but don’t notice kindness. We sense danger but usually not a sense of safety. And it seems that more and more the media only focuses on bad behavior
The bit about understanding and seeing the positives in human behavior is something that I understand all too well. My gift and my curse is that I will always choose the other person over myself. This is a debate that my best friend and I have all the time. She always says that I am likely to die overexerting myself for someone who does not deserve it and she is likely to go to jail for reviving me then killing me again. It is our tidbit, and I promise it occurs once a month. I am usually the person who overlooks a person’s faults while she will usually notice them immediately in deciding whether or not she will choose to deal with them. I don’t think either of us has it completely figured out. My goal though, is usually to find a balance. I could do a better job of noting someone’s fault and not only focusing on the positive because that can be equally as dangerous.
Find a place where there are people interacting – whether at school, at work, out in public etc and observe/pay attention (people watch) and identify two instances that you believe are good examples of compassion, kindness or caring.
Write a one page reflection/observation about each example - what happened?
Why do people bother being kind, courteous or compassionate? What are the rewards/benefits? Are there any costs?
I think people choose to be kind/compassionate/courteous for several reasons. The main two I have found are that people believe it is the right thing to do and believe in the consequence of not doing so (aka karma). I also think that some do the right thing because they feel they are being judged on their behavior. [I realized in re-reading this that I could have said more about costs and benefits... but meh]
Kind act number one (names have been changed to protect the selfless):
I did not have to go very far to find my first example of kindness. I was out on a date getting food with Jay. Before the meal, we passed a homeless man who was begging for anything that anyone could spare. Jay felt really bad about not having any spare cash on him and was markedly impacted by his inability to help this man. I never asked why it was so important, mainly because I have seen him impacted this way before in a very similar situation. I do not even think I was caught off guard by his reaction because it is somewhat normal behavior for him. At any rate, we enjoy our meal and I do not usually finish my dinner so I am normally the only one leaving with a doggy-bag. On our way out, we passed the same homeless man and Jay was immediately struck by the fact that we were passing the same person. We walked several paces before he stopped me and said, “I know you and you’re probably not going to think about this burger tomorrow. Can I take it and give it to this man?”
I consider myself to be a pretty giving person, but that thought had not even occurred to me. I even had a slight pang of jealousy/regret for not thinking of it first. I just looked at him, so impressed and replied with a yes. He ran back with huge grin on his face and I watched as he offered the gentleman the remainder of my meal and reflected on how right he was. I was not going to eat this food, and it might have ended up cold and in a trashcan. I also watched as he chatted the gentleman up wondering what they were saying to one another and hoping that the gentleman was as appreciative of his deed as I was.
When he returned to join me, I just smiled and said “That was so selfless of you.” I am still smiling and blown away by his kindness. There was no reason for him to do it. He certainly was not trying to impress me. We have been past that point in our relationship. It was just... refreshing.
Kind Act number two (no name changes necessary):
I was on campus reading before class. I sat near the new pretzel shop (Auntie Annie’s) in the Marvin Center. While sitting, I decided to do a bit of people watching because it actually is one of my favorite activities. Usually I am wondering what people are thinking while they mosey. But this day, I was sort of on a mission. Something good, kindhearted, compassionate, or selfless. It took a few minutes to spot it. Students were running back and forth to and fro busily. Suddenly, a young lady dropped a small book that she did not seem to notice. She was hurrying on her way. Because the hallways were so crowded, I doubt that the book even made a sound. And if it did, I am positive she did not hear it. Just as I was lifting to try and get her attention to let her know, another girl grabbed the book and shifted around to see what it was and who it belonged to. She stopped what she was doing and chased the other girl down to return the book to her.
I just thought to myself, “How often does that really happen? How often do people sacrifice their own time for someone else?” And though this example is small, the girl who found the book could have very well left it there. No one could have blamed her. But I think she noticed it and felt obligated to return it. I imagine she considered what she would have felt like losing a book and not knowing where to look for it. She also could have been later to her destination trying to find the book’s owner. But she did the nice thing. Not even necessarily the right thing. But certainly the nice thing.
What I usually do for these is just write them as I think about them and be done with them. This way I get a very raw depiction of my thoughts on whatever questions are posed. I run back through for grammatical errors, but my thoughts are my thoughts and I usually leave them be.
Anyway, without further adieu ... Here you are.... (I posted the questions and answers just for clarity)
Do you think that human beings are by nature altruistic or egoistic? Why?
I ultimately believe that human beings are innately good and have an innate desire to care for others or be altruistic. I believe in the Bible which means that I do believe in Adam and Eve and their relationship. Many see that story as a woman’s eternal demise of man. However, I see it as two people thinking they were doing what it took to take care of one another. Each blatantly disobeyed God, yes undoubtedly. But they were also doing what they thought was best for one another. To me, their sin was in trusting their own thoughts and opinions of what that was over trusting God’s, which is a different story altogether. I also believe that because of the way men and women relate to one another, and relate to their offspring. When someone is extremely selfish toward their offspring specifically, most people take notice because it seems to go against nature in the eyes of most. Society is constantly at odds about whether or not it is the role of the strong to take care of the week or give everyone a chance to take care of themselves. However to me, even this comes from a fear of not being able to take care of one’s own family appropriately for the sake of taking care of someone else’s. Most of my friends see me as insanely optimistic and always seeing the good in others. I guess this is somewhat true.
How would you describe yourself – do you usually see the glass as being half full (optimistic), or half empty (pessimistic)? Briefly explain what it is about you that prompted your choice of an answer.
I always have a way of answering these questions prematurely, but as I stated I see myself similarly to the way that those who know me best do. I try to see the glass half full, specifically when it comes to others. I am a service vessel. I have dedicated my life to helping others to be the best people they are capable of being. And in order to help with that, I have to believe even when they do not sometimes. And I am okay with that. I am not sure if this always translates appropriately to the way that I view my own personal life. But I am also often torn between who I am as a clinician/professional and who I am on a personal level. In many ways the two are the same. But in some they differ. For others, I am always willing to see the best and view them in a more positive light than they necessarily deserve but I believe everyone deserves that someone who will believe in them unconditionally. Personally though, I am my own worst critic and am often harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. This is a phenomenon that I have always found to be interesting. I am not sure that I will ever grow from that. I always believe I can be better, and this has made me strive for more and never really accept no as an answer unless I am the one saying it. But that may also translate into me seeing my own glass differently than I see that of others.
Compassion, kindness and care are traits that are not only associated with being a professional counselor but they occur all around us everyday. The problem is that we tend not to notice the positive aspects of human behavior. We usually don’t notice courtesy but we do notice rudeness. We notice cruelty but don’t notice kindness. We sense danger but usually not a sense of safety. And it seems that more and more the media only focuses on bad behavior
The bit about understanding and seeing the positives in human behavior is something that I understand all too well. My gift and my curse is that I will always choose the other person over myself. This is a debate that my best friend and I have all the time. She always says that I am likely to die overexerting myself for someone who does not deserve it and she is likely to go to jail for reviving me then killing me again. It is our tidbit, and I promise it occurs once a month. I am usually the person who overlooks a person’s faults while she will usually notice them immediately in deciding whether or not she will choose to deal with them. I don’t think either of us has it completely figured out. My goal though, is usually to find a balance. I could do a better job of noting someone’s fault and not only focusing on the positive because that can be equally as dangerous.
Find a place where there are people interacting – whether at school, at work, out in public etc and observe/pay attention (people watch) and identify two instances that you believe are good examples of compassion, kindness or caring.
Write a one page reflection/observation about each example - what happened?
Why do people bother being kind, courteous or compassionate? What are the rewards/benefits? Are there any costs?
I think people choose to be kind/compassionate/courteous for several reasons. The main two I have found are that people believe it is the right thing to do and believe in the consequence of not doing so (aka karma). I also think that some do the right thing because they feel they are being judged on their behavior. [I realized in re-reading this that I could have said more about costs and benefits... but meh]
Kind act number one (names have been changed to protect the selfless):
I did not have to go very far to find my first example of kindness. I was out on a date getting food with Jay. Before the meal, we passed a homeless man who was begging for anything that anyone could spare. Jay felt really bad about not having any spare cash on him and was markedly impacted by his inability to help this man. I never asked why it was so important, mainly because I have seen him impacted this way before in a very similar situation. I do not even think I was caught off guard by his reaction because it is somewhat normal behavior for him. At any rate, we enjoy our meal and I do not usually finish my dinner so I am normally the only one leaving with a doggy-bag. On our way out, we passed the same homeless man and Jay was immediately struck by the fact that we were passing the same person. We walked several paces before he stopped me and said, “I know you and you’re probably not going to think about this burger tomorrow. Can I take it and give it to this man?”
I consider myself to be a pretty giving person, but that thought had not even occurred to me. I even had a slight pang of jealousy/regret for not thinking of it first. I just looked at him, so impressed and replied with a yes. He ran back with huge grin on his face and I watched as he offered the gentleman the remainder of my meal and reflected on how right he was. I was not going to eat this food, and it might have ended up cold and in a trashcan. I also watched as he chatted the gentleman up wondering what they were saying to one another and hoping that the gentleman was as appreciative of his deed as I was.
When he returned to join me, I just smiled and said “That was so selfless of you.” I am still smiling and blown away by his kindness. There was no reason for him to do it. He certainly was not trying to impress me. We have been past that point in our relationship. It was just... refreshing.
Kind Act number two (no name changes necessary):
I was on campus reading before class. I sat near the new pretzel shop (Auntie Annie’s) in the Marvin Center. While sitting, I decided to do a bit of people watching because it actually is one of my favorite activities. Usually I am wondering what people are thinking while they mosey. But this day, I was sort of on a mission. Something good, kindhearted, compassionate, or selfless. It took a few minutes to spot it. Students were running back and forth to and fro busily. Suddenly, a young lady dropped a small book that she did not seem to notice. She was hurrying on her way. Because the hallways were so crowded, I doubt that the book even made a sound. And if it did, I am positive she did not hear it. Just as I was lifting to try and get her attention to let her know, another girl grabbed the book and shifted around to see what it was and who it belonged to. She stopped what she was doing and chased the other girl down to return the book to her.
I just thought to myself, “How often does that really happen? How often do people sacrifice their own time for someone else?” And though this example is small, the girl who found the book could have very well left it there. No one could have blamed her. But I think she noticed it and felt obligated to return it. I imagine she considered what she would have felt like losing a book and not knowing where to look for it. She also could have been later to her destination trying to find the book’s owner. But she did the nice thing. Not even necessarily the right thing. But certainly the nice thing.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Sexual incongruence?
Disclaimer: This blog was supposed to have a completely different title. I have been putting it off for weeks now, and when I finally thought to remind myself to do it... I had forgotten what I wanted to call it. #judgeme
Okay so... here's the thing... Several of my friends and acquaintances have been discussing this concept of "bad sex partners" and dudes who just "do it wrong"... And this commentary is usually coming from males themselves. Based on the conversations that females either have with them... or conversations that they have overheard. So I thought this would be something interesting to discuss because I never really know what men are thinking when it comes to sex...
One of my friends tweeted recently that "If a [n-word]'s goal is not to make his lady orgasm as many times as she is capable of doing so in the time allotted for their sexual encounter" he is doing something wrong and the chick will talk about him poorly to all of her friends. Another of my friends tweeted that he thinks [n-word]s just pound until they can't anymore and call it a day"... In both of these cases lol, it seems that both think that someone is getting it wrong. But I also wonder what people who think that way would do to rectify the situation.
Sex seems to be such a taboo topic for discourse in male-female relationships. Even if you are not planning on keeping a female around for long periods of time, Gentlemen, you should still follow the rule of reciprocity. I'm positive it will serve you well. Now, if you do not know what this is... I have no problem explaining it as I TRULY do not understand why most men do not think this way... And I know that several don't because I have had several conversations that have made this very clear to me. Anyway, the rule of reciprocity with MOST women says that if you do what it takes to please her, your pleasure will know very few limits. I know for a fact this is the general school of thought for most Aquarians [to a much stronger degree]... But on a very basic level, it is also the rule of thumb for most women. Even in the most simple situation... if you find out what a woman likes, and put effort into accurately delivering it... she will come back even if only for the peen. FACT!
The problem is that most men, and women, think that they have sex down pact for all members within their radius of attraction. But that's not true. How do you know what someone wants or likes if you don't ask or find some method of discovery? And then, many men think that they are able to tell what turns a woman on or tickles her fancy by paying attention to what she says or how she responds to you. Little known fact... If a woman is into a man... she will say and do whatever is necessary to make him feel good. My point? You cannot rely solely on the things that you think are tell-tell signs simply because you would rather avoid what could result in an awkward conversation. It doesn't serve either of you well. No two people are created equally. Therefore the next may not like what turned the last on, and so on and so forth. The only way you can really find out what gets a person moving, is to inquire within. Ask her what she likes... tell her what you like... Discuss her turn-ons and more importantly her turn-offs... Keep her interested and get more interested.... And how would you even KNOW how sexually congruent you are with a person otherwise?
That being said. sex should be a negotiation of things that work for both parties. It becomes exponentially more challenging, yet straight forward once you are in a monogamous relationship because then you have several other variables to tend to... Yet you're only doing these things with ONE person...
And if you decide not to take into account what makes her body tick... you are by definition a selfish lover. Now there are obviously cases where someone would not care if they are being labeled a selfish lover. But clearly this information is not really for them. More so, it is for those who truly think their game is tight...and yet aren't taking the steps necessary to insure that this is correct.
Every woman is wired differently... and this may or may not be the case for every man as well. For instance, sex is purely psychological for some women while for others it is all physical, and others may experience variations of combinations of the two. So... I am all for experimenting. But I am even more in favor of simply asking the person... That is of course... if he/she is someone that you would prefer to keep around. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and bring joy to those who experience it. Opening up the lines of communication can truly improve the chances of meeting that goal for all parties involved.
More to come later I suppose... holler!
Okay so... here's the thing... Several of my friends and acquaintances have been discussing this concept of "bad sex partners" and dudes who just "do it wrong"... And this commentary is usually coming from males themselves. Based on the conversations that females either have with them... or conversations that they have overheard. So I thought this would be something interesting to discuss because I never really know what men are thinking when it comes to sex...
One of my friends tweeted recently that "If a [n-word]'s goal is not to make his lady orgasm as many times as she is capable of doing so in the time allotted for their sexual encounter" he is doing something wrong and the chick will talk about him poorly to all of her friends. Another of my friends tweeted that he thinks [n-word]s just pound until they can't anymore and call it a day"... In both of these cases lol, it seems that both think that someone is getting it wrong. But I also wonder what people who think that way would do to rectify the situation.
Sex seems to be such a taboo topic for discourse in male-female relationships. Even if you are not planning on keeping a female around for long periods of time, Gentlemen, you should still follow the rule of reciprocity. I'm positive it will serve you well. Now, if you do not know what this is... I have no problem explaining it as I TRULY do not understand why most men do not think this way... And I know that several don't because I have had several conversations that have made this very clear to me. Anyway, the rule of reciprocity with MOST women says that if you do what it takes to please her, your pleasure will know very few limits. I know for a fact this is the general school of thought for most Aquarians [to a much stronger degree]... But on a very basic level, it is also the rule of thumb for most women. Even in the most simple situation... if you find out what a woman likes, and put effort into accurately delivering it... she will come back even if only for the peen. FACT!
The problem is that most men, and women, think that they have sex down pact for all members within their radius of attraction. But that's not true. How do you know what someone wants or likes if you don't ask or find some method of discovery? And then, many men think that they are able to tell what turns a woman on or tickles her fancy by paying attention to what she says or how she responds to you. Little known fact... If a woman is into a man... she will say and do whatever is necessary to make him feel good. My point? You cannot rely solely on the things that you think are tell-tell signs simply because you would rather avoid what could result in an awkward conversation. It doesn't serve either of you well. No two people are created equally. Therefore the next may not like what turned the last on, and so on and so forth. The only way you can really find out what gets a person moving, is to inquire within. Ask her what she likes... tell her what you like... Discuss her turn-ons and more importantly her turn-offs... Keep her interested and get more interested.... And how would you even KNOW how sexually congruent you are with a person otherwise?
That being said. sex should be a negotiation of things that work for both parties. It becomes exponentially more challenging, yet straight forward once you are in a monogamous relationship because then you have several other variables to tend to... Yet you're only doing these things with ONE person...
And if you decide not to take into account what makes her body tick... you are by definition a selfish lover. Now there are obviously cases where someone would not care if they are being labeled a selfish lover. But clearly this information is not really for them. More so, it is for those who truly think their game is tight...and yet aren't taking the steps necessary to insure that this is correct.
Every woman is wired differently... and this may or may not be the case for every man as well. For instance, sex is purely psychological for some women while for others it is all physical, and others may experience variations of combinations of the two. So... I am all for experimenting. But I am even more in favor of simply asking the person... That is of course... if he/she is someone that you would prefer to keep around. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and bring joy to those who experience it. Opening up the lines of communication can truly improve the chances of meeting that goal for all parties involved.
More to come later I suppose... holler!
The Pursuit of Perfection
So... This along with my next blog (Sexual Incongruence) have been in edit mode for the past several weeks... Between school and work and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life... My blog and thoughts have suffered. So My mission for the next hour at work is to crank these thoughts out so that I can get on to newer and more current thoughts...
So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?
My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.
Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.
Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word? 2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?
I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...
You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?
So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?
Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol
And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?
I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...
So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?
My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.
Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.
Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word? 2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?
I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...
You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?
So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?
Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol
And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?
I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...
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