I often wonder why marriages and relationships in my generation don't work out anymore.... It's not that people don't get married or don't get into relationships. Because they do. Too often and too easily actually. Getting there seems to be the easy part while staying (more often than not) seems to be the fatal challenge.
But why? I really think that it has a lot to do with the "independent" nature of people today. No one needs anyone for anything. And even in the off event that you start to feel like you need a person, you go out of your way to make sure that person doesn't feel needed lol. It's usually subconscious but it's still funny. It begins and perpetuates a cycle. And ultimately it is that need to remain detached that ends relationships. Once you recognize that you don't really "need" that person... Or anyone for that matter... It becomes easier to walk away. It becomes more difficult to be humble and express humility.
Interesting thing is though... When you love someone.... I mean REALLY love someone... Something in you should change. I don't necessarily mean change the way they do when you start any other habit. And I don't mean change in response to comfort. I mean CHANGE. Things you used to enjoy don't hold as much fulfillment if they can't include that person in some way. You find yourself wondering how you felt so complete without this person when now that they are here you can't stand the image of a life without them.
I don't mean to say that you can't live your own life and enjoy things outside of their presence. But your life is a better, happier place because they are there. DESPITE the fact that there is nothing convenient about it. You have to shift things to make them fit. But you do so, gladly. You have to work at understanding them. But you are happy to do so because their happiness is linked to yours.
But these are not lessons for the immature. And it isn't something that can be rushed or forced. It is a partnership that people have to work at every day. But they do it... Or they did it... Because it was worth it. Because the return on investment was great. And that's the thing about love. The person you love, in that way, gives you something no one else can. As it should be. It is intimate. It is personalized. It is special. But if you don't let it develop, if you don't nurture it, it is sure to deteriorate like any other precious, sacred thing.
And when people brush past it, gloss over it, give up on it, walk away from it, it ceases to exist. And that's what I think it is. People don't hold love, commitment, values sacred anymore. Life is now every man and woman for him or herself. And it shows. It truly shows.
One of the most awesome things I've ever heard a man say about his wife was that she is the best thing about him. She smiled back and commented that his words were interesting because he makes her better. They are an older couple. Together for over forty years. And I'm sure they have been through it. But they still hold hands. They still laugh together. They still give each other butterflies. He doesn't feel like any less of a man for recognizing that he doesn't deserve her, and yet is blessed with her anyway. It's almost like he's driven by that. And she has no problem acknowledging him as the man and as her everything. She loses nothing because she has it all. They appreciate one another. They encourage one another. And most importantly, they are best friends.
What they have is rare. But it's so warming to be around. And it's clear that they work on it daily.
I want that one day. But the thing is... You have to find someone else who wants it too. I don't think it's impossible. But it's definitely a feat. Especially in a time where it makes more sense to find something better than to stay cultivate something that will last.
Meh. More to come =)
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Assignment
So... I had an assignment that I had to write for one of my favorite classes the other day... And I decided that I wanted to share it here because, as most of those assignments tend to be, this one was extremely reflective.
What I usually do for these is just write them as I think about them and be done with them. This way I get a very raw depiction of my thoughts on whatever questions are posed. I run back through for grammatical errors, but my thoughts are my thoughts and I usually leave them be.
Anyway, without further adieu ... Here you are.... (I posted the questions and answers just for clarity)
Do you think that human beings are by nature altruistic or egoistic? Why?
I ultimately believe that human beings are innately good and have an innate desire to care for others or be altruistic. I believe in the Bible which means that I do believe in Adam and Eve and their relationship. Many see that story as a woman’s eternal demise of man. However, I see it as two people thinking they were doing what it took to take care of one another. Each blatantly disobeyed God, yes undoubtedly. But they were also doing what they thought was best for one another. To me, their sin was in trusting their own thoughts and opinions of what that was over trusting God’s, which is a different story altogether. I also believe that because of the way men and women relate to one another, and relate to their offspring. When someone is extremely selfish toward their offspring specifically, most people take notice because it seems to go against nature in the eyes of most. Society is constantly at odds about whether or not it is the role of the strong to take care of the week or give everyone a chance to take care of themselves. However to me, even this comes from a fear of not being able to take care of one’s own family appropriately for the sake of taking care of someone else’s. Most of my friends see me as insanely optimistic and always seeing the good in others. I guess this is somewhat true.
How would you describe yourself – do you usually see the glass as being half full (optimistic), or half empty (pessimistic)? Briefly explain what it is about you that prompted your choice of an answer.
I always have a way of answering these questions prematurely, but as I stated I see myself similarly to the way that those who know me best do. I try to see the glass half full, specifically when it comes to others. I am a service vessel. I have dedicated my life to helping others to be the best people they are capable of being. And in order to help with that, I have to believe even when they do not sometimes. And I am okay with that. I am not sure if this always translates appropriately to the way that I view my own personal life. But I am also often torn between who I am as a clinician/professional and who I am on a personal level. In many ways the two are the same. But in some they differ. For others, I am always willing to see the best and view them in a more positive light than they necessarily deserve but I believe everyone deserves that someone who will believe in them unconditionally. Personally though, I am my own worst critic and am often harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. This is a phenomenon that I have always found to be interesting. I am not sure that I will ever grow from that. I always believe I can be better, and this has made me strive for more and never really accept no as an answer unless I am the one saying it. But that may also translate into me seeing my own glass differently than I see that of others.
Compassion, kindness and care are traits that are not only associated with being a professional counselor but they occur all around us everyday. The problem is that we tend not to notice the positive aspects of human behavior. We usually don’t notice courtesy but we do notice rudeness. We notice cruelty but don’t notice kindness. We sense danger but usually not a sense of safety. And it seems that more and more the media only focuses on bad behavior
The bit about understanding and seeing the positives in human behavior is something that I understand all too well. My gift and my curse is that I will always choose the other person over myself. This is a debate that my best friend and I have all the time. She always says that I am likely to die overexerting myself for someone who does not deserve it and she is likely to go to jail for reviving me then killing me again. It is our tidbit, and I promise it occurs once a month. I am usually the person who overlooks a person’s faults while she will usually notice them immediately in deciding whether or not she will choose to deal with them. I don’t think either of us has it completely figured out. My goal though, is usually to find a balance. I could do a better job of noting someone’s fault and not only focusing on the positive because that can be equally as dangerous.
Find a place where there are people interacting – whether at school, at work, out in public etc and observe/pay attention (people watch) and identify two instances that you believe are good examples of compassion, kindness or caring.
Write a one page reflection/observation about each example - what happened?
Why do people bother being kind, courteous or compassionate? What are the rewards/benefits? Are there any costs?
I think people choose to be kind/compassionate/courteous for several reasons. The main two I have found are that people believe it is the right thing to do and believe in the consequence of not doing so (aka karma). I also think that some do the right thing because they feel they are being judged on their behavior. [I realized in re-reading this that I could have said more about costs and benefits... but meh]
Kind act number one (names have been changed to protect the selfless):
I did not have to go very far to find my first example of kindness. I was out on a date getting food with Jay. Before the meal, we passed a homeless man who was begging for anything that anyone could spare. Jay felt really bad about not having any spare cash on him and was markedly impacted by his inability to help this man. I never asked why it was so important, mainly because I have seen him impacted this way before in a very similar situation. I do not even think I was caught off guard by his reaction because it is somewhat normal behavior for him. At any rate, we enjoy our meal and I do not usually finish my dinner so I am normally the only one leaving with a doggy-bag. On our way out, we passed the same homeless man and Jay was immediately struck by the fact that we were passing the same person. We walked several paces before he stopped me and said, “I know you and you’re probably not going to think about this burger tomorrow. Can I take it and give it to this man?”
I consider myself to be a pretty giving person, but that thought had not even occurred to me. I even had a slight pang of jealousy/regret for not thinking of it first. I just looked at him, so impressed and replied with a yes. He ran back with huge grin on his face and I watched as he offered the gentleman the remainder of my meal and reflected on how right he was. I was not going to eat this food, and it might have ended up cold and in a trashcan. I also watched as he chatted the gentleman up wondering what they were saying to one another and hoping that the gentleman was as appreciative of his deed as I was.
When he returned to join me, I just smiled and said “That was so selfless of you.” I am still smiling and blown away by his kindness. There was no reason for him to do it. He certainly was not trying to impress me. We have been past that point in our relationship. It was just... refreshing.
Kind Act number two (no name changes necessary):
I was on campus reading before class. I sat near the new pretzel shop (Auntie Annie’s) in the Marvin Center. While sitting, I decided to do a bit of people watching because it actually is one of my favorite activities. Usually I am wondering what people are thinking while they mosey. But this day, I was sort of on a mission. Something good, kindhearted, compassionate, or selfless. It took a few minutes to spot it. Students were running back and forth to and fro busily. Suddenly, a young lady dropped a small book that she did not seem to notice. She was hurrying on her way. Because the hallways were so crowded, I doubt that the book even made a sound. And if it did, I am positive she did not hear it. Just as I was lifting to try and get her attention to let her know, another girl grabbed the book and shifted around to see what it was and who it belonged to. She stopped what she was doing and chased the other girl down to return the book to her.
I just thought to myself, “How often does that really happen? How often do people sacrifice their own time for someone else?” And though this example is small, the girl who found the book could have very well left it there. No one could have blamed her. But I think she noticed it and felt obligated to return it. I imagine she considered what she would have felt like losing a book and not knowing where to look for it. She also could have been later to her destination trying to find the book’s owner. But she did the nice thing. Not even necessarily the right thing. But certainly the nice thing.
What I usually do for these is just write them as I think about them and be done with them. This way I get a very raw depiction of my thoughts on whatever questions are posed. I run back through for grammatical errors, but my thoughts are my thoughts and I usually leave them be.
Anyway, without further adieu ... Here you are.... (I posted the questions and answers just for clarity)
Do you think that human beings are by nature altruistic or egoistic? Why?
I ultimately believe that human beings are innately good and have an innate desire to care for others or be altruistic. I believe in the Bible which means that I do believe in Adam and Eve and their relationship. Many see that story as a woman’s eternal demise of man. However, I see it as two people thinking they were doing what it took to take care of one another. Each blatantly disobeyed God, yes undoubtedly. But they were also doing what they thought was best for one another. To me, their sin was in trusting their own thoughts and opinions of what that was over trusting God’s, which is a different story altogether. I also believe that because of the way men and women relate to one another, and relate to their offspring. When someone is extremely selfish toward their offspring specifically, most people take notice because it seems to go against nature in the eyes of most. Society is constantly at odds about whether or not it is the role of the strong to take care of the week or give everyone a chance to take care of themselves. However to me, even this comes from a fear of not being able to take care of one’s own family appropriately for the sake of taking care of someone else’s. Most of my friends see me as insanely optimistic and always seeing the good in others. I guess this is somewhat true.
How would you describe yourself – do you usually see the glass as being half full (optimistic), or half empty (pessimistic)? Briefly explain what it is about you that prompted your choice of an answer.
I always have a way of answering these questions prematurely, but as I stated I see myself similarly to the way that those who know me best do. I try to see the glass half full, specifically when it comes to others. I am a service vessel. I have dedicated my life to helping others to be the best people they are capable of being. And in order to help with that, I have to believe even when they do not sometimes. And I am okay with that. I am not sure if this always translates appropriately to the way that I view my own personal life. But I am also often torn between who I am as a clinician/professional and who I am on a personal level. In many ways the two are the same. But in some they differ. For others, I am always willing to see the best and view them in a more positive light than they necessarily deserve but I believe everyone deserves that someone who will believe in them unconditionally. Personally though, I am my own worst critic and am often harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. This is a phenomenon that I have always found to be interesting. I am not sure that I will ever grow from that. I always believe I can be better, and this has made me strive for more and never really accept no as an answer unless I am the one saying it. But that may also translate into me seeing my own glass differently than I see that of others.
Compassion, kindness and care are traits that are not only associated with being a professional counselor but they occur all around us everyday. The problem is that we tend not to notice the positive aspects of human behavior. We usually don’t notice courtesy but we do notice rudeness. We notice cruelty but don’t notice kindness. We sense danger but usually not a sense of safety. And it seems that more and more the media only focuses on bad behavior
The bit about understanding and seeing the positives in human behavior is something that I understand all too well. My gift and my curse is that I will always choose the other person over myself. This is a debate that my best friend and I have all the time. She always says that I am likely to die overexerting myself for someone who does not deserve it and she is likely to go to jail for reviving me then killing me again. It is our tidbit, and I promise it occurs once a month. I am usually the person who overlooks a person’s faults while she will usually notice them immediately in deciding whether or not she will choose to deal with them. I don’t think either of us has it completely figured out. My goal though, is usually to find a balance. I could do a better job of noting someone’s fault and not only focusing on the positive because that can be equally as dangerous.
Find a place where there are people interacting – whether at school, at work, out in public etc and observe/pay attention (people watch) and identify two instances that you believe are good examples of compassion, kindness or caring.
Write a one page reflection/observation about each example - what happened?
Why do people bother being kind, courteous or compassionate? What are the rewards/benefits? Are there any costs?
I think people choose to be kind/compassionate/courteous for several reasons. The main two I have found are that people believe it is the right thing to do and believe in the consequence of not doing so (aka karma). I also think that some do the right thing because they feel they are being judged on their behavior. [I realized in re-reading this that I could have said more about costs and benefits... but meh]
Kind act number one (names have been changed to protect the selfless):
I did not have to go very far to find my first example of kindness. I was out on a date getting food with Jay. Before the meal, we passed a homeless man who was begging for anything that anyone could spare. Jay felt really bad about not having any spare cash on him and was markedly impacted by his inability to help this man. I never asked why it was so important, mainly because I have seen him impacted this way before in a very similar situation. I do not even think I was caught off guard by his reaction because it is somewhat normal behavior for him. At any rate, we enjoy our meal and I do not usually finish my dinner so I am normally the only one leaving with a doggy-bag. On our way out, we passed the same homeless man and Jay was immediately struck by the fact that we were passing the same person. We walked several paces before he stopped me and said, “I know you and you’re probably not going to think about this burger tomorrow. Can I take it and give it to this man?”
I consider myself to be a pretty giving person, but that thought had not even occurred to me. I even had a slight pang of jealousy/regret for not thinking of it first. I just looked at him, so impressed and replied with a yes. He ran back with huge grin on his face and I watched as he offered the gentleman the remainder of my meal and reflected on how right he was. I was not going to eat this food, and it might have ended up cold and in a trashcan. I also watched as he chatted the gentleman up wondering what they were saying to one another and hoping that the gentleman was as appreciative of his deed as I was.
When he returned to join me, I just smiled and said “That was so selfless of you.” I am still smiling and blown away by his kindness. There was no reason for him to do it. He certainly was not trying to impress me. We have been past that point in our relationship. It was just... refreshing.
Kind Act number two (no name changes necessary):
I was on campus reading before class. I sat near the new pretzel shop (Auntie Annie’s) in the Marvin Center. While sitting, I decided to do a bit of people watching because it actually is one of my favorite activities. Usually I am wondering what people are thinking while they mosey. But this day, I was sort of on a mission. Something good, kindhearted, compassionate, or selfless. It took a few minutes to spot it. Students were running back and forth to and fro busily. Suddenly, a young lady dropped a small book that she did not seem to notice. She was hurrying on her way. Because the hallways were so crowded, I doubt that the book even made a sound. And if it did, I am positive she did not hear it. Just as I was lifting to try and get her attention to let her know, another girl grabbed the book and shifted around to see what it was and who it belonged to. She stopped what she was doing and chased the other girl down to return the book to her.
I just thought to myself, “How often does that really happen? How often do people sacrifice their own time for someone else?” And though this example is small, the girl who found the book could have very well left it there. No one could have blamed her. But I think she noticed it and felt obligated to return it. I imagine she considered what she would have felt like losing a book and not knowing where to look for it. She also could have been later to her destination trying to find the book’s owner. But she did the nice thing. Not even necessarily the right thing. But certainly the nice thing.
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