The Hurt Felt 'Round the World...

This is a lesson, or a group of lessons, that apply to all relationships. I have been toying with this topic for a while, and just didn't have the time to weigh in on it. I think, though, that I will frame this in terms of romantic entanglements, just because... So here goes:

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy back. They like one another immediately, and decide to try their hand at a relationship. They respect one another, and get along well. But ultimately they decide that they do not really fit. As a result, they have a conversation which results in the two agreeing to part ways... Peaceably. Boy moves on, and takes the things he learned from his past relationship with him; learning from it and using it to his advantage. Girl does the same. They both live happily ever.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!

How awesome would it be if this happened all of the time? If people really went through life this way...? Unfortunately, though, this is seldom the case. Instead ... it's usually a bit more like this:

Boy and Girl meet. Boy really likes girl, and decides that he wants to be with her. Girl likes boy, too. However this is the third or fourth "boy" that she has felt this way about. Boy one cheated, boy two was emotionally abusive and controlling, and boy three just lied... a lot. She agrees to date the new guy (Boy), because she believes that everyone deserves a chance. However, she in no way acknowledges that her past relationships are impacting the way she sees this new one. She believes she is over the past, but has a really difficult time trusting this new guy. Meanwhile, the new guy (Boy) was cheated on by his previous girlfriend who also used him for his cashflow. She consistently accused him of cheating and was extremely jealous of other women. As a result, he truly believed she cared and was devastated when he found out that it was she who was cheating on him. He felt like things could be different with this new lady, though. She seemed trustworthy and very sure of herself. After some time, though, Girl starts to suspect Boy is cheating. He is "working" a lot lately, seems to have a host of female friends, and sometimes disappears in the middle of text conversations. She remembers that her exes would all do similar things and wonders what other explanation there could possibly be. Girl then starts to question Boy which makes him feel a bout of deja vu as well. Boy now feels that 1.) Girl can only be acting this way because she is probably doing her own thing 2.) Girl already suspects that he's doing dirt so why not just start since he's being blamed for it anyway. He's already been hurt before and is in no position to feel that way again. Boy cheats, Girl finds out. They break up. Now both are scorned...

This example may seem a little bit extreme. But there are different variations of it floating around daily. The point is this: Hurt people, hurt people. And scarred people act out for a lifetime. In most relationships, we have no choice but to carry the baggage from past ones around with us. Especially if we don't find a way to release previous baggage, i.e.- confront it. And sometimes the hurt is unintentional. So then who is wrong in those situations? Granted, there are definite no-no's in relationships. Or at least there should be. Those are the 'thou shall not cheat' 'thou shall not lie' 'thou shall not engage with others emotionally' 'thou shall confide in thine partner' ... yada yada yada. And granted, there are some people who will break those regardless. I'll get to those folks in a minute. But in situations where you feel like you have to protect yourself... and the other person feels they have to do the same... Who is at fault?

I guess in those cases, everyone is. When you get into a relationship, you should feel protected by your partner and he/she should feel equally protected by you. I have always said that in real relationships, each member is so busy taking care of their partner that they can almost forget to take care of themselves. But that is okay... because their partner feels the same way and therefore both backs are covered. This may seem extreme... But it is true. It just doesn't happen that way very often... Because everyone is busy looking out for themselves. And that type of relationship... The kind that I just spoke about takes a lot of things that people just aren't willing to give anymore... This cycle of expecting all of the bad and being incapable of recognizing any of the good is perpetuating itself through generations and I am not sure it can be stopped. It truly is the hurt felt round the world. Someone hurts you so you in turn shut yourself out or look out for self thus hurting someone else. They either then, turn that back around on you and shut down... OR turn around and hurt someone else in an attempt to keep from being hurt ... and so on and so forth.

I am in awe of those who have been capable of either stopping the cycle dead in its tracks or escaping it altogether. I know a few... And I just don't get it myself. We are a product of our environments... A true mark of our experiences... Tabula rasa... [[LOOK IT UP... I PROMISE IT WILL BLESS YOU]].... But I also feel like it comes from trusting yourself... and trusting God. Because through those, you can also learn to trust others and believe in them. You also adopt the belief that if someone is willing to do you wrong when you are treating them the way that one should... It won't be up to you to teach them a lesson... Life will do that. But that is so difficult to do... It really is.

Now back to THOSE people... The ones that hurt people intentionally... I realize more and more that it takes a special kind of person with a special set of circumstances to be this way. Fundamentally...I believe these people are the most hurt out of everyone. But that may be a different blog for a different day. And you can only hope that you aren't running into them... Unless you possess the necessary patience and skill to combat their arsenal. MOST do not... Because they don't change unless they truly find a reason to... And even then, old habits die hard. But there has to be a revival of faith somewhere. There has to be an end to this phenomenon. One whose power is strong enough to end this hurt felt round the world, and capable of healing the scars that it seems to be leaving in its tracks. Sometimes I think it can happen one situation... one relationship at a time. But I'm still not entirely sure that that's true. What is true, though... is that you can only live for you and your relationship. This concept of hurt people hurting people does not excuse ANYONE'S behavior. But it does provide a lens through which that behavior can be framed. And so, if you happen to meet someone, that you feel is worth the risk... and they seem to feel the same way about you... but they also seem a bit ... nervous or less than overzealous about the idea of re-opening themselves to the possibility of hurt [[which is exactly what they are doing]]... Try not to be so hard on them... It is a process and it does require reframing and restructuring and re-educating. And maybe it isn't worth it to even try... BUT if you find that it is... Keep in mind that it may be a hurt that you can help them out of by being the opposite and being the exception to the rule...

Just a thought...
Toodles until next time =)

One for Good Measure...

So this wasn't one of my planned blogs. In fact, I currently have like three in the making. But I wanted to weigh in on this before I forgot about it altogether.

I was searching for interesting blogs to read and came across one written by "smart black men" ... Or maybe it's just one man. I don't know. But I'm always intrigued by things like this... An educated man's perspective on basic things. Almost as intrigued as I am by the ignorant man's perspective. ALMOST!

Anyway, this guy decided to write on a topic that's really near and dear to me. Premarital Shacking. But I'm not sure he did it any real justice as a topic for discussion. I'm not sure I will either. But... Eh I guess that's the beauty of blogging.

Anyway... His main point for why people shouldn't live together before marrying was that you end up doing the awkward dance... You both want it to be over but you own space together (or are renting it)... You have joint bills, and you still have to deal with one another. This increases uncertainty of whether or not you should really move on, and makes doing so much more difficult in the event that the answer is yes.

This is all true.

But, I think thats so clear and a huge DUH moment for anyone with sense. I do not think it is THE reason to not live with a potential spouse before marriage. I did think that the gentleman's outline of the pro argument was a nice one. It gave him a hint of credibility. But I think that ultimately, living with someone is a completely different step in intimacy. Being together all the time, having sleep overs, having a drawer at his place... These are in no way equivalent to actually living with someone full time. And sometimes (even when you THINK that you are the easiest person in the world to live with)... You can find this process difficult. It takes work, and compromise, and settling, and self-awareness, and consideration, and so many of the things that any good relationship requires to even remain afloat with someone that you live with [in many situations]. We are talking about your haven, your safety zone, the place you should be able to go to escape the perils that life has a tendency to throw at you. And so, you probably take it personally. My point is that many of the disputes and disagreements you may get into with a significant other that are the result of bottled up frustration from him not putting the toilet seat down ever, or her not remembering to turn the lights out when she leaves a room... can result in a break-up. And break ups occur when you're just a couple, not a married couple. Therefore, it is much easier to leave. When you are married to someone, it takes something much bigger than a toilet seat or an extremely high electricity bill to disrupt the bond... or at least it should. So leaving in those situations, ending a marriage there...  would be silly.

Don't get me wrong... a couple worth its salt will most definitely argue over these things... But at the end of that argument... they will find themselves right back together because what they have is stronger than the pebbles thrown during a petty argument... [[shameless plug: MORE ON THIS IN THE UPCOMING "The Truth About Power Couples"]].... But why provoke it...? Why not save something for the sanctity of marriage? A friend of mine made a comment a while ago when referring to two of his friends that were living together and getting married... He basically asked what was going to be new and exciting for them at this point? After the wedding, they'd leave friends and family... go home and go to bed... wake up the next morning and just say hey to one another... And he was right. I just think that ultimately... the risk of normalcy leading to a desire to find something newer or less like the old might creep up if you give cause to it. And this is what happens when two people live together when unmarried. Doing so while engaged may have a bit more clout to it... But even then... I just don't agree with it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free...? Why get real and have a house when you can play it with all the added bonuses and none of the extra work? And then why enter into commitments with someone who you are expecting to be temporary...?

Therefore ... ONE unless you are sure of your relationship with someone, coupled with TWO trusting them and you fully (or as fully as possible)... Don't live with them pre-marriage. Especially since, even these things aren't guaranteed in matrimony... But that is a great place to start.

Things I'd like to do before it's all over...

This is all in addition to the usual: find my soul mate, be a bride, have kids, be happy, own a home, accomplish my goals, blah blah blah...


1. Visit the Eiffel Tower

2. Attend the Opera...

3. Live in a different country for at least a year

4. Take a couples' dance class

5. Adopt a child or a family or an animal

6. Help someone else realize how amazing they are

7. Eat an authentic Italian meal in Italy

8. Teach someone something useful

9. Snorkel

10. Learn to play a musical instrument

11. Learn to speak another language fluently (pref. Spanish)

12. Create something with my hands

13. Give back to those who have given to me in any capacity...

14. Write a book and publish it

15. Stand behind a worthy cause

16. Grow beyond my own expectation

17. Be charitable in my actions and my finances

18. Own a pair of stupidly expensive shoes (provided that I also own a home, vehicle, and have gainful employment first...unless they are a gift... ^_^)

19. Teach

20. Take a road trip or three