17...oops 18 19 Things I have Learned about Me...

In my journey to become me, I have been learning a great deal about myself. I learn just as much from the let downs and frustrations as I do from the happy surprises and high points. Here are a few of the things that I have learned thus far...

 1. I am a giver... first, foremost, and to the core: I realized recently through a conversation with a new friend, that I have always been groomed to take care of others. IT is my gift and my curse. A gift to others and a curse to me. I put others first and would give my mortal enemy the shirt off of my back if it meant his/her survival. Sometimes I wish that weren't true of me... But it is. There are those who seek to take advantage of that attribute in me, and despite that knowledge, there is nothing I would change about that quality...  


2. I appreciate reciprocity for reciprocity's sake... People who believe in doing unto others as they would have them do rock my socks... It is a key principle to me... Though it doesn't always pan out the way it should... But I truly appreciate people who approach life, friendships, relationships, all situations with this mindset... 


  3. I appreciate people who do things because they need to be done... especially men: My dad is not an assertive person, by nature... And he has also been criticized (mostly by my mom) for his spirit of procrastination... He has great ideas but will sit on them... However, he is also the type of person who if something needs to be done... He will do it no questions asked. You won't even know that it was necessary sometimes. In these instances, I am referring more to manly things like fixing the AC in my car or changing the light bulb in my room (as I cannot reach them). But that is truly how he is. I realize I need a husband like this... And I value people who approach life with this mindset. I am like this, actually, the more I think about it. If something needs to be done, I am far more likely to be off doing it while other people are discussing having it done. And I think, in many ways, I get this from my dad and my mom. My mom would have a fit if she ever saw this because she'd want all of the credit. But my dad is that way too. I'm a mover and shaker. I'd much rather be acting than discussing. And if I'm discussing, it is usually only related to the necessity of the doing... My friends know this about me. I may not be the person making the decision all of the time (I LOATHE MAKING DECISIONS REGARDING LEISURELY THINGS... I think I'm sometimes difficult in my attempts to remain low maintenance lol) ... But I will NOT be happy for long if we are just standing around discussing the action.. LETS JUST DO IT!


4. People will always find a way to do the things they want to do... If things don't get done, it's because the person WOULDN'T... not because he or she COULDN'T: I have experienced people getting mad with my views on this... But it is very difficult for me to feel differently... I realize that cannot is a word that I don't use often... It has to be a physical impossibility for me to actually use the word... Furthermore, I truly can will myself to do pretty much anything... I am truly tat stubborn and it works both ways (for the good and the bad of a situation). So when people tell me they cannot do something... I automatically translate that into they will not because they have decided to do something else OR that something else was more important...which is PERFECTLY fine... It does not really change the way I view the person until they start to make excuses for what they have decided to do... I am a very no-excuse necessary type of person. If you are giving me an explanation so that I have context for the situation...that's fine... But if that is then not followed up with action of some sort... it is an excuse... Nothing more nothing less... And even still, I'm not unforgiving when that turns out to be the case...It is just not the way that I live and operate/function. Different strokes. But ultimately, people will always make time, will, and way to do what they want. And that will have no bearing on what someone else has done or is doing. If I want to buy you a birthday gift, for instance... It ill not matter that you have not gotten me a gift in years...or that you were rude to me the day that I went to the store to buy it...or that my check was short and therefore I did not have enough funds to do it... In all of those situations I would adapt... In the case of the shortened check, that may come with an explanation ... and I'd just get the gift when my funds resumed. But My response would never be that I COULDN'T get you a gift...It'd be that I did not because of whatever, and yet will when my situation changes...because it is something that I WANT to do... If you're rude to me or don't ever get me gifts, and that deters me from getting you something... My reasoning is flawed. I do not WANT to get you a gift, I either feel obligated...or think it would be nice with certain contingencies set in play... but it is completely conditional... and therefore was not a true desire of mine... That is just the way I see it. People do not let others get in the way of what they truly want to do. There are obvious limitations to this... but even those have reasoning as well... [[shrug]]


5.Balance is the key to everything : This is my golden rule. And it is very important to me. I think more than any other situation in my life, my last relationship taught me a huge lesson about balance... and about my own stubbornness... But specifically about balance. It didn't end because I didn't love him enough or because he didn't love me... I did... and I can't speak for him... But I thought he did... It ended, in my opinion, because there was no balance. Everything was so extreme all of the time. His crazy ignited my anger. My anger ignited his crazy. When he was in crazy mode, nothing I could do or say could calm him down. When I was in angry mode, there was nothing he could do or say to bring me out of it. We sparked the wrong things in one another with no buffer to even things out. And we paid for it... drastically. We went as far as two people could go, farther in fact... before it became clear that we were destructive together. He hurt me... pretty badly to be honest... But I'm no longer angry about it... I am now pretty indifferent (see lesson #7 below lol)...But ultimately we were broken before we started which made the damage done that more irreparable... There was no balance. I think that in all relationships, regardless of nature, balance is one of the most important attributes a relationship can possess... It is what allows the good to outweigh the bad... It is what keeps things moving in an onward fashion...It is literally the equation for growth versus loss... But in a non-mathematical way... balance is what forges the growth and prosperity of a union... And a relationship will not survive without it...nor will a lifestyle, company, occupation, conversation... nothing in life (physical or otherwise) can survive without equilibrium... And it is something that I find to be so precious... It is logic that balances out emotion, fear, rage, recklessness... It is love that balances out anger, hurt, pain, disdain... Its not to say that none of he bad exists and there will only always be good... But the work and beauty is in finding and maintaining that balance...Similarly, I need my friendships and extracurricular outlets to balance out my school and work lives... One will not work without the other... I'd cease to exist otherwise (that may be a bit dramatic but it is true in many ways...) So important to me in so many different facets of my life.


  6. Who we are is a culmination of the person we are when no one is watching, and the person we are when everyone is watching: For some people, these two are one in the same... And for some the two are completely different... There are some who believe that it is only who you are when others aren't paying attention that truly matters. But I don't think that to be entirely true. I think each says something unique about you. But we are all struggling with something... and I don't know anyone who is always at their proudest of moments... However my personal goal is to have those two people be as in sync as possible. And most of the time, I'm successful. If a person is really rude to people when the cameras are rolling, but secretly spends free-time running and serving the line of a local soup kitchen... which person are they? They are both... and there is probably a story behind their behavior in each instance.  


7. A person has to truly hurt me to the core in order to render me completely indifferent toward them... This is more true than I care to admit. I am a very upbeat person by nature... I love everyone... I try to see the good in everyone... I don't treat everyone the same... I am all for individual treatment in individual relationships... And I will let a person hurt me more than once before I am done... Really... I have allowed people to hurt me repeatedly because I am also pretty huge on forgiveness... And I think forgiveness is more for you than it is the other person anyway... However I realize that the people I am closest to have the greatest potential to hurt me... Which is why I behave the way that I do when it happens...I detach completely. I refuse to give or receive explanations. I shut all the way down. I close myself off. I am neither rude or friendly... I am polite. Cut and dry... But I'm not my usual sarcastic, joking, passionate self. All roads to that version of me are demolished in an attempt to stop the pain... And I'm usually very successful... There are also very clear signs for when that version of me is on the horizon, as I have noticed... I usually stop confiding... I stop sharing... I stop being interactive and engaging... I check out emotionally... And I'm usually unaware that it's coming. I have noticed that in situations that are not meant for me or that mean me harm...very drastic things happen in order to separate me from the individual or situation. I attribute this to the fact that I truly do not know when enough has proven itself to be enough. And so I think God usually uses this method to let me know that it is time to go. I won't listen otherwise. So when my feelings completely shut off.. I know that it is meant to be that way. But it usually takes a lot to get me to that point... and once I'm there... It always seems to be the most insignificant detail that pushed me to the ledge... Sort of like the lone piece of straw breaking the camel's back. This has only happened to me a total of 4 times in my life. But it is usually extremely distinctive every single time.  


8. Life is too short to be unhappy for any period of time... and for anyone EVER... I think this is pretty self explanatory. But it is a hard lesson for me every time I learn it. I will sacrifice my own happiness for the good of others. But I'm getting better with choosing me... And choosing people who truly have my best interest at heart to surround me... I am a work in progress...Usually my friends have to remind me that I'm not adhering to this principle... or that I'm putting everyone but me first. And that is why my prayer has recently become for God to just bless me with someone who understands that I am a self sacrificer. and will not allow me to do it... all of the time lol  


9. Integrity is a situational accomplice: This has changed for me. I always thought that integrity was an attribute that defines us. Either we have it or we don't. But in reality... it is completely situational. We exercise it in some instances and not at all in others. And it is more subjective than we care to acknowledge. Additionally, sometimes it wins us favor with others and sometimes, often times, quite the opposite.  


10. The truth is completely relative and is always up for interpretation... Even when it isn't: There is a scene in the movie Couple's Retreat...where Vince Vaugn's character is trying to explain how dramatic the shark bite was for him to his wife and his therapist. When neither of them agreed, he replied "I know my truth". lol That part makes me laugh hysterically every time I hear it. But the truth really is another one of those things that people fight over as an absolute. Only it isn't an absolute. It is relative. It is subjective. It is based solely on perception. Everyone has their truth. But the truth is not he exact opposite of a lie. A lie is the intentional distortion of the truth by way of omission or addition of fabricated details. The truth is something that is based on the vantage point of the teller. So for everyone who is on this intense search for the truth (which sometimes I must admit that I am), do so knowing that what you find will be the collaboration of several truths...or at least it should be. And sometimes, even the truth is a lie (shout out to day 26... I love you mans!) But in all seriousness... That is a serious lesson to learn. And it is important to understand the difference between the absolute truth (which is really just a Utopian theory), a person's truth, and a lie... 


  11. A little effort truly does go a long way... with me anyway: The most meaningful experiences that I have ever had in my life (good and bad) have been the result of a person;s intention and/or effort...and not the behavior/gift/event itself. If a person asks me on a date... I am much more likely to be impressed with the time it took him to select a place while taking my likes and dislikes into account... or the effort it took for him to set up the scene or decide on the right place and the right atmosphere... than I am on how fancy the place is. I would much rather attend a well-suited hole in the wall that serves my favorite cuisine and leaves room for good conversation than I would a really fancy dinner that cost the person tons of money but minimal effort... It is how I am about everything. Specifically because it is the way I treat others. When I buy gifts, it is a strenuous process of selections and eliminations, individualizations, effort. I don't just go to a site and say, "hmmm I think she'll like these... *click* *click* *click*" That's not my style because people mean more to me than that. Even if it involves something that I dislike or am not a fan of spending time on... If I have made up my mind to do it... (see lesson #4 above)...then that's what it is and it means that I will put the effort into making it as thoughtful as possible. And I appreciate the same in return. Especially when it is unexpected.  


12. I am happiest when the people who matter most to me are happy: Self explanatory and really true of me. Very few things in this life make me happier. (Good books, witty television situational comedies or drams, soulful music, and lazy Sunday mornings all come a close second to this!) 


13. Support means more to me than I ever realized: I foolishly believed that support meant little to me before recently... But I also note that when I don't have it from the people who matter most to me... Things in my life seem completely off center... It hurts me...and I usually find ways to make not having it okay... But even having to make those types of adjustment shows that I am influenced buy its absence... It is also something that means a lot to me in genuineness... If you care about me...and therefore the things that matter to me automatically matter to you...It says a world about the depth of your concern. It draws the lines as appropriate in my life... As it should, I suppose. 


  14. My day is not the same if I don't pray in the morning, take my morning run, and dance in my mirror to an upbeat song before I leave the house... Another one that is self explanatory... If I don't do any of these things... My day is super off... And on days when I am fortunate enough to complete all three....! WHOOT! =) Try it... It changes things 


  15. I love people, but I don't usually like them very much: I am an Aquarius...and this is true for most that I know. I don't think the Zodiac has it ALL figured out...but I am honestly a champion of human rights and appropriate treatment for the same people who irritate me to no end... lol I giggle every time I realize how true this is for me.  


16. I am a huge fan of self-assessment : I did a whole blog on this so I won't reiterate inappropriately. But I can only do what works for me. I check myself OFTEN. Mainly out of fear of hypocrisy but also just because I feel like it's the correct thing to do. I do not like it when people are more of an expert on me than me... It is honestly unacceptable, for me... 


  17. Everyone is a work in progress... including me. I often forget that it is okay for me to make mistakes and fall off track sometimes. I am always willing to accept it of others, but am less accepting or understanding of it when it comes to myself. I'm working on it though.  


18. I truly do believe that the children are our future... I have devoted my life's work to this concept...and I believe our children...our future deserves better from us. We have to lead them in the right direction, nourish their growth with wisdom, truth, and honesty... For without them... we are surely lost. I hate it when people criticize the problem while doing NOTHING to foster a solution... And that is what I see so many people doing with these growing generations... But in this instance...there is a very clear line drawn between doing that and the persistence of the problem...  


19. I am sometimes complicated in my simplicity... And I own that... :)

Reasonable Doubt

I've been having some pretty powerful conversations lately that have been sending my thoughts into overload. I have also been having experiences that have been causing me to question the motives of some who I THOUGHT had my best interests at heart. But recently, I have also been paying close attention to my own actions, as well as those of others to better understand why we do the things we do. And I have been wondering if we, ourselves, are really asking ourselves that very important question of "why?" I try not to do things just to do them, because that is never a strong enough reason to me. "Because I enjoy it" is only okay for certain situations. But ultimately, I like to be able to justify my behavior, if for no one else's benefit, for my own. And yet, I just can't seem to get away from the craziness of others if my life depended on it. I'm beginning to think it's just me... though some of the scenarios my friends have run into are quite comical yet utterly pointless as well. I just wish more people would pay attention to the actions and messages they are sending through those actions. It would save so much time and ignorance if they would.


 Take for instance that ex who is going out of his way to let you know that his world is ending because you're not together anymore...and yet is selling himself all over online dating sites just itching to get at some random floozy... posting shirtless pics, fabricating his interesting-ability, adding excitement to his life to appear more worth while... Why go through the trouble of trying to guilt-trip me when you're clearly putting in WORK to bag youngins in the background...

 Or better yet that side-piece that swears up and down he knows he's a side piece... and yet will literally hold up traffic ducking in his driver's side seat hoping you don't spot him with the chick that he seems convinced you don't know he's (also) smashin!


And ladies aren't exempt... there's the super self-righteous Do the right thing chick who invites you over to her place... sets the tone for you two to get it in... then is CLEARLY irritated when you don't... But Blows on you for treating her like a cheap shot of poon the moment you text her anytime after 11:00pm...


In all of these instances... the person described is clearly confused by either the way that they feel or the actions that should be taken toward those feelings... But I bet you it is because they do not understand what true introspection is. They are too afraid to challenge themselves and ask why they are behaving accordingly,likely because they are afraid of the answer they will receive... At this point, I'm not entirely sure that I even have a point... I'm likely just super irritated with the way that full-grown adults believe it is acceptable to behave... Because they cannot deal with their own issues, insecurities, inferiority complexes ,etc. ... they find it acceptable to infringe upon the happiness of others until they finally figure it out... But to them I say...With strength and integrity... AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Live your life... be accountable to yourself... and stop blaming others or passing the buck for the things that you haven't had a chance to take care of... Because otherwise you're just wasting valuable space and time that could be spent on something more useful... like tree planting... or cleaning the pacific...


 I dunno... I mean I kinda get it... The ex is probably unsure of his real feelings about the situation and doesn't wanna accept responsibility for his role in the demise of the relationship... OR ... he may just be manipulative and may be using every angle he can to cause pain to his current significant other... Either way.. his actions and words are in conflict and therefore he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt.. There's a lie somewhere in there... and after a while, if he doesn't ask himself the tough questions and get to the bottom of things...why would anyone else waste their time trying to...? The actions here destroy any hope of a positive spin on the thought process... BIG TIME... The side piece that doesn't know he's a side piece may be trying to back pocket the chick he's ducking and dodging when other yeezies are around. Saving her for when he finally wants to settle down and actually be serious about someone... however, he underestimates the chick big time. Clearly she knows him...knows his car...knows what he looks like... So behaving that way only makes him look like a crazy, shady, shaggy-haired liar... which is OKAY because she's probably not considering him forreal anyway... But again... he isn't thinking before he behaves and it shows through his actions... No reason for reasonable doubt there because the actions overshadow the thought process ... BIG TIME... And then there's the chick... I think we all know what her problem is... She's insecure... She wants this dude to desire her... but is conflicted by what that means for her brains, her stature, her worth... And is that HIS problem...?? NO! It's hers... but because she has it all figured out... she's not going to ask herself the important questions and will therefore continue to lose...

 LOOK! 7_7 Life is just too short for the games, for the bs... for the excess baggage... Grow up... find what makes you happy... Do THAT... and stop bothering me.