On Vulnerability...

A few months ago, I found a posted quote by none other than Bob Marley which read, "The worst thing a man can do is open a woman up with no intention of loving her..."

The first time I read it, I recall being blown away by the simplicity and yet gravity of it. It is beyond true... And it is exactly how I feel about vulnerability...

Let it be noted that I am saying this: No relationship can work without vulnerability... The ability to be vulnerable with someone other than you... The ability to take a chance on letting someone in to see all of your faults, all of your flaws, all of your fears... and TRUSTING them not to abuse that information. For some of us, being vulnerable is much more difficult than it is for others [[GUILTY]]... However, it is very important to be able to be THAT trusting of the person you're with... It isn't being super emotional all the time, or over expressive, or whiny. But it is giving someone the power to impact your feelings and emotions... Caring enough, and showing that you care enough, to be fully invested... Allowing someone else close enough that they would be fully capable of destroying you or breaking you down... and yet TRUSTING them enough to believe that they will not... Being vulnerable is being open... Sharing freely... Giving of yourself.... And it is very easy to see how this, by definition, has earned the negative connotation that many of us recognize it for. However, intimacy [true intimacy/connectedness with someone else] is impossible without it...

The problem is... Sometimes people do take advantage. Sometimes people do allow or even lead someone to a point of true vulnerability only to strike and destroy all the trust built... And it is those people who cause and perpetuate the ripples of mistrust that we witness in life daily... And the backlash of those actions are those who believe you should never leave yourself THAT open... you should ALWAYS have a contingency plan... You should NEVER be completely vulnerable.... And that feels right for a while... You begin to put up walls and layers for protection... You begin to assess how open others are being and adjust your armor accordingly... And even if you weren't a person whose vulnerability was taken advantage of... The stories of what others have experienced are often enough to make you want to remain on guard....

The problem with this, though, is that you are also blocking the potential for something amazing in the process. Love should be deep, it should be intimate, it should be intrusive... How else would it cut to the core of you? How else would you feel it when you feel numb to everything else...? And granted, if love is strong enough, it should be able to break down those walls and meet you where you are... But the reality is that that's work... And sometimes... we forget that everyone has had experiences and that those experiences leave others equally as tarnished and jaded as ours have left us. So sometimes while we think a person should be willing to break down the walls if they are meant to love us... That very message could be triggering something from their pasts that say the same thing [or the polar opposite in some cases]... And then no one gets served.  In reality, there should be a balance of some sort. You should be able to trust someone, especially in a relationship. You should be able to believe that someone is capable of protecting you and allowing you to protect them. That is the only way that true vulnerability, and by right, true intimacy really works. If both parties are actively vulnerable with and for one another, each has the same amount to lose.... And yet each is concerned with protecting the other that they don't even notice their own vulnerability... They are safeguarding their counterpart's vulnerability as if it were their own...

However... As the quote notes... The worst thing a PERSON can do, is get someone to a point of vulnerability... openness.... with no intention of protecting them... With no intention of loving them the way they deserve to be loved... It is sinful and can truly ruin a person's trust in others indefinitely... Either don't open a person up if you have no intention of being there to catch their fall... Of protecting them... of loving them completely.... OR ... If you do open a person up... If you do work to get a person to the point where they trust you, respect you, appreciate you, consider you, protect you... RECIPROCATE... Catch them... trust them... love them... appreciate them... consider them... Respect them...

But of course to stop this... we would have to rid this world of a large amount of its selfishness... And that, my loves, will likely never happen.... So... the solution...?

I don't know honestly... But it has to start on an individual level...

Until next time...

On Communicating

I am realizing more and more as I pay attention to myself, and to others, that communicating is something that so many of us take for granted. And we do not do so because we do not realize its importance overall.... Instead, we often do it because we think we are communicating effectively. But in many cases, we are sadly mistaken.

I see, more and more, that we sometimes just expect the people we love and care about to KNOW certain things... To just KNOW. I cannot even begin to tell you all how many times I have both heard and said "Well s/he should have KNOWN how that would make me feel..." or "S/he would not like it if I did that to them so why do it to me?" And we often think that should negate the necessity of a conversation or actual communication on a topic all together. However, more and more I realize this is not true. I have also been guilty of the "Well if I have to tell you then it defeats the purpose anyway..." (lol) But the more I grow and get to understand others, I realize exactly how silly I have been over the years for genuinely feeling that way. 

Even more fascinating than the lack of communicating, though, is the reason for it. FEAR! Some view fear as a weakness, while others see it as a point of strength forcing you in one direction or another. But interestingly, most of the time, we do not realize that it is fear that is keeping us from doing or saying the things that we should in terms of communication and in terms of communicating within relationships. Often times, we fear rejection... or a lack of genuine concern on the part of the other person... or a lack in the capacity to change things the right way... or even a lack of faith in the importance we hold in the life of the person we are communicating with. This is really what we are saying when we make up excuses (that we sometimes do not even recognize as excuses) for not communicating. 

But at some point, this has to stop. Communication is key to every relationship, and can either be responsible for its success or its demise. Furthermore, if we are not willing to share our feelings with a person we care about... We are then forced to ask what withholding that information says about the way we feel about him or her overall. With this message of communicating, though, comes a certain responsibility for the listener as well. Communication is defined as the sending and reception of a message. There  must always be a sender and a receiver in order for it to work successfully. As a result, in a relationship, we MUST be willing to play both roles. We cannot expect to do all of the sending. We have to be receptive to responses and concerns from our partners as well. But we also have to do a better job at communicating effectively and not only attempt to be understood, but also have an equally as important investment in the ability to understand! This seems so simple and common sensical, and yet daily relationships fall apart because these very simple rules are being violated. 

You can never, ever just expect for someone else to understand how you feel or what you need or what you want. Closed mouths do not get fed. And to be honest, in many cases, them not knowing may not really be their fault... We all have different perspectives... Even those of us that seem to be most similar or most understanding. Me doing something that upset you is bound to happen at some point... However, if we have not negotiated the rules of our engagement... How fair is it for you to hold it against me? However, if you let me know exactly how you feel about something, and THEN I violate that.... THAT is the point at which you have every right to hold me accountable for my actions and place judgement on the value that I have or have not placed on you. However, prior to your explicit explanations of your thoughts, desires, and/or feelings... Holding a grudge toward me for something that i may not have known is incredibly unfair. 

While we are on this topic... it is also important to understand HOW your partner communicates. If text does not seem to work well for the two of you, move to verbal and/or face to face communication. If one of you communicates better via one than the other, search for a fair compromise that you can both benefit from. All relationships are give and take and will also require work from both parties in order to maintain healthy progression. But it seems more and more that the things that should be the most simple are often poorly executed or overcomplicated. 

Anyway, I just have thoughts sometimes... Until next time loves... =) 

On... Me

I always read the blogs of others and feel like the blogger seems to absolve him or herself from all blame. However everyone isn't the victim in every situation and at some point...we have to accept that as fact. Granted there are some horrible men and women out here, but I'm sure we have all done things or played a role in the outcomes of most of the situations we have found ourselves in. We just don't broadcast it... Somehow it makes us to feel better about ourselves? Makes us feel less human and more morally sound? Not sure. But to make mistakes, to acknowledge out faults, to grow through pain... In my opinion makes us more human. Makes us more relatable. Connects us to others...

Anyway, in exploring myself... I've been learning tons lately. I'm often the type of person who absolves others of fault. Even when it hurts me. And that's almost as detrimental as blaming the world and everyone in it for your circumstances.

Overall though, I realize that my views on relationships and my role in them comes from a very interesting place. I am very particular about my relationships these days. The more I learn, the more sacred and intimate I find them to be. They mean more when I gain glimpses of their true purpose and what they should really look like and be comprised of. As a result, my adopted motto has become I'd rather not have it at all than to have it be wrong.

In this way, I almost compare my relational résumé to my sexual résumé. It's so important to me these days, that I'd prefer the two to be almost equal or as close to it as possible. Considering that I started one far earlier than the other ( relationships), I feel purposed to be far more meticulous about the process. Just as meticulous as I am about deciding on an intimate partner (especially because the two may be one in the same in that my preference is to be intimate with the person I am in a committed relationship with).

A quick aside there... You will almost never hear or see me publicly discussing my personal sex life. I'm all for female sexual identity, exploration of desire, likes and dislikes. I'm a huge proponent of the female orgasm and a woman taking her sexuality into her own hands and not having it dictated to her or for her. I am also huge on sexual safety,honesty about one's sexually relational status (monogamous or not), and knowing one's own sexual health status. Those things, I will always speak freely about as well as advocate for the discussion thereof. They are important. However my own ins and outs... Not generally up for discussion. And probably won't ever be except for with the person I happen to be intimately involved with.My personal views on relationships, however, I am a little more liberal about...

Anyway, back to being a choosy lover. The older I get, the more meaning I assign to the people I allow in my life. I keep my circle small. I'm private. And I like to have a tight lid on those who influence my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (which happens when your circle is as small as mine is). I'm selective about my friends, and I'm at the point now where I'm hopefully getting closer to settling down overall. I tend to think most people rush into relationships which makes rushing out a much easier option in the end. However when you take the time to get to know a person, you are not only making an investment (making walking away over trivial matters more difficult) but you are also learning the person and examining the strength of your feelings.

Some say that it takes a couple of years (2) before two people truly know one another, which is about how long you need to know if you can truly  be with a person (or not). One of my friends lives by this concept totally. I'm not sure I think it takes that long... But I do feel like if you give a person enough time, the truth about them will have no choice other than to reveal itself. And if the person is who they say they are, you only gain from waiting. Nothing is really lost. Where is the harm in learning a person? How do you know you only want them when you aren't even sure how they behave under pressure?Or know that you don't mind the way he chews or her snoring? I'm not saying wait two years before getting serious. But I'm saying at least figure out if you even like the person as a person. Ultimately, I wound rather have something real that can stand the test of time than something that seems right for a few months only to dissolve as soon as difficulty sets in.

I'm also picky and meticulous because I love hard. I give a ton for just a little. All I really ever ask of anyone is honesty and appreciation. And in return... I do whatever it takes to make the other person happy.However, because so many people operate in the mindset of getting what they can from you and giving nothing in return, one has to be more careful with their heart... And by one I clearly mean me. The way I see it, if someone is worthy of all the things that I have to offer, waiting... Taking time to learn me, and for me to learn them.... Gaining deeper understanding... All of these things are reasonable prices for the gifts they will receive in return... But in this fast-paced world of time equaling money and money equaling the ultimate currency... Finding someone who is willing to slow down with you in order to appreciate the process can prove to be quite the feat.

Perhaps the most interesting phenomenon about me, though, is that I am choosy because I like personalization. I like to be treated differently than everyone else. I like to feel special and separated. Give me that, and I will probably be glued.... But if I get even an inkling that I'm sharing.... That what I receive is just a duplicate of what anyone else is getting... LOL ... Let's just say that things change... And rapidly. So I'm careful. I'm patient. I'm cautious. And in that time I'm noting the way a person interacts with others. Looking for subtle and not so subtle differences between those interactions and the ones that occur with me. And as long as I feel that my relation to the person is independent of any other... we are good to go.

Overall, I believe that given enough time, a person will always show you who they really are and what you need to know. You just have to be patient enough to wait for it. But when they show you, you also have to have the courage to believe them. That may go either way. But paying attention, and taking your time is always in your favor, as well as theirs. I grasp that this concept may be foreign today... But I do not necessarily think that it should be.

Until next time loves =)