On Communicating

I am realizing more and more as I pay attention to myself, and to others, that communicating is something that so many of us take for granted. And we do not do so because we do not realize its importance overall.... Instead, we often do it because we think we are communicating effectively. But in many cases, we are sadly mistaken.

I see, more and more, that we sometimes just expect the people we love and care about to KNOW certain things... To just KNOW. I cannot even begin to tell you all how many times I have both heard and said "Well s/he should have KNOWN how that would make me feel..." or "S/he would not like it if I did that to them so why do it to me?" And we often think that should negate the necessity of a conversation or actual communication on a topic all together. However, more and more I realize this is not true. I have also been guilty of the "Well if I have to tell you then it defeats the purpose anyway..." (lol) But the more I grow and get to understand others, I realize exactly how silly I have been over the years for genuinely feeling that way. 

Even more fascinating than the lack of communicating, though, is the reason for it. FEAR! Some view fear as a weakness, while others see it as a point of strength forcing you in one direction or another. But interestingly, most of the time, we do not realize that it is fear that is keeping us from doing or saying the things that we should in terms of communication and in terms of communicating within relationships. Often times, we fear rejection... or a lack of genuine concern on the part of the other person... or a lack in the capacity to change things the right way... or even a lack of faith in the importance we hold in the life of the person we are communicating with. This is really what we are saying when we make up excuses (that we sometimes do not even recognize as excuses) for not communicating. 

But at some point, this has to stop. Communication is key to every relationship, and can either be responsible for its success or its demise. Furthermore, if we are not willing to share our feelings with a person we care about... We are then forced to ask what withholding that information says about the way we feel about him or her overall. With this message of communicating, though, comes a certain responsibility for the listener as well. Communication is defined as the sending and reception of a message. There  must always be a sender and a receiver in order for it to work successfully. As a result, in a relationship, we MUST be willing to play both roles. We cannot expect to do all of the sending. We have to be receptive to responses and concerns from our partners as well. But we also have to do a better job at communicating effectively and not only attempt to be understood, but also have an equally as important investment in the ability to understand! This seems so simple and common sensical, and yet daily relationships fall apart because these very simple rules are being violated. 

You can never, ever just expect for someone else to understand how you feel or what you need or what you want. Closed mouths do not get fed. And to be honest, in many cases, them not knowing may not really be their fault... We all have different perspectives... Even those of us that seem to be most similar or most understanding. Me doing something that upset you is bound to happen at some point... However, if we have not negotiated the rules of our engagement... How fair is it for you to hold it against me? However, if you let me know exactly how you feel about something, and THEN I violate that.... THAT is the point at which you have every right to hold me accountable for my actions and place judgement on the value that I have or have not placed on you. However, prior to your explicit explanations of your thoughts, desires, and/or feelings... Holding a grudge toward me for something that i may not have known is incredibly unfair. 

While we are on this topic... it is also important to understand HOW your partner communicates. If text does not seem to work well for the two of you, move to verbal and/or face to face communication. If one of you communicates better via one than the other, search for a fair compromise that you can both benefit from. All relationships are give and take and will also require work from both parties in order to maintain healthy progression. But it seems more and more that the things that should be the most simple are often poorly executed or overcomplicated. 

Anyway, I just have thoughts sometimes... Until next time loves... =)