I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting lately... And I realized something. I am, overall, very different from a lot of people... male and female. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... Am I going against the grain in a way that will serve me well in the long run? Or in a way that will leave me chronically single because I expect too much of the opposite sex? I posed a similar question in an earlier blog, but realize that my mind will not leave this topic alone.
Like most of my blogs, my recent conversations are the muse for my thoughts on this topic of lying and cheating and all of that stuff. I have never cheated on anyone... I have, however, kissed exes while in limbo with another ex before lol interestingly... I have also been cheated on. Of the five "serious" relationships that I have had in my life... three [that I know of] have resulted in unfaithfulness. And in all three situations, I think they were for different reasons and occurred in different ways... I don't attribute my non-cheating record to my overall angelic ways. For me, when I'm single I'm usually single. Currently, I'm very irritated by the dating scene so ...meh to that. Another blog for another day. But usually, My breakdown looks a little something like this: I usually deal with people for a variety of reasons. The people that I talk to usually serve a specific purpose. There will usually be one that I like more than the others but either cannot see myself in a relationship with or don't see a relationship developing. There may also be someone who gets the majority of my time but that I may not like as much as the person I like the most. There may be someone who is great for conversation. Someone who I feel like enjoys the same things that I do.... I think you get the picture. Sort of like niche interacting. With that being said, in order for me to be in a relationship with someone, in addition to trusting them wholeheartedly I also have to feel like they make the existence of the other people that I find interesting obsolete. That way, when I get into a relationship with someone, I have no reason to search outside of my relationship for things that I need. I would have someone to talk to, someone I genuinely like, someone I can genuinely enjoy being around (which says ALOT for me... I'm super temperamental about who I share my space with)...Someone I'm attracted to intellectually, someone who keeps it real with me... etc. And that usually works well for me until it doesn't anymore. I see no reason to rush into anything and I generally don't see the benefit of being with someone just because.
I prefer to be with one person in one relationship. I prefer deep personal relationships that are close, intimate, and individualized. Plus, though I'm honest about where I am with things, investing in more than one person at a time is so exhausting. I didn't have time for it before and I have even less time for it now. But I've also KNOWN several cheaters... and this has always been an issue that has interested me. If I was interested enough, I would do my dissertation on it, because it honestly does fascinate me.
Today, though, I have been thinking more about the reasons people get caught in their lies and games moreso than the reasons that they commit these transgressions to begin with. As I mentioned yesterday... I am not sure where I stand on the issue of accepting cheating... But we'll get to that in a second too. Though I think that men and women do cheat for different reasons, I have to believe that the get caught for similar reasons which I will list below and provide examples. I must say, though, that of all of the cheaters that I know or have known, only one female has ever gotten caught. That says a lot. I don't know if they are more aware of their behaviors or what... The chick that I'm thinking of made a very classic mistake that men usually make. She underestimated how much her dude paid attention and she overestimated how slick she was. CLASSIC mistake. This usually has a lot to do with the ego of the person cheating. In this situation, her behavior changed drastically. As a result, her dude went through her phone and noticed some interesting activity between she and a dude that he knew of but didn't know. The activity was interesting more because there were lots of phone calls but no texts though he often witnessed her texting SOMEONE whenever they were together. As such, he saved his number under the number for the dude so that all messages would come to him. In doing so, he realized soon enough that she was also physically and emotionally intimate with this guy and got caught up. Clearly both men and women make this mistake. No surprise there.
Another key mistake that people make is underestimating just how small the world, and more specifically the area that we live in, actually is. I once knew a chick that was dealing with a dude who was friends with some people she was also friends with. In addition to this, one of her friends also happened to be friends with someone who was cool with the dude. She then later found out that several people she knew also worked with the dude and actually was cool with him at work. Needless to say that dude severely underestimated how small the world is, and how small the area they lived in was. There was a gathering with friends at which point he invited a chick that wasn't his girl. He thought he was being slick about it and lied to his girl which she didn't know he was doing at the time. The FUNNIEST thing about this story is that despite all of the people who his chick knew that could have informed his chick... GUESS how she found out about it!?!? She knew someone else that knew the other girl! lol Came up in random conversation! Now I know what you're thinking... His chick was just well connected! lol And I guess that makes sense. But regardless, he was being hot about it and his chick probably would have found out regardless. But the way that she did was priceless. Yea, I'm sure he probably figured he was amongst the loyalty of his friends and therefore wouldn't get caught up. However, he didn't even KNOW that his girl knew co-workers of his. And there was no way he could have seen his full name coming up in conversation between his chick and the chick he decided to bring around. BUT that is the risk that you run when you piss too closely to where you eat. But it's also the risk you run when you're doing dirt. What is done in the dark ALWAYS has its way of surfacing to lighter pastures.
Classic mistake number three involves the people that people cheat with. My ex was so beyond famous for this one. lol And it never failed... well never failed me anyway. He would be creeping with these basic chicks on the low and in the cut but publicly wifing me... And I don't just mean by word of mouth. He spoiled it for anyone else because this dude was honestly the prototype of doing dirt but taking care of home. He was so smart and meticulous about it that I honestly would have given him the benefit of the doubt at first if it were not for these chicks. Don't get me wrong, there were shifts in his behaviors sometimes as well. But what he showed me more than anything was that a determined man could do anything he put his mind to, including cheat while still catering to my every want and need. I remember when I lived in Salisbury in my college apartment. He would literally drive to Salisbury on Friday nights as soon as he got off of work at 5:00pm. He'd pick me up from work and stay for the entire weekend, leave Monday morning. Literally, most weeks, by Tuesday night, he was back at my apartment staying until Wednesday morning. Sometimes, I would see him 5 nights a week plus the weekend. Yeah, it was only a 2 hour drive. But that's two hours backward and forward. Coming and going. And it wasn't just that... anytime I needed or wanted anything, I only had to think it and it was mine. We talked all day everyday. On the phone. Via facebook chat. Just because notes left on the mirror in the morning. Text messages all day in between phone calls. lol Constant communication. So the real questions are :why put in that much work only to cheat? And when are you finding TIME to cheat...? Questions I always asked myself. But I also already knew the answer... Anyway... the fatal flaw. He would be wrapping these joints UP! But then they'd do their research... Look on facebook, pages linked lol status :engaged ... lol Click on albums... pics galore... Look in his phone... Home screen ME lol I call "The Wife" pops up... Super romantical ringtone plays LOUDLY lol... So of course the chicks are like... okay well either "I want THAT"or "maybe she doesn't know about me" lol and they'd blow up his spot. Granted, this was years ago. Lol even happened after his death. Complete his fault though. He underestimated the chicks.
So back to the original question. Do you just hope the person is smart enough or respects you enough that if they plan to cheat, they keep it away from you ? Is that actually respect ? Wouldn't respect involve not cheating at all...? Idk.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
The Ultimate Sacrifice (though not quite as epic as it sounds)
So... I have always been somewhat fascinated by this concept of the 80-20 rule. For those that are unaware, that is the rule that asserts that in a relationship you will generally only have 80% of your needs met by your significant other...and therefore should not be searching for perfection. That same rule also stipulates that if you have someone who is your 80 (so to speak), you should not leave him/her for someone who only has the other 20 which many people do regularly. They leave the 80 in hopes of finding what is missing only to find that the 20 is not nearly as fulfilling as the 80. I like this rule. It is logically sound to me. However, as with most theoretical arguments... Life happens. I distinctly recall people then placing a title on the 20 saying... well what if it's a BIG 20 ... or what if you have a mediocre 80. lol Always makes me laugh.
Anyway... Personally, I usually subscribe to the make a list method. I makes lists for everything and my significant others are no different. I feel like everyone has that list of things that they CANNOT do without in a relationship. And I think that should be the basis of your 80. But I also think that the items at the top of your list should be things you refuse to compromise on. Either way, though, the chances of something being sacrificed is pretty high. And that is where my battle begins. I am not the type of person who foolishly believes that she is every one's cup of tea. I am an acquired taste... I require work and effort. And I am not always easy to deal with. On the other hand, though, I think I offer a very worth-while trade-off. I am smart. I'm honest. I'm intellectually stimulating, when I feel like it. I'm educated. I'm loving. I'm goal-oriented. I'm sophisticated. I'm laid back. I'm assertive. I'm sassy. I'm witty. I love sports. I cook and clean. I'm supportive. I'm a good girl laced with a wealth of spice. But I can be a handful lol. So with all of that being said, I'm sure that someone would be sacrificing a portion of their 100 by settling down with/for me. Which portion, is kinda up to that person's list. Maybe I'm not tall enough. Maybe they don't usually dig brownskin chicks. Maybe I'm to curvy. Maybe my face isn't as cute as they would prefer. Maybe my butt is too big, or maybe not quite big enough... I don't know and quite frankly I don't care. The point is... in both cases there would likely be sacrifices and gains.
A conversation I had last night really made me survey this more closely. It made me question whether or not I believe in giving up one of the most prominent members on my LIST OF LISTS... TRUST!!!! In exchange for happiness... And that really perplexed me... Let me be more specific...I like men... No... Correction... I LOVE men... a LOT. LOL. And so for that reason, it was brought to my attention that most women really do accept the fact that most men cheat... physically, mentally.. often. Or will in their lifetime with a woman. It is a sad reality that many have just accepted. This is not the part that was news to me though. I know men who do and I know men who don't...and have always acknowledged very distinct differences in the way that each carries himself. What perplexed me is that I never saw myself having to accept this "truth..." and yet ... Do I? Is that something I am willing to sacrifice? What if it is put up against remaining single indefinitely instead?
I have always subscribed to the belief that if two people are not able to be fully honest with one another... they do not belong together. If I am not enough for a man... then I'm just not the one for him... Any man who cheats is just not into the person he is with... There is always room for complete honesty...regardless of the situation...
I have lived by these despite knowing so many people who fall into differing categories on this huge spectrum labeled 'Relational Trust'... And yet here I am... Curious... So back to different men with different means... I will not name names here ... but these are all real life examples... Example one... He is okay on the eyes, VERY intelligent... VERY driven [by money]... VERY disrespectful but funny in a somewhat jerky way... Easy as crap to talk to regardless of the topic... HUGE freak... and brutally honest til the bitter end. He's trustworthy. Wants to be in a healthy, fulfilling, committed relationship one day. Could be trusted with one's life and heart. But I do not under any circumstance want to be in a relationship with him of any sort...EVER! Strange right? Especially considering the fact that trust is one of my untouchables.... But it's true. Because there is so much more to this story. This particular person partakes in some very shady business endeavors. He is also very disrespectful and though I fully respect that we think and see things differently... we do not have the same outlook on life or the way it should be lived. And as a result, I have ruled him out completely as a candidate.
I know another guy... Very cool and chill and laid back. Funny. Fun to be around. Smooth talker. Has an answer for everything. Great with words. Convinced he can outsmart any and everyone which is just as endearing and attractive as it is annoying and alarming. Makes a girl feel important and like she is the only thing that exists when they are together... and occasionally when they are apart. Engages in genuine conversation and banter. Romantic. Flashy. BUT all of his friends warn the chick when he's not around. "you sure about this?" "does he tell you he's not doin him? Oh... true...but he was just with... smh nvm" "He's not to be trusted..." "I think you're great for him but I question his ability to be good for you" lol Talk about RED FLAGS! No trust... but so many other awesome qualities... Says he wants to settle down one day...and may even play good for a while... But somehow some way always finds his way back to the pup house...
Example number three is a very lowkey type dude. Respectful. Humble. Intelligent. Funny. Talented. Attractive in a very unassuming way. Honest and trustworthy as the day is long. But very chill and laid back. So chill and laid back that you'd actually have to verbally inquire about his level of interest. Doesn't believe in romance or wining and dining. Genuine to all of his beliefs to the core. Simple. Easy to please. But also a bit selfish. Old school values... New school mentality...
The examples could go on for days... But I don't have that kind of time and I don't want to get too far away from the point. Each of these people represent, in some way, guys in general that I know and have encountered... that my friends know and have encountered... that exist in the general dating population... And with that... how does one decide what is right for them and what is not? Do you trust the words of a person's friends based on the fact that they probably know him better than anyone...? Plus seeing as how they would USUALLY be on his side....why would they be giving you this info? Is it possible that he's reformed? Do you stay away? In example one... Do you ignore the fact that you both don't want the same things for the fact that he is trustworthy? In example two, do you ignore the fact that you can't seem to trust him based on your thoughts and the opinions of those that know him best... as a trade off for the excitement and way that he makes you feel? In example three do you go in favor of the stability of it all despite likely not feeling very cherished, or special, or wanted? Or do you opt to just be alone...or play the field which can still be lonely because you can't decide on a worthwhile compromise? To me... and this may just be me... But trust is very easy to gain (usually) and very hard to restore once a person has broken it. It is the base for every relationship because you build everything else upon that. And like any structure, when the foundation is rocky... the remainder is difficult to keep in tact. So by sacrificing trust... aren't you ultimately sacrificing everything? But at the same time, who wants a stable house that they can't live in? It all seems so counter productive to me which is why I usually have no interest in the matter at all. It just seems like ultimately... you end up sacrificing what is most important to you in order to maintain something that may not really be working at all And as cynical as that sounds and feels... it is ultimately true.
Lies and deceit are something that I have always sworn to myself that I would not put up with in a relationship. And yet I've done it... unhappily might I add. But the real question is whether or not they are an unavoidable inevitability at this stage in the game? Do people lie to keep things working in their favor? Do they lie to avoid losing what they think they have? Even then, why not just ACTUALLY do what it takes to keep what you say you want? Too many questions... Not enough answers... OY!
Anyway... Personally, I usually subscribe to the make a list method. I makes lists for everything and my significant others are no different. I feel like everyone has that list of things that they CANNOT do without in a relationship. And I think that should be the basis of your 80. But I also think that the items at the top of your list should be things you refuse to compromise on. Either way, though, the chances of something being sacrificed is pretty high. And that is where my battle begins. I am not the type of person who foolishly believes that she is every one's cup of tea. I am an acquired taste... I require work and effort. And I am not always easy to deal with. On the other hand, though, I think I offer a very worth-while trade-off. I am smart. I'm honest. I'm intellectually stimulating, when I feel like it. I'm educated. I'm loving. I'm goal-oriented. I'm sophisticated. I'm laid back. I'm assertive. I'm sassy. I'm witty. I love sports. I cook and clean. I'm supportive. I'm a good girl laced with a wealth of spice. But I can be a handful lol. So with all of that being said, I'm sure that someone would be sacrificing a portion of their 100 by settling down with/for me. Which portion, is kinda up to that person's list. Maybe I'm not tall enough. Maybe they don't usually dig brownskin chicks. Maybe I'm to curvy. Maybe my face isn't as cute as they would prefer. Maybe my butt is too big, or maybe not quite big enough... I don't know and quite frankly I don't care. The point is... in both cases there would likely be sacrifices and gains.
A conversation I had last night really made me survey this more closely. It made me question whether or not I believe in giving up one of the most prominent members on my LIST OF LISTS... TRUST!!!! In exchange for happiness... And that really perplexed me... Let me be more specific...
I have lived by these despite knowing so many people who fall into differing categories on this huge spectrum labeled 'Relational Trust'... And yet here I am... Curious... So back to different men with different means... I will not name names here ... but these are all real life examples... Example one... He is okay on the eyes, VERY intelligent... VERY driven [by money]... VERY disrespectful but funny in a somewhat jerky way... Easy as crap to talk to regardless of the topic... HUGE freak... and brutally honest til the bitter end. He's trustworthy. Wants to be in a healthy, fulfilling, committed relationship one day. Could be trusted with one's life and heart. But I do not under any circumstance want to be in a relationship with him of any sort...EVER! Strange right? Especially considering the fact that trust is one of my untouchables.... But it's true. Because there is so much more to this story. This particular person partakes in some very shady business endeavors. He is also very disrespectful and though I fully respect that we think and see things differently... we do not have the same outlook on life or the way it should be lived. And as a result, I have ruled him out completely as a candidate.
I know another guy... Very cool and chill and laid back. Funny. Fun to be around. Smooth talker. Has an answer for everything. Great with words. Convinced he can outsmart any and everyone which is just as endearing and attractive as it is annoying and alarming. Makes a girl feel important and like she is the only thing that exists when they are together... and occasionally when they are apart. Engages in genuine conversation and banter. Romantic. Flashy. BUT all of his friends warn the chick when he's not around. "you sure about this?" "does he tell you he's not doin him? Oh... true...but he was just with... smh nvm" "He's not to be trusted..." "I think you're great for him but I question his ability to be good for you" lol Talk about RED FLAGS! No trust... but so many other awesome qualities... Says he wants to settle down one day...and may even play good for a while... But somehow some way always finds his way back to the pup house...
Example number three is a very lowkey type dude. Respectful. Humble. Intelligent. Funny. Talented. Attractive in a very unassuming way. Honest and trustworthy as the day is long. But very chill and laid back. So chill and laid back that you'd actually have to verbally inquire about his level of interest. Doesn't believe in romance or wining and dining. Genuine to all of his beliefs to the core. Simple. Easy to please. But also a bit selfish. Old school values... New school mentality...
The examples could go on for days... But I don't have that kind of time and I don't want to get too far away from the point. Each of these people represent, in some way, guys in general that I know and have encountered... that my friends know and have encountered... that exist in the general dating population... And with that... how does one decide what is right for them and what is not? Do you trust the words of a person's friends based on the fact that they probably know him better than anyone...? Plus seeing as how they would USUALLY be on his side....why would they be giving you this info? Is it possible that he's reformed? Do you stay away? In example one... Do you ignore the fact that you both don't want the same things for the fact that he is trustworthy? In example two, do you ignore the fact that you can't seem to trust him based on your thoughts and the opinions of those that know him best... as a trade off for the excitement and way that he makes you feel? In example three do you go in favor of the stability of it all despite likely not feeling very cherished, or special, or wanted? Or do you opt to just be alone...or play the field which can still be lonely because you can't decide on a worthwhile compromise? To me... and this may just be me... But trust is very easy to gain (usually) and very hard to restore once a person has broken it. It is the base for every relationship because you build everything else upon that. And like any structure, when the foundation is rocky... the remainder is difficult to keep in tact. So by sacrificing trust... aren't you ultimately sacrificing everything? But at the same time, who wants a stable house that they can't live in? It all seems so counter productive to me which is why I usually have no interest in the matter at all. It just seems like ultimately... you end up sacrificing what is most important to you in order to maintain something that may not really be working at all And as cynical as that sounds and feels... it is ultimately true.
Lies and deceit are something that I have always sworn to myself that I would not put up with in a relationship. And yet I've done it... unhappily might I add. But the real question is whether or not they are an unavoidable inevitability at this stage in the game? Do people lie to keep things working in their favor? Do they lie to avoid losing what they think they have? Even then, why not just ACTUALLY do what it takes to keep what you say you want? Too many questions... Not enough answers... OY!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Irrationality
I tend to think that most of my blogs are pretty self reflective. I do my best to make it clear that these are my thoughts and my views on a specific topic. I don't expect for others to agree, and often like it when my thoughts are challenged because I am always up for a sound logical debate. However, I think this one will be a bit more introspective than most.
I have always considered myself to be a somewhat rational person, almost to fault. And I see that in myself more now than ever because I am really taking the time to get to know myself and fall in and out of love with myself lately. It's the main reason I refuse to be in a relationship at present, and it is the main reason that I don't ever mind spending time alone or declining offers to go out and do things. I like finding new things that I love about myself. I also like recognizing things that I am not too keen on and finding ways to improve upon those things. And mostly I enjoy stumbling upon constants that don't seem to be going anywhere. I think I am finally at a place where I can appreciate them and use them for my advancement.
Anyway... I have never been a fan of irrationality. I don't like it when people behave in an uncontrollable manner and have no real sound reasoning for why they have done what they have done. It isn't that I don't think that everyone has irrational thoughts or behaviors, because they do... we do... all of us. But I don't like it when people let irrationality win. And I also think that my definition for psychosis is when this happens perpetually. With this too, though, comes the need to acknowledge that what is irrational to one person may not be irrational to the next. And therefore, societal norms regulate what is and isn't rational.
When it comes to me, though, I do not hold myself to the same standard that I hold others to. My standard is a bit higher and somewhat more intense. So when I have thoughts and feelings that are not rational to me... it usually causes me to behave in a different way.This is especially true when someone else is involved. Because I feel like my thoughts are irrational, I won't want to discuss them. I will just try to bury them or come up with some rational resolve to replace them with. But when that doesn't work, I will usually be somewhat passive aggressive toward the person because I'm not good when I can't vent my feelings on a certain topic....
So then the irrationality that I was trying to defeat in the first place wins because now it is influencing my behavior and I am blaming the person for something that I have not brought to their attention (which I also hate... btw)...
So... lol This blog is pointless in a way because I have found no resolve here. I refuse to bring up thoughts that I find to be irrational because that isn't fair... But if I don't talk about it... then I will behave a bit irrationally too... which also isn't fair.
I hate this about myself... smh.
Friday, September 14, 2012
On Courting
On Courting …
So the other day I was reading one of the blogs that I follow... The author of which happens to be an extremely talented young man that I have the pleasure of ACTUALLY knowing, as a person... And I stumbled upon a word... and somewhat dismissive definition (in my opinion)... C O U R T I N G... Anyone who knows me, and my innermost thoughts somewhat personally, also knows that this is a topic that is relatively near and dear to my heart. I have very specific views on it and have done quite a bit of research on its origin, definition, and inner workings through television, literature, and Disney movies... All of which will be made evident in the proceeding... lol But it sort of hit me that so many people don’t view this the way that I do... And that its evolution in general has morphed the word into exactly what the gentleman that I mentioned above sees it as... DATING!
Okay... so let’s get technical for a moment. When I saw the definition in the blog (which was later argued as a simple way of putting it... ←- “we don’t believe you, you need more people”)... I went straight to my dictionary app on my phone. There was no way that this was an accurate definition of the word. No way. So... according to Webster’s... Courting is “to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from.” And after copying and pasting the CORRECT definition of the word to the person who abused it... I thought to myself... ‘exactly!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating, hooking up, talking, all of those lovely things that young people are running around doing in both monogamous and polygamous fashions... However that is not to be confused with courting which is something that is a little more sacred and special.
Now in the olden days... And by olden I don’t quite mean pre-historic at which point I’m pretty sure men just married or shacked up with whichever woman they could carry at the moment... and I also don’t quite mean the years of Good Times and Amen... Although I’ll get to that in a minute too... I’m referring more to the civilized era of petticoats and white wigs... That is where I picture courting being born... Initially, the process of courting a woman first meant that you had to go through her father for permission. However, also during those times, status and wealth had a lot to do with who was publicly free to court whom... and so these things sometimes went a bit differently based on circumstance... But essentially the man would have to not only make it clear that he was fully capable of supporting the woman and making her his wife... but that he was respectful of her and intent upon proving so. Men would come to the living quarters of the woman and just sit.... for hours at a time... Perhaps play a game of chess or some other monotonous activity just to be in the presence of the woman... And in return, if the chick was digging him too, she would provide him with some sort of favor of hers... A breast-kerchief (as I like to call it lol) or a sentimental broche for him to remember her by in her absence. A slight favor that said that she, too, was interested in the courtship and that his work was not unnoted. Now, we can fast forward a bit to the “Good Times” era that i spoke of before because there are examples of courtship there too. Remember when Thelma was dating that guy... I can’t remember his name... But I distinctly recall him always having to sit in the living room with the rest of the family... Despite the fact that she was pretty much a grown woman. I’ve heard my parents tell similar stories of dates having to involve other family members. And this hits a little bit closer to home. Most guys were probably not looking at a woman and thinking of how much he wanted to respect her and appreciate her... But instead he probably endured everything that he knew would be required in order to get with her... in every sense of the word.
Though I love the idea of a man thinking a woman is worth all of these wonderful things and behaving a certain way as a reflection of his feelings for her... The more realistic possibility is that he is doing what it takes because it is what he wants... and has accepted that task... It’s more practical and equally as respectable. In all of these cases, though, the man would do the majority of the work to prove himself because he knew that in the end he was receiving a prize. And therefore, putting in work on the front end guaranteed him something of value on the back end. Therefore driving (or walking... or now metroing) to her house, putting up with her family, paying for movies and glass bottles of soda pop, buying food, buying concert tickets for a show that he never wanted to see just so it would make her happy... opening car doors, going without nookie... all of these things were the price he had to pay for a top quality chick. Sure he could go make out behind the bleachers with one of the fast chicks that would give it up in a second.... sure he could go over her house whenever he wanted to and have his way with her no questions asked... sure he probably didn’t have to wine or dine her at all... But at the same time,here, work was easily equated to worth [[see previous blogs for this phenomenon]]. And so if he wanted someone who he could marry and bring home to his mother... he was going to have to do what it took. Again, respectable...
So all of this, of course begs the question of how this translates to 21st century living, and what has changed!? My honest answer... Women and the value thereof... And I’m not talking about the socially imposed value of women, though this plays a role in it too. But I’m referring to the self-imposed value that we as women give ourselves. It is a direct reflection of the way that mothers AND ESPECIALLY fathers are raising their daughters (which I will get to in a minute), and then consequently what the women who grow are willing to accept themselves. And we have all been guilty of it. We have all required less than what we deserve. We have all cried over someone’s son who did not deserve our tears or our time, or our nookie for that matter. We have all given it away to someone who wasn’t worth the gum on the bottom of a 4 year-old’s shoe. We have all been the product of treatment less than our actual worth. But it has perpetuated beyond necessity and it honestly has to stop somewhere.
Here’s my thing... Women are in a different place now altogether. We are educated. We are able to vote. We may not get paid as well as men everywhere in every profession, but we are working our way there. We are strong. We are independent. Anything they can do, we can do better... Right??? eh... I’m not too sure. I love the song Miss Independent (the remix) because I couldn’t say it better myself... “There is nothing that’s more sexy, than a girl that wants but don’t need me...” So where does this leave men if we are truly capable of all of the above? And not only that but where does it leave dating and more importantly courting? Men don’t court women anymore. For some reason the right to be independent has also given us the right to be wild, lose, and unrespectable in so many eyes; including our own. One of my best friends believes in courting while the other doesn’t... something else I realized today while pondering this topic. But I think a compromise is in order, and I think it is in order FAST! TO ME, when a man honestly feels a certain way about a woman... the way that he should feel when he wants to spend his life, and create a life with her... he will do whatever it takes in order to win her favor. He will court her. And some of it will be by way of his natural inclination... but some of it will be because of the standards that she sets for herself. In order for him to give of himself though, there has to be something about her that still makes him feel like he is getting a prize in the end! And for that to happen, the woman has to know, herself, that she is a prize! The way that she requires for others to treat her should always be a direct reflection of the way that she treats herself! She sets the tone! She provides the example. Somewhere along the journey, we seem to have forgotten that. And on this quest to gain the “power” that we assume independence brings, we have lost some power as well. The sex thing... for instance... Yes.. Human beings are sexual beings... We are physically attractive and attracted to one another. But it is also important to remember what sex means to men. Women, we really are not built like them, nor should we be. Sorry... Now this is in no way meant to insinuate that we are incapable of sex without feelings or that double standards are fair... Neither is the point or the case. However, in order for us to understand our value we also have to understand the value of what is in between our legs and how much of ourselves we give away every time we have a new sexual partner. The female anatomy is something that has been fought for, fought over, sought after, chased, you name it... men have done it in order to get to it! So why not use it as leverage...!? They expect us to … Or at least they used to... And of course we are much more than just this. And we’d absolutely better be. But just as our brains are valuable and we never want to undermine how important they are... We should never undermine the power of the V either! After all, it is what separates us and it is the ultimate conquest.
So understanding that the V is important is part of it. But being MORE than just that is the other part. Having standards, being supportive, having goals, having ideas, intellect, taking pride in ourselves... these are just a few of the things that make us great and make us worth protecting and worth caring for and providing for... Worth opening the car door for and remembering to put the toilet seat down. We are all of those things, and therein lies the prize. But we have to know it...especially if we want them to know it.
Now back to courting. To me, courting is more than just the behaviors that a man partakes in when interested in a woman... It is the intent behind it. It is the consistency. It is the genuineness and honesty. I cannot stand it when a man puts tons of effort into a woman that he’s actually treating badly or cheating on... Or worse, when a man puts in work then reverses his behaviors once he gets what he was after. But again, in that case... that man probably was not courting... he was acting with a desired outcome.... Anyway, a man in courting is one with a mission...with a purpose. His approach will be different because his outlook is different. Here, this is why I don’t just mean causal or even serious dating... This man feels he has met his match, his equal...his rib... I don’t mean to say that if a man doesn’t feel this strongly about the chick he is seeing he should stop reading. But I am being very intentional about my language... Because courting is something that a man does when he is hoping to show a woman that he is worth marrying and furthermore worth her hand in marriage... which to him is a prize... A man in courting is not a perfect man. Furthermore, courting is not synonymous with chivalry... Although a man in courting is probably a chivalrous man... He is intentional about getting to know her... He is clear about his intentions (even if he is subtle about it)... He is attentive to her needs, her shifts in mood, her differences in opinion... and he is concerned about her opinions of him. This does not mean that he changes who he is completely. However, if she has a problem with his behavior, he will at the very least begin to examine those behaviors and compare them to her definition of a mate... and at most, he will change them completely if that means keeping her around. If he is still a bit immature, as many PEOPLE are, he may lie in the beginning when he’s afraid of displeasing her and then realize that there is no reason to lie to the person who should eventually know you better than anyone else. My point is... he will make mistakes. But he will learn from them. He will want to make her happy because his happiness is tied to hers.
So, courting in these times... What does that look like? Well, first of all, a woman has to be woman enough to understand that deserving protection and provision in no way makes her weak. It does not take away from any of her accomplishments or her independents. But it shows that she is a prize. The same way that men polish, protect, honor and obey their vehicles (regardless of how raggedy or glamorous) is the same way he should want to protect his woman... his wife. But I’m not going to get into the metaphor of boys and their toys because it's not as essential to the point. If he values it, he will protect it. And you want to be valued ladies... TRUST ME! Now... I do not think that women are therefore incapable of providing things to the equation as well. However, there has to be balance. A man has to feel like a man. A man has to know that he is the deciding force in his home, and we have to make them feel this way. I’m still torn on my thoughts about meeting half-way because I am very in love with my old school conservative views and I own that. But I do think that women can partake in the effort within reason. You can drive to him sometimes, but that does not negate his obligation to put in effort. You can plan a date sometimes, and pay for it... But on occasion... And if that seems selfish, I apologize. But I think that to a certain extent, money means more to men than it does to women and there are other areas of the relationship for which the female expertise should be utilized. That also means, though, that women have to get out of the mentality that men will always be white knights riding in on white Lambos.... because that isn’t realistic or fair. I’m not saying that the man should have to front all of the effort... But I am saying that his effort should match his interest and how serious he is and a woman will not be able to gauge that at all if she is always offering to do all of the work because she’s too independent to be cared for. Yes you have a car... but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pick you up and take you out on dates. Yes you can pay for your own dinner but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD make it clear to you that not only is he positioned to take care of you... but that he genuinely wants to and is happy to do so because you are a prize. I could also go in depth about ways to show him that he is a prize...which if he is...and he has proven himself SPECIFICALLY THROUGH COURTSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY THROUGH MARRIAGE... you should make it clear to him that he is valued and valuable... But I will leave that portion for another blog on another day because this one is all about courtship...
Now.. Gentlemen have their roles cut out for them. But I do not think that those roles are as clear as they should be. Part of that is our fault as women. But part of it is really just the age-old story of research to practice! I read something the other day that COMPLETELY left me baffled by how true it was... and that almost never happens... It basically said that men should treat women the way they would want their daughters, sisters, and mothers to be treated... and yet many do not! [[GAAAAAAAAASP!!!!]] Now, in an effort not to get too deep with the finger pointing here... I will simply provide the thoughts I had on the topic today in a very generalized way. The relationship between a father and his daughter... At least the way that that relationship should go: When your daughter is born...she is the apple of your eye. You love, cherish, and protect her. You clean her up, you coddle her, you are proud that you were able to create something so perfect. And you vow from that point forward that as her father, as long as you live, there will never be a want that she has that goes unsatisfied! She will never go without. She will never know pain, or fear, or loneliness, or lack hope. Why? Because Daddy will see to it that all of her needs, wants and desires are met. And if any person, male or female DARES to disrespect her... PCHFT! ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY... Because otherwise, he would feel your wrath. As she grows, you are careful with her feelings and with her heart. You make sure she is fed on time. You see to it that the safety provisions of her car seat are secure. You even check the car she’ll be riding in, TWICE! So much care and maintenance goes into this relationship! As it should. You are also setting an example for her of what a man should always do if he ever wants to even think of looking in her direction... ONLY THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY! ←-------
[[INSERT BLARING OBNOXIOUS LIGHTS]] THAT!!!!!!!! Ladies and gents, is what a man in courtship looks like. Clearly, the devotion and feelings are a bit different for the woman he is dating and/or courting. But the behaviors are the same, and the reasoning is the same too. She is the prize that he is tasked with protecting and maintaining. It’s much more than dating. It’s far more involved. And it should be. The stakes are higher, the prizes-rewards-and benefits are better, and the disdain for failure is thicker. That’s my point! So women, do a better job of being a prize worth protecting... ESPECIALLY SO before you send another tweet about being taken on a $200 date! Get yourself together so that when someone worth your time comes along, you can recognize him.... One because he’s not doing anything you don’t already do for yourself and therefore you can see him more clearly... But TWO because he’s doing it from a very genuine place and could be exactly what you DESERVE... And men, think more clearly about what you want in life, and what you need... and the type of person you’d like to share all of that with. And when you find her... treat her as such, as she could be exactly what you need and what YOU deserve.
So the other day I was reading one of the blogs that I follow... The author of which happens to be an extremely talented young man that I have the pleasure of ACTUALLY knowing, as a person... And I stumbled upon a word... and somewhat dismissive definition (in my opinion)... C O U R T I N G... Anyone who knows me, and my innermost thoughts somewhat personally, also knows that this is a topic that is relatively near and dear to my heart. I have very specific views on it and have done quite a bit of research on its origin, definition, and inner workings through television, literature, and Disney movies... All of which will be made evident in the proceeding... lol But it sort of hit me that so many people don’t view this the way that I do... And that its evolution in general has morphed the word into exactly what the gentleman that I mentioned above sees it as... DATING!
Okay... so let’s get technical for a moment. When I saw the definition in the blog (which was later argued as a simple way of putting it... ←- “we don’t believe you, you need more people”)... I went straight to my dictionary app on my phone. There was no way that this was an accurate definition of the word. No way. So... according to Webster’s... Courting is “to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from.” And after copying and pasting the CORRECT definition of the word to the person who abused it... I thought to myself... ‘exactly!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating, hooking up, talking, all of those lovely things that young people are running around doing in both monogamous and polygamous fashions... However that is not to be confused with courting which is something that is a little more sacred and special.
Now in the olden days... And by olden I don’t quite mean pre-historic at which point I’m pretty sure men just married or shacked up with whichever woman they could carry at the moment... and I also don’t quite mean the years of Good Times and Amen... Although I’ll get to that in a minute too... I’m referring more to the civilized era of petticoats and white wigs... That is where I picture courting being born... Initially, the process of courting a woman first meant that you had to go through her father for permission. However, also during those times, status and wealth had a lot to do with who was publicly free to court whom... and so these things sometimes went a bit differently based on circumstance... But essentially the man would have to not only make it clear that he was fully capable of supporting the woman and making her his wife... but that he was respectful of her and intent upon proving so. Men would come to the living quarters of the woman and just sit.... for hours at a time... Perhaps play a game of chess or some other monotonous activity just to be in the presence of the woman... And in return, if the chick was digging him too, she would provide him with some sort of favor of hers... A breast-kerchief (as I like to call it lol) or a sentimental broche for him to remember her by in her absence. A slight favor that said that she, too, was interested in the courtship and that his work was not unnoted. Now, we can fast forward a bit to the “Good Times” era that i spoke of before because there are examples of courtship there too. Remember when Thelma was dating that guy... I can’t remember his name... But I distinctly recall him always having to sit in the living room with the rest of the family... Despite the fact that she was pretty much a grown woman. I’ve heard my parents tell similar stories of dates having to involve other family members. And this hits a little bit closer to home. Most guys were probably not looking at a woman and thinking of how much he wanted to respect her and appreciate her... But instead he probably endured everything that he knew would be required in order to get with her... in every sense of the word.
Though I love the idea of a man thinking a woman is worth all of these wonderful things and behaving a certain way as a reflection of his feelings for her... The more realistic possibility is that he is doing what it takes because it is what he wants... and has accepted that task... It’s more practical and equally as respectable. In all of these cases, though, the man would do the majority of the work to prove himself because he knew that in the end he was receiving a prize. And therefore, putting in work on the front end guaranteed him something of value on the back end. Therefore driving (or walking... or now metroing) to her house, putting up with her family, paying for movies and glass bottles of soda pop, buying food, buying concert tickets for a show that he never wanted to see just so it would make her happy... opening car doors, going without nookie... all of these things were the price he had to pay for a top quality chick. Sure he could go make out behind the bleachers with one of the fast chicks that would give it up in a second.... sure he could go over her house whenever he wanted to and have his way with her no questions asked... sure he probably didn’t have to wine or dine her at all... But at the same time,here, work was easily equated to worth [[see previous blogs for this phenomenon]]. And so if he wanted someone who he could marry and bring home to his mother... he was going to have to do what it took. Again, respectable...
So all of this, of course begs the question of how this translates to 21st century living, and what has changed!? My honest answer... Women and the value thereof... And I’m not talking about the socially imposed value of women, though this plays a role in it too. But I’m referring to the self-imposed value that we as women give ourselves. It is a direct reflection of the way that mothers AND ESPECIALLY fathers are raising their daughters (which I will get to in a minute), and then consequently what the women who grow are willing to accept themselves. And we have all been guilty of it. We have all required less than what we deserve. We have all cried over someone’s son who did not deserve our tears or our time, or our nookie for that matter. We have all given it away to someone who wasn’t worth the gum on the bottom of a 4 year-old’s shoe. We have all been the product of treatment less than our actual worth. But it has perpetuated beyond necessity and it honestly has to stop somewhere.
Here’s my thing... Women are in a different place now altogether. We are educated. We are able to vote. We may not get paid as well as men everywhere in every profession, but we are working our way there. We are strong. We are independent. Anything they can do, we can do better... Right??? eh... I’m not too sure. I love the song Miss Independent (the remix) because I couldn’t say it better myself... “There is nothing that’s more sexy, than a girl that wants but don’t need me...” So where does this leave men if we are truly capable of all of the above? And not only that but where does it leave dating and more importantly courting? Men don’t court women anymore. For some reason the right to be independent has also given us the right to be wild, lose, and unrespectable in so many eyes; including our own. One of my best friends believes in courting while the other doesn’t... something else I realized today while pondering this topic. But I think a compromise is in order, and I think it is in order FAST! TO ME, when a man honestly feels a certain way about a woman... the way that he should feel when he wants to spend his life, and create a life with her... he will do whatever it takes in order to win her favor. He will court her. And some of it will be by way of his natural inclination... but some of it will be because of the standards that she sets for herself. In order for him to give of himself though, there has to be something about her that still makes him feel like he is getting a prize in the end! And for that to happen, the woman has to know, herself, that she is a prize! The way that she requires for others to treat her should always be a direct reflection of the way that she treats herself! She sets the tone! She provides the example. Somewhere along the journey, we seem to have forgotten that. And on this quest to gain the “power” that we assume independence brings, we have lost some power as well. The sex thing... for instance... Yes.. Human beings are sexual beings... We are physically attractive and attracted to one another. But it is also important to remember what sex means to men. Women, we really are not built like them, nor should we be. Sorry... Now this is in no way meant to insinuate that we are incapable of sex without feelings or that double standards are fair... Neither is the point or the case. However, in order for us to understand our value we also have to understand the value of what is in between our legs and how much of ourselves we give away every time we have a new sexual partner. The female anatomy is something that has been fought for, fought over, sought after, chased, you name it... men have done it in order to get to it! So why not use it as leverage...!? They expect us to … Or at least they used to... And of course we are much more than just this. And we’d absolutely better be. But just as our brains are valuable and we never want to undermine how important they are... We should never undermine the power of the V either! After all, it is what separates us and it is the ultimate conquest.
So understanding that the V is important is part of it. But being MORE than just that is the other part. Having standards, being supportive, having goals, having ideas, intellect, taking pride in ourselves... these are just a few of the things that make us great and make us worth protecting and worth caring for and providing for... Worth opening the car door for and remembering to put the toilet seat down. We are all of those things, and therein lies the prize. But we have to know it...especially if we want them to know it.
Now back to courting. To me, courting is more than just the behaviors that a man partakes in when interested in a woman... It is the intent behind it. It is the consistency. It is the genuineness and honesty. I cannot stand it when a man puts tons of effort into a woman that he’s actually treating badly or cheating on... Or worse, when a man puts in work then reverses his behaviors once he gets what he was after. But again, in that case... that man probably was not courting... he was acting with a desired outcome.... Anyway, a man in courting is one with a mission...with a purpose. His approach will be different because his outlook is different. Here, this is why I don’t just mean causal or even serious dating... This man feels he has met his match, his equal...his rib... I don’t mean to say that if a man doesn’t feel this strongly about the chick he is seeing he should stop reading. But I am being very intentional about my language... Because courting is something that a man does when he is hoping to show a woman that he is worth marrying and furthermore worth her hand in marriage... which to him is a prize... A man in courting is not a perfect man. Furthermore, courting is not synonymous with chivalry... Although a man in courting is probably a chivalrous man... He is intentional about getting to know her... He is clear about his intentions (even if he is subtle about it)... He is attentive to her needs, her shifts in mood, her differences in opinion... and he is concerned about her opinions of him. This does not mean that he changes who he is completely. However, if she has a problem with his behavior, he will at the very least begin to examine those behaviors and compare them to her definition of a mate... and at most, he will change them completely if that means keeping her around. If he is still a bit immature, as many PEOPLE are, he may lie in the beginning when he’s afraid of displeasing her and then realize that there is no reason to lie to the person who should eventually know you better than anyone else. My point is... he will make mistakes. But he will learn from them. He will want to make her happy because his happiness is tied to hers.
So, courting in these times... What does that look like? Well, first of all, a woman has to be woman enough to understand that deserving protection and provision in no way makes her weak. It does not take away from any of her accomplishments or her independents. But it shows that she is a prize. The same way that men polish, protect, honor and obey their vehicles (regardless of how raggedy or glamorous) is the same way he should want to protect his woman... his wife. But I’m not going to get into the metaphor of boys and their toys because it's not as essential to the point. If he values it, he will protect it. And you want to be valued ladies... TRUST ME! Now... I do not think that women are therefore incapable of providing things to the equation as well. However, there has to be balance. A man has to feel like a man. A man has to know that he is the deciding force in his home, and we have to make them feel this way. I’m still torn on my thoughts about meeting half-way because I am very in love with my old school conservative views and I own that. But I do think that women can partake in the effort within reason. You can drive to him sometimes, but that does not negate his obligation to put in effort. You can plan a date sometimes, and pay for it... But on occasion... And if that seems selfish, I apologize. But I think that to a certain extent, money means more to men than it does to women and there are other areas of the relationship for which the female expertise should be utilized. That also means, though, that women have to get out of the mentality that men will always be white knights riding in on white Lambos.... because that isn’t realistic or fair. I’m not saying that the man should have to front all of the effort... But I am saying that his effort should match his interest and how serious he is and a woman will not be able to gauge that at all if she is always offering to do all of the work because she’s too independent to be cared for. Yes you have a car... but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pick you up and take you out on dates. Yes you can pay for your own dinner but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD make it clear to you that not only is he positioned to take care of you... but that he genuinely wants to and is happy to do so because you are a prize. I could also go in depth about ways to show him that he is a prize...which if he is...and he has proven himself SPECIFICALLY THROUGH COURTSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY THROUGH MARRIAGE... you should make it clear to him that he is valued and valuable... But I will leave that portion for another blog on another day because this one is all about courtship...
Now.. Gentlemen have their roles cut out for them. But I do not think that those roles are as clear as they should be. Part of that is our fault as women. But part of it is really just the age-old story of research to practice! I read something the other day that COMPLETELY left me baffled by how true it was... and that almost never happens... It basically said that men should treat women the way they would want their daughters, sisters, and mothers to be treated... and yet many do not! [[GAAAAAAAAASP!!!!]] Now, in an effort not to get too deep with the finger pointing here... I will simply provide the thoughts I had on the topic today in a very generalized way. The relationship between a father and his daughter... At least the way that that relationship should go: When your daughter is born...she is the apple of your eye. You love, cherish, and protect her. You clean her up, you coddle her, you are proud that you were able to create something so perfect. And you vow from that point forward that as her father, as long as you live, there will never be a want that she has that goes unsatisfied! She will never go without. She will never know pain, or fear, or loneliness, or lack hope. Why? Because Daddy will see to it that all of her needs, wants and desires are met. And if any person, male or female DARES to disrespect her... PCHFT! ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY... Because otherwise, he would feel your wrath. As she grows, you are careful with her feelings and with her heart. You make sure she is fed on time. You see to it that the safety provisions of her car seat are secure. You even check the car she’ll be riding in, TWICE! So much care and maintenance goes into this relationship! As it should. You are also setting an example for her of what a man should always do if he ever wants to even think of looking in her direction... ONLY THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY! ←-------
[[INSERT BLARING OBNOXIOUS LIGHTS]] THAT!!!!!!!! Ladies and gents, is what a man in courtship looks like. Clearly, the devotion and feelings are a bit different for the woman he is dating and/or courting. But the behaviors are the same, and the reasoning is the same too. She is the prize that he is tasked with protecting and maintaining. It’s much more than dating. It’s far more involved. And it should be. The stakes are higher, the prizes-rewards-and benefits are better, and the disdain for failure is thicker. That’s my point! So women, do a better job of being a prize worth protecting... ESPECIALLY SO before you send another tweet about being taken on a $200 date! Get yourself together so that when someone worth your time comes along, you can recognize him.... One because he’s not doing anything you don’t already do for yourself and therefore you can see him more clearly... But TWO because he’s doing it from a very genuine place and could be exactly what you DESERVE... And men, think more clearly about what you want in life, and what you need... and the type of person you’d like to share all of that with. And when you find her... treat her as such, as she could be exactly what you need and what YOU deserve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
