The Ultimate Sacrifice (though not quite as epic as it sounds)

So... I have always been somewhat fascinated by this concept of the 80-20 rule. For those that are unaware, that is the rule that asserts that in a relationship you will generally only have 80% of your needs met by your significant other...and therefore should not be searching for perfection. That same rule also stipulates that if you have someone who is your 80 (so to speak), you should not leave him/her for someone who only has the other 20 which many people do regularly. They leave the 80 in hopes of finding what is missing only to find that the 20 is not nearly as fulfilling as the 80. I like this rule. It is logically sound to me. However, as with most theoretical arguments... Life happens. I distinctly recall people then placing a title on the 20 saying... well what if it's a BIG 20 ... or what if you have a mediocre 80. lol Always makes me laugh.

Anyway... Personally, I usually subscribe to the make a list method. I makes lists for everything and my significant others are no different. I feel like everyone has that list of things that they CANNOT do without in a relationship. And I think that should be the basis of your 80. But I also think that the items at the top of your list should be things you refuse to compromise on. Either way, though, the chances of something being sacrificed is pretty high. And that is where my battle begins. I am not the type of person who foolishly believes that she is every one's cup of tea. I am an acquired taste... I require work and effort. And I am not always easy to deal with. On the other hand, though, I think I offer a very worth-while trade-off. I am smart. I'm honest. I'm intellectually stimulating, when I feel like it. I'm educated. I'm loving. I'm goal-oriented. I'm sophisticated. I'm laid back. I'm assertive. I'm sassy. I'm witty. I love sports. I cook and clean. I'm supportive. I'm a good girl laced with a wealth of spice. But I can be a handful lol. So with all of that being said, I'm sure that someone would be sacrificing a portion of their 100 by settling down with/for me. Which portion, is kinda up to that person's list. Maybe I'm not tall enough. Maybe they don't usually dig brownskin chicks. Maybe I'm to curvy. Maybe my face isn't as cute as they would prefer. Maybe my butt is too big, or maybe not quite big enough... I don't know and quite frankly I don't care. The point is... in both cases there would likely be sacrifices and gains.


A conversation I had last night really made me survey this more closely. It made me question whether or not I believe in giving up one of the most prominent members on my LIST OF LISTS... TRUST!!!! In exchange for happiness... And that really perplexed me... Let me be more specific... I like men... No... Correction... I LOVE men... a LOT. LOL. And so for that reason, it was brought to my attention that most women really do accept the fact that most men cheat... physically, mentally.. often. Or will in their lifetime with a woman. It is a sad reality that many have just accepted. This is not the part that was news to me though. I know men who do and I know men who don't...and have always acknowledged very distinct differences in the way that each carries himself. What perplexed me is that I never saw myself having to accept this "truth..." and yet ... Do I? Is that something I am willing to sacrifice? What if it is put up against remaining single indefinitely instead? I have always subscribed to the belief that if two people are not able to be fully honest with one another... they do not belong together. If I am not enough for a man... then I'm just not the one for him... Any man who cheats is just not into the person he is with... There is always room for complete honesty...regardless of the situation...


 I have lived by these despite knowing so many people who fall into differing categories on this huge spectrum labeled 'Relational Trust'... And yet here I am... Curious... So back to different men with different means... I will not name names here ... but these are all real life examples... Example one... He is okay on the eyes, VERY intelligent... VERY driven [by money]... VERY disrespectful but funny in a somewhat jerky way... Easy as crap to talk to regardless of the topic... HUGE freak... and brutally honest til the bitter end. He's trustworthy. Wants to be in a healthy, fulfilling, committed relationship one day. Could be trusted with one's life and heart. But I do not under any circumstance want to be in a relationship with him of any sort...EVER! Strange right? Especially considering the fact that trust is one of my untouchables.... But it's true. Because there is so much more to this story. This particular person partakes in some very shady business endeavors. He is also very disrespectful and though I fully respect that we think and see things differently... we do not have the same outlook on life or the way it should be lived. And as a result, I have ruled him out completely as a candidate.


I know another guy... Very cool and chill and laid back. Funny. Fun to be around. Smooth talker. Has an answer for everything. Great with words. Convinced he can outsmart any and everyone which is just as endearing and attractive as it is annoying and alarming. Makes a girl feel important and like she is the only thing that exists when they are together... and occasionally when they are apart. Engages in genuine conversation and banter. Romantic. Flashy. BUT all of his friends warn the chick when he's not around. "you sure about this?" "does he tell you he's not doin him? Oh... true...but he was just with... smh nvm" "He's not to be trusted..." "I think you're great for him but I question his ability to be good for you" lol Talk about RED FLAGS! No trust... but so many other awesome qualities... Says he wants to settle down one day...and may even play good for a while... But somehow some way always finds his way back to the pup house...


Example number three is a very lowkey type dude. Respectful. Humble. Intelligent. Funny. Talented. Attractive in a very unassuming way. Honest and trustworthy as the day is long. But very chill and laid back. So chill and laid back that you'd actually have to verbally inquire about his level of interest. Doesn't believe in romance or wining and dining. Genuine to all of his beliefs to the core. Simple. Easy to please. But also a bit selfish. Old school values... New school mentality...


The examples could go on for days... But I don't have that kind of time and I don't want to get too far away from the point. Each of these people represent, in some way, guys in general that I know and have encountered... that my friends know and have encountered... that exist in the general dating population... And with that... how does one decide what is right for them and what is not? Do you trust the words of a person's friends based on the fact that they probably know him better than anyone...? Plus seeing as how they would USUALLY be on his side....why would they be giving you this info? Is it possible that he's reformed? Do you stay away? In example one... Do you ignore the fact that you both don't want the same things for the fact that he is trustworthy? In example two, do you ignore the fact that you can't seem to trust him based on your thoughts and the opinions of those that know him best... as a trade off for the excitement and way that he makes you feel? In example three do you go in favor of the stability of it all despite likely not feeling very cherished, or special, or wanted? Or do you opt to just be alone...or play the field which can still be lonely because you can't decide on a worthwhile compromise? To me... and this may just be me... But trust is very easy to gain (usually) and very hard to restore once a person has broken it. It is the base for every relationship because you build everything else upon that. And like any structure, when the foundation is rocky... the remainder is difficult to keep in tact. So by sacrificing trust... aren't you ultimately sacrificing everything? But at the same time, who wants a stable house that they can't live in? It all seems so counter productive to me which is why I usually have no interest in the matter at all. It just seems like ultimately... you end up sacrificing what is most important to you in order to maintain something that may not really be working at all And as cynical as that sounds and feels... it is ultimately true.

 Lies and deceit are something that I have always sworn to myself that I would not put up with in a relationship. And yet I've done it... unhappily might I add. But the real question is whether or not they are an unavoidable inevitability at this stage in the game? Do people lie to keep things working in their favor? Do they lie to avoid losing what they think they have? Even then, why not just ACTUALLY do what it takes to keep what you say you want? Too many questions... Not enough answers... OY!