Disclaimer: This blog was supposed to have a completely different title. I have been putting it off for weeks now, and when I finally thought to remind myself to do it... I had forgotten what I wanted to call it. #judgeme
Okay so... here's the thing... Several of my friends and acquaintances have been discussing this concept of "bad sex partners" and dudes who just "do it wrong"... And this commentary is usually coming from males themselves. Based on the conversations that females either have with them... or conversations that they have overheard. So I thought this would be something interesting to discuss because I never really know what men are thinking when it comes to sex...
One of my friends tweeted recently that "If a [n-word]'s goal is not to make his lady orgasm as many times as she is capable of doing so in the time allotted for their sexual encounter" he is doing something wrong and the chick will talk about him poorly to all of her friends. Another of my friends tweeted that he thinks [n-word]s just pound until they can't anymore and call it a day"... In both of these cases lol, it seems that both think that someone is getting it wrong. But I also wonder what people who think that way would do to rectify the situation.
Sex seems to be such a taboo topic for discourse in male-female relationships. Even if you are not planning on keeping a female around for long periods of time, Gentlemen, you should still follow the rule of reciprocity. I'm positive it will serve you well. Now, if you do not know what this is... I have no problem explaining it as I TRULY do not understand why most men do not think this way... And I know that several don't because I have had several conversations that have made this very clear to me. Anyway, the rule of reciprocity with MOST women says that if you do what it takes to please her, your pleasure will know very few limits. I know for a fact this is the general school of thought for most Aquarians [to a much stronger degree]... But on a very basic level, it is also the rule of thumb for most women. Even in the most simple situation... if you find out what a woman likes, and put effort into accurately delivering it... she will come back even if only for the peen. FACT!
The problem is that most men, and women, think that they have sex down pact for all members within their radius of attraction. But that's not true. How do you know what someone wants or likes if you don't ask or find some method of discovery? And then, many men think that they are able to tell what turns a woman on or tickles her fancy by paying attention to what she says or how she responds to you. Little known fact... If a woman is into a man... she will say and do whatever is necessary to make him feel good. My point? You cannot rely solely on the things that you think are tell-tell signs simply because you would rather avoid what could result in an awkward conversation. It doesn't serve either of you well. No two people are created equally. Therefore the next may not like what turned the last on, and so on and so forth. The only way you can really find out what gets a person moving, is to inquire within. Ask her what she likes... tell her what you like... Discuss her turn-ons and more importantly her turn-offs... Keep her interested and get more interested.... And how would you even KNOW how sexually congruent you are with a person otherwise?
That being said. sex should be a negotiation of things that work for both parties. It becomes exponentially more challenging, yet straight forward once you are in a monogamous relationship because then you have several other variables to tend to... Yet you're only doing these things with ONE person...
And if you decide not to take into account what makes her body tick... you are by definition a selfish lover. Now there are obviously cases where someone would not care if they are being labeled a selfish lover. But clearly this information is not really for them. More so, it is for those who truly think their game is tight...and yet aren't taking the steps necessary to insure that this is correct.
Every woman is wired differently... and this may or may not be the case for every man as well. For instance, sex is purely psychological for some women while for others it is all physical, and others may experience variations of combinations of the two. So... I am all for experimenting. But I am even more in favor of simply asking the person... That is of course... if he/she is someone that you would prefer to keep around. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and bring joy to those who experience it. Opening up the lines of communication can truly improve the chances of meeting that goal for all parties involved.
More to come later I suppose... holler!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Pursuit of Perfection
So... This along with my next blog (Sexual Incongruence) have been in edit mode for the past several weeks... Between school and work and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life... My blog and thoughts have suffered. So My mission for the next hour at work is to crank these thoughts out so that I can get on to newer and more current thoughts...
So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?
My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.
Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.
Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word? 2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?
I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...
You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?
So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?
Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol
And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?
I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...
So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?
My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.
Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.
Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word? 2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?
I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...
You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?
So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?
Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol
And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?
I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...
Personal Profile...
I realized earlier... It's not very often that you get to take a good look at yourself and unpack your plans... assess your accomplishments, make provisions to move forward...
I think everyone should do this every so often... And I do it myself from time to time but am always amazed at how much I learn about me each time I do...
Anyway... Here's me...
Hi! I'm Nesh. I'm laid back. Enthusiastic. Passionate. Feisty. Opinionated. A lush for conversation. Caring. Compassionate. Sometimes louder than necessary. Always willing to hear and understand the point of view of another. Forgiving. Genuine. Humorous. Giving. Generous. Conservative. Adventurous. An advocate for social justice. A champion for the fair treatment of others. No nonsense. Honest. Loyal. Respectful. Nurturing. Understanding. Strong believer in friendship. Appreciative. Logical. Prideful. Independent. Argumentative. A know-it-all. Inspired. Perpetual student of life.
I am all of these things and so many more. Some of these things I am more proud of than others. But ultimately, I am a culmination of these things in varying degrees every single day. And I have no choice but to be okay with that, because overall, these attributes aren't going anywhere. [[[[[meh]]]]]
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