On things we should hold sacred... Yet don't

I often wonder why marriages and relationships in my generation don't work out anymore.... It's not that people don't get married or don't get into relationships. Because they do. Too often and too easily actually. Getting there seems to be the easy part while staying (more often than not) seems to be the fatal challenge.

But why? I really think that it has a lot to do with the "independent" nature of people today. No one needs anyone for anything. And even in the off event that you start to feel like you need a person, you go out of your way to make sure that person doesn't feel needed lol. It's usually subconscious but it's still funny. It begins and perpetuates a cycle. And ultimately it is that need to remain detached that ends relationships. Once you recognize that you don't really "need" that person... Or anyone for that matter... It becomes easier to walk away. It becomes more difficult to be humble and express humility.

Interesting thing is though... When you love someone.... I mean REALLY love someone... Something in you should change. I don't necessarily mean change the way they do when you start any other habit. And I don't mean change in response to comfort. I mean CHANGE. Things you used to enjoy don't hold as much fulfillment if they can't include that person in some way. You find yourself wondering how you felt so complete without this person when now that they are here you can't stand the image of a life without them.
I don't mean to say that you can't live your own life and enjoy things outside of their presence. But your life is a better, happier place because they are there. DESPITE the fact that there is nothing convenient about it. You have to shift things to make them fit. But you do so, gladly. You have to work at understanding them. But you are happy to do so because their happiness is linked to yours.

But these are not lessons for the immature. And it isn't something that can be rushed or forced. It is a partnership that people have to work at every day. But they do it... Or they did it... Because it was worth it. Because the return on investment was great. And that's the thing about love. The person you love, in that way, gives you something no one else can. As it should be. It is intimate. It is personalized. It is special. But if you don't let it develop, if you don't nurture it, it is sure to deteriorate like any other precious, sacred thing.

And when people brush past it, gloss over it, give up on it, walk away from it, it ceases to exist. And that's what I think it is. People don't hold love, commitment, values sacred anymore. Life is now every man and woman for him or herself. And it shows. It truly shows.

One of the most awesome things I've ever heard a man say about his wife was that she is the best thing about him. She smiled back and commented that his words were interesting because he makes her better. They are an older couple. Together for over forty years. And I'm sure they have been through it. But they still hold hands. They still laugh together. They still give each other butterflies. He doesn't feel like any less of a man for recognizing that he doesn't deserve her, and yet is blessed with her anyway. It's almost like he's driven by that. And she has no problem acknowledging him as the man and as her everything. She loses nothing because she has it all. They appreciate one another. They encourage one another. And most importantly, they are best friends.

What they have is rare. But it's so warming to be around. And it's clear that they work on it daily.

I want that one day. But the thing is... You have to find someone else who wants it too. I don't think it's impossible. But it's definitely a feat. Especially in a time where it makes more sense to find something better than to stay cultivate something that will last.

Meh. More to come =)

Assignment

So... I had an assignment that I had to write for one of my favorite classes the other day... And I decided that I wanted to share it here because, as most of those assignments tend to be, this one was extremely reflective.

What I usually do for these is just write them as I think about them and be done with them. This way I get a very raw depiction of my thoughts on whatever questions are posed. I run back through for grammatical errors, but my thoughts are my thoughts and I usually leave them be.

Anyway, without further adieu ... Here you are.... (I posted the questions and answers just for clarity)


Do you think that human beings are by nature altruistic or egoistic?  Why?

I ultimately believe that human beings are innately good and have an innate desire to care for others or be altruistic. I believe in the Bible which means that I do believe in Adam and Eve and their relationship. Many see that story as a woman’s eternal demise of man. However, I see it as two people thinking they were doing what it took to take care of one another. Each blatantly disobeyed God, yes undoubtedly. But they were also doing what they thought was best for one another. To me, their sin was in trusting their own thoughts and opinions of what that was over trusting God’s, which is a different story altogether. I also believe that because of the way men and women relate to one another, and relate to their offspring. When someone is extremely selfish toward their offspring specifically, most people take notice because it seems to go against nature in the eyes of most. Society is constantly at odds about whether or not it is the role of the strong to take care of the week or give everyone a chance to take care of themselves. However to me, even this comes from a fear of not being able to take care of one’s own family appropriately for the sake of taking care of someone else’s. Most of my friends see me as insanely optimistic and always seeing the good in others. I guess this is somewhat true.


How would you describe yourself – do you usually see the glass as being half full (optimistic), or half empty (pessimistic)?  Briefly explain what it is about you that prompted your choice of an answer.







I always have a way of answering these questions prematurely, but as I stated I see myself similarly to the way that those who know me best do. I try to see the glass half full, specifically when it comes to others. I am a service vessel. I have dedicated my life to helping others to be the best people they are capable of being. And in order to help with that, I have to believe even when they do not sometimes. And I am okay with that. I am not sure if this always translates appropriately to the way that I view my own personal life. But I am also often torn between who I am as a clinician/professional and who I am on a personal level. In many ways the two are the same. But in some they differ. For others, I am always willing to see the best and view them in a more positive light than they necessarily deserve but I believe everyone deserves that someone who will believe in them unconditionally. Personally though, I am my own worst critic and am often harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. This is a phenomenon that I have always found to be interesting. I am not sure that I will ever grow from that. I always believe I can be better, and this has made me strive for more and never really accept no as an answer unless I am the one saying it. But that may also translate into me seeing my own glass differently than I see that of others.

Compassion, kindness and care are traits that are not only associated with being a professional counselor but they occur all around us everyday.  The problem is that we tend not to notice the positive aspects of human behavior.  We usually don’t notice courtesy but we do notice rudeness.  We notice cruelty but don’t notice kindness.  We sense danger but usually not a sense of safety. And it seems that more and more the media only focuses on bad behavior
 

The bit about understanding and seeing the positives in human behavior is something that I understand all too well. My gift and my curse is that I will always choose the other person over myself. This is a debate that my best friend and I have all the time. She always says that I am likely to die overexerting myself for someone who does not deserve it and she is likely to go to jail for reviving me then killing me again. It is our tidbit, and I promise it occurs once a month. I am usually the person who overlooks a person’s faults while she will usually notice them immediately in deciding whether or not she will choose to deal with them. I don’t think either of us has it completely figured out. My goal though, is usually to find a balance. I could do a better job of noting someone’s fault and not only focusing on the positive because that can be equally as dangerous.
  

Find a place where there are people interacting – whether at school, at work, out in public etc and observe/pay attention (people watch) and identify two instances that you believe are good examples of compassion, kindness or caring.
Write a one page reflection/observation about each example - what happened?
      Why do people bother being kind, courteous or compassionate?  What are the rewards/benefits?  Are there any costs?

I think people choose to be kind/compassionate/courteous for several reasons. The main two I have found are that people believe it is the right thing to do and believe in the consequence of not doing so (aka karma). I also think that some do the right thing because they feel they are being judged on their behavior. [I realized in re-reading this that I could have said more about costs and benefits... but meh]

Kind act number one (names have been changed to protect the selfless):
    
I did not have to go very far to find my first example of kindness. I was out on a date getting food with Jay. Before the meal, we passed a homeless man who was begging for anything that anyone could spare. Jay felt really bad about not having any spare cash on him and was markedly impacted by his inability to help this man. I never asked why it was so important, mainly because I have seen him impacted this way before in a very similar situation. I do not even think I was caught off guard by his reaction because it is somewhat normal behavior for him. At any rate, we enjoy our meal and I do not usually finish my dinner so I am normally the only one leaving with a doggy-bag. On our way out, we passed the same homeless man and Jay was immediately struck by the fact that we were passing the same person. We walked several paces before he stopped me and said, “I know you and you’re probably not going to think about this burger tomorrow. Can I take it and give it to this man?”
   
I consider myself to be a pretty giving person, but that thought had not even occurred to me. I even had a slight pang of jealousy/regret for not thinking of it first. I just looked at him, so impressed and replied with a yes. He ran back with huge grin on his face and I watched as he offered the gentleman the remainder of my meal and reflected on how right he was. I was not going to eat this food, and it might have ended up cold and in a trashcan. I also watched as he chatted the gentleman up wondering what they were saying to one another and hoping that the gentleman was as appreciative of his deed as I was.

    When he returned to join me, I just smiled and said “That was so selfless of you.” I am still smiling and blown away by his kindness. There was no reason for him to do it. He certainly was not trying to impress me. We have been past that point in our relationship. It was just... refreshing.


Kind Act number two (no name changes necessary):
    I was on campus reading before class. I sat near the new pretzel shop (Auntie Annie’s) in the Marvin Center. While sitting, I decided to do a bit of people watching because it actually is one of my favorite activities. Usually I am wondering what people are thinking while they mosey. But this day, I was sort of on a mission. Something good, kindhearted, compassionate, or selfless. It took a few minutes to spot it. Students were running back and forth to and fro busily. Suddenly, a young lady dropped a small book that she did not seem to notice. She was hurrying on her way. Because the hallways were so crowded, I doubt that the book even made a sound. And if it did, I am positive she did not hear it. Just as I was lifting to try and get her attention to let her know, another girl grabbed the book and shifted around to see what it was and who it belonged to. She stopped what she was doing and chased the other girl down to return the book to her.

    I just thought to myself, “How often does that really happen? How often do people sacrifice their own time for someone else?” And though this example is small, the girl who found the book could have very well left it there. No one could have blamed her. But I think she noticed it and felt obligated to return it. I imagine she considered what she would have felt like losing a book and not knowing where to look for it. She also could have been later to her destination trying to find the book’s owner. But she did the nice thing. Not even necessarily the right thing. But certainly the nice thing.

Sexual incongruence?

Disclaimer: This blog was supposed to have a completely different title.  I have been putting it off for weeks now, and when I finally thought to remind myself to do it... I had forgotten what I wanted to call it. #judgeme


Okay so... here's the thing... Several of my friends and acquaintances have been discussing this concept of "bad sex partners" and dudes who just "do it wrong"... And this commentary is usually coming from males themselves. Based on the conversations that females either have with them... or conversations that they have overheard. So I thought this would be something interesting to discuss because I never really know what men are thinking when it comes to sex...

One of my friends tweeted recently that "If a [n-word]'s goal is not to make his lady  orgasm as many times as she is capable of doing so in the time allotted for their sexual encounter" he is doing something wrong and the chick will talk about him poorly to all of her friends. Another of my friends tweeted that he thinks [n-word]s just pound until they can't anymore and call it a day"... In both of these cases lol, it seems that both think that someone is getting it wrong. But I also wonder what people who think that way would do to rectify the situation.

Sex seems to be such a taboo topic for discourse in male-female relationships. Even if you are not planning on keeping a female around for long periods of time, Gentlemen, you should still follow the rule of reciprocity. I'm positive it will serve you well. Now, if you do not know what this is... I have no problem explaining it as I TRULY do not understand why most men do not think this way... And I know that several don't because I have had several conversations that have made this very clear to me. Anyway, the rule of reciprocity with MOST women says that if you do what it takes to please her, your pleasure will know very few limits. I know for a fact this is the general school of thought for most Aquarians [to a much stronger degree]... But on a very basic level, it is also the rule of thumb for most women. Even in the most simple situation... if you find out what a woman likes, and put effort into accurately delivering it... she will come back even if only for the peen. FACT!

The problem is that most men, and women, think that they have sex down pact for all members within their radius of attraction. But that's not true. How do you know what someone wants or likes if you don't ask or find some method of discovery? And then, many men think that they are able to tell what turns a woman on or tickles her fancy by paying attention to what she says or how she responds to you. Little known fact... If a woman is into a man... she will say and do whatever is necessary to make him feel good. My point? You cannot rely solely on the things that you think are tell-tell signs simply because you would rather avoid what could result in an awkward conversation. It doesn't serve either of you well. No two people are created equally. Therefore the next may not like what turned the last on, and so on and so forth. The only way you can really find out what gets a person moving, is to inquire within. Ask her what she likes... tell her what you like... Discuss her turn-ons and more importantly her turn-offs... Keep her interested and get more interested.... And how would you even KNOW how sexually congruent you are with a person otherwise?

That being said. sex should be a negotiation of things that work for both parties. It becomes exponentially more challenging, yet straight forward once you are in a monogamous relationship because then you have several other variables to tend to... Yet you're only doing these things with ONE person...

And if you decide not to take into account what makes her body tick... you are by definition a selfish lover. Now there are obviously cases where someone would not care if they are being labeled a selfish lover. But clearly this information is not really for them. More so, it is for those who truly think their game is tight...and yet aren't taking the steps necessary to insure that this is correct.

Every woman is wired differently... and this may or may not be the case for every man as well. For instance, sex is purely psychological for some women while for others it is all physical, and others may experience variations of combinations of the two. So... I am all for experimenting. But I am even more in favor of simply asking the person... That is of course... if he/she is someone that you would prefer to keep around. Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and bring joy to those who experience it. Opening up the lines of communication can truly improve the chances of meeting that goal for all parties involved. 

More to come later I suppose... holler!

The Pursuit of Perfection

So... This along with my next blog (Sexual Incongruence) have been in edit mode for the past several weeks... Between school and work and trying to maintain some semblance of a social life... My blog and thoughts have suffered. So My mission for the next hour at work is to crank these thoughts out so that I can get on to newer and more current thoughts...


So onto the pursuit of perfection... This is a very interesting topic. To me at least. I never really understand how people decide where to bend, compromise, settle, and the like for that special someone. However, I do believe that no single person is perfect. Even if a person has the attributes that you consider perfect for you, they are guaranteed to be flawed in some other way. However, is the difference in how we see those flaws? How we navigate over, under, around, and through them? I am also usually curious about what a person's markers for success are in a relationship, and how you gauge whether or not this one is the one for you... Often times, the couples who everyone else sees as perfect do not see themselves as such... Surface perfection, in my opinion, is not perfection at all. It is a shell. A cloak. A facade that portrays what we think others want to see. In contrast, though, reality is raw and unedited... real. Genuine. But how do we know the difference? And who decides?


 My two best (female) friends and I ... actually I have probably had this conversation with all of my closest friends recently... But this is certainly a debate that comes up between myself and Kris often. I strongly believe that even if you find someone who fits/compliments you in every way that matters... You will still have to send that person through an orientation process which may be never-ending in some cases. And you too will have to get through an orientation period with that person as well. By this, I mean that there is a learning curve that must be allotted for and tackled in order for a relationship to be successful and prosperous. This is true for any type of relationship really.


Now where the debate comes into play is in the way that orientation plays out. Kris believes that you should not have to "train/instruct" a person in any way to do the right things. in her experience, this has not been necessary and as a result she feels like if a person is ill-equipped to behave accordingly, they simply do not belong with the person. I, on the other hand, believe that you have to be able to verbalize your wants/needs/desires in someway or be prepared to be incapable of fairly holding them against the person you are in relations with. However, for me... there seems to be a disconnect between believing that in theory, and practicing it in truth. But that is a different story for a different blog.

Ultimately, I guess what I am getting at is: 1.)Are we all looking for perfection in some sense of the word?  2.)How do we know that we have found it? 3.) Does perfection mean without the need for additional work? Or No assembly required? and 4.) Are we so busy seeking out perfection that we are passing up Perfectly Good in the process? [[ i.e.- do we nitpick at things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things only to find that we should have been perfectly satisfied with the foundation in existence]]?

I think a great metaphor for this is the search for living quarters... a house... a HOME...

You begin your search with a list of what you would like, what you wouldn't like... Your hard limits and your soft ones (I personally think that at least all romantic relationships should begin this way... The pre-list so that you know what you're looking for with a bit of adaptability in case what you need ends up surprising you...!]] Even if this list is only mental, you have an idea of the type of neighborhood you will want, what type of commute you're willing to accept, how many bedrooms and bathrooms would be comfortable for you, closet space. You also have an idea of what you would compromise on, and for what cost. If you found a really inexpensive rate, is that enough to compromise on how safe the neighborhood is? If you will be really comfortable with room sizes, is a longer commute now more feasible? And even most of these compromises don't quite come into play until you have started the hunt. But at this point, your marker for perfection is pre-existing...whether you realize it or not. It can sometimes be colored by experience, but let's be honest... what CAN'T be colored by experiences?

So now you've started actually hunting for homes, experiencing the market a bit, you have a better idea of what is realistic and what is feasible. Does this change your view of what perfection is? Do you maintain that concept of a perfect house, but decide upon a suitable more practical home? Are your thoughts about that home now compared to your previous view of perfection, or do you come up with ways to make the feasible home into a duplicate of your dream home? And can you do this without changing the place altogether? Would that, essentially, be a more costly attempt? And does it require comparison to other homes and spaces in order for you to determine whether or not you have found what you are looking for? Is there criteria, or do you just KNOW?

Is this home an extended project? And if so, does that make it more or less perfect for you? Is its perfection attached to the amount of work put into it in that it wasn't perfect before the work? Or in that it is not and won't ever be perfect BECAUSE you had to work? And what would the ratio be for determining the amount of work you are willing to put in in order to take advantage of the potential output? SO MANY QUESTIONS! lol

And then finally... In our search for somewhere to be comfortable... did we spend so much time blinded by the concept of perfection that we passed up several opportunities to be adequately satiated? Are we satisfied with adequate? Can what was once adequate become inadequate? And worse, are we spending so much time and money dwelling on a concept of perfection that was never even feasible to begin with? Or do we have the right to have everything that we desire without any compromise whatsoever, thus making the continued search worth every effort we employ?

 I do not necessarily know the answers to these queries. But I will be digging my way to find them because I think they are relatively important questions...

Personal Profile...

I realized earlier... It's not very often that you get to take a good look at yourself and unpack your plans... assess your accomplishments, make provisions to move forward... I think everyone should do this every so often... And I do it myself from time to time but am always amazed at how much I learn about me each time I do... Anyway... Here's me... Hi! I'm Nesh. I'm laid back. Enthusiastic. Passionate. Feisty. Opinionated. A lush for conversation. Caring. Compassionate. Sometimes louder than necessary. Always willing to hear and understand the point of view of another. Forgiving. Genuine. Humorous. Giving. Generous. Conservative. Adventurous. An advocate for social justice. A champion for the fair treatment of others. No nonsense. Honest. Loyal. Respectful. Nurturing. Understanding. Strong believer in friendship. Appreciative. Logical. Prideful. Independent. Argumentative. A know-it-all. Inspired. Perpetual student of life. I am all of these things and so many more. Some of these things I am more proud of than others. But ultimately, I am a culmination of these things in varying degrees every single day. And I have no choice but to be okay with that, because overall, these attributes aren't going anywhere. [[[[[meh]]]]]

Eggs and baskets

Okay... ((sigh)). So this seems to be one of those forks in the road for me where I'm forced to align my behavior with either : 1.) what I believe is right OR 2.)what life has been showing me. The two are in constant conflict with one another...and even when I think I've stumbled across some sort of resolution... NOT SO!


I'm not a fan of what life shows me because it gives me no hope for a future that aligns with my inherent beliefs.


It has always been my stance that when it comes to relationships, you should always give your all and trust that your partner is doing the same. As such the need for second guessing, mistrust, stepping outside of, disbelief, and any other negative feelings associated with giving your all to a person. I have always been a firm believer of holding on to all of your eggs until you find someone worthy of trading with. And even then...you don't give them all of your eggs at once but instead gradually test which of your eggs you can trust that person with. Eventually though...as that person proves him or herself more and more trustworthy...you begin to trust them with more of your eggs. Simultaneously, they too are entrusting you with their eggs little by little and bit by bit. And eventually, the goal is that all of your eggs are in their basket and all of theirs are in yours. OR the two are so enmeshed in one giant basket labeled "OURS" that it is difficult for anyone to know whose eggs are where. I guess really, that's the ultimate goal. Or at least I thought it was.



But anyway ...what life is showing me is something different that I'm not a fan of (as mentioned). Life seems to suggests that you should never share your eggs. Or that if you do, not all of them. Life seems to suggest that even if someone requests to be the bearer of your eggs, you should only give them enough for appeasement. Always either keeping a few for yourself (to give to or place in the basket of another) or be deceitful about how many eggs you have to give at all. Either way... Be sneaky and underhanded with the disbursement of your eggs. Always place them in several baskets. Why? 1.) because everyone else is and 2.) so that you can't be totally crushed when your eggs aren't properly tended to it cared for.


Now what's funny about this is that I've played both ways. And both have points of fulfillment and emptiness.


Maybe I should first define the eggs though. At least my eggs are kinda labeled. There are my friendship eggs. My romantic eggs. My discussion eggs. My emotional eggs. My fun eggs. My erotic/fantasy eggs. My sexy eggs. My intellectual eggs. My homemaker eggs. My act right eggs. My submissive eggs. My opinionated eggs. My super sensitive and fragile eggs. My excitement eggs. My damsel in distress eggs. YEESH! That's a lot of eggs. But everyone has them in differing varieties. So it's clear that shelling them out (all pun intended) to anyone takes a lot out of me and therefore requires at least something of them.


I have to admit that it's been a long while since I put all of my eggs in one place. YEARS in fact. And that was the craziest most fulfilling yet draining relationship ever! WHY? He abused my eggs. Lol. I might've abused some of his too though. We rushed. We loved hard. We obsessed. We fought. We made up. And I probably wouldn't change anything about that. BUT ultimately...I probably would have killed him. Or left. Because I don't think I could've done it for much longer. As much as I loved him. As much as he loved me.


This is why I think I'll probably remain an old maid for life. I can't imagine building a life with someone who I can't trust to be faithful. I can't build a life with someone who doesn't take my feelings and concerns seriously. I can't build a life with someone who is content as a man with me doing all the work just because I can and will. I just can't do it. But mostly... I can't be with someone who won't love me and cherish me for and in spite of everyone of my eggs! And I can't be with someone who I can't trust with my eggs or that won't trust me with theirs.

And if that's my marker... And if life is showing me to never trust others because they will abuse that trust every time ... Where does that leave my future...?

Today's lesson: 10/11/12

You can never make people care about you or your feelings... Regardless of how much you may want them to. If you mattered, they'd behave accordingly. Because you don't, it shows through their actions. When someone SHOWS you who they are... Believe them. ✌

Dating Faux Pas I have Made...

So... I guess I should first place the title of this blog into focus... I have not dated a whole bunch in the sense of what I think actual dates consist of... I don't think I have ever REALLY actually dated a person until my latter years at all actually... To me... a date is a pre-planned event between myself and a guy where he actually makes plans with me in advance, usually picks me up and secures my transportation (somehow) to those plans... and then takes me back to my original location once those plans are over. There is also a romantic element to all of this in that I find interest in him, and he in me, worth exploring enough to make plans and attend them in unison in the first place. There have been several lists that I have come across devoted to discussing the do's and don't's of those interactions. But that's not entirely what I mean here as I usually find myself asking those questions of my friends myself... I do not have a wealth of experience in that area... I guess what the title should really discuss is the mistakes I have made in my entanglements with members of the opposite sex over the years... But that is a lot to say and sounds less catchy than the title I created so meh... Anyway... this is a list of things that I am interested in exploring within myself because I am not entirely sure why I do them. However, I am very capable of identifying them for what they are...

1. I think one of the biggest mistakes I always make with people in general is that I don't express my true and complete feelings about things until my exit interview... I think there are several reasons for this... But let me be more clear about what I mean... If a man does something that rubs me wrong, or upsets me... or that I find as grounds for cancellation... I usually just take note and keep it moving. And unless that person is attentive enough of my change in temperament to notice that a shift has occurred (many are usually to egotistic to do so)... they likely won't even know that change has happened. Then, even in cases where the person may notice the shift, and that it was in response to him... I have usually already made up my mind so it's not usually worth discussing. Regarding my mind being made up, though... my feeling is this: If you are able to do something that would throw me off to that extent... do I really want you around long term? Or even for any term? It may not be grounds for cancellation as I may genuinely enjoy you... or being around you... But I really have to CARE to bring up my thoughts or my feelings... and if you don't then why should I? Even if a guy tells me that he has true plans for me... If his behavior [in any way] shows me that we are just chillin or kickin it or talkin (or whatever you youngsters use to express lack of true commitment)... then that is the mindset from which I will approach all interactions. Regardless. I compartmentalize... and usually most people take themselves off of the relationship track with very subtle moves. BUT... I do think that I could be more expressive. Sometimes people are not aware of their behaviors or of what those behaviors are showing someone else. However, I also think that if I choose to bring something to your attention and you do not honor it or make the necessary changes... then I'm just not that important to you... and therefore should not take you or your words or your actions seriously.

2. I have, in the past, put the happiness of others far above that of my own. And though this is generally the way that relationships should work... That should be the philosophy in all relationships... But its not. I have definitely been guilty of giving more of myself than I should have. The way that I see it, in a relationship, you should have already taken your time to get to know the person. Therefore, you have had ups and downs with them. They have seen you through some pains and celebrated with you through some sorrows. Therefore, you have had a chance to assess them and yourself too before beginning to DECIDE (relationships are more than culmination of feelings... relationships should always be decisions) to be in a relationship. As such, once you decide to make that leap with a person, it is because you both have agreed to the terms and conditions of this union... Sounds a lot like marriage... I'm sure. But to me, why be in a relationship with someone you can't see yourself with long term? That's what dating/talking/chilling is for. Therefore, if two people have decided to be with one another in a relationship...it should be exclusive and it should be reciprocal. I'm not saying that life is supposed to stop and that a person's significant other should now be the only focal point for that person in life. However, I am saying that your significant other should now be a very natural priority in your life. You should each be in a position of being so concerned with the needs and happiness of one another that your own shouln't really be a concern because he/she is already taking care of those details. Is it a perfect system? NO! Not at all. But if this is the daily goal, then it becomes something that both parties continue to work at. In light of this, many of my errors have come from giving too much to people who would not do the same for me or did not do the same for me. Whether I did it because they promised to, or for some other reason (because some other void was being filled by doing so) or whatever, I'm not sure. Clearly, though, I did not follow my own philosophy in these situations. MISTAKE!

3. Another huge mistake I have made is making people feel way too comfortable way too fast. My best friend and I have joked and not joked about this being both a gift and curse that we have both been guilty of possessing. But I have this tendency to make other people feel at ease. I do it unknowingly sometimes, and sometimes I wake up and its too late to change things. In doing this, people tend to think that you feel more strongly for them than you do... or rather that they have you right where they want you... lol what they don't know is that my C game looks a lot like the A game of some other people. So in just being the very basic version of me, people may get something that they really want and in turn believe that I'm behaving that way for their benefit. lol If I could provide more details without implicating parties, I would. But I'm always so interested in the way that people respond in that situation. To me, though, the difference is in how attached/detached I am to the person or events. If I'm being super sweet and chill with you... but I don't react to something you've done... the real question is am I really not reacting or am I just not reacting to you? Me talking to my friends about it is likely me reacting... because I usually want to talk more about them and their lives... therefore only with certain people will I request actual advice of/on my own. What is also interesting is that because this is really just how I am... I notice almost everything and yet comment on almost nothing. The result is people really thinking that they are getting away with things when in reality I just don't care enough to bring it up. And then in cases where I do care enough for that... Sometimes I still say nothing by way of point #1.

4. This flaw is more a continuation of the first point as well. But it is also a point of its own. Because I usually let things go or build when they upset me, it seems like I'm either VERY patient with a person or not patient at all. The reality is that neither are true... or rather that the two come together for me. They meet in the middle. As such, when I'm finished with something I'm finished. I can be patient until I don't want to anymore. And though now I am trying to get myself to be more honest about my thoughts when I have them... usually I just walk away or disappear. I am not sure if that is a sign of growth or an indication of my feelings toward the person. But ultimately, it is how I am. Telling the person may either prolong the inevitable or completely change the situation all together. But regardless of the steps I take to cancellation... I will usually endure a situation until I cannot any longer. And what that usually looks like on the outside looking in is that I've called it quits over nothing. Again though, I strongly believe that the person I end up with will be very in-tuned to these subtle changes in my behavior. To me, there are always warning signs. This is also true to those who know me best. Most men, however never see it. And that is a shame.

5. I have accepted things at face value/ been too trusting/ given chances because I felt obligated to do so

Lying, Cheating, and Playing Games

I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting lately... And I realized something. I am, overall, very different from a lot of people... male and female. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing... Am I going against the grain in a way that will serve me well in the long run? Or in a way that will leave me chronically single because I expect too much of the opposite sex? I posed a similar question in an earlier blog, but realize that my mind will not leave this topic alone.


Like most of my blogs, my recent conversations are the muse for my thoughts on this topic of lying and cheating and all of that stuff. I have never cheated on anyone... I have, however, kissed exes while in limbo with another ex before lol interestingly... I have also been cheated on. Of the five "serious" relationships that I have had in my life... three [that I know of] have resulted in unfaithfulness. And in all three situations, I think they were for different reasons and occurred in different ways... I don't attribute my non-cheating record to my overall angelic ways. For me, when I'm single I'm usually single. Currently, I'm very irritated by the dating scene so ...meh to that. Another blog for another day. But usually, My breakdown looks a little something like this: I usually deal with people for a variety of reasons. The people that I talk to usually serve a specific purpose. There will usually be one that I like more than the others but either cannot see myself in a relationship with or don't see a relationship developing. There may also be someone who gets the majority of my time but that I may not like as much as the person I like the most. There may be someone who is great for conversation. Someone who I feel like enjoys the same things that I do.... I think you get the picture. Sort of like niche interacting. With that being said, in order for me to be in a relationship with someone, in addition to trusting them wholeheartedly I also have to feel like they make the existence of the other people that I find interesting obsolete. That way, when I get into a relationship with someone, I have no reason to search outside of my relationship for things that I need. I would have someone to talk to, someone I genuinely like, someone I can genuinely enjoy being around (which says ALOT for me... I'm super temperamental about who I share my space with)...Someone I'm attracted to intellectually, someone who keeps it real with me... etc. And that usually works well for me until it doesn't anymore. I see no reason to rush into anything and I generally don't see the benefit of being with someone just because.

I prefer to be with one person in one relationship. I prefer deep personal relationships that are close, intimate, and individualized. Plus, though I'm honest about where I am with things, investing in more than one person at a time is so exhausting. I didn't have time for it before and I have even less time for it now. But I've also KNOWN several cheaters... and this has always been an issue that has interested me. If I was interested enough, I would do my dissertation on it, because it honestly does fascinate me.

Today, though, I have been thinking more about the reasons people get caught in their lies and games moreso than the reasons that they commit these transgressions to begin with. As I mentioned yesterday... I am not sure where I stand on the issue of accepting cheating... But we'll get to that in a second too. Though I think that men and women do cheat for different reasons, I have to believe that the get caught for similar reasons which I will list below and provide examples. I must say, though, that of all of the cheaters that I know or have known, only one female has ever gotten caught. That says a lot. I don't know if they are more aware of their behaviors or what... The chick that I'm thinking of made a very classic mistake that men usually make. She underestimated how much her dude paid attention and she overestimated how slick she was. CLASSIC mistake. This usually has a lot to do with the ego of the person cheating. In this situation, her behavior changed drastically. As a result, her dude went through her phone and noticed some interesting activity between she and a dude that he knew of but didn't know. The activity was interesting more because there were lots of phone calls but no texts though he often witnessed her texting SOMEONE whenever they were together. As such, he saved his number under the number for the dude so that all messages would come to him. In doing so, he realized soon enough that she was also physically and emotionally intimate with this guy and got caught up. Clearly both men and women make this mistake. No surprise there.

Another key mistake that people make is underestimating just how small the world, and more specifically the area that we live in, actually is. I once knew a chick that was dealing with a dude who was friends with some people she was also friends with. In addition to this, one of her friends also happened to be friends with someone who was cool with the dude. She then later found out that several people she knew also worked with the dude and actually was cool with him at work. Needless to say that dude severely underestimated how small the world is, and how small the area they lived in was. There was a gathering with friends at which point he invited a chick that wasn't his girl. He thought he was being slick about it and lied to his girl which she didn't know he was doing at the time. The FUNNIEST thing about this story is that despite all of the people who his chick knew that could have informed his chick... GUESS how she found out about it!?!? She knew someone else that knew the other girl! lol Came up in random conversation! Now I know what you're thinking... His chick was just well connected! lol And I guess that makes sense. But regardless, he was being hot about it and his chick probably would have found out regardless. But the way that she did was priceless. Yea, I'm sure he probably figured he was amongst the loyalty of his friends and therefore wouldn't get caught up. However, he didn't even KNOW that his girl knew co-workers of his. And there was no way he could have seen his full name coming up in conversation between his chick and the chick he decided to bring around. BUT that is the risk that you run when you piss too closely to where you eat. But it's also the risk you run when you're doing dirt. What is done in the dark ALWAYS has its way of surfacing to lighter pastures.

Classic mistake number three involves the people that people cheat with. My ex was so beyond famous for this one. lol And it never failed... well never failed me anyway. He would be creeping with these basic chicks on the low and in the cut but publicly wifing me... And I don't just mean by word of mouth. He spoiled it for anyone else because this dude was honestly the prototype of doing dirt but taking care of home. He was so smart and meticulous about it that I honestly would have given him the benefit of the doubt at first if it were not for these chicks. Don't get me wrong, there were shifts in his behaviors sometimes as well. But what he showed me more than anything was that a determined man could do anything he put his mind to, including cheat while still catering to my every want and need. I remember when I lived in Salisbury in my college apartment. He would literally drive to Salisbury on Friday nights as soon as he got off of work at 5:00pm. He'd pick me up from work and stay for the entire weekend, leave Monday morning. Literally, most weeks, by Tuesday night, he was back at my apartment staying until Wednesday morning. Sometimes, I would see him 5 nights a week plus the weekend. Yeah, it was only a 2 hour drive. But that's two hours backward and forward. Coming and going. And it wasn't just that... anytime I needed or wanted anything, I only had to think it and it was mine. We talked all day everyday. On the phone. Via facebook chat. Just because notes left on the mirror in the morning. Text messages all day in between phone calls. lol Constant communication. So the real questions are :why put in that much work only to cheat? And when are you finding TIME to cheat...? Questions I always asked myself. But I also already knew the answer... Anyway... the fatal flaw. He would be wrapping these joints UP! But then they'd do their research... Look on facebook, pages linked lol status :engaged ... lol Click on albums... pics galore... Look in his phone... Home screen ME lol I call "The Wife" pops up... Super romantical ringtone plays LOUDLY lol... So of course the chicks are like... okay well either "I want THAT"or "maybe she doesn't know about me" lol and they'd blow up his spot. Granted, this was years ago. Lol even happened after his death. Complete his fault though. He underestimated the chicks.

So back to the original question. Do you just hope the person is smart enough or respects you enough that if they plan to cheat, they keep it away from you ? Is that actually respect ? Wouldn't respect involve not cheating at all...? Idk.

The Ultimate Sacrifice (though not quite as epic as it sounds)

So... I have always been somewhat fascinated by this concept of the 80-20 rule. For those that are unaware, that is the rule that asserts that in a relationship you will generally only have 80% of your needs met by your significant other...and therefore should not be searching for perfection. That same rule also stipulates that if you have someone who is your 80 (so to speak), you should not leave him/her for someone who only has the other 20 which many people do regularly. They leave the 80 in hopes of finding what is missing only to find that the 20 is not nearly as fulfilling as the 80. I like this rule. It is logically sound to me. However, as with most theoretical arguments... Life happens. I distinctly recall people then placing a title on the 20 saying... well what if it's a BIG 20 ... or what if you have a mediocre 80. lol Always makes me laugh.

Anyway... Personally, I usually subscribe to the make a list method. I makes lists for everything and my significant others are no different. I feel like everyone has that list of things that they CANNOT do without in a relationship. And I think that should be the basis of your 80. But I also think that the items at the top of your list should be things you refuse to compromise on. Either way, though, the chances of something being sacrificed is pretty high. And that is where my battle begins. I am not the type of person who foolishly believes that she is every one's cup of tea. I am an acquired taste... I require work and effort. And I am not always easy to deal with. On the other hand, though, I think I offer a very worth-while trade-off. I am smart. I'm honest. I'm intellectually stimulating, when I feel like it. I'm educated. I'm loving. I'm goal-oriented. I'm sophisticated. I'm laid back. I'm assertive. I'm sassy. I'm witty. I love sports. I cook and clean. I'm supportive. I'm a good girl laced with a wealth of spice. But I can be a handful lol. So with all of that being said, I'm sure that someone would be sacrificing a portion of their 100 by settling down with/for me. Which portion, is kinda up to that person's list. Maybe I'm not tall enough. Maybe they don't usually dig brownskin chicks. Maybe I'm to curvy. Maybe my face isn't as cute as they would prefer. Maybe my butt is too big, or maybe not quite big enough... I don't know and quite frankly I don't care. The point is... in both cases there would likely be sacrifices and gains.


A conversation I had last night really made me survey this more closely. It made me question whether or not I believe in giving up one of the most prominent members on my LIST OF LISTS... TRUST!!!! In exchange for happiness... And that really perplexed me... Let me be more specific... I like men... No... Correction... I LOVE men... a LOT. LOL. And so for that reason, it was brought to my attention that most women really do accept the fact that most men cheat... physically, mentally.. often. Or will in their lifetime with a woman. It is a sad reality that many have just accepted. This is not the part that was news to me though. I know men who do and I know men who don't...and have always acknowledged very distinct differences in the way that each carries himself. What perplexed me is that I never saw myself having to accept this "truth..." and yet ... Do I? Is that something I am willing to sacrifice? What if it is put up against remaining single indefinitely instead? I have always subscribed to the belief that if two people are not able to be fully honest with one another... they do not belong together. If I am not enough for a man... then I'm just not the one for him... Any man who cheats is just not into the person he is with... There is always room for complete honesty...regardless of the situation...


 I have lived by these despite knowing so many people who fall into differing categories on this huge spectrum labeled 'Relational Trust'... And yet here I am... Curious... So back to different men with different means... I will not name names here ... but these are all real life examples... Example one... He is okay on the eyes, VERY intelligent... VERY driven [by money]... VERY disrespectful but funny in a somewhat jerky way... Easy as crap to talk to regardless of the topic... HUGE freak... and brutally honest til the bitter end. He's trustworthy. Wants to be in a healthy, fulfilling, committed relationship one day. Could be trusted with one's life and heart. But I do not under any circumstance want to be in a relationship with him of any sort...EVER! Strange right? Especially considering the fact that trust is one of my untouchables.... But it's true. Because there is so much more to this story. This particular person partakes in some very shady business endeavors. He is also very disrespectful and though I fully respect that we think and see things differently... we do not have the same outlook on life or the way it should be lived. And as a result, I have ruled him out completely as a candidate.


I know another guy... Very cool and chill and laid back. Funny. Fun to be around. Smooth talker. Has an answer for everything. Great with words. Convinced he can outsmart any and everyone which is just as endearing and attractive as it is annoying and alarming. Makes a girl feel important and like she is the only thing that exists when they are together... and occasionally when they are apart. Engages in genuine conversation and banter. Romantic. Flashy. BUT all of his friends warn the chick when he's not around. "you sure about this?" "does he tell you he's not doin him? Oh... true...but he was just with... smh nvm" "He's not to be trusted..." "I think you're great for him but I question his ability to be good for you" lol Talk about RED FLAGS! No trust... but so many other awesome qualities... Says he wants to settle down one day...and may even play good for a while... But somehow some way always finds his way back to the pup house...


Example number three is a very lowkey type dude. Respectful. Humble. Intelligent. Funny. Talented. Attractive in a very unassuming way. Honest and trustworthy as the day is long. But very chill and laid back. So chill and laid back that you'd actually have to verbally inquire about his level of interest. Doesn't believe in romance or wining and dining. Genuine to all of his beliefs to the core. Simple. Easy to please. But also a bit selfish. Old school values... New school mentality...


The examples could go on for days... But I don't have that kind of time and I don't want to get too far away from the point. Each of these people represent, in some way, guys in general that I know and have encountered... that my friends know and have encountered... that exist in the general dating population... And with that... how does one decide what is right for them and what is not? Do you trust the words of a person's friends based on the fact that they probably know him better than anyone...? Plus seeing as how they would USUALLY be on his side....why would they be giving you this info? Is it possible that he's reformed? Do you stay away? In example one... Do you ignore the fact that you both don't want the same things for the fact that he is trustworthy? In example two, do you ignore the fact that you can't seem to trust him based on your thoughts and the opinions of those that know him best... as a trade off for the excitement and way that he makes you feel? In example three do you go in favor of the stability of it all despite likely not feeling very cherished, or special, or wanted? Or do you opt to just be alone...or play the field which can still be lonely because you can't decide on a worthwhile compromise? To me... and this may just be me... But trust is very easy to gain (usually) and very hard to restore once a person has broken it. It is the base for every relationship because you build everything else upon that. And like any structure, when the foundation is rocky... the remainder is difficult to keep in tact. So by sacrificing trust... aren't you ultimately sacrificing everything? But at the same time, who wants a stable house that they can't live in? It all seems so counter productive to me which is why I usually have no interest in the matter at all. It just seems like ultimately... you end up sacrificing what is most important to you in order to maintain something that may not really be working at all And as cynical as that sounds and feels... it is ultimately true.

 Lies and deceit are something that I have always sworn to myself that I would not put up with in a relationship. And yet I've done it... unhappily might I add. But the real question is whether or not they are an unavoidable inevitability at this stage in the game? Do people lie to keep things working in their favor? Do they lie to avoid losing what they think they have? Even then, why not just ACTUALLY do what it takes to keep what you say you want? Too many questions... Not enough answers... OY!

Irrationality

I tend to think that most of my blogs are pretty self reflective. I do my best to make it clear that these are my thoughts and my views on a specific topic. I don't expect for others to agree, and often like it when my thoughts are challenged because I am always up for a sound logical debate. However, I think this one will be a bit more introspective than most. I have always considered myself to be a somewhat rational person, almost to fault. And I see that in myself more now than ever because I am really taking the time to get to know myself and fall in and out of love with myself lately. It's the main reason I refuse to be in a relationship at present, and it is the main reason that I don't ever mind spending time alone or declining offers to go out and do things. I like finding new things that I love about myself. I also like recognizing things that I am not too keen on and finding ways to improve upon those things. And mostly I enjoy stumbling upon constants that don't seem to be going anywhere. I think I am finally at a place where I can appreciate them and use them for my advancement. Anyway... I have never been a fan of irrationality. I don't like it when people behave in an uncontrollable manner and have no real sound reasoning for why they have done what they have done. It isn't that I don't think that everyone has irrational thoughts or behaviors, because they do... we do... all of us. But I don't like it when people let irrationality win. And I also think that my definition for psychosis is when this happens perpetually. With this too, though, comes the need to acknowledge that what is irrational to one person may not be irrational to the next. And therefore, societal norms regulate what is and isn't rational. When it comes to me, though, I do not hold myself to the same standard that I hold others to. My standard is a bit higher and somewhat more intense. So when I have thoughts and feelings that are not rational to me... it usually causes me to behave in a different way.This is especially true when someone else is involved. Because I feel like my thoughts are irrational, I won't want to discuss them. I will just try to bury them or come up with some rational resolve to replace them with. But when that doesn't work, I will usually be somewhat passive aggressive toward the person because I'm not good when I can't vent my feelings on a certain topic.... So then the irrationality that I was trying to defeat in the first place wins because now it is influencing my behavior and I am blaming the person for something that I have not brought to their attention (which I also hate... btw)... So... lol This blog is pointless in a way because I have found no resolve here. I refuse to bring up thoughts that I find to be irrational because that isn't fair... But if I don't talk about it... then I will behave a bit irrationally too... which also isn't fair. I hate this about myself... smh.

On Courting

On Courting …
 So the other day I was reading one of the blogs that I follow... The author of which happens to be an extremely talented young man that I have the pleasure of ACTUALLY knowing, as a person... And I stumbled upon a word... and somewhat dismissive definition (in my opinion)... C O U R T I N G... Anyone who knows me, and my innermost thoughts somewhat personally, also knows that this is a topic that is relatively near and dear to my heart. I have very specific views on it and have done quite a bit of research on its origin, definition, and inner workings through television, literature, and Disney movies... All of which will be made evident in the proceeding... lol But it sort of hit me that so many people don’t view this the way that I do... And that its evolution in general has morphed the word into exactly what the gentleman that I mentioned above sees it as... DATING!

Okay... so let’s get technical for a moment. When I saw the definition in the blog (which was later argued as a simple way of putting it... ←- “we don’t believe you, you need more people”)... I went straight to my dictionary app on my phone. There was no way that this was an accurate definition of the word. No way. So... according to Webster’s... Courting is “to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from.” And after copying and pasting the CORRECT definition of the word to the person who abused it... I thought to myself... ‘exactly!’ Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating, hooking up, talking, all of those lovely things that young people are running around doing in both monogamous and polygamous fashions... However that is not to be confused with courting which is something that is a little more sacred and special.

Now in the olden days... And by olden I don’t quite mean pre-historic at which point I’m pretty sure men just married or shacked up with whichever woman they could carry at the moment... and I also don’t quite mean the years of Good Times and Amen... Although I’ll get to that in a minute too... I’m referring more to the civilized era of petticoats and white wigs... That is where I picture courting being born... Initially, the process of courting a woman first meant that you had to go through her father for permission. However, also during those times, status and wealth had a lot to do with who was publicly free to court whom... and so these things sometimes went a bit differently based on circumstance... But essentially the man would have to not only make it clear that he was fully capable of supporting the woman and making her his wife... but that he was respectful of her and intent upon proving so. Men would come to the living quarters of the woman and just sit.... for hours at a time... Perhaps play a game of chess or some other monotonous activity just to be in the presence of the woman... And in return, if the chick was digging him too, she would provide him with some sort of favor of hers... A breast-kerchief (as I like to call it lol) or a sentimental broche for him to remember her by in her absence. A slight favor that said that she, too, was interested in the courtship and that his work was not unnoted. Now, we can fast forward a bit to the “Good Times” era that i spoke of before because there are examples of courtship there too. Remember when Thelma was dating that guy... I can’t remember his name... But I distinctly recall him always having to sit in the living room with the rest of the family... Despite the fact that she was pretty much a grown woman. I’ve heard my parents tell similar stories of dates having to involve other family members. And this hits a little bit closer to home. Most guys were probably not looking at a woman and thinking of how much he wanted to respect her and appreciate her... But instead he probably endured everything that he knew would be required in order to get with her... in every sense of the word.


Though I love the idea of a man thinking a woman is worth all of these wonderful things and behaving a certain way as a reflection of his feelings for her... The more realistic possibility is that he is doing what it takes because it is what he wants... and has accepted that task... It’s more practical and equally as respectable. In all of these cases, though, the man would do the majority of the work to prove himself because he knew that in the end he was receiving a prize. And therefore, putting in work on the front end guaranteed him something of value on the back end. Therefore driving (or walking... or now metroing) to her house, putting up with her family, paying for movies and glass bottles of soda pop, buying food, buying concert tickets for a show that he never wanted to see just so it would make her happy... opening car doors, going without nookie... all of these things were the price he had to pay for a top quality chick. Sure he could go make out behind the bleachers with one of the fast chicks that would give it up in a second.... sure he could go over her house whenever he wanted to and have his way with her no questions asked... sure he probably didn’t have to wine or dine her at all... But at the same time,here, work was easily equated to worth [[see previous blogs for this phenomenon]]. And so if he wanted someone who he could marry and bring home to his mother... he was going to have to do what it took. Again, respectable...

So all of this, of course begs the question of how this translates to 21st century living, and what has changed!? My honest answer... Women and the value thereof... And I’m not talking about the socially imposed value of women, though this plays a role in it too. But I’m referring to the self-imposed value that we as women give ourselves. It is a direct reflection of the way that mothers AND ESPECIALLY fathers are raising their daughters (which I will get to in a minute), and then consequently what the women who grow are willing to accept themselves. And we have all been guilty of it. We have all required less than what we deserve. We have all cried over someone’s son who did not deserve our tears or our time, or our nookie for that matter. We have all given it away to someone who wasn’t worth the gum on the bottom of a 4 year-old’s shoe. We have all been the product of treatment less than our actual worth. But it has perpetuated beyond necessity and it honestly has to stop somewhere.

 Here’s my thing... Women are in a different place now altogether. We are educated. We are able to vote. We may not get paid as well as men everywhere in every profession, but we are working our way there. We are strong. We are independent. Anything they can do, we can do better... Right??? eh... I’m not too sure. I love the song Miss Independent (the remix) because I couldn’t say it better myself... “There is nothing that’s more sexy, than a girl that wants but don’t need me...” So where does this leave men if we are truly capable of all of the above? And not only that but where does it leave dating and more importantly courting? Men don’t court women anymore. For some reason the right to be independent has also given us the right to be wild, lose, and unrespectable in so many eyes; including our own. One of my best friends believes in courting while the other doesn’t... something else I realized today while pondering this topic. But I think a compromise is in order, and I think it is in order FAST! TO ME, when a man honestly feels a certain way about a woman... the way that he should feel when he wants to spend his life, and create a life with her... he will do whatever it takes in order to win her favor. He will court her. And some of it will be by way of his natural inclination... but some of it will be because of the standards that she sets for herself. In order for him to give of himself though, there has to be something about her that still makes him feel like he is getting a prize in the end! And for that to happen, the woman has to know, herself, that she is a prize! The way that she requires for others to treat her should always be a direct reflection of the way that she treats herself! She sets the tone! She provides the example. Somewhere along the journey, we seem to have forgotten that. And on this quest to gain the “power” that we assume independence brings, we have lost some power as well. The sex thing... for instance... Yes.. Human beings are sexual beings... We are physically attractive and attracted to one another. But it is also important to remember what sex means to men. Women, we really are not built like them, nor should we be. Sorry... Now this is in no way meant to insinuate that we are incapable of sex without feelings or that double standards are fair... Neither is the point or the case. However, in order for us to understand our value we also have to understand the value of what is in between our legs and how much of ourselves we give away every time we have a new sexual partner. The female anatomy is something that has been fought for, fought over, sought after, chased, you name it... men have done it in order to get to it! So why not use it as leverage...!? They expect us to … Or at least they used to... And of course we are much more than just this. And we’d absolutely better be. But just as our brains are valuable and we never want to undermine how important they are... We should never undermine the power of the V either! After all, it is what separates us and it is the ultimate conquest.

So understanding that the V is important is part of it. But being MORE than just that is the other part. Having standards, being supportive, having goals, having ideas, intellect, taking pride in ourselves... these are just a few of the things that make us great and make us worth protecting and worth caring for and providing for... Worth opening the car door for and remembering to put the toilet seat down. We are all of those things, and therein lies the prize. But we have to know it...especially if we want them to know it.

 Now back to courting. To me, courting is more than just the behaviors that a man partakes in when interested in a woman... It is the intent behind it. It is the consistency. It is the genuineness and honesty. I cannot stand it when a man puts tons of effort into a woman that he’s actually treating badly or cheating on... Or worse, when a man puts in work then reverses his behaviors once he gets what he was after. But again, in that case... that man probably was not courting... he was acting with a desired outcome.... Anyway, a man in courting is one with a mission...with a purpose. His approach will be different because his outlook is different. Here, this is why I don’t just mean causal or even serious dating... This man feels he has met his match, his equal...his rib... I don’t mean to say that if a man doesn’t feel this strongly about the chick he is seeing he should stop reading. But I am being very intentional about my language... Because courting is something that a man does when he is hoping to show a woman that he is worth marrying and furthermore worth her hand in marriage... which to him is a prize... A man in courting is not a perfect man. Furthermore, courting is not synonymous with chivalry... Although a man in courting is probably a chivalrous man... He is intentional about getting to know her... He is clear about his intentions (even if he is subtle about it)... He is attentive to her needs, her shifts in mood, her differences in opinion... and he is concerned about her opinions of him. This does not mean that he changes who he is completely. However, if she has a problem with his behavior, he will at the very least begin to examine those behaviors and compare them to her definition of a mate... and at most, he will change them completely if that means keeping her around. If he is still a bit immature, as many PEOPLE are, he may lie in the beginning when he’s afraid of displeasing her and then realize that there is no reason to lie to the person who should eventually know you better than anyone else. My point is... he will make mistakes. But he will learn from them. He will want to make her happy because his happiness is tied to hers.


So, courting in these times... What does that look like? Well, first of all, a woman has to be woman enough to understand that deserving protection and provision in no way makes her weak. It does not take away from any of her accomplishments or her independents. But it shows that she is a prize. The same way that men polish, protect, honor and obey their vehicles (regardless of how raggedy or glamorous) is the same way he should want to protect his woman... his wife. But I’m not going to get into the metaphor of boys and their toys because it's not as essential to the point. If he values it, he will protect it. And you want to be valued ladies... TRUST ME! Now... I do not think that women are therefore incapable of providing things to the equation as well. However, there has to be balance. A man has to feel like a man. A man has to know that he is the deciding force in his home, and we have to make them feel this way. I’m still torn on my thoughts about meeting half-way because I am very in love with my old school conservative views and I own that. But I do think that women can partake in the effort within reason. You can drive to him sometimes, but that does not negate his obligation to put in effort. You can plan a date sometimes, and pay for it... But on occasion... And if that seems selfish, I apologize. But I think that to a certain extent, money means more to men than it does to women and there are other areas of the relationship for which the female expertise should be utilized. That also means, though, that women have to get out of the mentality that men will always be white knights riding in on white Lambos.... because that isn’t realistic or fair. I’m not saying that the man should have to front all of the effort... But I am saying that his effort should match his interest and how serious he is and a woman will not be able to gauge that at all if she is always offering to do all of the work because she’s too independent to be cared for. Yes you have a car... but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD pick you up and take you out on dates. Yes you can pay for your own dinner but he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD make it clear to you that not only is he positioned to take care of you... but that he genuinely wants to and is happy to do so because you are a prize. I could also go in depth about ways to show him that he is a prize...which if he is...and he has proven himself SPECIFICALLY THROUGH COURTSHIP AND MOST DEFINITELY THROUGH MARRIAGE... you should make it clear to him that he is valued and valuable... But I will leave that portion for another blog on another day because this one is all about courtship...

Now.. Gentlemen have their roles cut out for them. But I do not think that those roles are as clear as they should be. Part of that is our fault as women. But part of it is really just the age-old story of research to practice! I read something the other day that COMPLETELY left me baffled by how true it was... and that almost never happens... It basically said that men should treat women the way they would want their daughters, sisters, and mothers to be treated... and yet many do not! [[GAAAAAAAAASP!!!!]] Now, in an effort not to get too deep with the finger pointing here... I will simply provide the thoughts I had on the topic today in a very generalized way. The relationship between a father and his daughter... At least the way that that relationship should go: When your daughter is born...she is the apple of your eye. You love, cherish, and protect her. You clean her up, you coddle her, you are proud that you were able to create something so perfect. And you vow from that point forward that as her father, as long as you live, there will never be a want that she has that goes unsatisfied! She will never go without. She will never know pain, or fear, or loneliness, or lack hope. Why? Because Daddy will see to it that all of her needs, wants and desires are met. And if any person, male or female DARES to disrespect her... PCHFT! ONLY A FOOL WOULD TRY... Because otherwise, he would feel your wrath. As she grows, you are careful with her feelings and with her heart. You make sure she is fed on time. You see to it that the safety provisions of her car seat are secure. You even check the car she’ll be riding in, TWICE! So much care and maintenance goes into this relationship! As it should. You are also setting an example for her of what a man should always do if he ever wants to even think of looking in her direction... ONLY THE BEST FOR YOUR BABY! ←-------


[[INSERT BLARING OBNOXIOUS LIGHTS]] THAT!!!!!!!! Ladies and gents, is what a man in courtship looks like. Clearly, the devotion and feelings are a bit different for the woman he is dating and/or courting. But the behaviors are the same, and the reasoning is the same too. She is the prize that he is tasked with protecting and maintaining. It’s much more than dating. It’s far more involved. And it should be. The stakes are higher, the prizes-rewards-and benefits are better, and the disdain for failure is thicker. That’s my point! So women, do a better job of being a prize worth protecting... ESPECIALLY SO before you send another tweet about being taken on a $200 date! Get yourself together so that when someone worth your time comes along, you can recognize him.... One because he’s not doing anything you don’t already do for yourself and therefore you can see him more clearly... But TWO because he’s doing it from a very genuine place and could be exactly what you DESERVE... And men, think more clearly about what you want in life, and what you need... and the type of person you’d like to share all of that with. And when you find her... treat her as such, as she could be exactly what you need and what YOU deserve.

17...oops 18 19 Things I have Learned about Me...

In my journey to become me, I have been learning a great deal about myself. I learn just as much from the let downs and frustrations as I do from the happy surprises and high points. Here are a few of the things that I have learned thus far...

 1. I am a giver... first, foremost, and to the core: I realized recently through a conversation with a new friend, that I have always been groomed to take care of others. IT is my gift and my curse. A gift to others and a curse to me. I put others first and would give my mortal enemy the shirt off of my back if it meant his/her survival. Sometimes I wish that weren't true of me... But it is. There are those who seek to take advantage of that attribute in me, and despite that knowledge, there is nothing I would change about that quality...  


2. I appreciate reciprocity for reciprocity's sake... People who believe in doing unto others as they would have them do rock my socks... It is a key principle to me... Though it doesn't always pan out the way it should... But I truly appreciate people who approach life, friendships, relationships, all situations with this mindset... 


  3. I appreciate people who do things because they need to be done... especially men: My dad is not an assertive person, by nature... And he has also been criticized (mostly by my mom) for his spirit of procrastination... He has great ideas but will sit on them... However, he is also the type of person who if something needs to be done... He will do it no questions asked. You won't even know that it was necessary sometimes. In these instances, I am referring more to manly things like fixing the AC in my car or changing the light bulb in my room (as I cannot reach them). But that is truly how he is. I realize I need a husband like this... And I value people who approach life with this mindset. I am like this, actually, the more I think about it. If something needs to be done, I am far more likely to be off doing it while other people are discussing having it done. And I think, in many ways, I get this from my dad and my mom. My mom would have a fit if she ever saw this because she'd want all of the credit. But my dad is that way too. I'm a mover and shaker. I'd much rather be acting than discussing. And if I'm discussing, it is usually only related to the necessity of the doing... My friends know this about me. I may not be the person making the decision all of the time (I LOATHE MAKING DECISIONS REGARDING LEISURELY THINGS... I think I'm sometimes difficult in my attempts to remain low maintenance lol) ... But I will NOT be happy for long if we are just standing around discussing the action.. LETS JUST DO IT!


4. People will always find a way to do the things they want to do... If things don't get done, it's because the person WOULDN'T... not because he or she COULDN'T: I have experienced people getting mad with my views on this... But it is very difficult for me to feel differently... I realize that cannot is a word that I don't use often... It has to be a physical impossibility for me to actually use the word... Furthermore, I truly can will myself to do pretty much anything... I am truly tat stubborn and it works both ways (for the good and the bad of a situation). So when people tell me they cannot do something... I automatically translate that into they will not because they have decided to do something else OR that something else was more important...which is PERFECTLY fine... It does not really change the way I view the person until they start to make excuses for what they have decided to do... I am a very no-excuse necessary type of person. If you are giving me an explanation so that I have context for the situation...that's fine... But if that is then not followed up with action of some sort... it is an excuse... Nothing more nothing less... And even still, I'm not unforgiving when that turns out to be the case...It is just not the way that I live and operate/function. Different strokes. But ultimately, people will always make time, will, and way to do what they want. And that will have no bearing on what someone else has done or is doing. If I want to buy you a birthday gift, for instance... It ill not matter that you have not gotten me a gift in years...or that you were rude to me the day that I went to the store to buy it...or that my check was short and therefore I did not have enough funds to do it... In all of those situations I would adapt... In the case of the shortened check, that may come with an explanation ... and I'd just get the gift when my funds resumed. But My response would never be that I COULDN'T get you a gift...It'd be that I did not because of whatever, and yet will when my situation changes...because it is something that I WANT to do... If you're rude to me or don't ever get me gifts, and that deters me from getting you something... My reasoning is flawed. I do not WANT to get you a gift, I either feel obligated...or think it would be nice with certain contingencies set in play... but it is completely conditional... and therefore was not a true desire of mine... That is just the way I see it. People do not let others get in the way of what they truly want to do. There are obvious limitations to this... but even those have reasoning as well... [[shrug]]


5.Balance is the key to everything : This is my golden rule. And it is very important to me. I think more than any other situation in my life, my last relationship taught me a huge lesson about balance... and about my own stubbornness... But specifically about balance. It didn't end because I didn't love him enough or because he didn't love me... I did... and I can't speak for him... But I thought he did... It ended, in my opinion, because there was no balance. Everything was so extreme all of the time. His crazy ignited my anger. My anger ignited his crazy. When he was in crazy mode, nothing I could do or say could calm him down. When I was in angry mode, there was nothing he could do or say to bring me out of it. We sparked the wrong things in one another with no buffer to even things out. And we paid for it... drastically. We went as far as two people could go, farther in fact... before it became clear that we were destructive together. He hurt me... pretty badly to be honest... But I'm no longer angry about it... I am now pretty indifferent (see lesson #7 below lol)...But ultimately we were broken before we started which made the damage done that more irreparable... There was no balance. I think that in all relationships, regardless of nature, balance is one of the most important attributes a relationship can possess... It is what allows the good to outweigh the bad... It is what keeps things moving in an onward fashion...It is literally the equation for growth versus loss... But in a non-mathematical way... balance is what forges the growth and prosperity of a union... And a relationship will not survive without it...nor will a lifestyle, company, occupation, conversation... nothing in life (physical or otherwise) can survive without equilibrium... And it is something that I find to be so precious... It is logic that balances out emotion, fear, rage, recklessness... It is love that balances out anger, hurt, pain, disdain... Its not to say that none of he bad exists and there will only always be good... But the work and beauty is in finding and maintaining that balance...Similarly, I need my friendships and extracurricular outlets to balance out my school and work lives... One will not work without the other... I'd cease to exist otherwise (that may be a bit dramatic but it is true in many ways...) So important to me in so many different facets of my life.


  6. Who we are is a culmination of the person we are when no one is watching, and the person we are when everyone is watching: For some people, these two are one in the same... And for some the two are completely different... There are some who believe that it is only who you are when others aren't paying attention that truly matters. But I don't think that to be entirely true. I think each says something unique about you. But we are all struggling with something... and I don't know anyone who is always at their proudest of moments... However my personal goal is to have those two people be as in sync as possible. And most of the time, I'm successful. If a person is really rude to people when the cameras are rolling, but secretly spends free-time running and serving the line of a local soup kitchen... which person are they? They are both... and there is probably a story behind their behavior in each instance.  


7. A person has to truly hurt me to the core in order to render me completely indifferent toward them... This is more true than I care to admit. I am a very upbeat person by nature... I love everyone... I try to see the good in everyone... I don't treat everyone the same... I am all for individual treatment in individual relationships... And I will let a person hurt me more than once before I am done... Really... I have allowed people to hurt me repeatedly because I am also pretty huge on forgiveness... And I think forgiveness is more for you than it is the other person anyway... However I realize that the people I am closest to have the greatest potential to hurt me... Which is why I behave the way that I do when it happens...I detach completely. I refuse to give or receive explanations. I shut all the way down. I close myself off. I am neither rude or friendly... I am polite. Cut and dry... But I'm not my usual sarcastic, joking, passionate self. All roads to that version of me are demolished in an attempt to stop the pain... And I'm usually very successful... There are also very clear signs for when that version of me is on the horizon, as I have noticed... I usually stop confiding... I stop sharing... I stop being interactive and engaging... I check out emotionally... And I'm usually unaware that it's coming. I have noticed that in situations that are not meant for me or that mean me harm...very drastic things happen in order to separate me from the individual or situation. I attribute this to the fact that I truly do not know when enough has proven itself to be enough. And so I think God usually uses this method to let me know that it is time to go. I won't listen otherwise. So when my feelings completely shut off.. I know that it is meant to be that way. But it usually takes a lot to get me to that point... and once I'm there... It always seems to be the most insignificant detail that pushed me to the ledge... Sort of like the lone piece of straw breaking the camel's back. This has only happened to me a total of 4 times in my life. But it is usually extremely distinctive every single time.  


8. Life is too short to be unhappy for any period of time... and for anyone EVER... I think this is pretty self explanatory. But it is a hard lesson for me every time I learn it. I will sacrifice my own happiness for the good of others. But I'm getting better with choosing me... And choosing people who truly have my best interest at heart to surround me... I am a work in progress...Usually my friends have to remind me that I'm not adhering to this principle... or that I'm putting everyone but me first. And that is why my prayer has recently become for God to just bless me with someone who understands that I am a self sacrificer. and will not allow me to do it... all of the time lol  


9. Integrity is a situational accomplice: This has changed for me. I always thought that integrity was an attribute that defines us. Either we have it or we don't. But in reality... it is completely situational. We exercise it in some instances and not at all in others. And it is more subjective than we care to acknowledge. Additionally, sometimes it wins us favor with others and sometimes, often times, quite the opposite.  


10. The truth is completely relative and is always up for interpretation... Even when it isn't: There is a scene in the movie Couple's Retreat...where Vince Vaugn's character is trying to explain how dramatic the shark bite was for him to his wife and his therapist. When neither of them agreed, he replied "I know my truth". lol That part makes me laugh hysterically every time I hear it. But the truth really is another one of those things that people fight over as an absolute. Only it isn't an absolute. It is relative. It is subjective. It is based solely on perception. Everyone has their truth. But the truth is not he exact opposite of a lie. A lie is the intentional distortion of the truth by way of omission or addition of fabricated details. The truth is something that is based on the vantage point of the teller. So for everyone who is on this intense search for the truth (which sometimes I must admit that I am), do so knowing that what you find will be the collaboration of several truths...or at least it should be. And sometimes, even the truth is a lie (shout out to day 26... I love you mans!) But in all seriousness... That is a serious lesson to learn. And it is important to understand the difference between the absolute truth (which is really just a Utopian theory), a person's truth, and a lie... 


  11. A little effort truly does go a long way... with me anyway: The most meaningful experiences that I have ever had in my life (good and bad) have been the result of a person;s intention and/or effort...and not the behavior/gift/event itself. If a person asks me on a date... I am much more likely to be impressed with the time it took him to select a place while taking my likes and dislikes into account... or the effort it took for him to set up the scene or decide on the right place and the right atmosphere... than I am on how fancy the place is. I would much rather attend a well-suited hole in the wall that serves my favorite cuisine and leaves room for good conversation than I would a really fancy dinner that cost the person tons of money but minimal effort... It is how I am about everything. Specifically because it is the way I treat others. When I buy gifts, it is a strenuous process of selections and eliminations, individualizations, effort. I don't just go to a site and say, "hmmm I think she'll like these... *click* *click* *click*" That's not my style because people mean more to me than that. Even if it involves something that I dislike or am not a fan of spending time on... If I have made up my mind to do it... (see lesson #4 above)...then that's what it is and it means that I will put the effort into making it as thoughtful as possible. And I appreciate the same in return. Especially when it is unexpected.  


12. I am happiest when the people who matter most to me are happy: Self explanatory and really true of me. Very few things in this life make me happier. (Good books, witty television situational comedies or drams, soulful music, and lazy Sunday mornings all come a close second to this!) 


13. Support means more to me than I ever realized: I foolishly believed that support meant little to me before recently... But I also note that when I don't have it from the people who matter most to me... Things in my life seem completely off center... It hurts me...and I usually find ways to make not having it okay... But even having to make those types of adjustment shows that I am influenced buy its absence... It is also something that means a lot to me in genuineness... If you care about me...and therefore the things that matter to me automatically matter to you...It says a world about the depth of your concern. It draws the lines as appropriate in my life... As it should, I suppose. 


  14. My day is not the same if I don't pray in the morning, take my morning run, and dance in my mirror to an upbeat song before I leave the house... Another one that is self explanatory... If I don't do any of these things... My day is super off... And on days when I am fortunate enough to complete all three....! WHOOT! =) Try it... It changes things 


  15. I love people, but I don't usually like them very much: I am an Aquarius...and this is true for most that I know. I don't think the Zodiac has it ALL figured out...but I am honestly a champion of human rights and appropriate treatment for the same people who irritate me to no end... lol I giggle every time I realize how true this is for me.  


16. I am a huge fan of self-assessment : I did a whole blog on this so I won't reiterate inappropriately. But I can only do what works for me. I check myself OFTEN. Mainly out of fear of hypocrisy but also just because I feel like it's the correct thing to do. I do not like it when people are more of an expert on me than me... It is honestly unacceptable, for me... 


  17. Everyone is a work in progress... including me. I often forget that it is okay for me to make mistakes and fall off track sometimes. I am always willing to accept it of others, but am less accepting or understanding of it when it comes to myself. I'm working on it though.  


18. I truly do believe that the children are our future... I have devoted my life's work to this concept...and I believe our children...our future deserves better from us. We have to lead them in the right direction, nourish their growth with wisdom, truth, and honesty... For without them... we are surely lost. I hate it when people criticize the problem while doing NOTHING to foster a solution... And that is what I see so many people doing with these growing generations... But in this instance...there is a very clear line drawn between doing that and the persistence of the problem...  


19. I am sometimes complicated in my simplicity... And I own that... :)

Reasonable Doubt

I've been having some pretty powerful conversations lately that have been sending my thoughts into overload. I have also been having experiences that have been causing me to question the motives of some who I THOUGHT had my best interests at heart. But recently, I have also been paying close attention to my own actions, as well as those of others to better understand why we do the things we do. And I have been wondering if we, ourselves, are really asking ourselves that very important question of "why?" I try not to do things just to do them, because that is never a strong enough reason to me. "Because I enjoy it" is only okay for certain situations. But ultimately, I like to be able to justify my behavior, if for no one else's benefit, for my own. And yet, I just can't seem to get away from the craziness of others if my life depended on it. I'm beginning to think it's just me... though some of the scenarios my friends have run into are quite comical yet utterly pointless as well. I just wish more people would pay attention to the actions and messages they are sending through those actions. It would save so much time and ignorance if they would.


 Take for instance that ex who is going out of his way to let you know that his world is ending because you're not together anymore...and yet is selling himself all over online dating sites just itching to get at some random floozy... posting shirtless pics, fabricating his interesting-ability, adding excitement to his life to appear more worth while... Why go through the trouble of trying to guilt-trip me when you're clearly putting in WORK to bag youngins in the background...

 Or better yet that side-piece that swears up and down he knows he's a side piece... and yet will literally hold up traffic ducking in his driver's side seat hoping you don't spot him with the chick that he seems convinced you don't know he's (also) smashin!


And ladies aren't exempt... there's the super self-righteous Do the right thing chick who invites you over to her place... sets the tone for you two to get it in... then is CLEARLY irritated when you don't... But Blows on you for treating her like a cheap shot of poon the moment you text her anytime after 11:00pm...


In all of these instances... the person described is clearly confused by either the way that they feel or the actions that should be taken toward those feelings... But I bet you it is because they do not understand what true introspection is. They are too afraid to challenge themselves and ask why they are behaving accordingly,likely because they are afraid of the answer they will receive... At this point, I'm not entirely sure that I even have a point... I'm likely just super irritated with the way that full-grown adults believe it is acceptable to behave... Because they cannot deal with their own issues, insecurities, inferiority complexes ,etc. ... they find it acceptable to infringe upon the happiness of others until they finally figure it out... But to them I say...With strength and integrity... AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Live your life... be accountable to yourself... and stop blaming others or passing the buck for the things that you haven't had a chance to take care of... Because otherwise you're just wasting valuable space and time that could be spent on something more useful... like tree planting... or cleaning the pacific...


 I dunno... I mean I kinda get it... The ex is probably unsure of his real feelings about the situation and doesn't wanna accept responsibility for his role in the demise of the relationship... OR ... he may just be manipulative and may be using every angle he can to cause pain to his current significant other... Either way.. his actions and words are in conflict and therefore he doesn't get the benefit of the doubt.. There's a lie somewhere in there... and after a while, if he doesn't ask himself the tough questions and get to the bottom of things...why would anyone else waste their time trying to...? The actions here destroy any hope of a positive spin on the thought process... BIG TIME... The side piece that doesn't know he's a side piece may be trying to back pocket the chick he's ducking and dodging when other yeezies are around. Saving her for when he finally wants to settle down and actually be serious about someone... however, he underestimates the chick big time. Clearly she knows him...knows his car...knows what he looks like... So behaving that way only makes him look like a crazy, shady, shaggy-haired liar... which is OKAY because she's probably not considering him forreal anyway... But again... he isn't thinking before he behaves and it shows through his actions... No reason for reasonable doubt there because the actions overshadow the thought process ... BIG TIME... And then there's the chick... I think we all know what her problem is... She's insecure... She wants this dude to desire her... but is conflicted by what that means for her brains, her stature, her worth... And is that HIS problem...?? NO! It's hers... but because she has it all figured out... she's not going to ask herself the important questions and will therefore continue to lose...

 LOOK! 7_7 Life is just too short for the games, for the bs... for the excess baggage... Grow up... find what makes you happy... Do THAT... and stop bothering me.