Eggs and baskets

Okay... ((sigh)). So this seems to be one of those forks in the road for me where I'm forced to align my behavior with either : 1.) what I believe is right OR 2.)what life has been showing me. The two are in constant conflict with one another...and even when I think I've stumbled across some sort of resolution... NOT SO!


I'm not a fan of what life shows me because it gives me no hope for a future that aligns with my inherent beliefs.


It has always been my stance that when it comes to relationships, you should always give your all and trust that your partner is doing the same. As such the need for second guessing, mistrust, stepping outside of, disbelief, and any other negative feelings associated with giving your all to a person. I have always been a firm believer of holding on to all of your eggs until you find someone worthy of trading with. And even then...you don't give them all of your eggs at once but instead gradually test which of your eggs you can trust that person with. Eventually though...as that person proves him or herself more and more trustworthy...you begin to trust them with more of your eggs. Simultaneously, they too are entrusting you with their eggs little by little and bit by bit. And eventually, the goal is that all of your eggs are in their basket and all of theirs are in yours. OR the two are so enmeshed in one giant basket labeled "OURS" that it is difficult for anyone to know whose eggs are where. I guess really, that's the ultimate goal. Or at least I thought it was.



But anyway ...what life is showing me is something different that I'm not a fan of (as mentioned). Life seems to suggests that you should never share your eggs. Or that if you do, not all of them. Life seems to suggest that even if someone requests to be the bearer of your eggs, you should only give them enough for appeasement. Always either keeping a few for yourself (to give to or place in the basket of another) or be deceitful about how many eggs you have to give at all. Either way... Be sneaky and underhanded with the disbursement of your eggs. Always place them in several baskets. Why? 1.) because everyone else is and 2.) so that you can't be totally crushed when your eggs aren't properly tended to it cared for.


Now what's funny about this is that I've played both ways. And both have points of fulfillment and emptiness.


Maybe I should first define the eggs though. At least my eggs are kinda labeled. There are my friendship eggs. My romantic eggs. My discussion eggs. My emotional eggs. My fun eggs. My erotic/fantasy eggs. My sexy eggs. My intellectual eggs. My homemaker eggs. My act right eggs. My submissive eggs. My opinionated eggs. My super sensitive and fragile eggs. My excitement eggs. My damsel in distress eggs. YEESH! That's a lot of eggs. But everyone has them in differing varieties. So it's clear that shelling them out (all pun intended) to anyone takes a lot out of me and therefore requires at least something of them.


I have to admit that it's been a long while since I put all of my eggs in one place. YEARS in fact. And that was the craziest most fulfilling yet draining relationship ever! WHY? He abused my eggs. Lol. I might've abused some of his too though. We rushed. We loved hard. We obsessed. We fought. We made up. And I probably wouldn't change anything about that. BUT ultimately...I probably would have killed him. Or left. Because I don't think I could've done it for much longer. As much as I loved him. As much as he loved me.


This is why I think I'll probably remain an old maid for life. I can't imagine building a life with someone who I can't trust to be faithful. I can't build a life with someone who doesn't take my feelings and concerns seriously. I can't build a life with someone who is content as a man with me doing all the work just because I can and will. I just can't do it. But mostly... I can't be with someone who won't love me and cherish me for and in spite of everyone of my eggs! And I can't be with someone who I can't trust with my eggs or that won't trust me with theirs.

And if that's my marker... And if life is showing me to never trust others because they will abuse that trust every time ... Where does that leave my future...?