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Just Give 'Em thePickle
Relationships are hard work. The more I grow, and the more I experience, I realize that these should not be taken or entered into lightly. And yet, people do this daily. I realize that human interactions are never simple, and rightfully so as they engage the emotions,thought processes, patterns, behaviors, and experiences of two different people who have two different approaches to everything. There are bound to be misunderstandings, conflict is destined, and confusion is inherent. However,working toward a harmonious and healthy existence with someone else is both achoice and an honor because it is also my belief that the side effects of this endeavor are beneficial and far outweigh the detriment, if handled properly.
Lately, life has been full of contradictions. I like to think of it as a clash between the past, the present,and the future that will be the product of whichever wins. We are taught to value family and collectivism, yet told to seize the day and live each like it is our last. We are taught to take care of others, and consistently forgive them; yet we are also taught to take care of ourselves and consistently bewareof others who seek to destroy us or our happiness. Make plans for a future and invest, but know that life is too short to live like there is a tomorrow. Allof these mixed messages impact the way that we interact with one another, and ultimately the way that we behave in our relationships. We want to build relationships that last and that matter, but the moment conflict arises we conveniently remember that life is too short to be unhappy. We completely bypass the fact that the aforementioned phrase is likely referring to a perpetual state of unhappiness and discomfort, and not the way you felt when you found out that your significant other did not take out the trash this morning. We have become too concerned with making ourselves happy to invest inthe happiness of someone else and building to bring that shared happiness to fruition.
Through all of this contradiction,though, I have really been trying to find my way through the smoke. I went from thinking that God sends you that one person who is meant to change your life,to thinking that you just pick someone (arbitrary or not) to be with and you do whatever it takes to make it work with that person; come what may. Both of these, individually, have gotten me into trouble. My current thoughts, though, have evolved abit from those, and morphed into some sort of combination thereof…. A hybrid ofthe two, if you will. I still fully believe that God places people in your life for such a time as this. That can be as long or as short as necessary. However,sometimes, he may intend for someone to be in our lives for the long haul, but earning that relationship then becomes our responsibility. My thoughts on this also align with my opinions on God’s permissive versus his intended will forour lives. There is a certain amount of room/flexibility that he will allow,but overall the things that he wants to happen will happen with or without our cooperation.
In lieu of these beliefs, there are also certain things that I tend to view as relationship basics. These are also a bit contradictory, but these contradictions are an integral part of the process. For instance, I think that relationships should be as effortless as they are intentional and oriented around work and effort. Certain parts of the relationship should be effortless. You should enjoy being around that person,genuinely. You should feel comfortable talking to that person. You should feel,overall, that the person has your best interest at heart. However, you should also work toward showing that person how you feel, understanding the aspects ofthat person that you don’t automatically identify with, making sure that your actions and your words align where this person is concerned. Also, you will both adore and loathe this person at times. There will be times when this person is all you think about; their happiness means your happiness, you have rude thoughts about anyone who would seek to bring them pain. Yet, because of how much this person matters to you, there will also be times when you just cannot stand the sight of them… Their voice makes you want to throw things,their name makes you angry even if you just see it written down somewhere… lol.There will be times that you just want to rip off their clothes, and other times that you just want to rip off their heads. Again, same principle as before. The point being that REAL relationships go through periods of transition. That is completely healthy and completely normal. And just because everyday isn’t daisies and sunshine does not mean that the ship has sailed and the relationship is no longer worth your time… These things requires work.
However, there are also things that should always exist in a relationship. You should cherish the person, the person should cherish you. You should communicate with the person, the person should communicate with you. You should honor the person, the person should honor you. You should take pride in the person, in their accomplishments, in their goals. You should want to help them achieve them, and support them in their endeavors. They should do the same for you. Reciprocity, and very intentional and deliberate steps should be taken to secure and insure one another’s happiness. But there are certainly times when we lose sight on how to do this.There are times that we find this difficulty, and the relationship suffers as aresult of this. And in the end, something that was completely avoidable or fixable, can end up ruining what would have been an otherwise fruitful and prosperous union.
So anyway, on to the title of this blog, and the overall point of this rant… There is this man that I know. And in our past life together, whenever we would have a disagreement about really anything, he would always put on his customer service persona and write me emails from his imaginary company as if he were a customer service agent. It used to both amuse and irritate me. He never did it over big issues, only small ones. But ultimately, he has a business mind (cardinal rule #1 in relationships: KNOW YOUR PARTNER!), and so it makes sense that this is how he chose to relate. Also, it was much more his incessant douchebag terminology in the emails that peeved me more so than the messages themselves. However, in retrospect, there is nothing wrong with applying a customer service approach to relationships. There is a consumer, and a retailer. There is a product/end result in mind. The retailer has the responsibility of securing and insuring the consumer's happiness with the product. These are undisputed facts. But both members of the relationship are playing the role of the consumer and the retailer simultaneously, all of the time. And if both members of the relationship take on this perspective, even just a little bit…The effects could be drastically beneficial.
Now, “Just give them the pickle” is huge in the world of customer service. If you have a second, google the phrase.It is quite interesting to read the story, and get the old man’s take on how he sees customer service. However, for the purpose of discussion here, I’ll summarize. The old man owned a deli of some sort where people loved the sandwiches and loved the pickles. After much success and the ability to expand,more stores were opened and people were hired. Usually, when a person would ask for an extra pickle, it was no problem. But overtime, business savvy experts began to note that the pickles cost the store money, and therefore people should start paying for them if they wanted more than the amount allotted in their meals. Customers began to complain, and when the old man heard about this, his philosophy became ‘Just give them the pickle’… The idea being that we want their business. Yes, the pickles cost us money, but not to the extent that losing customers over them is justifiable. So in the end, let’s just give them what we want instead of wasting valuable time arguing over something that could sever the relationship forever.
Now, first of all I know that some of you little dirty-minded freaks were hoping the title meant something else. But alas, just think about some of the arguments you have had with your significant other (past and present) and think about how tightly either of you may have held on to a point just because you did not want to lose ground in the argument. Now granted, there are times when arguments need to happen, and there are times when this is healthy. There are also times where you’re arguing with someone you really don’t need to be with anyway, and the arguments are a symptom of that. That isn’t what this particular blog is speaking to. This is about when we let small things become big things, all because we are afraid to lose ground or want to save face. If both parties would just take a step back and speak the truth, which is I can really give you what I know you’re asking for… and really mean it… JUST THINK of how much more seamlessly things would flow. Just think of how much better things would be between them after that…
The reality is that ... when we love someone... we choose to accept them flaws and all, and to help them to be their best; and I think that requires some selflessness on our part that calls upon a blind faith in the fact that WHEN, not if, the tables are turned, they will do the same for us…
When you decide to make a life with someone, you also make a choice to accept them and to be there… And you also choose to persevere with them, come what may. Too many people take that lightly these days… But if we start to just concede,just a little bit when we know that in the end, we would do anything for that person and they would do anything for us… It’s not a loss. It’s actually a victory.But it definitely takes a certain level of maturity to see that… and to embrace it for what it truly is…
Until next time folks…
