Eggs and baskets

Okay... ((sigh)). So this seems to be one of those forks in the road for me where I'm forced to align my behavior with either : 1.) what I believe is right OR 2.)what life has been showing me. The two are in constant conflict with one another...and even when I think I've stumbled across some sort of resolution... NOT SO!


I'm not a fan of what life shows me because it gives me no hope for a future that aligns with my inherent beliefs.


It has always been my stance that when it comes to relationships, you should always give your all and trust that your partner is doing the same. As such the need for second guessing, mistrust, stepping outside of, disbelief, and any other negative feelings associated with giving your all to a person. I have always been a firm believer of holding on to all of your eggs until you find someone worthy of trading with. And even then...you don't give them all of your eggs at once but instead gradually test which of your eggs you can trust that person with. Eventually though...as that person proves him or herself more and more trustworthy...you begin to trust them with more of your eggs. Simultaneously, they too are entrusting you with their eggs little by little and bit by bit. And eventually, the goal is that all of your eggs are in their basket and all of theirs are in yours. OR the two are so enmeshed in one giant basket labeled "OURS" that it is difficult for anyone to know whose eggs are where. I guess really, that's the ultimate goal. Or at least I thought it was.



But anyway ...what life is showing me is something different that I'm not a fan of (as mentioned). Life seems to suggests that you should never share your eggs. Or that if you do, not all of them. Life seems to suggest that even if someone requests to be the bearer of your eggs, you should only give them enough for appeasement. Always either keeping a few for yourself (to give to or place in the basket of another) or be deceitful about how many eggs you have to give at all. Either way... Be sneaky and underhanded with the disbursement of your eggs. Always place them in several baskets. Why? 1.) because everyone else is and 2.) so that you can't be totally crushed when your eggs aren't properly tended to it cared for.


Now what's funny about this is that I've played both ways. And both have points of fulfillment and emptiness.


Maybe I should first define the eggs though. At least my eggs are kinda labeled. There are my friendship eggs. My romantic eggs. My discussion eggs. My emotional eggs. My fun eggs. My erotic/fantasy eggs. My sexy eggs. My intellectual eggs. My homemaker eggs. My act right eggs. My submissive eggs. My opinionated eggs. My super sensitive and fragile eggs. My excitement eggs. My damsel in distress eggs. YEESH! That's a lot of eggs. But everyone has them in differing varieties. So it's clear that shelling them out (all pun intended) to anyone takes a lot out of me and therefore requires at least something of them.


I have to admit that it's been a long while since I put all of my eggs in one place. YEARS in fact. And that was the craziest most fulfilling yet draining relationship ever! WHY? He abused my eggs. Lol. I might've abused some of his too though. We rushed. We loved hard. We obsessed. We fought. We made up. And I probably wouldn't change anything about that. BUT ultimately...I probably would have killed him. Or left. Because I don't think I could've done it for much longer. As much as I loved him. As much as he loved me.


This is why I think I'll probably remain an old maid for life. I can't imagine building a life with someone who I can't trust to be faithful. I can't build a life with someone who doesn't take my feelings and concerns seriously. I can't build a life with someone who is content as a man with me doing all the work just because I can and will. I just can't do it. But mostly... I can't be with someone who won't love me and cherish me for and in spite of everyone of my eggs! And I can't be with someone who I can't trust with my eggs or that won't trust me with theirs.

And if that's my marker... And if life is showing me to never trust others because they will abuse that trust every time ... Where does that leave my future...?

Today's lesson: 10/11/12

You can never make people care about you or your feelings... Regardless of how much you may want them to. If you mattered, they'd behave accordingly. Because you don't, it shows through their actions. When someone SHOWS you who they are... Believe them. ✌

Dating Faux Pas I have Made...

So... I guess I should first place the title of this blog into focus... I have not dated a whole bunch in the sense of what I think actual dates consist of... I don't think I have ever REALLY actually dated a person until my latter years at all actually... To me... a date is a pre-planned event between myself and a guy where he actually makes plans with me in advance, usually picks me up and secures my transportation (somehow) to those plans... and then takes me back to my original location once those plans are over. There is also a romantic element to all of this in that I find interest in him, and he in me, worth exploring enough to make plans and attend them in unison in the first place. There have been several lists that I have come across devoted to discussing the do's and don't's of those interactions. But that's not entirely what I mean here as I usually find myself asking those questions of my friends myself... I do not have a wealth of experience in that area... I guess what the title should really discuss is the mistakes I have made in my entanglements with members of the opposite sex over the years... But that is a lot to say and sounds less catchy than the title I created so meh... Anyway... this is a list of things that I am interested in exploring within myself because I am not entirely sure why I do them. However, I am very capable of identifying them for what they are...

1. I think one of the biggest mistakes I always make with people in general is that I don't express my true and complete feelings about things until my exit interview... I think there are several reasons for this... But let me be more clear about what I mean... If a man does something that rubs me wrong, or upsets me... or that I find as grounds for cancellation... I usually just take note and keep it moving. And unless that person is attentive enough of my change in temperament to notice that a shift has occurred (many are usually to egotistic to do so)... they likely won't even know that change has happened. Then, even in cases where the person may notice the shift, and that it was in response to him... I have usually already made up my mind so it's not usually worth discussing. Regarding my mind being made up, though... my feeling is this: If you are able to do something that would throw me off to that extent... do I really want you around long term? Or even for any term? It may not be grounds for cancellation as I may genuinely enjoy you... or being around you... But I really have to CARE to bring up my thoughts or my feelings... and if you don't then why should I? Even if a guy tells me that he has true plans for me... If his behavior [in any way] shows me that we are just chillin or kickin it or talkin (or whatever you youngsters use to express lack of true commitment)... then that is the mindset from which I will approach all interactions. Regardless. I compartmentalize... and usually most people take themselves off of the relationship track with very subtle moves. BUT... I do think that I could be more expressive. Sometimes people are not aware of their behaviors or of what those behaviors are showing someone else. However, I also think that if I choose to bring something to your attention and you do not honor it or make the necessary changes... then I'm just not that important to you... and therefore should not take you or your words or your actions seriously.

2. I have, in the past, put the happiness of others far above that of my own. And though this is generally the way that relationships should work... That should be the philosophy in all relationships... But its not. I have definitely been guilty of giving more of myself than I should have. The way that I see it, in a relationship, you should have already taken your time to get to know the person. Therefore, you have had ups and downs with them. They have seen you through some pains and celebrated with you through some sorrows. Therefore, you have had a chance to assess them and yourself too before beginning to DECIDE (relationships are more than culmination of feelings... relationships should always be decisions) to be in a relationship. As such, once you decide to make that leap with a person, it is because you both have agreed to the terms and conditions of this union... Sounds a lot like marriage... I'm sure. But to me, why be in a relationship with someone you can't see yourself with long term? That's what dating/talking/chilling is for. Therefore, if two people have decided to be with one another in a relationship...it should be exclusive and it should be reciprocal. I'm not saying that life is supposed to stop and that a person's significant other should now be the only focal point for that person in life. However, I am saying that your significant other should now be a very natural priority in your life. You should each be in a position of being so concerned with the needs and happiness of one another that your own shouln't really be a concern because he/she is already taking care of those details. Is it a perfect system? NO! Not at all. But if this is the daily goal, then it becomes something that both parties continue to work at. In light of this, many of my errors have come from giving too much to people who would not do the same for me or did not do the same for me. Whether I did it because they promised to, or for some other reason (because some other void was being filled by doing so) or whatever, I'm not sure. Clearly, though, I did not follow my own philosophy in these situations. MISTAKE!

3. Another huge mistake I have made is making people feel way too comfortable way too fast. My best friend and I have joked and not joked about this being both a gift and curse that we have both been guilty of possessing. But I have this tendency to make other people feel at ease. I do it unknowingly sometimes, and sometimes I wake up and its too late to change things. In doing this, people tend to think that you feel more strongly for them than you do... or rather that they have you right where they want you... lol what they don't know is that my C game looks a lot like the A game of some other people. So in just being the very basic version of me, people may get something that they really want and in turn believe that I'm behaving that way for their benefit. lol If I could provide more details without implicating parties, I would. But I'm always so interested in the way that people respond in that situation. To me, though, the difference is in how attached/detached I am to the person or events. If I'm being super sweet and chill with you... but I don't react to something you've done... the real question is am I really not reacting or am I just not reacting to you? Me talking to my friends about it is likely me reacting... because I usually want to talk more about them and their lives... therefore only with certain people will I request actual advice of/on my own. What is also interesting is that because this is really just how I am... I notice almost everything and yet comment on almost nothing. The result is people really thinking that they are getting away with things when in reality I just don't care enough to bring it up. And then in cases where I do care enough for that... Sometimes I still say nothing by way of point #1.

4. This flaw is more a continuation of the first point as well. But it is also a point of its own. Because I usually let things go or build when they upset me, it seems like I'm either VERY patient with a person or not patient at all. The reality is that neither are true... or rather that the two come together for me. They meet in the middle. As such, when I'm finished with something I'm finished. I can be patient until I don't want to anymore. And though now I am trying to get myself to be more honest about my thoughts when I have them... usually I just walk away or disappear. I am not sure if that is a sign of growth or an indication of my feelings toward the person. But ultimately, it is how I am. Telling the person may either prolong the inevitable or completely change the situation all together. But regardless of the steps I take to cancellation... I will usually endure a situation until I cannot any longer. And what that usually looks like on the outside looking in is that I've called it quits over nothing. Again though, I strongly believe that the person I end up with will be very in-tuned to these subtle changes in my behavior. To me, there are always warning signs. This is also true to those who know me best. Most men, however never see it. And that is a shame.

5. I have accepted things at face value/ been too trusting/ given chances because I felt obligated to do so