my way of coping with reality is focusing on wat is to come... when im there wats now will be no more. yesterday

Past, Present, Future

“I’m so ready to love I’m so ready to promise my all… I’m so ready to give til the day that my life is no more… I’ll be everything that this woman can possibly be… I’m so ready to be like the olden days when commitment was Golden” –“Golden” Chrisette Michele

Powerful lyrics from one of the most thought provoking artists of our time (according to me). My how times have changed. It would take me forever and ever, and ever to fully dissect the lyrics to this song. However, I will take it little by little and bit by bit for the purpose of this blog… today anyway.

I was having a very meaningful conversation with my dad the other day, about how the mentality of the modern U.S. citizen has changed. The general concept of “hard work” has turned into who can get what done the fastest for the least amount of money. Quality has taken a backseat to quantity. And as a consequence, the end result of so many things doesn’t seem worth the effort it takes to walk into a store and make a purchase of it. The most real example I provided as evidentiary support was the food industry (I promise it will all make sense if you follow along ). There was a time when home cooked meals were the focal point of American food. This may seem taboo to many as it truly seems that time has come and gone. However, I assure you that I grew up in a home where McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, and Burger King were a luxury while whatever my mother decided to prepare that day was my only true option. This meal, whatever it was, was planned, prepped, seasoned, timed, and served like clockwork. This actually had a lot to do with the deep respect that I had for my mother. She worked every single day, 9 am until 5pm. Yet every night for dinner, both before and after she met my step-father, a home cooked meal awaited me at the dinner table. She became the reason that I realized it wasn’t impossible to do so, and also the reason that I plan on doing the same for my family in the hopeful event that I am actually fortunate to have one.

At any rate, this meal, especially in conjunction with her busy schedule as a working mother symbolizes several key points. The fact that she had a daughter to wake up in the morning, and assist with homework and life in the afternoons as well as a full time job suggested that she had to adequately prepare for these meals. This meant knowing what she was making, making sure that all of the necessary ingredients were present in the house, making sure her timing was appropriate and consistent with both the ingredients and the planned meal, the nutritional values associated with the meal, whether or not I or my Dad would like the meal; so many important factors which needed decisions prior to the actual cooking. And then, once all of that was taken care of, she still had to cook the meal, and in her single days prior to my coming of age she also had to clean up after it as well. All of these things combined symbolize work. The hours of work put into the preparation of a home cooked meal. And no work is worth its effort without a reward. Here, the reward is a simple one…. A happy, healthy, appreciative family. Simple right?

However, I noticed once I went to college that things have completely changed in my home. My mother and father both work full time jobs and I now have two younger sisters. However, my mother cooks far less now, and my family usually eats out several times a week. My family has jumped onto the same band wagon as so many other Americans. The fast food/restaurant industry has taken the front seat of this vehicle and has a very relentless grip on the steering wheel. Obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and a host of other ailments are skyrocketing. Families don’t eat dinner together any longer. Children are lazier as a result of so much fast food that getting up off the couch and going outside to play is far less appetizing than staying in and watching television. Times have changed.

The trade off to cooking a lasting and satiating meal is going to a chain spot. There, a teeny-bopper or someone takes your order. Someone else cooks the food. All of your items are served in/on paper based products so cleanup will be a cinch. You speak your order, comprised of the choices laid in front of you on the shiny illuminated board, into a tiny microphone where said order taker inputs your selections into a computer which yields your totals. You drive up to the next window, hoping that your order was correct and that you won’t have to wait too long for your food. You pay the person at the window in exchange for your goods, something close to five dollars per person you ordered for, and you drive away “satisfied”. You just got a full meal in a total of five minutes with time to spare.
You take this “meal” home to your family. But let’s examine it for a second. Who cooked your food? Did they wash their hands first? Are they trained to cook? Are they sanitary? Was their work station sanitary? How many hands touched your food before it got to you? Can you in good conscience approve the creation and maintenance of this food in order to serve it to your family members? Is your order correct? Did the packager place everything you needed in the bags you were given? Is the food fresh?

And the ingredients are a completely different story altogether. I mean sure the food tastes alright, even superb in some instances. However, the actual ingredients that get it to that point are a complete mystery. You have no clue which ingredients lead to which outcomes. Is the meat high quality or high processed? Are there preservatives? What is the average shelf life of these items and have their expiration dates been honored? Is this food high quality in general, or even high quality for what you paid for it? What is the overall, if any, nutritional value of this meal? Does the company inform you of it beforehand? And even if they do, do you pay attention to it do you even care, considering that you got this food based more on convenience than on nutritional significance?

Now interestingly enough, most if not all of the questions posed above regarding both the food and the people preparing it can be answered when the meal is prepared at home. And the trade off should be one that is very easy to grasp. When you prepare and cook your own meal, we have already identified the process as work which in the end yields something of worth. However, when you take the alternate route you are not only compromising the work involved but you compromise the worth as well. The two go hand in hand. Simply, when you remove the work you remove the worth as well.

If you will, realize how many other realms this mentality spills over into. The opening
statement to this blog discusses going back to a time where relationships/commitments were golden. Clearly food is not the only thing that has changed as result of this concept. People, human beings, mates no longer regard one another the same way; and it is beginning to show. Divorce rates are at an all time high. The institution of marriage is constantly being challenged. Times have truly changed, and are continuing to do so. Arguably, the same exact reasoning applies to this dwindling conundrum as well. The answer to why is now made clear by the parallel that was just drawn. When you remove the work, you remove the worth.
This generation is driven by the concept that time is money. And though money is not necessarily equivalent to monetary value across the board, it is a word that is interchangeable with currency. We operate in a fashion that allows us to fit as much into a time slot as humanly possible. We text while we drive to make up for lost conversation time (currency). We have our emails and instant messages sent to our phone to cut down on the time we sit in front of an actual computer (currency). We all use cellular phones now because even cordless phones restricted us to the house (currency). We have almost stopped talking to one another altogether because twitter, facebook, email, and text messaging now allow us to converse with one another while doing a million other things at the same exact time (currency). The old fashioned way of doing all of these things mentioned, as well as so many other things, cause us to not only give up time, but consequentially give up more work as well. And though the trade off used to be human interaction, quality conversation, lasting connections; we are now programmed to believe that the sloppy aftermaths left by the instant “gratifications” of less work are a worthy trade off. But is this the truth, or is it simply what we are choosing to believe?

In a sense, the old way of cultivating the bonds of a relationship can be easily compared to the process of preparing that home cooked meal. It takes time, patience, planning, commitment, preparation, and a host of other things. You meet a person. Naturally the initial attraction (regardless of what it may be) draws you in to them. You speak, you all hit it off. You exchange information. Next thing you know, you all are talking often and you find that you and this person may have something in common so you decide to test this theory by setting up some time to spend with the person. The more time you spend, the more intrigued you become. Eventually, the relationship escalates to a deeper level, and you start to question whether or not this has the possibility of lasting. All the while, though, this project is still in the courting stage. You are still getting to know one another before making any hasty decisions. You’re learning the person’s likes and dislikes. You’re paying attention to the way this person communicates him/herself to you and whether or not you can effectively grasp their point of view when necessary. You’re noticing whether or not the two of you are capable of moving past conflict in an orderly manner. You discuss morals and future goals, areas of interest.

Once you realize that you could actually see forward progress with this person, you may have “the talk.” However, sometimes, you may also just gradually transition into exclusivity. Either way… the decision to begin a relationship is reached after careful consideration and thought. It is an intentional act that both parties have decided upon as a viable solution. This is not to say that it is not passionate or exciting. However it is also sensible and healthy. The key factors have been assessed: communication, compatibility, interests, goals, attraction, needs, etc. Therefore, the bonds formed here are built on something substantial. You think of one another before you act. You consult one another before life altering decisions are made. You are considerate of one another. You worry about one another’s well being. You laugh together, you grieve together. And every day spent together is a decision, an active and conscious choice to do so. You share in one another’s lives and appreciate one another because you realize that you are each making the same choices and sacrifices for the same common/ shared goal. Are things always perfect? No. Does every recipe always come out correctly, every time? Of course not. Like anything worth having, it takes work. It takes practice and patience. It takes checking your own ego at the door. It takes trust, and honesty both of which can be extremely hard sometimes. It takes removing the I’s and replacing them with we’s. It takes placing your needs/wants to the side to aide those of someone else’s with faith that, that person is doing the same for you. It takes work. But at the end of work, you find worth. You get out of it what you put in. And hopefully, through this work you find yourself building an unbreakable bond. A bond that grows tighter and stronger daily. Hopefully, you will find yourself with a partner in life that you may not always agree with, but that you will respect and appreciate. And one that will always respect and appreciate you back. Hopefully you will wake up daily to someone who shares your interests and understands your goals. Someone who loves you so much that your dreams become their dreams and what makes you happy drives their interests. Hopefully, on the other side of the work, you will have someone worth loving and sharing your days and your nights with. Someone worthy of your heart and all that it has to give. And though this is not without risk, your chances of success increase exponentially based on what you put into the process.

But my how things have changed. Today, time is money. And the fast way to everything is preferred. A modern day scenario plays out similarly to this… Guy sees girl and approaches her. Girl looks past guy to see what type of car he drives. She approves of his car so decides he can have her cell number. He pulls out his cell to take her number and she is even more impressed by his fancy phone and decides he’s worth her time because he probably has money. She’s not the only culprit here though. He only approached her because of her exterior and made no real attempt to see if she was capable of decent conversation before requesting her number.

He shoots her a text message the next day and asks if she wants to “get up.” She obliges and visits his home to watch a movie or two. One thing leads to another and they have sex. Within a week, they are “boyfriend and girlfriend” and within a month they move in together. Though to some this may seem like an exaggeration (and to a certain extent it is an amplified scenario)… to others it is realistic. Later on down the line, within the next couple of months he finds out that the young lady with the bangin’ body and lack of conversation skills is a tad bit psycho, is extremely clingy and needy, and is very money hungry. Meanwhile she finds out that the car he was driving was a rental, the phone he had was prepaid and his credit sucks, he has no true aspirations, and does not even have a stable job. These two are in no way compatible, but uh oh… she’s pregnant. They decide to part ways though she is still planning to have the child. So now, not only are they at each other’s throats… but they will probably continue to be this way for the next 18+ years.
Again, this exaggeration only serves one true purpose. It shows that when you remove the work, you remove the worth. These two did not know one another at all before deciding to intertwine their lives. They had preconceived notions of one another which were completely based on shallow assertions. There was no real communication, no real due process. They did not court one another, they texted their way into bed. And months later when they realized that things weren’t what they thought, they were ready to move on but could not. Their choices bound them together for years and years to come.

People don’t take the time to get to know one another any more. We don’t have deep
meaningful conversations. We don’t ask one another questions. We are only interested in what is happening in the moment in question, everything else can be dealt with later (or not). We are removing the worth from relationships without even realizing it. And it is becoming more and more acceptable with each passing hour. We are passing it on to our children who will surely pass it on to theirs and the cycle will continue to perpetuate until who knows when.

In contrasting these two scenarios, it is easy to see where things differ and what should have changed to create a more ideal situation. A wise man once told me that everyone is selling themselves for something. However, when your currency is time, and your coin is effort…. What you are purchasing is something completely different altogether. This is so true. When a person’s standards (male or female) require time, and effort, and communication… something worth retaining is being built.

None of this is to say that no one cares enough to put in effort anymore. Quality definitely still exists. Supermarkets, grocers, fresh farms, organic restaurants are still around. Human beings who still value a good conversation, strong morale, lasting relationships and the like still exist. But know that you will always get what you pay for. That is one of the true constants in life, and is something definitely worth noting. But with that being said, know that if you decide to forfeit the work, you are forfeiting the worth as well. If you meet a member of the opposite sex and rush into a relationship with him/her without knowing even the bare essentials, you can’t be surprised if that relationship doesn’t sustain itself off of passion alone. Things change, appearances fade; and if this is the basis for your relationship, then it too will dwindle. If you feed your children a different happy meal every single night for three years, whose fault is it that your child has allergies, physical ailments, and weighs 4 times what he or she should? Make choices, and take responsibility for them. Just know that you will always reap what you sew.

"Insecurities"

“For good and evil, man is a free creative spirit. This produces the very queer world we live in, a world in continuous creation and therefore continuous change and insecurity.” –Joyce Cary

This quote addresses insecurity in a way that transcends judgment and bigotry yet speaks to the heart of its true meaning. No matter who you are, or which walk of life you hale from, insecurity is a characteristic that dwells within each of us. None of us exempt from its rearing and certainly none of us with a true remedy for it either. However, as you will continue to see if you continue to explore my mind, balance is the most important factor in any situation. Again, every human being living and behaving faces insecurity, no matter how great or how small. The difference amongst them lies within their dealings with that insecurity.

The separating line between these two groups lies with those capable of acknowledging the insecurities and dealing with them, versus those who are incapable. In most cases, one will find that the person who is capable of acknowledging insecurity for what it is finds him or herself unbound by its power. This person is often capable of prioritizing the insecurity and finding a way to integrate it and move on from it as opposed to dwelling on the threat that it has the potential of posing. This is often the person who realizes that there may be a person more qualified for the position he or she has applied for. In that same light, this person is capable of drafting all the reasons why he or she is qualified for that position. This list is sure to include the very reasons he/she applied for the position to begin with. In doing so, said person is not ignoring nor overindulging in the presence of the insecurity. Rather, this person is realistically weighing the practical options that both sides of the coin offer. As such, the insecurity becomes an integral component of the gamble that is packaged with every decision or choice made in life. A decision is made, the pros and cons of that choice are presented and balanced against one another, and forward advancement ensues. C’est la vie.

On the opposing side of that same line, however, are persons who allow themselves to be ruled by said insecurities. In many cases, though, the person in question does not actually realize the bondage he or she is in. This person may live life focusing on insecurity or he or she may live life ignoring its existence altogether. Each option is equally as dangerous as the other. Where the dweller may wallow in self pity and regret wishing he or she were prettier, taller, more intelligent, more humorous, etc., he/she is also allowing the have nots to overtake life. However the person unwilling to acknowledge the insecurities, which have been previously noted as inevitable, is going against nature. He or she runs the risk of building a false sense of overconfidence which is ultimately an unrealistic fallacy. Doing so can be a set up for extreme failure or let down. As many say, “the higher you climb, the harder you fall.” As such, climbing up a ladder of false hope and impractical expectations may be a fast track toward oblivion. Overcompensating for what does not exist is ultimately a deterrent that sets one back farther than their starting point and should be avoided. In no way should a person dwell in what they lack or consistently give in to negativity. However, remember, balance is key. Plainly put, overconfidence in many cases can be just as bad as having no confidence at all.

Clearly there is a method to this rambling and a case study whose contents have inspired this current realm of thought. A friend of mine has recently found himself haunted by the presence of someone else’s unresolved insecurities. His girlfriend of a few years (let’s call her Crimson for all intensive purposes) allowed her personal insecurities to be the cause of their split and ultimately the end of their dealings with one another. Like many strong, independent Black women today, she seemed to ignore the possibility of insecurity and pass it off as though it were something else. She is a very intelligent young woman with very few social skills. Though she has a circle of friends which she holds very near and dear, her ability to relate to and grasp the position of others is less than adequate. She trusts no one and only believes things that she has worked into her schema of potentiality (which is not very vast to begin with). As opposed to being the type of person who assumes that she is incapable before she starts, Crimson has full confidence in herself as well as her abilities. Granted, this is certainly something for which Crimson should be applauded as confidence is a necessary precursor to success. However, masking any weaknesses with confidence only works for so long. Furthermore, failure to recognize and deal with said weakness is like packing a small volcano with combustible lava and lighting a match. The natural cycle that all things follow will run its course and the weakness will fight to either be exposed or strengthened. Ignoring it does neither and therefore is doing more harm than good. The lack of trust, the avoidance of flaws (which are a definite part of the human condition), and escaping any and all blame are clear indications of insecurity. Yet when approached about any or all, blame is almost always shifted elsewhere as opposed to ownership which would be the only way to truly break free of the stronghold set forth by insecurity.

In this situation, Crimson allowed the thoughts of others infiltrate her own and ignite the flame of the ever-waiting lava. The words of another person fueled the very insecurities that she denies to begin with causing a complete eruption of feelings, and biases, and fallacies all of which could have been rectified by way of simple communication between herself and her partner. Instead, Crimson alienated herself and lashed out when listening and deciphering could have been better options. She did neither and though lack of communication was also a key player in this maze, insecurity and not having it in check was eventually Crimson’s demise.

The lesson to be learned here is simple. Flaws spawn insecurity. However, flaws are innate to all human beings; we all wish we were better at something than we currently are. Understanding that as a staple of life, a lesson that everyone everywhere learns is so necessary. No one is the best at everything, however, no one is the worst at anything either. Find your middle ground and understand what strengths exist within you. Know who you are and know who you are not. Love yourself unconditionally and find a way to embrace and strengthen your faults. However, do not run away from them, and do not pretend that they do not exist on some level. Because we all struggle with something, know that no one prefers to be the only imperfection around. If you ignore your flaws, you run the risk of isolating yourself from others for that reason (the lack in the link which bonds us all as human beings). But even more than that, there is no room for denial in loving, trusting relationships of any sort. Denials are omissions of the truth, which by definition are lies. As such, you would be essentially ruining yourself as well as any chance at genuine human connections. Do yourself a favor and understand the necessity of balance. Embrace your strengths and weaknesses alike, they are what make you unique. When you have insecurities, you are human. However, when you allow those insecurities to overcome you and overcome a situation, you are labeled as insecure and are not adequately dealing with said insecurity. When you are insecure, you box yourself in, you shut those around you (especially those who truly care) out, and you create a recipe for disaster. Though far easier said than done, dealing with the issue before it even has a chance to reach an overwhelming state of supremacy is the best alternative, hands down. No logical person expects anyone to hold everything together all of the time. Give yourself a break and breathe a bit more easily. It will work out in your favor in the end.