"Insecurities"

“For good and evil, man is a free creative spirit. This produces the very queer world we live in, a world in continuous creation and therefore continuous change and insecurity.” –Joyce Cary

This quote addresses insecurity in a way that transcends judgment and bigotry yet speaks to the heart of its true meaning. No matter who you are, or which walk of life you hale from, insecurity is a characteristic that dwells within each of us. None of us exempt from its rearing and certainly none of us with a true remedy for it either. However, as you will continue to see if you continue to explore my mind, balance is the most important factor in any situation. Again, every human being living and behaving faces insecurity, no matter how great or how small. The difference amongst them lies within their dealings with that insecurity.

The separating line between these two groups lies with those capable of acknowledging the insecurities and dealing with them, versus those who are incapable. In most cases, one will find that the person who is capable of acknowledging insecurity for what it is finds him or herself unbound by its power. This person is often capable of prioritizing the insecurity and finding a way to integrate it and move on from it as opposed to dwelling on the threat that it has the potential of posing. This is often the person who realizes that there may be a person more qualified for the position he or she has applied for. In that same light, this person is capable of drafting all the reasons why he or she is qualified for that position. This list is sure to include the very reasons he/she applied for the position to begin with. In doing so, said person is not ignoring nor overindulging in the presence of the insecurity. Rather, this person is realistically weighing the practical options that both sides of the coin offer. As such, the insecurity becomes an integral component of the gamble that is packaged with every decision or choice made in life. A decision is made, the pros and cons of that choice are presented and balanced against one another, and forward advancement ensues. C’est la vie.

On the opposing side of that same line, however, are persons who allow themselves to be ruled by said insecurities. In many cases, though, the person in question does not actually realize the bondage he or she is in. This person may live life focusing on insecurity or he or she may live life ignoring its existence altogether. Each option is equally as dangerous as the other. Where the dweller may wallow in self pity and regret wishing he or she were prettier, taller, more intelligent, more humorous, etc., he/she is also allowing the have nots to overtake life. However the person unwilling to acknowledge the insecurities, which have been previously noted as inevitable, is going against nature. He or she runs the risk of building a false sense of overconfidence which is ultimately an unrealistic fallacy. Doing so can be a set up for extreme failure or let down. As many say, “the higher you climb, the harder you fall.” As such, climbing up a ladder of false hope and impractical expectations may be a fast track toward oblivion. Overcompensating for what does not exist is ultimately a deterrent that sets one back farther than their starting point and should be avoided. In no way should a person dwell in what they lack or consistently give in to negativity. However, remember, balance is key. Plainly put, overconfidence in many cases can be just as bad as having no confidence at all.

Clearly there is a method to this rambling and a case study whose contents have inspired this current realm of thought. A friend of mine has recently found himself haunted by the presence of someone else’s unresolved insecurities. His girlfriend of a few years (let’s call her Crimson for all intensive purposes) allowed her personal insecurities to be the cause of their split and ultimately the end of their dealings with one another. Like many strong, independent Black women today, she seemed to ignore the possibility of insecurity and pass it off as though it were something else. She is a very intelligent young woman with very few social skills. Though she has a circle of friends which she holds very near and dear, her ability to relate to and grasp the position of others is less than adequate. She trusts no one and only believes things that she has worked into her schema of potentiality (which is not very vast to begin with). As opposed to being the type of person who assumes that she is incapable before she starts, Crimson has full confidence in herself as well as her abilities. Granted, this is certainly something for which Crimson should be applauded as confidence is a necessary precursor to success. However, masking any weaknesses with confidence only works for so long. Furthermore, failure to recognize and deal with said weakness is like packing a small volcano with combustible lava and lighting a match. The natural cycle that all things follow will run its course and the weakness will fight to either be exposed or strengthened. Ignoring it does neither and therefore is doing more harm than good. The lack of trust, the avoidance of flaws (which are a definite part of the human condition), and escaping any and all blame are clear indications of insecurity. Yet when approached about any or all, blame is almost always shifted elsewhere as opposed to ownership which would be the only way to truly break free of the stronghold set forth by insecurity.

In this situation, Crimson allowed the thoughts of others infiltrate her own and ignite the flame of the ever-waiting lava. The words of another person fueled the very insecurities that she denies to begin with causing a complete eruption of feelings, and biases, and fallacies all of which could have been rectified by way of simple communication between herself and her partner. Instead, Crimson alienated herself and lashed out when listening and deciphering could have been better options. She did neither and though lack of communication was also a key player in this maze, insecurity and not having it in check was eventually Crimson’s demise.

The lesson to be learned here is simple. Flaws spawn insecurity. However, flaws are innate to all human beings; we all wish we were better at something than we currently are. Understanding that as a staple of life, a lesson that everyone everywhere learns is so necessary. No one is the best at everything, however, no one is the worst at anything either. Find your middle ground and understand what strengths exist within you. Know who you are and know who you are not. Love yourself unconditionally and find a way to embrace and strengthen your faults. However, do not run away from them, and do not pretend that they do not exist on some level. Because we all struggle with something, know that no one prefers to be the only imperfection around. If you ignore your flaws, you run the risk of isolating yourself from others for that reason (the lack in the link which bonds us all as human beings). But even more than that, there is no room for denial in loving, trusting relationships of any sort. Denials are omissions of the truth, which by definition are lies. As such, you would be essentially ruining yourself as well as any chance at genuine human connections. Do yourself a favor and understand the necessity of balance. Embrace your strengths and weaknesses alike, they are what make you unique. When you have insecurities, you are human. However, when you allow those insecurities to overcome you and overcome a situation, you are labeled as insecure and are not adequately dealing with said insecurity. When you are insecure, you box yourself in, you shut those around you (especially those who truly care) out, and you create a recipe for disaster. Though far easier said than done, dealing with the issue before it even has a chance to reach an overwhelming state of supremacy is the best alternative, hands down. No logical person expects anyone to hold everything together all of the time. Give yourself a break and breathe a bit more easily. It will work out in your favor in the end.