Past, Present, Future

“I’m so ready to love I’m so ready to promise my all… I’m so ready to give til the day that my life is no more… I’ll be everything that this woman can possibly be… I’m so ready to be like the olden days when commitment was Golden” –“Golden” Chrisette Michele

Powerful lyrics from one of the most thought provoking artists of our time (according to me). My how times have changed. It would take me forever and ever, and ever to fully dissect the lyrics to this song. However, I will take it little by little and bit by bit for the purpose of this blog… today anyway.

I was having a very meaningful conversation with my dad the other day, about how the mentality of the modern U.S. citizen has changed. The general concept of “hard work” has turned into who can get what done the fastest for the least amount of money. Quality has taken a backseat to quantity. And as a consequence, the end result of so many things doesn’t seem worth the effort it takes to walk into a store and make a purchase of it. The most real example I provided as evidentiary support was the food industry (I promise it will all make sense if you follow along ). There was a time when home cooked meals were the focal point of American food. This may seem taboo to many as it truly seems that time has come and gone. However, I assure you that I grew up in a home where McDonalds, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, and Burger King were a luxury while whatever my mother decided to prepare that day was my only true option. This meal, whatever it was, was planned, prepped, seasoned, timed, and served like clockwork. This actually had a lot to do with the deep respect that I had for my mother. She worked every single day, 9 am until 5pm. Yet every night for dinner, both before and after she met my step-father, a home cooked meal awaited me at the dinner table. She became the reason that I realized it wasn’t impossible to do so, and also the reason that I plan on doing the same for my family in the hopeful event that I am actually fortunate to have one.

At any rate, this meal, especially in conjunction with her busy schedule as a working mother symbolizes several key points. The fact that she had a daughter to wake up in the morning, and assist with homework and life in the afternoons as well as a full time job suggested that she had to adequately prepare for these meals. This meant knowing what she was making, making sure that all of the necessary ingredients were present in the house, making sure her timing was appropriate and consistent with both the ingredients and the planned meal, the nutritional values associated with the meal, whether or not I or my Dad would like the meal; so many important factors which needed decisions prior to the actual cooking. And then, once all of that was taken care of, she still had to cook the meal, and in her single days prior to my coming of age she also had to clean up after it as well. All of these things combined symbolize work. The hours of work put into the preparation of a home cooked meal. And no work is worth its effort without a reward. Here, the reward is a simple one…. A happy, healthy, appreciative family. Simple right?

However, I noticed once I went to college that things have completely changed in my home. My mother and father both work full time jobs and I now have two younger sisters. However, my mother cooks far less now, and my family usually eats out several times a week. My family has jumped onto the same band wagon as so many other Americans. The fast food/restaurant industry has taken the front seat of this vehicle and has a very relentless grip on the steering wheel. Obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and a host of other ailments are skyrocketing. Families don’t eat dinner together any longer. Children are lazier as a result of so much fast food that getting up off the couch and going outside to play is far less appetizing than staying in and watching television. Times have changed.

The trade off to cooking a lasting and satiating meal is going to a chain spot. There, a teeny-bopper or someone takes your order. Someone else cooks the food. All of your items are served in/on paper based products so cleanup will be a cinch. You speak your order, comprised of the choices laid in front of you on the shiny illuminated board, into a tiny microphone where said order taker inputs your selections into a computer which yields your totals. You drive up to the next window, hoping that your order was correct and that you won’t have to wait too long for your food. You pay the person at the window in exchange for your goods, something close to five dollars per person you ordered for, and you drive away “satisfied”. You just got a full meal in a total of five minutes with time to spare.
You take this “meal” home to your family. But let’s examine it for a second. Who cooked your food? Did they wash their hands first? Are they trained to cook? Are they sanitary? Was their work station sanitary? How many hands touched your food before it got to you? Can you in good conscience approve the creation and maintenance of this food in order to serve it to your family members? Is your order correct? Did the packager place everything you needed in the bags you were given? Is the food fresh?

And the ingredients are a completely different story altogether. I mean sure the food tastes alright, even superb in some instances. However, the actual ingredients that get it to that point are a complete mystery. You have no clue which ingredients lead to which outcomes. Is the meat high quality or high processed? Are there preservatives? What is the average shelf life of these items and have their expiration dates been honored? Is this food high quality in general, or even high quality for what you paid for it? What is the overall, if any, nutritional value of this meal? Does the company inform you of it beforehand? And even if they do, do you pay attention to it do you even care, considering that you got this food based more on convenience than on nutritional significance?

Now interestingly enough, most if not all of the questions posed above regarding both the food and the people preparing it can be answered when the meal is prepared at home. And the trade off should be one that is very easy to grasp. When you prepare and cook your own meal, we have already identified the process as work which in the end yields something of worth. However, when you take the alternate route you are not only compromising the work involved but you compromise the worth as well. The two go hand in hand. Simply, when you remove the work you remove the worth as well.

If you will, realize how many other realms this mentality spills over into. The opening
statement to this blog discusses going back to a time where relationships/commitments were golden. Clearly food is not the only thing that has changed as result of this concept. People, human beings, mates no longer regard one another the same way; and it is beginning to show. Divorce rates are at an all time high. The institution of marriage is constantly being challenged. Times have truly changed, and are continuing to do so. Arguably, the same exact reasoning applies to this dwindling conundrum as well. The answer to why is now made clear by the parallel that was just drawn. When you remove the work, you remove the worth.
This generation is driven by the concept that time is money. And though money is not necessarily equivalent to monetary value across the board, it is a word that is interchangeable with currency. We operate in a fashion that allows us to fit as much into a time slot as humanly possible. We text while we drive to make up for lost conversation time (currency). We have our emails and instant messages sent to our phone to cut down on the time we sit in front of an actual computer (currency). We all use cellular phones now because even cordless phones restricted us to the house (currency). We have almost stopped talking to one another altogether because twitter, facebook, email, and text messaging now allow us to converse with one another while doing a million other things at the same exact time (currency). The old fashioned way of doing all of these things mentioned, as well as so many other things, cause us to not only give up time, but consequentially give up more work as well. And though the trade off used to be human interaction, quality conversation, lasting connections; we are now programmed to believe that the sloppy aftermaths left by the instant “gratifications” of less work are a worthy trade off. But is this the truth, or is it simply what we are choosing to believe?

In a sense, the old way of cultivating the bonds of a relationship can be easily compared to the process of preparing that home cooked meal. It takes time, patience, planning, commitment, preparation, and a host of other things. You meet a person. Naturally the initial attraction (regardless of what it may be) draws you in to them. You speak, you all hit it off. You exchange information. Next thing you know, you all are talking often and you find that you and this person may have something in common so you decide to test this theory by setting up some time to spend with the person. The more time you spend, the more intrigued you become. Eventually, the relationship escalates to a deeper level, and you start to question whether or not this has the possibility of lasting. All the while, though, this project is still in the courting stage. You are still getting to know one another before making any hasty decisions. You’re learning the person’s likes and dislikes. You’re paying attention to the way this person communicates him/herself to you and whether or not you can effectively grasp their point of view when necessary. You’re noticing whether or not the two of you are capable of moving past conflict in an orderly manner. You discuss morals and future goals, areas of interest.

Once you realize that you could actually see forward progress with this person, you may have “the talk.” However, sometimes, you may also just gradually transition into exclusivity. Either way… the decision to begin a relationship is reached after careful consideration and thought. It is an intentional act that both parties have decided upon as a viable solution. This is not to say that it is not passionate or exciting. However it is also sensible and healthy. The key factors have been assessed: communication, compatibility, interests, goals, attraction, needs, etc. Therefore, the bonds formed here are built on something substantial. You think of one another before you act. You consult one another before life altering decisions are made. You are considerate of one another. You worry about one another’s well being. You laugh together, you grieve together. And every day spent together is a decision, an active and conscious choice to do so. You share in one another’s lives and appreciate one another because you realize that you are each making the same choices and sacrifices for the same common/ shared goal. Are things always perfect? No. Does every recipe always come out correctly, every time? Of course not. Like anything worth having, it takes work. It takes practice and patience. It takes checking your own ego at the door. It takes trust, and honesty both of which can be extremely hard sometimes. It takes removing the I’s and replacing them with we’s. It takes placing your needs/wants to the side to aide those of someone else’s with faith that, that person is doing the same for you. It takes work. But at the end of work, you find worth. You get out of it what you put in. And hopefully, through this work you find yourself building an unbreakable bond. A bond that grows tighter and stronger daily. Hopefully, you will find yourself with a partner in life that you may not always agree with, but that you will respect and appreciate. And one that will always respect and appreciate you back. Hopefully you will wake up daily to someone who shares your interests and understands your goals. Someone who loves you so much that your dreams become their dreams and what makes you happy drives their interests. Hopefully, on the other side of the work, you will have someone worth loving and sharing your days and your nights with. Someone worthy of your heart and all that it has to give. And though this is not without risk, your chances of success increase exponentially based on what you put into the process.

But my how things have changed. Today, time is money. And the fast way to everything is preferred. A modern day scenario plays out similarly to this… Guy sees girl and approaches her. Girl looks past guy to see what type of car he drives. She approves of his car so decides he can have her cell number. He pulls out his cell to take her number and she is even more impressed by his fancy phone and decides he’s worth her time because he probably has money. She’s not the only culprit here though. He only approached her because of her exterior and made no real attempt to see if she was capable of decent conversation before requesting her number.

He shoots her a text message the next day and asks if she wants to “get up.” She obliges and visits his home to watch a movie or two. One thing leads to another and they have sex. Within a week, they are “boyfriend and girlfriend” and within a month they move in together. Though to some this may seem like an exaggeration (and to a certain extent it is an amplified scenario)… to others it is realistic. Later on down the line, within the next couple of months he finds out that the young lady with the bangin’ body and lack of conversation skills is a tad bit psycho, is extremely clingy and needy, and is very money hungry. Meanwhile she finds out that the car he was driving was a rental, the phone he had was prepaid and his credit sucks, he has no true aspirations, and does not even have a stable job. These two are in no way compatible, but uh oh… she’s pregnant. They decide to part ways though she is still planning to have the child. So now, not only are they at each other’s throats… but they will probably continue to be this way for the next 18+ years.
Again, this exaggeration only serves one true purpose. It shows that when you remove the work, you remove the worth. These two did not know one another at all before deciding to intertwine their lives. They had preconceived notions of one another which were completely based on shallow assertions. There was no real communication, no real due process. They did not court one another, they texted their way into bed. And months later when they realized that things weren’t what they thought, they were ready to move on but could not. Their choices bound them together for years and years to come.

People don’t take the time to get to know one another any more. We don’t have deep
meaningful conversations. We don’t ask one another questions. We are only interested in what is happening in the moment in question, everything else can be dealt with later (or not). We are removing the worth from relationships without even realizing it. And it is becoming more and more acceptable with each passing hour. We are passing it on to our children who will surely pass it on to theirs and the cycle will continue to perpetuate until who knows when.

In contrasting these two scenarios, it is easy to see where things differ and what should have changed to create a more ideal situation. A wise man once told me that everyone is selling themselves for something. However, when your currency is time, and your coin is effort…. What you are purchasing is something completely different altogether. This is so true. When a person’s standards (male or female) require time, and effort, and communication… something worth retaining is being built.

None of this is to say that no one cares enough to put in effort anymore. Quality definitely still exists. Supermarkets, grocers, fresh farms, organic restaurants are still around. Human beings who still value a good conversation, strong morale, lasting relationships and the like still exist. But know that you will always get what you pay for. That is one of the true constants in life, and is something definitely worth noting. But with that being said, know that if you decide to forfeit the work, you are forfeiting the worth as well. If you meet a member of the opposite sex and rush into a relationship with him/her without knowing even the bare essentials, you can’t be surprised if that relationship doesn’t sustain itself off of passion alone. Things change, appearances fade; and if this is the basis for your relationship, then it too will dwindle. If you feed your children a different happy meal every single night for three years, whose fault is it that your child has allergies, physical ailments, and weighs 4 times what he or she should? Make choices, and take responsibility for them. Just know that you will always reap what you sew.