Just Give 'Em the Pickle

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Just Give 'Em thePickle

Relationships are hard work. The more I grow, and the more I experience, I realize that these should not be taken or entered into lightly. And yet, people do this daily. I realize that human interactions are never simple, and rightfully so as they engage the emotions,thought processes, patterns, behaviors, and experiences of two different people who have two different approaches to everything. There are bound to be misunderstandings, conflict is destined, and confusion is inherent. However,working toward a harmonious and healthy existence with someone else is both achoice and an honor because it is also my belief that the side effects of this endeavor are beneficial and far outweigh the detriment, if handled properly.

Lately, life has been full of contradictions. I like to think of it as a clash between the past, the present,and the future that will be the product of whichever wins. We are taught to value family and collectivism, yet told to seize the day and live each like it is our last. We are taught to take care of others, and consistently forgive them; yet we are also taught to take care of ourselves and consistently bewareof others who seek to destroy us or our happiness. Make plans for a future and invest, but know that life is too short to live like there is a tomorrow. Allof these mixed messages impact the way that we interact with one another, and ultimately the way that we behave in our relationships. We want to build relationships that last and that matter, but the moment conflict arises we conveniently remember that life is too short to be unhappy. We completely bypass the fact that the aforementioned phrase is likely referring to a perpetual state of unhappiness and discomfort, and not the way you felt when you found out that your significant other did not take out the trash this morning. We have become too concerned with making ourselves happy to invest inthe happiness of someone else and building to bring that shared happiness to fruition.

Through all of this contradiction,though, I have really been trying to find my way through the smoke. I went from thinking that God sends you that one person who is meant to change your life,to thinking that you just pick someone (arbitrary or not) to be with and you do whatever it takes to make it work with that person; come what may. Both of these, individually, have gotten me into trouble.  My current thoughts, though, have evolved abit from those, and morphed into some sort of combination thereof…. A hybrid ofthe two, if you will. I still fully believe that God places people in your life for such a time as this. That can be as long or as short as necessary. However,sometimes, he may intend for someone to be in our lives for the long haul, but earning that relationship then becomes our responsibility. My thoughts on this also align with my opinions on God’s permissive versus his intended will forour lives. There is a certain amount of room/flexibility that he will allow,but overall the things that he wants to happen will happen with or without our cooperation.

In lieu of these beliefs, there are also certain things that I tend to view as relationship basics. These are also a bit contradictory, but these contradictions are an integral part of the process. For instance, I think that relationships should be as effortless as they are intentional and oriented around work and effort. Certain parts of the relationship should be effortless. You should enjoy being around that person,genuinely. You should feel comfortable talking to that person. You should feel,overall, that the person has your best interest at heart. However, you should also work toward showing that person how you feel, understanding the aspects ofthat person that you don’t automatically identify with, making sure that your actions and your words align where this person is concerned. Also, you will both adore and loathe this person at times. There will be times when this person is all you think about; their happiness means your happiness, you have rude thoughts about anyone who would seek to bring them pain. Yet, because of how much this person matters to you, there will also be times when you just cannot stand the sight of them… Their voice makes you want to throw things,their name makes you angry even if you just see it written down somewhere… lol.There will be times that you just want to rip off their clothes, and other times that you just want to rip off their heads. Again, same principle as before. The point being that REAL relationships go through periods of transition. That is completely healthy and completely normal. And just because everyday isn’t daisies and sunshine does not mean that the ship has sailed and the relationship is no longer worth your time… These things requires work.

However, there are also things that should always exist in a relationship. You should cherish the person, the person should cherish you. You should communicate with the person, the person should communicate with you. You should honor the person, the person should honor you. You should take pride in the person, in their accomplishments, in their goals. You should want to help them achieve them, and support them in their endeavors. They should do the same for you. Reciprocity, and very intentional and deliberate steps should be taken to secure and insure one another’s happiness. But there are certainly times when we lose sight on how to do this.There are times that we find this difficulty, and the relationship suffers as aresult of this. And in the end, something that was completely avoidable or fixable, can end up ruining what would have been an otherwise fruitful and prosperous union.

So anyway, on to the title of this blog, and the overall point of this rant… There is this man that I know. And in our past life together, whenever we would have a disagreement about really anything, he would always put on his customer service persona and write me emails from his imaginary company as if he were a customer service agent. It used to both amuse and irritate me. He never did it over big issues, only small ones. But ultimately, he has a business mind (cardinal rule #1 in relationships: KNOW YOUR PARTNER!), and so it makes sense that this is how he chose to relate. Also, it was much more his incessant douchebag terminology in the emails that peeved me more so than the messages themselves. However, in retrospect, there is nothing wrong with applying a customer service approach to relationships. There is a consumer, and a retailer. There is a product/end result in mind. The retailer has  the responsibility of securing and insuring the consumer's happiness with the product. These are undisputed facts. But both members of the relationship are playing the role of the consumer and the retailer simultaneously, all of the time. And if both members of the relationship take on this perspective, even just a little bit…The effects could be drastically beneficial.

Now, “Just give them the pickle” is huge in the world of customer service. If you have a second, google the phrase.It is quite interesting to read the story, and get the old man’s take on how he sees customer service. However, for the purpose of discussion here, I’ll summarize. The old man owned a deli of some sort where people loved the sandwiches and loved the pickles. After much success and the ability to expand,more stores were opened and people were hired. Usually, when a person would ask for an extra pickle, it was no problem. But overtime, business savvy experts began to note that the pickles cost the store money, and therefore people should start paying for them if they wanted more than the amount allotted in their meals. Customers began to complain, and when the old man heard about this, his philosophy became ‘Just give them the pickle’… The idea being that we want their business. Yes, the pickles cost us money, but not to the extent that losing customers over them is justifiable. So in the end, let’s just  give them what we want instead of wasting valuable time arguing over something that could sever the relationship forever.

Now, first of all I know that some of you little dirty-minded freaks were hoping the title meant something else. But alas, just think about some of the arguments you have had with your significant other (past and present) and think about how tightly either of you may have held on to a point just because you did not want to lose ground in the argument. Now granted, there are  times when arguments need to happen, and there are times when this is healthy. There are also times where you’re arguing with someone you really don’t need to be with anyway, and the arguments are a symptom of that. That isn’t what this particular blog is speaking to. This is about when we let small things become big things, all because we are afraid to lose ground or want to save face. If both parties would just take a step back and speak the truth, which is I can really give you what I know you’re asking for… and really mean it… JUST THINK of how much more seamlessly things would flow. Just think of how much better things would be between them after that…

The reality is that ... when we love someone... we choose to accept them flaws and all, and to help them to be their best; and I think that requires some selflessness on our part that calls upon a blind faith in the fact that WHEN, not if, the tables are turned, they will do the same for us…

When you decide to make a life with someone, you also make a choice to accept them and to be there… And you also choose to persevere with them, come what may. Too many people take that lightly these days…  But if we start to just concede,just a little bit when we know that in the end, we would do anything for that person and they would do anything for us… It’s not a loss. It’s actually a victory.But it definitely takes a certain level of maturity to see that… and to embrace it for what it truly is… 

Until next time folks…

Mind... Control...

Good Morning Bloggerverse...
I just realized that it's been a WHILE since my last post... Also realized that I've really been looking forward to this vacation only to come to terms with the fact that it is giving me too much time to sit and think about all of the things that I have spent the last few months completely numbing myself to....

Another lesson learned: If you are not well-practiced in the art (And I really do believe that it is an art....) of delusion... The things that you are avoiding, running away from, ignoring, or just generally not dealing with by any other label.... WILL MOST DEFINITELY find their way into your subconscious, your actual conscious, your general conversations (brought up by other people).... lol These things will FIND YOU... Which only means that I should have subscribed to my usual theory of dealing with things head on to begin with... But sometimes when things are too painful to deal with... Pose too much of a threat to unravel you at the seams.... Putting it off... Practicing ninja-like numbing techniques... Avoiding people who can see right through you... All of these seem like more viable options.... And still do for me...

Anyway though... This morning... something that I have been battling with internally confronted me head on. I had a dream which literally woke me from what would have been an otherwise amazing slumber super early... My dreams have been extremely vivid lately... And even in my dreams, my buried thoughts have thrived and flourished monumentally... They have embraced my sleep as an ally and faithful forum to yell and scream at me to the top of their lungs... Tangent over. So I wake from this dream, and I can't really sit still because going back to sleep isn't really a possibility straight away.... So instead I get up and move around... Engage in an unintentional conversation... Then go roaming around to check on my sister who would have usually come to find me by now... While sitting with her... Joyce Myers (Meyers?) comes on the television.

At this point, all I know about Joyce is what I have seen retweeted from her around the twitterverse on occasion. I have never actually heard her speak or been especially moved by anything that she has ever really had to say. But today, she began spouting off about a topic that I have been trying to wrap my mind around for quite some time now. Joyce was discussing the amazing power that our thoughts have over our lives... And the impact that that power can have, both positive and negative... And our ability create circumstances, perspectives, and overall ways of being based on our thoughts. Plainly put, if you walk into a situation saying "I can't take one more set back", or "I cannot bear to deal with this or that", or "This will be the end or me, it will ruin me"... You have already created a defeated climate through which prospering in spite of has already been ruled out as an option. As a result, though being hurt, or depressed, or upset about things can be a very natural part of life.... We then choose to either allow those states of being to flourish, or to cast them out and deny their continued existence.

This will likely be a short string of thoughts because I am not sure I am ready to weigh in on this. It is too close for comfort and as much as I would like to maintain belief in the power of thoughts and the power of words... I also see so many contradictions of that around me. Either we are saying one thing to ourselves with no true conviction behind our thoughts/words... OR... this theory is completely bogus and our thoughts are just our thoughts and have no real impact on our behaviors or the outcomes of our situations.... I just found it very interesting that this message found me while I was ignoring and avoiding it.... I truly believe that your thoughts can set the tone for your approach to a situation and can send messages to others that you may not even be aware of. Both of these, can in turn, impact the way the other person perceives the situation and perceives you. Your thoughts can also give you the will to press through and/or give up on something... But I also think that some pain, some situations, some things.... Just are. And I don't KNOW if I believe that thoughts have the power to influence those circumstances as well. I guess it's possible... Anything is possible... I also suppose that this is where faith comes in... I'm sure it's there somewhere.... Isn't it always?
**le sigh** I dunno...

I'm sure I'll blog more over the next two weeks... I have nothing but space, time, and opportunity.

I hope that all of you are well and that life is teaching and treating you to many beautiful lessons. =)

Until next time, Loves!

On Expiration Dates...

Okay... So it's been a minute. Life has been throwing me for a few loops and school has played an active role in that process as well. But a new recurring theme keeps popping up around me so I figured I'd sort it out by writing about it... Or try to.

Have you ever met someone and known immediately that there was an expiration date on your interaction with this person??? This can manifest itself in a variety of ways and I'm sure we have each encountered this at some point. It's, in some ways, the polar opposite of the way you feel when you meet someone who you sort of know is supposed to be in your life or that you know you were meant to meet. In those situations, I've been known to try to ignore it (if it involves romantic sentiment) or be skeptical of it and play it cool in general. But sometimes when we meet a person who is clearly seasonal... Or at least when I do/have, I do the opposite. I will try to examine it for depth or make sure that I'm not creating the expiration date out of nowhere.

Now more on the expiration date itself... These are people that we KNOW we have nothing in common with... Or know that there is a literal expiration date like a day they are leaving the country or moving to a new area or something.... They may be coming at a time when our serious sites are clearly set on someone else but this person just appears in the interim.... You know immediately that the person means you no good but they are currently appealing to you... There are a variety of reasons that the real or perceived expiration date may exist. My question is... Once you have acknowledged the expiration date, what do you do with it???This is where my confusion lies...

When discussing this concept with one of my close friends, it became clear that this decision should likely be based on the following things:

1.) The shared view of the situation [yours and the other person's]
2.) Your level of honesty [with yourself and the other person]
3.) And the reasoning behind the expiration date.

First of all, the shared view of things is very important. If you are both viewing this as something fun and interesting with no true intentions of taking things anywhere serious, then this may not present a problem for anyone. However, if you see a clear expiration date and it seems that the other person is attempting to build a foundation, a conversation may be in order...

Level of honesty is also important and ties into the third consideration of your scope of reasoning.... Are you creating an expiration date for this person because you don't want to believe that the possibility exists? Do you know immediately that you are not willing to put the work in, and therefore see no reason to string this person along? And how honest are you being with the other person about your expectation? How honest is the other person being with you? Is the other person only saying things are casual to appease you, when in reality they want more? And are you afraid of the 'more' and therefore creating this expiration date? OR.... Does the expiration date really exist? Which brings us to the why... You should also be honest with yourself above all else regarding the reason you you applied the expiration date to begin with... Did you apply it, or is it the result of divine intervention...?

If you meet a person and find them to be completely cool as a person, yet know that who they are as a person completely clashes with who you are [morally, physically, ideologically, religiously, clashes in personality... etc.], I would say those are fair grounds for an expiration date... If you realize the person is moving to a completely different continent for an extended period of time, and therefore neither of you wants to get too attached... I think that is solid reasoning for an expiration date, or at least a rain-check.

However, if you are holding out for one person and therefore keeping everyone else at bay... That requires a completely different internal dialogue. And again, this requires extreme honesty with one's self. On the one hand, if you and this other person are on the cusp of being more serious but have not yet crossed the line... You should ask yourself what implications this new situation could have for that situation and who would be impacted by the consequences as well as how... If you are serious about this other person and are unsure about how they feel about you... That should probably be a conversation that you have before entertaining other possibilities.... If you are serious about this other person but are trying to tell yourself you aren't... and are therefore 'keeping your options open' all the while knowing where you are likely to end up...... Again... be more honest with yourself... and stop dragging other people unnecessarily into your mess... BUT.... If you are holding on to this person knowing that they either mean you no good... or have no real intention of making things official in any capacity with you... How valid is the expiration date you have placed on this new person?

And really, expiration dates can come as a result of any combination of these reasons as well as several others. But the strongest is the reasoning you should go with. Basically, do not waste your own time if you are playing yourself... but also don't waste someone else's time because you are playing yourself. lol

The conversation with my close friend was interesting as the overall perspective there was that we are getting too old to just engage in meaningless entanglements with people. He felt that we should be at the point where our romantic involvements should be purposed with finding something that will last. If you realize that is not the case or the potential to do that with a person is not there [i.e.- expiration date]... Then you should leave that person alone... Plain and simple... Even if you think that person is super cool or you two get along really well and have great conversation... If you know that the possibility for more than friendship exists, yet it would be on a road leading nowhere...It's better to not even start. Furthermore... If you're holding out for someone or something... You need to figure that out so that you can either use the pot or get off of it... [lol his wording not mine]... Because life is too short and time is too precious to be wasting it having a fight over egos and involving others in the process unecessarily.

I am not 1000% positive that I agree with this plan of action. But I definitely understand it....Just not sure it works for everyone in every situation...  I guess it's just difficult sometimes when walking the balance between enjoying life, and living it with a heightened sense of purpose. This is also the conundrum of being young enough to make mistakes, yet old enough to know better....

Until next time folks...

On Forgiving, Forgetting, and Rebuilding…

By now, I feel like most of the people who read my blogs kinda know my life a little bit. Some of you know that various situations in my life have led me directly to this topic… Whether they involve my own situations or those of others, these themes of trust, forgiveness, rebuilding, letting go, making things work, and anything related have been dancing in and out of my mind for the last several months.  I am continuing to learn that there is no road map that teaches us to deal with these issues. Some of these queries have led to letting entire relationships go while others have led to on-going battles with preserving and understanding deeper... However, because of the way life goes, the chances of us ALL ending up on one side of the forgiveness coin   or another (the forgiver vs the transgressor) is 100%!

Self-preservation and protection can lead us to do and say things that may hurt those that truly care for and want the best for us. And as a result, we will all find ourselves either apologizing or being apologized to if we decide to continue to engage one another in relationships. And this process is true for all relationships regardless of duration or nature. I have also learned that how deep the wound goes, how much forgiving becomes necessary, how long the process all relate to how deeply we care for the person. The lengths to which we are willing to go as well as the distance we place between ourselves and the person (or at least the reasoning for said distance) will often have more to do with how deeply we care than with the act itself.

Please do not misunderstand, there are certain acts that will always cause us to stay away or choose to remain closed off. However, those will be noted completely separately for the purposes of this particular thought process. In cases where malice is not involved, the true gauge of one’s feelings is interpreted by how they behave when hurt… or by the lengths to which they are willing to go when they have hurt someone else.

Ultimately, though, these types of happenings are completely unavoidable when dealing with other human beings and when feelings are involved. Regardless a decision on forgiving, or not, must be made. A decision on whether or not to rebuild must be made. And these decisions must be unanimous if there is any possibility of a prosperous relationship past these points. With this must also come certain negotiations, compromises, and understandings from both parties involved.

I blogged almost two years ago on forgiveness itself… But in some ways, my views have changed. You can definitely read or re-read that blog for specifics (http://atmsmind.blogspot.com/2011/01/on-forgiveness.html) … However, I only find it necessary to summarize the three major points I made about forgiveness there. The first is that forgiveness is never for the other person; it is always for the individual doing the forgiving.  Oftentimes, it seems that people feel like they are doing the other person a favor by forgiving, and therefore decide against it. But TRUST ME… The burden of not forgiving usually weighs heavier on the person who needs to forgive. Sometimes the other person doesn’t even realize they have done anything that requires forgiving, while we are walking around mad at the world thinking we are “punishing” them for what they have done. That was the second point that I made. In addition to this, though, we also run the risk of spilling those unresolved feelings or emotions onto someone else if we do not adequately deal with them (forgive the other person).  The final point was that to forgive does not automatically mean to forget. The choice to do either, however, is always ours. ALWAYS.

Now, on to present-day. There are a couple of reasons I can think of, based on my experiences and those of others, that a person would choose to forgive someone: 1.) trying to be the bigger person 2.) wanting to forgive others as God forgives us 3.) tired of walking around harboring feelings of mistrust, regret, and pain 4.) The realization that life without the person who hurt us might be much more painful than the transgression itself OR the person ultimately means more to us than this one mistake (or series of mistakes) and therefore we want to get past this place of pain to the other side where happiness hopefully resides. I will not go in depth regarding the specifics of these choices as that could be another blog of an in itself. Your choices are your choices, and your reasoning requires no justification to anyone. You feel the way that you feel just as I feel the way that I feel. Additionally, any of these reasonings are interchangeable and any can contribute to our reasons for forgiving someone. However the final reason is a major segway into the ultimate point of this blog.

Some transgressions are so great, or so blatant, or so intentional (malice intended), that they will cause us to want to distance ourselves from the person regardless of any other factors. In these situations, it is still best to forgive the person... Harbor no ill will toward them, wish them well. Yet we may choose to no longer deal with them from that point forward. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO FEEL THIS WAY... And these situations hold prime candidacy for forgiving, but not forgetting. But sometimes, we choose to forgive a person because we want to get back to the place in our relationship with them where the transgression never existed. The problem is, sometimes when we say we are forgiving and BELIEVE that we are forgiving, we have not truly forgiven. We believe the person when they say they are sorry, we say that we want to get back to life as usual, we say that it is okay to hang out again or talk the way that we used to, or whatever normal looks like. But for the lot of us... Residuals from those feelings continue to find a way into our thoughts and emotions. We sometimes will distance ourselves or maintain a certain level of hostility toward the person because our emotions toward them are still in limbo. We want to forgive the person, and we truly believe that we can and will.

In order to get to this point with a person, we have to forgive and try to forget. As difficult as this is and will always be, it really is the most important step to truly forgiving a person for the sake of preserving the relationship. For the sake of rebuilding. Of course, in reality, truly forgetting an event is almost impossible, especially if this event held any level of importance to you... But you have to try and get to the point where that memory is the furthest thing from you mind in relation to that person. You must try to bury it in a place where you cannot easily access it, or else it will be your go-to for every disagreement, every new issue, every instance of discord. In getting to this point, you should definitely be honest with the other person about where you are in the process as well as with yourself. But working toward this place is something that you have to do just as sure as the person should be working with you to redeem him/herself from what caused these feelings to begin with.

It is also important to be as cognizant as possible of the way your feelings are impacting your behavior and ultimately the other person. This may seem very stupid to say or even think... I mean afterall, they were the ones who hurt us... Why should I be considering his/her feelings at this point? In reality, though, there is likely tons of blame to go around and if you are really interested in getting past WHATEVER it is that is holding you back, you have to know that what you do will influence the way they feel or behave. If your actions are showing that you are currently not interested in rebuilding, or moving on, or whatever... Then they may act accordingly or be looking to you for cues on how to behave. Now you can choose to oblige them, or not... Totally up to you. However, know that you will never have a clear picture of what could be without at least being aware of yourself first and communicating where you are with things. Even if this means that you need some distance for a while before you can behave like a normal human being around this person (or at least whatever normal looks like for the two of you), that is totally fair as long as you are being clear about where you are. Sometimes though, we expect for a person to do or say certain things and hold it against them when they do not; not even realizing that maybe our behavior is what is signaling to them behave one way or another. Granted this person has hurt you, and their feelings may be the last thing you want to consider right now... But hopefully you are rebuilding because you truly believe that they did not intend to hurt you. If this is the case, you must also know that they likely care just as much about you as you do about them. And at some point, you are going to want to let them back in. What you don’t want is for your behavior during this delicate process to result in a repetition of this cycle where you are now the transgressor.

This is becoming longer than I intended for it to be so I feel the need to wrap it up a little. But I do not want to do that without mentioning a potential plan of action for both the transgressor and the forgiver. In most situations, these roles are completely interchangeable. Especially if as a unit, the two have decided to forgive, forget, and rebuild. Usually, both parties have done something that they felt they were reacting to causing each to be the forgiver and the transgressor at the exact same time. It is important to understand each of these roles in an attempt to move things along and get past the current state of the relationship.

As the transgressor, you must humble yourself in an attempt to receive a platform on which to express yourself to the forgiver. This is very important, as without it you may never be granted a chance. You have to understand that though there is likely blame to go around, you must practice what you preach by forgiving as well while accepting full responsibility for your role in the way that things have gone. You have to make a clear effort to truly understand where things went wrong and make it abundantly clear that it is your goal to rectify the behaviors that have led to this point. It is also very important for you to be honest with yourself about your role in the betrayal, even if you (too) felt betrayed in the process. We are all human, and therefore none of us are fault-free. However you have to do your best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and really understand where he/she is coming from. That is the only way this will have a chance at working, and if it is important to you, then that is the outcome you will desire.

As the forgiver, you have to PROVIDE a platform (space) for the transgressor to prove him/herself. You, too, must hold up your end of the bargain by forgiving and then forgetting fully in hopes of actually moving past the betrayal you feel/felt. You also have to decide if you felt like there was malice in the heart of the other person. If the answer is no, it does not magically become easier to forgive the person or erase the feelings you have felt thus far. However, it should at least open your heart and mind to the possibility of truly forgiving and trying to understand what led you both to your current predicament. It is also your responsibility to be as honest and upfront with yourself as well as the other person through this process. There was clearly a miscommunication of some sort somewhere and it is up to the two of you, collectively, to figure out what it was in order to prevent it from happening again. The only way though that is to communicate and increase the attempts to better understand one another if each of you truly cares.

I recognize that these seem like the easiest things in the world to sit down and write about, yet the most difficult things to actively participate in. Especially when your feelings and heart are on the line. However, ultimately you have to answer to yourself about whether or not you want that person in your life, whether or not the person deserves to be in your life, and how you truly feel about the person and everything that has traspired. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with them. All of these thoughts mean absolutely nothing without some good, old-fashioned communication and sharing.

On Vulnerability...

A few months ago, I found a posted quote by none other than Bob Marley which read, "The worst thing a man can do is open a woman up with no intention of loving her..."

The first time I read it, I recall being blown away by the simplicity and yet gravity of it. It is beyond true... And it is exactly how I feel about vulnerability...

Let it be noted that I am saying this: No relationship can work without vulnerability... The ability to be vulnerable with someone other than you... The ability to take a chance on letting someone in to see all of your faults, all of your flaws, all of your fears... and TRUSTING them not to abuse that information. For some of us, being vulnerable is much more difficult than it is for others [[GUILTY]]... However, it is very important to be able to be THAT trusting of the person you're with... It isn't being super emotional all the time, or over expressive, or whiny. But it is giving someone the power to impact your feelings and emotions... Caring enough, and showing that you care enough, to be fully invested... Allowing someone else close enough that they would be fully capable of destroying you or breaking you down... and yet TRUSTING them enough to believe that they will not... Being vulnerable is being open... Sharing freely... Giving of yourself.... And it is very easy to see how this, by definition, has earned the negative connotation that many of us recognize it for. However, intimacy [true intimacy/connectedness with someone else] is impossible without it...

The problem is... Sometimes people do take advantage. Sometimes people do allow or even lead someone to a point of true vulnerability only to strike and destroy all the trust built... And it is those people who cause and perpetuate the ripples of mistrust that we witness in life daily... And the backlash of those actions are those who believe you should never leave yourself THAT open... you should ALWAYS have a contingency plan... You should NEVER be completely vulnerable.... And that feels right for a while... You begin to put up walls and layers for protection... You begin to assess how open others are being and adjust your armor accordingly... And even if you weren't a person whose vulnerability was taken advantage of... The stories of what others have experienced are often enough to make you want to remain on guard....

The problem with this, though, is that you are also blocking the potential for something amazing in the process. Love should be deep, it should be intimate, it should be intrusive... How else would it cut to the core of you? How else would you feel it when you feel numb to everything else...? And granted, if love is strong enough, it should be able to break down those walls and meet you where you are... But the reality is that that's work... And sometimes... we forget that everyone has had experiences and that those experiences leave others equally as tarnished and jaded as ours have left us. So sometimes while we think a person should be willing to break down the walls if they are meant to love us... That very message could be triggering something from their pasts that say the same thing [or the polar opposite in some cases]... And then no one gets served.  In reality, there should be a balance of some sort. You should be able to trust someone, especially in a relationship. You should be able to believe that someone is capable of protecting you and allowing you to protect them. That is the only way that true vulnerability, and by right, true intimacy really works. If both parties are actively vulnerable with and for one another, each has the same amount to lose.... And yet each is concerned with protecting the other that they don't even notice their own vulnerability... They are safeguarding their counterpart's vulnerability as if it were their own...

However... As the quote notes... The worst thing a PERSON can do, is get someone to a point of vulnerability... openness.... with no intention of protecting them... With no intention of loving them the way they deserve to be loved... It is sinful and can truly ruin a person's trust in others indefinitely... Either don't open a person up if you have no intention of being there to catch their fall... Of protecting them... of loving them completely.... OR ... If you do open a person up... If you do work to get a person to the point where they trust you, respect you, appreciate you, consider you, protect you... RECIPROCATE... Catch them... trust them... love them... appreciate them... consider them... Respect them...

But of course to stop this... we would have to rid this world of a large amount of its selfishness... And that, my loves, will likely never happen.... So... the solution...?

I don't know honestly... But it has to start on an individual level...

Until next time...

On Communicating

I am realizing more and more as I pay attention to myself, and to others, that communicating is something that so many of us take for granted. And we do not do so because we do not realize its importance overall.... Instead, we often do it because we think we are communicating effectively. But in many cases, we are sadly mistaken.

I see, more and more, that we sometimes just expect the people we love and care about to KNOW certain things... To just KNOW. I cannot even begin to tell you all how many times I have both heard and said "Well s/he should have KNOWN how that would make me feel..." or "S/he would not like it if I did that to them so why do it to me?" And we often think that should negate the necessity of a conversation or actual communication on a topic all together. However, more and more I realize this is not true. I have also been guilty of the "Well if I have to tell you then it defeats the purpose anyway..." (lol) But the more I grow and get to understand others, I realize exactly how silly I have been over the years for genuinely feeling that way. 

Even more fascinating than the lack of communicating, though, is the reason for it. FEAR! Some view fear as a weakness, while others see it as a point of strength forcing you in one direction or another. But interestingly, most of the time, we do not realize that it is fear that is keeping us from doing or saying the things that we should in terms of communication and in terms of communicating within relationships. Often times, we fear rejection... or a lack of genuine concern on the part of the other person... or a lack in the capacity to change things the right way... or even a lack of faith in the importance we hold in the life of the person we are communicating with. This is really what we are saying when we make up excuses (that we sometimes do not even recognize as excuses) for not communicating. 

But at some point, this has to stop. Communication is key to every relationship, and can either be responsible for its success or its demise. Furthermore, if we are not willing to share our feelings with a person we care about... We are then forced to ask what withholding that information says about the way we feel about him or her overall. With this message of communicating, though, comes a certain responsibility for the listener as well. Communication is defined as the sending and reception of a message. There  must always be a sender and a receiver in order for it to work successfully. As a result, in a relationship, we MUST be willing to play both roles. We cannot expect to do all of the sending. We have to be receptive to responses and concerns from our partners as well. But we also have to do a better job at communicating effectively and not only attempt to be understood, but also have an equally as important investment in the ability to understand! This seems so simple and common sensical, and yet daily relationships fall apart because these very simple rules are being violated. 

You can never, ever just expect for someone else to understand how you feel or what you need or what you want. Closed mouths do not get fed. And to be honest, in many cases, them not knowing may not really be their fault... We all have different perspectives... Even those of us that seem to be most similar or most understanding. Me doing something that upset you is bound to happen at some point... However, if we have not negotiated the rules of our engagement... How fair is it for you to hold it against me? However, if you let me know exactly how you feel about something, and THEN I violate that.... THAT is the point at which you have every right to hold me accountable for my actions and place judgement on the value that I have or have not placed on you. However, prior to your explicit explanations of your thoughts, desires, and/or feelings... Holding a grudge toward me for something that i may not have known is incredibly unfair. 

While we are on this topic... it is also important to understand HOW your partner communicates. If text does not seem to work well for the two of you, move to verbal and/or face to face communication. If one of you communicates better via one than the other, search for a fair compromise that you can both benefit from. All relationships are give and take and will also require work from both parties in order to maintain healthy progression. But it seems more and more that the things that should be the most simple are often poorly executed or overcomplicated. 

Anyway, I just have thoughts sometimes... Until next time loves... =) 

On... Me

I always read the blogs of others and feel like the blogger seems to absolve him or herself from all blame. However everyone isn't the victim in every situation and at some point...we have to accept that as fact. Granted there are some horrible men and women out here, but I'm sure we have all done things or played a role in the outcomes of most of the situations we have found ourselves in. We just don't broadcast it... Somehow it makes us to feel better about ourselves? Makes us feel less human and more morally sound? Not sure. But to make mistakes, to acknowledge out faults, to grow through pain... In my opinion makes us more human. Makes us more relatable. Connects us to others...

Anyway, in exploring myself... I've been learning tons lately. I'm often the type of person who absolves others of fault. Even when it hurts me. And that's almost as detrimental as blaming the world and everyone in it for your circumstances.

Overall though, I realize that my views on relationships and my role in them comes from a very interesting place. I am very particular about my relationships these days. The more I learn, the more sacred and intimate I find them to be. They mean more when I gain glimpses of their true purpose and what they should really look like and be comprised of. As a result, my adopted motto has become I'd rather not have it at all than to have it be wrong.

In this way, I almost compare my relational résumé to my sexual résumé. It's so important to me these days, that I'd prefer the two to be almost equal or as close to it as possible. Considering that I started one far earlier than the other ( relationships), I feel purposed to be far more meticulous about the process. Just as meticulous as I am about deciding on an intimate partner (especially because the two may be one in the same in that my preference is to be intimate with the person I am in a committed relationship with).

A quick aside there... You will almost never hear or see me publicly discussing my personal sex life. I'm all for female sexual identity, exploration of desire, likes and dislikes. I'm a huge proponent of the female orgasm and a woman taking her sexuality into her own hands and not having it dictated to her or for her. I am also huge on sexual safety,honesty about one's sexually relational status (monogamous or not), and knowing one's own sexual health status. Those things, I will always speak freely about as well as advocate for the discussion thereof. They are important. However my own ins and outs... Not generally up for discussion. And probably won't ever be except for with the person I happen to be intimately involved with.My personal views on relationships, however, I am a little more liberal about...

Anyway, back to being a choosy lover. The older I get, the more meaning I assign to the people I allow in my life. I keep my circle small. I'm private. And I like to have a tight lid on those who influence my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (which happens when your circle is as small as mine is). I'm selective about my friends, and I'm at the point now where I'm hopefully getting closer to settling down overall. I tend to think most people rush into relationships which makes rushing out a much easier option in the end. However when you take the time to get to know a person, you are not only making an investment (making walking away over trivial matters more difficult) but you are also learning the person and examining the strength of your feelings.

Some say that it takes a couple of years (2) before two people truly know one another, which is about how long you need to know if you can truly  be with a person (or not). One of my friends lives by this concept totally. I'm not sure I think it takes that long... But I do feel like if you give a person enough time, the truth about them will have no choice other than to reveal itself. And if the person is who they say they are, you only gain from waiting. Nothing is really lost. Where is the harm in learning a person? How do you know you only want them when you aren't even sure how they behave under pressure?Or know that you don't mind the way he chews or her snoring? I'm not saying wait two years before getting serious. But I'm saying at least figure out if you even like the person as a person. Ultimately, I wound rather have something real that can stand the test of time than something that seems right for a few months only to dissolve as soon as difficulty sets in.

I'm also picky and meticulous because I love hard. I give a ton for just a little. All I really ever ask of anyone is honesty and appreciation. And in return... I do whatever it takes to make the other person happy.However, because so many people operate in the mindset of getting what they can from you and giving nothing in return, one has to be more careful with their heart... And by one I clearly mean me. The way I see it, if someone is worthy of all the things that I have to offer, waiting... Taking time to learn me, and for me to learn them.... Gaining deeper understanding... All of these things are reasonable prices for the gifts they will receive in return... But in this fast-paced world of time equaling money and money equaling the ultimate currency... Finding someone who is willing to slow down with you in order to appreciate the process can prove to be quite the feat.

Perhaps the most interesting phenomenon about me, though, is that I am choosy because I like personalization. I like to be treated differently than everyone else. I like to feel special and separated. Give me that, and I will probably be glued.... But if I get even an inkling that I'm sharing.... That what I receive is just a duplicate of what anyone else is getting... LOL ... Let's just say that things change... And rapidly. So I'm careful. I'm patient. I'm cautious. And in that time I'm noting the way a person interacts with others. Looking for subtle and not so subtle differences between those interactions and the ones that occur with me. And as long as I feel that my relation to the person is independent of any other... we are good to go.

Overall, I believe that given enough time, a person will always show you who they really are and what you need to know. You just have to be patient enough to wait for it. But when they show you, you also have to have the courage to believe them. That may go either way. But paying attention, and taking your time is always in your favor, as well as theirs. I grasp that this concept may be foreign today... But I do not necessarily think that it should be.

Until next time loves =)

The Truth About Power Couples....

"I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together...Baby I'm good all by myself... But Baby you, you make me better... You make me better..... You plus me it equals better math. Your boy's a good look but she's my better half..."


Lyrics from, arguably, THE POWER COUPLE ANTHEM...

This blog has been a long-time coming. But recently... about a month and a half ago... I realized that people CLEARLY have very different views about what it means to be a power couple... Then I thought about this song and realized... Maybe not (lol). People are just stupid maybe... I was approached by an old friend... And essentially questioned about the possibility of us joining forces so to speak... and being on our "Power couple ish" as he so eloquently put it. Now, there was a TON wrong with this proposition. But I'll remove several of the ones that don't really apply to the topic like the fact that we haven't even considered romantic involvement since 2005 as a viable option, or the fact that he has a baby's mom and very real baby's momma drama that will probably never die, or the fact that we don't talk regularly at all and even THIS communicative bit was fluke.... lol those are just some of the reasons my response was an immediate no and my levels of irritation spiked... lol MORE than even these things is the fact that he is NOT one half of a power couple on his own... at all...

But, because I feared that my reaction may have been a bit, harsh and accelerated... I decided to really think about what my views are on what it means to be a member of a power couple and what a power couple in general looks like and consists of.... I think that what everyone views as a power couple really thrives on surface material  when in many of those cases, the two aren't a power couple at all. I also think that usually a couple that actually is a power couple, likely does not see itself as one. The two parties likely see themselves as two hard-working individuals who want their lives and relationship to prosper and therefore do what it takes in order to make that a reality.

So with that said...I think the first step to being a power couple is being an actual couple.  A healthy functioning, mutually supportive, mutually beneficial, honest to God couple. And I really think that even defining that might give some folks a run for their money. But to me... a healthy couple [for me and through my eyes] is one built of two individuals who share similar and complimentary views on friendship, romantic relationship participation, exclusivity, support, appreciation, consideration, and all of the expressions thereof. They support one another. They take pride in one another. They protect one another from themselves as well as the world at large. They take care of and invest in one another. They are openly communicative and hold one another accountable for actions and words. They are honest with one another and honest with themselves. They are appreciative, understanding, and committed to the goal of maintaining these goals and principles and do what it takes to keep things working. This alone is not the basis for two people being a part of a power couple. However these are, or should be the foundational bits of a couple in general. Not saying that this does not require work, checking of egos, and the occasional mistake. But overall, this is a portrait of what a strong, healthy couple looks like.

Now a power couple... Is a culmination of attributes that in many ways surpasses a general couple (if you will) while still paying respect to many of the foundational necessities. For instance, in any couple, each is dependent on the other and should be. However, in a power couple, I feel like each individual really could stand alone... yet chooses (wisely) not to. BUT the things is, usually we think of these as our alpha males and alpha females adjoined in some sort of union which may or may not be the case. I think that in most power couples, there is still the same sense of natural hierarchy that exists and should exist in any other situation. Here, I am clearly speaking about male-female relations butI'm not being exclusive. Not intentionally anyway. But my point is that in a power couple-esque relationship... The rules of engagement should still be the same. The woman should still defer to or submit to her man... The man should still be driven by making her happy and comfortable and the two should still be committed to and faithful to one another... To me regardless of funds and increased marketability (which being powerful, successful, and the like often brings), it is that relentless hold to the basics of a healthy relationship that truly defines a power couple's status in my eyes. I'm good alone, but you make me better. You make me want to be better. I could probably be with tons of other people, but I only have eyes for you. It's that possession of power without the abuse thereof that makes it sexy and alluring. But that, for me, only exists if its real.

Now the logistics of what is required of each to even qualify is on a sliding scale. You could be the Obamas or you could be any other couple in the world. I'm not sure I would classify two people who are barely whole themselves as a power couple. A couple, maybe... But a power couple...? Doubtful.

The moral: Just because two people seem to be young, successful, and progressive in nature... and are romantically involved... They are not automatically a power couple. It takes more than success. It requires commitment to the commitment despite the space and opportunity to do otherwise.

untitled... 2.1.13

I am always appalled by my ability to fool the people around me into thinking that everything is fine...
But I also appreciate the people who regardless of how large my grin, or how funny my jokes (because lets be honest... sometimes I'm a riot)... Recognize me and my bull.

Don't get me wrong, every now and again we can all be completely wrapped up in our own mess and be oblivious to that of others. Alternatively, I sometimes would much rather help someone else out of their mess than to entertain my own... But I'm odd that way...

Regardless, though, there are so many people that I know that are genuinely and legitimately clueless when something is off about me... And it really just makes me appreciate the very few in that other group all the more... I guess it usually just hurts because it is often someone who SHOULD know better... who should know YOU better... and when it becomes clear that they do not... You are forced to place them in a category that is different than the one they were in before... Tough decision usually and one that most [especially me] are never really eager to make...

What is even more interesting... is that of the VERY SMALL circle of 'very important people' that I have... the ones who are in the realm of oblivion could probably read this and not even realize that I mean them... I have two friends that are genuinely just the same across the board in general. LOL They let me be me and are always available, even if I don't say "I am in need". And so they don't really count. I then have another two, maybe three.... ye... Three I guess... lol Who no matter where I am or what I am doing... They are hip and will call me out on it. One will essentially say... or literally say "Listen *expletive that starts with a B*, I know something is up and I know you don't want to discuss it right now, but at some point you're going to get it together and you're going to tell me... And when that time comes I will be waiting. Make it fast" lol! And as annoying as it is... I appreciate her for that. The others will usually be able to tell by very faint changes in energy or who knows what... But they will also essentially call me out on it and give me space to express (inside of or outside of my own timeframe), and that will be that.

It is just the most interesting thing in the world to me... Because I have always felt that when something or someone matters, you make it clear that it matters... You pay attention to it... you invest in it... and you make your intention to do so known... That expression may be blatant or not... But it is always there and it is always clear...

Ultimately I guess I don't think the others don't care about me... But I do think that ultimately they care MORE about themselves... And I can't fault them for that. I can simply reposition them, and adjust my priorities accordingly. I'm sick of driving myself crazy over people and situations that would not and do not do the same for me. [[shrug]]

The Hurt Felt 'Round the World...

This is a lesson, or a group of lessons, that apply to all relationships. I have been toying with this topic for a while, and just didn't have the time to weigh in on it. I think, though, that I will frame this in terms of romantic entanglements, just because... So here goes:

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy back. They like one another immediately, and decide to try their hand at a relationship. They respect one another, and get along well. But ultimately they decide that they do not really fit. As a result, they have a conversation which results in the two agreeing to part ways... Peaceably. Boy moves on, and takes the things he learned from his past relationship with him; learning from it and using it to his advantage. Girl does the same. They both live happily ever.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!

How awesome would it be if this happened all of the time? If people really went through life this way...? Unfortunately, though, this is seldom the case. Instead ... it's usually a bit more like this:

Boy and Girl meet. Boy really likes girl, and decides that he wants to be with her. Girl likes boy, too. However this is the third or fourth "boy" that she has felt this way about. Boy one cheated, boy two was emotionally abusive and controlling, and boy three just lied... a lot. She agrees to date the new guy (Boy), because she believes that everyone deserves a chance. However, she in no way acknowledges that her past relationships are impacting the way she sees this new one. She believes she is over the past, but has a really difficult time trusting this new guy. Meanwhile, the new guy (Boy) was cheated on by his previous girlfriend who also used him for his cashflow. She consistently accused him of cheating and was extremely jealous of other women. As a result, he truly believed she cared and was devastated when he found out that it was she who was cheating on him. He felt like things could be different with this new lady, though. She seemed trustworthy and very sure of herself. After some time, though, Girl starts to suspect Boy is cheating. He is "working" a lot lately, seems to have a host of female friends, and sometimes disappears in the middle of text conversations. She remembers that her exes would all do similar things and wonders what other explanation there could possibly be. Girl then starts to question Boy which makes him feel a bout of deja vu as well. Boy now feels that 1.) Girl can only be acting this way because she is probably doing her own thing 2.) Girl already suspects that he's doing dirt so why not just start since he's being blamed for it anyway. He's already been hurt before and is in no position to feel that way again. Boy cheats, Girl finds out. They break up. Now both are scorned...

This example may seem a little bit extreme. But there are different variations of it floating around daily. The point is this: Hurt people, hurt people. And scarred people act out for a lifetime. In most relationships, we have no choice but to carry the baggage from past ones around with us. Especially if we don't find a way to release previous baggage, i.e.- confront it. And sometimes the hurt is unintentional. So then who is wrong in those situations? Granted, there are definite no-no's in relationships. Or at least there should be. Those are the 'thou shall not cheat' 'thou shall not lie' 'thou shall not engage with others emotionally' 'thou shall confide in thine partner' ... yada yada yada. And granted, there are some people who will break those regardless. I'll get to those folks in a minute. But in situations where you feel like you have to protect yourself... and the other person feels they have to do the same... Who is at fault?

I guess in those cases, everyone is. When you get into a relationship, you should feel protected by your partner and he/she should feel equally protected by you. I have always said that in real relationships, each member is so busy taking care of their partner that they can almost forget to take care of themselves. But that is okay... because their partner feels the same way and therefore both backs are covered. This may seem extreme... But it is true. It just doesn't happen that way very often... Because everyone is busy looking out for themselves. And that type of relationship... The kind that I just spoke about takes a lot of things that people just aren't willing to give anymore... This cycle of expecting all of the bad and being incapable of recognizing any of the good is perpetuating itself through generations and I am not sure it can be stopped. It truly is the hurt felt round the world. Someone hurts you so you in turn shut yourself out or look out for self thus hurting someone else. They either then, turn that back around on you and shut down... OR turn around and hurt someone else in an attempt to keep from being hurt ... and so on and so forth.

I am in awe of those who have been capable of either stopping the cycle dead in its tracks or escaping it altogether. I know a few... And I just don't get it myself. We are a product of our environments... A true mark of our experiences... Tabula rasa... [[LOOK IT UP... I PROMISE IT WILL BLESS YOU]].... But I also feel like it comes from trusting yourself... and trusting God. Because through those, you can also learn to trust others and believe in them. You also adopt the belief that if someone is willing to do you wrong when you are treating them the way that one should... It won't be up to you to teach them a lesson... Life will do that. But that is so difficult to do... It really is.

Now back to THOSE people... The ones that hurt people intentionally... I realize more and more that it takes a special kind of person with a special set of circumstances to be this way. Fundamentally...I believe these people are the most hurt out of everyone. But that may be a different blog for a different day. And you can only hope that you aren't running into them... Unless you possess the necessary patience and skill to combat their arsenal. MOST do not... Because they don't change unless they truly find a reason to... And even then, old habits die hard. But there has to be a revival of faith somewhere. There has to be an end to this phenomenon. One whose power is strong enough to end this hurt felt round the world, and capable of healing the scars that it seems to be leaving in its tracks. Sometimes I think it can happen one situation... one relationship at a time. But I'm still not entirely sure that that's true. What is true, though... is that you can only live for you and your relationship. This concept of hurt people hurting people does not excuse ANYONE'S behavior. But it does provide a lens through which that behavior can be framed. And so, if you happen to meet someone, that you feel is worth the risk... and they seem to feel the same way about you... but they also seem a bit ... nervous or less than overzealous about the idea of re-opening themselves to the possibility of hurt [[which is exactly what they are doing]]... Try not to be so hard on them... It is a process and it does require reframing and restructuring and re-educating. And maybe it isn't worth it to even try... BUT if you find that it is... Keep in mind that it may be a hurt that you can help them out of by being the opposite and being the exception to the rule...

Just a thought...
Toodles until next time =)

One for Good Measure...

So this wasn't one of my planned blogs. In fact, I currently have like three in the making. But I wanted to weigh in on this before I forgot about it altogether.

I was searching for interesting blogs to read and came across one written by "smart black men" ... Or maybe it's just one man. I don't know. But I'm always intrigued by things like this... An educated man's perspective on basic things. Almost as intrigued as I am by the ignorant man's perspective. ALMOST!

Anyway, this guy decided to write on a topic that's really near and dear to me. Premarital Shacking. But I'm not sure he did it any real justice as a topic for discussion. I'm not sure I will either. But... Eh I guess that's the beauty of blogging.

Anyway... His main point for why people shouldn't live together before marrying was that you end up doing the awkward dance... You both want it to be over but you own space together (or are renting it)... You have joint bills, and you still have to deal with one another. This increases uncertainty of whether or not you should really move on, and makes doing so much more difficult in the event that the answer is yes.

This is all true.

But, I think thats so clear and a huge DUH moment for anyone with sense. I do not think it is THE reason to not live with a potential spouse before marriage. I did think that the gentleman's outline of the pro argument was a nice one. It gave him a hint of credibility. But I think that ultimately, living with someone is a completely different step in intimacy. Being together all the time, having sleep overs, having a drawer at his place... These are in no way equivalent to actually living with someone full time. And sometimes (even when you THINK that you are the easiest person in the world to live with)... You can find this process difficult. It takes work, and compromise, and settling, and self-awareness, and consideration, and so many of the things that any good relationship requires to even remain afloat with someone that you live with [in many situations]. We are talking about your haven, your safety zone, the place you should be able to go to escape the perils that life has a tendency to throw at you. And so, you probably take it personally. My point is that many of the disputes and disagreements you may get into with a significant other that are the result of bottled up frustration from him not putting the toilet seat down ever, or her not remembering to turn the lights out when she leaves a room... can result in a break-up. And break ups occur when you're just a couple, not a married couple. Therefore, it is much easier to leave. When you are married to someone, it takes something much bigger than a toilet seat or an extremely high electricity bill to disrupt the bond... or at least it should. So leaving in those situations, ending a marriage there...  would be silly.

Don't get me wrong... a couple worth its salt will most definitely argue over these things... But at the end of that argument... they will find themselves right back together because what they have is stronger than the pebbles thrown during a petty argument... [[shameless plug: MORE ON THIS IN THE UPCOMING "The Truth About Power Couples"]].... But why provoke it...? Why not save something for the sanctity of marriage? A friend of mine made a comment a while ago when referring to two of his friends that were living together and getting married... He basically asked what was going to be new and exciting for them at this point? After the wedding, they'd leave friends and family... go home and go to bed... wake up the next morning and just say hey to one another... And he was right. I just think that ultimately... the risk of normalcy leading to a desire to find something newer or less like the old might creep up if you give cause to it. And this is what happens when two people live together when unmarried. Doing so while engaged may have a bit more clout to it... But even then... I just don't agree with it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free...? Why get real and have a house when you can play it with all the added bonuses and none of the extra work? And then why enter into commitments with someone who you are expecting to be temporary...?

Therefore ... ONE unless you are sure of your relationship with someone, coupled with TWO trusting them and you fully (or as fully as possible)... Don't live with them pre-marriage. Especially since, even these things aren't guaranteed in matrimony... But that is a great place to start.

Things I'd like to do before it's all over...

This is all in addition to the usual: find my soul mate, be a bride, have kids, be happy, own a home, accomplish my goals, blah blah blah...


1. Visit the Eiffel Tower

2. Attend the Opera...

3. Live in a different country for at least a year

4. Take a couples' dance class

5. Adopt a child or a family or an animal

6. Help someone else realize how amazing they are

7. Eat an authentic Italian meal in Italy

8. Teach someone something useful

9. Snorkel

10. Learn to play a musical instrument

11. Learn to speak another language fluently (pref. Spanish)

12. Create something with my hands

13. Give back to those who have given to me in any capacity...

14. Write a book and publish it

15. Stand behind a worthy cause

16. Grow beyond my own expectation

17. Be charitable in my actions and my finances

18. Own a pair of stupidly expensive shoes (provided that I also own a home, vehicle, and have gainful employment first...unless they are a gift... ^_^)

19. Teach

20. Take a road trip or three