By
now, I feel like most of the people who read my blogs kinda know my
life a little bit. Some of you know that various situations in my life
have led me directly to this topic… Whether they involve my own
situations or those of others, these themes of trust, forgiveness,
rebuilding, letting go, making things work, and anything related have
been dancing in and out of my mind for the last several months. I am
continuing to learn that there is no road map that teaches us to deal
with these issues. Some of these queries have led to letting entire
relationships go while others have led to on-going battles with
preserving and understanding deeper... However, because of the way life
goes, the chances of us ALL ending up on one side of the forgiveness
coin or another (the forgiver vs the transgressor) is 100%!
Self-preservation
and protection can lead us to do and say things that may hurt those
that truly care for and want the best for us. And as a result, we will
all find ourselves either apologizing or being apologized to if we
decide to continue to engage one another in relationships. And this
process is true for all relationships regardless of duration or nature. I
have also learned that how deep the wound goes, how much forgiving
becomes necessary, how long the process all relate to how deeply we care
for the person. The lengths to which we are willing to go as well as
the distance we place between ourselves and the person (or at least the
reasoning for said distance) will often have more to do with how deeply
we care than with the act itself.
Please
do not misunderstand, there are certain acts that will always cause us
to stay away or choose to remain closed off. However, those will be
noted completely separately for the purposes of this particular thought
process. In cases where malice is not involved, the true gauge of one’s
feelings is interpreted by how they behave when hurt… or by the lengths
to which they are willing to go when they have hurt someone else.
Ultimately,
though, these types of happenings are completely unavoidable when
dealing with other human beings and when feelings are involved.
Regardless a decision on forgiving, or not, must be made. A decision on
whether or not to rebuild must be made. And these decisions must be
unanimous if there is any possibility of a prosperous relationship past
these points. With this must also come certain negotiations,
compromises, and understandings from both parties involved.
I
blogged almost two years ago on forgiveness itself… But in some ways,
my views have changed. You can definitely read or re-read that blog for
specifics (http://atmsmind.blogspot.com/2011/01/on-forgiveness.html)
… However, I only find it necessary to summarize the three major points
I made about forgiveness there. The first is that forgiveness is never
for the other person; it is always for the individual doing the
forgiving. Oftentimes, it seems that people feel like they are doing
the other person a favor by forgiving, and therefore decide against it.
But TRUST ME… The burden of not forgiving usually weighs heavier on the
person who needs to forgive. Sometimes the other person doesn’t even
realize they have done anything that requires forgiving, while we are
walking around mad at the world thinking we are “punishing” them for
what they have done. That was the second point that I made. In addition
to this, though, we also run the risk of spilling those unresolved
feelings or emotions onto someone else if we do not adequately deal with
them (forgive the other person). The final point was that to forgive
does not automatically mean to forget. The choice to do either, however,
is always ours. ALWAYS.
Now,
on to present-day. There are a couple of reasons I can think of, based
on my experiences and those of others, that a person would choose to
forgive someone: 1.) trying to be the bigger person 2.) wanting to
forgive others as God forgives us 3.) tired of walking around harboring
feelings of mistrust, regret, and pain 4.) The realization that life
without the person who hurt us might be much more painful than the
transgression itself OR the person ultimately means more to us than this
one mistake (or series of mistakes) and therefore we want to get past
this place of pain to the other side where happiness hopefully resides. I
will not go in depth regarding the specifics of these choices as that
could be another blog of an in itself. Your choices are your choices,
and your reasoning requires no justification to anyone. You feel the way
that you feel just as I feel the way that I feel. Additionally, any of
these reasonings are interchangeable and any can contribute to our
reasons for forgiving someone. However the final reason is a major
segway into the ultimate point of this blog.
Some
transgressions are so great, or so blatant, or so intentional (malice
intended), that they will cause us to want to distance ourselves from
the person regardless of any other factors. In these situations, it is
still best to forgive the person... Harbor no ill will toward them, wish
them well. Yet we may choose to no longer deal with them from that
point forward. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. IT IS PERFECTLY FINE TO
FEEL THIS WAY... And these situations hold prime candidacy for
forgiving, but not forgetting. But sometimes, we choose to forgive a
person because we want to get back to the place in our relationship with
them where the transgression never existed. The problem is, sometimes
when we say we are forgiving and BELIEVE that we are forgiving, we have
not truly forgiven. We believe the person when they say they are sorry,
we say that we want to get back to life as usual, we say that it is okay
to hang out again or talk the way that we used to, or whatever normal
looks like. But for the lot of us... Residuals from those feelings
continue to find a way into our thoughts and emotions. We sometimes will
distance ourselves or maintain a certain level of hostility toward the
person because our emotions toward them are still in limbo. We want to
forgive the person, and we truly believe that we can and will.
In
order to get to this point with a person, we have to forgive and try to
forget. As difficult as this is and will always be, it really is the
most important step to truly forgiving a person for the sake of
preserving the relationship. For the sake of rebuilding. Of course, in
reality, truly forgetting an event is almost impossible, especially if
this event held any level of importance to you... But you have to try
and get to the point where that memory is the furthest thing from you
mind in relation to that person. You must try to bury it in a place
where you cannot easily access it, or else it will be your go-to for
every disagreement, every new issue, every instance of discord. In
getting to this point, you should definitely be honest with the other
person about where you are in the process as well as with yourself. But
working toward this place is something that you have to do just as sure
as the person should be working with you to redeem him/herself from what
caused these feelings to begin with.
It
is also important to be as cognizant as possible of the way your
feelings are impacting your behavior and ultimately the other person.
This may seem very stupid to say or even think... I mean afterall, they
were the ones who hurt us... Why should I be considering his/her
feelings at this point? In reality, though, there is likely tons of
blame to go around and if you are really interested in getting past
WHATEVER it is that is holding you back, you have to know that what you
do will influence the way they feel or behave. If your actions are
showing that you are currently not interested in rebuilding, or moving
on, or whatever... Then they may act accordingly or be looking to you
for cues on how to behave. Now you can choose to oblige them, or not...
Totally up to you. However, know that you will never have a clear
picture of what could be without at least being aware of yourself first
and communicating where you are with things. Even if this means that you
need some distance for a while before you can behave like a normal
human being around this person (or at least whatever normal looks like
for the two of you), that is totally fair as long as you are being clear
about where you are. Sometimes though, we expect for a person to do or
say certain things and hold it against them when they do not; not even
realizing that maybe our behavior is what is signaling to them behave
one way or another. Granted this person has hurt you, and their feelings
may be the last thing you want to consider right now... But hopefully
you are rebuilding because you truly believe that they did not intend to
hurt you. If this is the case, you must also know that they likely care
just as much about you as you do about them. And at some point, you are
going to want to let them back in. What you don’t want is for your
behavior during this delicate process to result in a repetition of this
cycle where you are now the transgressor.
This
is becoming longer than I intended for it to be so I feel the need to
wrap it up a little. But I do not want to do that without mentioning a
potential plan of action for both the transgressor and the forgiver. In
most situations, these roles are completely interchangeable. Especially
if as a unit, the two have decided to forgive, forget, and rebuild.
Usually, both parties have done something that they felt they were
reacting to causing each to be the forgiver and the transgressor at the
exact same time. It is important to understand each of these roles in an
attempt to move things along and get past the current state of the
relationship.
As
the transgressor, you must humble yourself in an attempt to receive a
platform on which to express yourself to the forgiver. This is very
important, as without it you may never be granted a chance. You have to
understand that though there is likely blame to go around, you must
practice what you preach by forgiving as well while accepting full
responsibility for your role in the way that things have gone. You have
to make a clear effort to truly understand where things went wrong and
make it abundantly clear that it is your goal to rectify the behaviors
that have led to this point. It is also very important for you to be
honest with yourself about your role in the betrayal, even if you (too)
felt betrayed in the process. We are all human, and therefore none of us
are fault-free. However you have to do your best to put yourself in the
other person’s shoes and really understand where he/she is coming from.
That is the only way this will have a chance at working, and if it is
important to you, then that is the outcome you will desire.
As
the forgiver, you have to PROVIDE a platform (space) for the
transgressor to prove him/herself. You, too, must hold up your end of
the bargain by forgiving and then forgetting fully in hopes of actually
moving past the betrayal you feel/felt. You also have to decide if you
felt like there was malice in the heart of the other person. If the
answer is no, it does not magically become easier to forgive the person
or erase the feelings you have felt thus far. However, it should at
least open your heart and mind to the possibility of truly forgiving and
trying to understand what led you both to your current predicament. It
is also your responsibility to be as honest and upfront with yourself as
well as the other person through this process. There was clearly a
miscommunication of some sort somewhere and it is up to the two of you,
collectively, to figure out what it was in order to prevent it from
happening again. The only way though that is to communicate and increase
the attempts to better understand one another if each of you truly
cares.
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