On Forgiveness...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

-Mahatma Gandhi

I know I had something else in mind for my first blog (returning blog).... But after the morning that I have had... after the week that I've had... after the year that I've had... hmph
I woke up this morning and the quote listed was the quote of the day on my igoogle homepage... And it was right on time for me... So here we are... I still wanna write on Phenomenal Woman.... And I'm sure that I will at some point between finishing my exam tonight and deciding if I'm going out later or not...
Anyway.... forgiveness... Its a very difficult concept to fully master... and if any of you are like me at all [[unlikely lol but still]]... its an uphill battle everytime it begins... By that I mean that I always have to remind myself of the right thing to do, and why I am supposed to be the bigger, more mature person in the situation... And though I always aspire to do well of and unto others, being the mature one gets so old to me... And I'm not at a place yet where that's not true... I'm working to get there... I promise you I am... I would love to be at a place of self-actualization, which most in my profession would argue that the great Gandhi ((I'm a sucker for alliteration lol)) definitely reached... That place is supposed to be the ultimate sign of growth in the human condition where problems and conflict and self no longer matter as much as the greater good... There you not only have it all figured out, but you also are capable of employing this knowledge to real-life situations almost effortlessly...
I sometimes think that my boyfriend has reached that point in life, honestly... He just seems so GOOD at doing whats necessary with no questions asked... he sees things as either black or white, right or wrong, and he executes... I sooooo admire that about him... Because again, I'm not there yet.
Honestly, I find wisdom in that type of extreme distinction... It is almost like those with this heightened ability to 'rise above it' as I see it have gone through enough where they know they don't even want to be bothered with the headache of other options... They've seen these scenarios so many times that the right choice is second nature...
Someone like me, on the otherhand, who always gets around to doing the right thing and rising above it, often fights with herself more than anyone else. And I hate that... Because I definitely think that even in that fight, I am weakened as the quote says.
It is most definitely a mental warfare, all in my mind, and completely with myself. The other person, unless they know me well enough or care to investigate, wouldn't even know this inner war was going on...
The basics of forgiveness are clear but I will list them anyway and will not take for granted that everyone feels the same way on the topic that I do...
1.) Forgiveness is not for the other person...In fact it has nothing to do with them at all... It is completely and totally for and about you... The process does not even involve the other person in that they don't have to DO or SAY anything in order for you to begin forgiving
2.)A continuation of the previous point, the load carried by those who don't forgive only causes baggage and stress to you because you refuse to let it go... Forgiveness is a very selfish act in that it only relieves you of what you are carrying around... and that is why you do it for yourself and not for others... there is NOTHING worse than to be walking around mad at someone who isn't mad at all, or worse yet doesn't know that you are even upset at all... And it is especially beneficial [[in an extremely maniacal way]] when anger was the result the person wanted, and you give them just the opposite... you forgive...
3.)AND FINALLY ...Once you forgive, no one has asked you to forget... and in fact you'd be a fool to do so... However when you forgive you must truly let go... you do not continue to hold it against the person [[it being whatever the transgression was]] because in doing so you are continuing to harbor that unwanted baggage which only hurts you...Now that doesn't meant that you then have to be back in the same place with the person that you were in originally... That choice is totally yours and should not be based on anything other than your level of comfort... However if you decide to re-enter the situation with the understanding that things will go back to normal [[often the case for small fouls like a misunderstanding, a bruised ego, a stumped toe.... BUT NO JUDGEMENT if this is your choice following something much larger... just saying that there's nothing wrong with it... if it is your choice OWN IT... MAN UP ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON]]...if you decide to re-enter the situation know that by-gones must be by-gones and there is no room for old baggage in any relationship... so a large part of forgiving there is truly letting go...
This is also true of the inverse of that however... because even if you decide that things will not go back to normal or that you no longer want to deal with the situation or the person... you must still let it go to the point that it no longer receives entertainment amongst your thoughts and feelings and emotions... and that is what most people have an issue with... because if the wound cut deep enough to cause scarring... usually emotional scarring... the kind that only comes from people that we care about and are truly vested in... that pain resurfaces with every glimpse, every memory, every reminder of that person or situation... And though it is difficult, especially for those of us who are UN-self-actualized... it is the true nature of forgiveness....
Now my biggest issue that makes this all so difficult, is the other person... and that is what I think Gandhi meant by weakness... strength comes from rising... literally... it takes great strength to press past something... especially something so large and impacting.... But I cannot seem to get past other people... if I could I probably wouldnt be offended enough to need to forgive in the first place... But also if I could I most certainly would not be me... People are my THING... I don't like them too much... but i love them and care about them in ways that I should not... I extend myself even if it means bringing stress or strain upon myself in order to help them... and I both love and hate that about myself...because when I find myself burned, I really have no one to blame but myself...
But more than anything else, I just don't ever seem to understand how people don't consider others before they do things... Thats what so many of my issues with other people come down to... So much so that you would think that statement alone would be enough to teach me to stop getting so bent out of shape when I am wronged... or when someone does something that has the potential to piss me off... But it doesn't ... and I never see that... I just go straight for the anger and then the war on forgiveness begins... I think I have too much faith in these creatures... in YOU creatures.... in US creatures... because I always arrive bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to be proven wrong... its my stance even when I wanna be cynical and believe otherwise because I know better...
Anyway... I need to cut this vent session short because its almost time to get ready for work... but... Be ye not discouraged because weakness does not make you WEAK overall... it just means it is an area that needs work... we all have those...
I wonder what Gandhi's was... or if he even had them... But Lord knows that I do and this is clearly one of mine... Without weakness though, we would never know where or how to build our strengths... So I'll keep working on it.. and maybe one day I'll be there... I hope...
Thank you for letting me vent and be transparent... And even if you're judging me based on this... though I would hope that you're not... Know that I probably don't care what you think [[lol likely a lie... tell me what you think pls lol]]... but also that I 'm a work in progress and he's not finished with me yet... Gotta stop letting others get the best of me... Its not worthit ... and neither is anyone who would do so intentionally....
Nesh...OUT! :)

Welcome Back...

Wow... It has been a while...
I just took the liberty of re-reading some of the things that I have previously posted... and I must say that though I would never like to be known as a horn tooter... lol I am rather proud of my work thus far... And rather disappointed in myself for stopping at all...
I love writing... It is my etermal release and always has beem... But I also fear in reading what I've produced thus far that I may not be able to keep up with such ...perfection... Everything that I have written so far has been so true to me... To my style of thinking... though I somehow found a way to focus it all because my mind is a bit random at times [[admittedly]]... So I will do my best not to disappoint myself but also not to disappoint anyone else choosing to read these...


Anyway.. I have a couple of ideas for my returning blog...
I think I'll lay them out here and then pick up with whichever of these options speaks most closely to my state of mind at the moment...

1.) I heard a Dr. King quote the other day on 106th and Park [[OF ALL SHOWS lol]] that really inspired me... I already can tell that this will be one of the concepts I am forced to revisit as I am gonna search high and low for this quote before expounding upon it forreal... [[sn:please excuse me as I bounce back and forth between appropriate use and inappropriate use of the English language with my verbage and other word choices... but then again this is my random mind so excuse YOU! lol should you so happen to be that offended lol]]
Anyway... the quote spoke something along the lines of not saying that he spoke well or that he something else [[my lack of perfect recollection is embarrassing]]... but let it be known instead that he fed the hungry and helped those incapable of helping themselves... I am almost positive that I butchered that... But you get the gist of it I hope... Anyway I LOVED THAT! lol We'll come back to that one...

2.)Another thing currently on my mind is a huge problem affecting so many young women today... and it transcends race, and age really, and all other things that women don't have in common... its something that unfortunately binds us together as women... and i HATE it! Lack of self worth... or at least lack of understanding of what we are worth... [[i think this may be a winner, but also may be something that I have to start a fresh blog for.... stay TUNED!]] :)

3.)Relationships... plutonic and otherwise... So many of mine have changed over the past year and I'm still working through how I feel about it... Interesting #neshfact: There are some things that i care somuch about [[most of them that I should not]]and then there are some things that just dont matter to me at all... and which side of the line a person, or situation, or item falls upon generally depends on so much that it becomes difficult to guess.. lol [[meh *shrug*]]

4.)This economy... I could go on for days and days and some more days about this mess... smh

5.)Romantic relationships: smh lol If you know me... it has been forever since I have been in one... almost 3 years to be exact... so the fact that I have recently awakened to one [[lol no seriously where did this come from]]... in addition to the fact that I feel like I need to have my own column or something with all the advice I give on a daily basis... I know this topic will come up more often than not... Let me put a pin here first and say that I honestly don't know whyit is so hard for people to get over themselves and care about someone else every once in a while ... Too many people are too darn selfish but still want all of the benefits a relationship offers.... It will NEVER work this way... I don't care who you are... and chances are that if you are operating and THINKING it is working, you're WRONG! ... Most relationship values come down to respect on a mutual plain... and most people skipped that lesson in kidnergarten... smh poor souls... lol I tweeted yesterday [[@MyGirlNesh lol #shamelessplug.com]] that teaching an adult the fundamentals of a relationship is far more difficult than teaching a baby how to walk.. and I stand by this... The main reason being that the baby may have fears and may fall.. but the baby is still learning and doesn't quite recognize fear the way that adults do... The adult on the other hand has already experienced and inherited so much from these experiences and will hold these against every new situation they encounter... either until the aforementioned is disproved...or until it is proven true and they choose to walk away adding this to the ever-building list... and even in the first case, often times that drives the other person away anyway... Seems like a lost cause... And though I do not believe in lost causes... smh I can understand this from both perspectives... We have to start treating one another better.. But we have to start treating ourselves better FIRST...

lol Okay I think I've done enough rambling for one sitting... This is just a little announcement, if you will, that I'm back... It will be shaky at first because even though once I start I get on a roll... allowing myself to be so transparent is always a task for me so we shall see how this goes... Stick with me :)

First official blog of 2011 coming later on today...
Think I'll title it after my FAVORITE poem... "Pheonomenal Woman" or maybe it will be called "A Woman, PHEONOMENALLY!" lol we'll see... lol tune in ...
I'll holla :)