Learning so much on the road to becoming me... Enjoying the journey

This is a brief invitation into the innerworkings of my brain... Some words are insights into my private thoughts and emotions while others are humorous and carefree... Everything here is my opinion and from my perspective and is in no way meant to offend, harm, or persecute. I merely needed an outlet for the tons of concepts flowing through my head daily. Feel free to comment, but please do so with respect for others as well as yourself.







Other than that... Happy reading :) -A.T.M.







Friday, March 8, 2013

On... Me

I always read the blogs of others and feel like the blogger seems to absolve him or herself from all blame. However everyone isn't the victim in every situation and at some point...we have to accept that as fact. Granted there are some horrible men and women out here, but I'm sure we have all done things or played a role in the outcomes of most of the situations we have found ourselves in. We just don't broadcast it... Somehow it makes us to feel better about ourselves? Makes us feel less human and more morally sound? Not sure. But to make mistakes, to acknowledge out faults, to grow through pain... In my opinion makes us more human. Makes us more relatable. Connects us to others...

Anyway, in exploring myself... I've been learning tons lately. I'm often the type of person who absolves others of fault. Even when it hurts me. And that's almost as detrimental as blaming the world and everyone in it for your circumstances.

Overall though, I realize that my views on relationships and my role in them comes from a very interesting place. I am very particular about my relationships these days. The more I learn, the more sacred and intimate I find them to be. They mean more when I gain glimpses of their true purpose and what they should really look like and be comprised of. As a result, my adopted motto has become I'd rather not have it at all than to have it be wrong.

In this way, I almost compare my relational résumé to my sexual résumé. It's so important to me these days, that I'd prefer the two to be almost equal or as close to it as possible. Considering that I started one far earlier than the other ( relationships), I feel purposed to be far more meticulous about the process. Just as meticulous as I am about deciding on an intimate partner (especially because the two may be one in the same in that my preference is to be intimate with the person I am in a committed relationship with).

A quick aside there... You will almost never hear or see me publicly discussing my personal sex life. I'm all for female sexual identity, exploration of desire, likes and dislikes. I'm a huge proponent of the female orgasm and a woman taking her sexuality into her own hands and not having it dictated to her or for her. I am also huge on sexual safety,honesty about one's sexually relational status (monogamous or not), and knowing one's own sexual health status. Those things, I will always speak freely about as well as advocate for the discussion thereof. They are important. However my own ins and outs... Not generally up for discussion. And probably won't ever be except for with the person I happen to be intimately involved with.My personal views on relationships, however, I am a little more liberal about...

Anyway, back to being a choosy lover. The older I get, the more meaning I assign to the people I allow in my life. I keep my circle small. I'm private. And I like to have a tight lid on those who influence my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors (which happens when your circle is as small as mine is). I'm selective about my friends, and I'm at the point now where I'm hopefully getting closer to settling down overall. I tend to think most people rush into relationships which makes rushing out a much easier option in the end. However when you take the time to get to know a person, you are not only making an investment (making walking away over trivial matters more difficult) but you are also learning the person and examining the strength of your feelings.

Some say that it takes a couple of years (2) before two people truly know one another, which is about how long you need to know if you can truly  be with a person (or not). One of my friends lives by this concept totally. I'm not sure I think it takes that long... But I do feel like if you give a person enough time, the truth about them will have no choice other than to reveal itself. And if the person is who they say they are, you only gain from waiting. Nothing is really lost. Where is the harm in learning a person? How do you know you only want them when you aren't even sure how they behave under pressure?Or know that you don't mind the way he chews or her snoring? I'm not saying wait two years before getting serious. But I'm saying at least figure out if you even like the person as a person. Ultimately, I wound rather have something real that can stand the test of time than something that seems right for a few months only to dissolve as soon as difficulty sets in.

I'm also picky and meticulous because I love hard. I give a ton for just a little. All I really ever ask of anyone is honesty and appreciation. And in return... I do whatever it takes to make the other person happy.However, because so many people operate in the mindset of getting what they can from you and giving nothing in return, one has to be more careful with their heart... And by one I clearly mean me. The way I see it, if someone is worthy of all the things that I have to offer, waiting... Taking time to learn me, and for me to learn them.... Gaining deeper understanding... All of these things are reasonable prices for the gifts they will receive in return... But in this fast-paced world of time equaling money and money equaling the ultimate currency... Finding someone who is willing to slow down with you in order to appreciate the process can prove to be quite the feat.

Perhaps the most interesting phenomenon about me, though, is that I am choosy because I like personalization. I like to be treated differently than everyone else. I like to feel special and separated. Give me that, and I will probably be glued.... But if I get even an inkling that I'm sharing.... That what I receive is just a duplicate of what anyone else is getting... LOL ... Let's just say that things change... And rapidly. So I'm careful. I'm patient. I'm cautious. And in that time I'm noting the way a person interacts with others. Looking for subtle and not so subtle differences between those interactions and the ones that occur with me. And as long as I feel that my relation to the person is independent of any other... we are good to go.

Overall, I believe that given enough time, a person will always show you who they really are and what you need to know. You just have to be patient enough to wait for it. But when they show you, you also have to have the courage to believe them. That may go either way. But paying attention, and taking your time is always in your favor, as well as theirs. I grasp that this concept may be foreign today... But I do not necessarily think that it should be.

Until next time loves =)

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