Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Irrationality
I tend to think that most of my blogs are pretty self reflective. I do my best to make it clear that these are my thoughts and my views on a specific topic. I don't expect for others to agree, and often like it when my thoughts are challenged because I am always up for a sound logical debate. However, I think this one will be a bit more introspective than most.
I have always considered myself to be a somewhat rational person, almost to fault. And I see that in myself more now than ever because I am really taking the time to get to know myself and fall in and out of love with myself lately. It's the main reason I refuse to be in a relationship at present, and it is the main reason that I don't ever mind spending time alone or declining offers to go out and do things. I like finding new things that I love about myself. I also like recognizing things that I am not too keen on and finding ways to improve upon those things. And mostly I enjoy stumbling upon constants that don't seem to be going anywhere. I think I am finally at a place where I can appreciate them and use them for my advancement.
Anyway... I have never been a fan of irrationality. I don't like it when people behave in an uncontrollable manner and have no real sound reasoning for why they have done what they have done. It isn't that I don't think that everyone has irrational thoughts or behaviors, because they do... we do... all of us. But I don't like it when people let irrationality win. And I also think that my definition for psychosis is when this happens perpetually. With this too, though, comes the need to acknowledge that what is irrational to one person may not be irrational to the next. And therefore, societal norms regulate what is and isn't rational.
When it comes to me, though, I do not hold myself to the same standard that I hold others to. My standard is a bit higher and somewhat more intense. So when I have thoughts and feelings that are not rational to me... it usually causes me to behave in a different way.This is especially true when someone else is involved. Because I feel like my thoughts are irrational, I won't want to discuss them. I will just try to bury them or come up with some rational resolve to replace them with. But when that doesn't work, I will usually be somewhat passive aggressive toward the person because I'm not good when I can't vent my feelings on a certain topic....
So then the irrationality that I was trying to defeat in the first place wins because now it is influencing my behavior and I am blaming the person for something that I have not brought to their attention (which I also hate... btw)...
So... lol This blog is pointless in a way because I have found no resolve here. I refuse to bring up thoughts that I find to be irrational because that isn't fair... But if I don't talk about it... then I will behave a bit irrationally too... which also isn't fair.
I hate this about myself... smh.
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